When she woke, she felt odd and completely shattered, pain radiating out between her legs that was draining her, and leaving her feeling exhausted, or perhaps that was simply normal for her situation, she didn't know, but it was strange that her magic hadn't already healed her.
She had been dressed in a black sleeping dress and she pressed down on the front of the fabric, humiliated and ashamed of herself.
The bruises had healed fine, the bite on her neck washed and sealed, but still red and painful as she looked at herself in the mirror and she saw the broken woman, her eyes shadowed and skin pale.
Turning away from the woman in the mirror, she gritted her teeth and refused to show any hint of something being wrong as she passed out of her room and into the bathroom to bathe, scrubbing herself clean until her skin was pink and raw.
She tried and failed twice to clean herself, but her body trembled as she tried to force her hands between her legs and then gave up, simply sitting in the water and staring down at the milky substance that was the perfumed oils.
She didn't know who had put her in the bed, nor how long she had been out, but she still felt exhausted and in pain, so it was safe to assume it had only been a few hours or a day at most.
What were they going to say to her? What was she going to say to them? She didn't know, and the thought of having to face Daemon was terrifying, both because she didn't want to think about it, and because he would fly into a rage.
All that was left was lying about it, but she didn't have a story to tell yet. She would have to find out what it was Kai had said.
The thought of having to speak to Kai again had her breath catching in a sudden fear, knowing he had seen and had begged her not to leave, had begged her not to tell anyone.
What was she to make of that? Was she really going to lie to protect Jaia after what he had done?
The answer was obvious to her, and she hated herself for it, knowing she would lie because she loved Kai, even if she wouldn't be able to look him in the eye knowing what he had seen.
When she drained the bath and left the room, she found the man in question standing in the doorway as though he had been waiting for her the whole time she had been bathing. She couldn't look him in the eye, instead she stared at the third button down on his shirt.
His hand reached for her face, and she took a step back from him. She didn't want him or anyone to touch her, not yet.
She didn't know what his expression was, but she saw his tension, saw him swallowing down the pain, and he stepped back when she startled to sidle away from him, following after her when she fled for her room.
"Etani…" he pleaded, but she kept her head down, his hand on the door, stopping her from closing it on him.
He pushed it open and stepped inside, closing it behind him, and she suddenly felt trapped, the scent of him sending trickles of fear through her. She backed away from him, her arms tight around her middle as she tried to think of a way out, anything to get away from him.
"I'm not going to hurt you," he said gently, moving his hand out for her in a way that made sure she could see it. She watched his hand as warily as if it were a snake and when he took hers, she tensed, but didn't pull away.
It was Kai, she knew it was Kai, and yet she wanted to run, to escape him.
Once he had contact with her, he moved forward and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, hugging her to him. She was again frozen, panic and pain going through her.
It had never been like that before. She had handled Epharis and Drizdan, but this was a million times worse. She had loved him for so long and then hated him, her emotions broiling and then he had done that. It had been too much for her and she felt broken, tarnished, and never again would she be whole or clean.
He let out a slow sigh as he held her to him, his fingers stroking over her hair and still she couldn't move, still she was locked in place while her mind reeled on what to do, snapping from idea to idea but they were all violent, they were all going to result in Kai being injured or even killed.
She couldn't do that to Kai. She loved him, even if he wanted her to remain silent on what had happened.
Cupping her face, he lifted her chin and ducked his head to try to see her, but she dropped her eyes to his stomach. His touch left her trembling and as the thought came into her mind, it was torture. She was letting him touch her like she had let Jaia. She had let him abuse her because she was too scared to hurt him, and there she was again, letting another man move her around like a doll while she stood frozen. This was a different man, a very different man, but he was still a man, and he was still trying to get her to do things she didn't want to do.
The thought stung her, and she pulled back from him, his hands empty and she caught a glimpse of his face, pale and haunted.
The sight ripped at her heart, and she backed away from him, wrestling with herself. She was hurting Kai, but what was she supposed to do? Pretend nothing had happened?
That's exactly what he would have her do, and she closed her eyes, feeling the traitor tear escaping her eye to stain her cheek. There was no hiding them when they were black, not like the humans could pretend they had never fallen. Hers stained her and marked her as the weak creature she was.
His thumb brushed her cheek, and she clenched her jaw to keep from making a sound at the warm gentleness of him.
"Look at me, please…" he whispered, and she finally looked up at him, a twist of pain going through her at how similar he was to Jaia, almost a mirror image of the man.
His eyes searched her face, and she struggled to hold his gaze, her throat feeling tight.
She wanted to scream, but she remained still, dying a little inside as she did so.
"It's going to be okay," he said, brushing her hair back from her face.
"It hurts, Kai…" she whispered, her voice tiny and sounding weak.
His eyes snapped down to her hips and then back up, his jaw clenching so hard she heard a tooth crunch, but he ignored it, and she saw his attention on her throat, the unhealed bite that would scar.
"You need to eat," he said finally, anguished and trying to decide what she needed and what he could give her. But she didn't even know what she needed, so how was she going to ask for it?
Taking her hand, he tried to draw her from her room, but she shook her head, trying to tug her hand free, but he refused to let her go.
"I just want to rest," she lied. What she wanted was to be away from him, but he only looked at her, torn with what he should do. "I'm going to go back to sleep."
Turning to face her, she realised with a spark of fear that he was planning to stay with her, and she recoiled at the idea of him being pressed against her.
"Alone," she added, a little harsher than she intended, but she knew he would see the panic in her eyes, the fear that he would insist on staying.
"Okay," he said finally, forcing himself to accept her choice for then. "But I'll be just outside, alright?"
She nodded and watched as he left and closed the door, shoulders slumped and suffering along with her.
The idea of going back to bed to be alone with her thoughts was intolerable, and she found that what she really wanted was to go talk to Hunter.
She didn't want to go down into the basement again, and yet she wanted to find him. She felt like she needed to talk to him again, though she couldn't say why, really. It was the fact that he had tried to help her, he knew what had happened to her, that he was like her, and she understood him and his simple needs.
She doubted they would have put him back in the basement anyway, so she bit her finger and thought of the dungeons instead.
As she stepped out, she tried to decide where he would be. She didn't know, and so she started pacing the halls slowly, her mind blank and yet full of a million thoughts all at once.
A soft hissing sound had her turning as she started down the seemingly hundredth hallway, having no idea how many she had walked down. It had gotten to the point that she was simply walking as not to be standing still.
Looking at the doors around her, she found his golden eyes through a thin slit in the door that was used for conversations.
"Hello again, beautiful," he growled as she approached, his eyes raking over her face like a physical touch as he tried to take her in through the dimness.
"Hello Hunter," she said gently, reaching up through the small gap.
He studied her fingers for a second before he leant into her, and his skin was wonderfully warm against her coolness.
"I didn't expect you to be awake already," he growled as he pressed his face into her fingers.
"Should it have lasted longer?" she asked, a wash of immense relief going through her at the contact with his skin.
"Yes, I did not take your metabolism into account. I am sorry," he said.
She shook her head, resting her forehead against the wood where his chest would have been. "Some rest is better than none," she replied, and withdrew her hand. It may only have been a day but still, it was rest.
She still hurt, and though her body had started to heal from the physical damage, the whole experience had left a mental scar on her that she thought she might never heal from.
"You need to kill him," Hunter said, but she could only shake her head.
"I can't kill him. He's important to Kai."
"Kai, is the one who came looking for you? The softer one?"
"Yes, that's him," she said gently, turning her back to the door and sliding down it slowly until she was sitting on the floor.
The food slot was open, and he sat down on the other side of the door with his back to it.
Looking down at his bound hands, she linked her fingers with his and rested her head against the wood.
"He deserves to die," he said.
"If I killed every man who tried to hurt me, there'd be no one left," she said darkly.
"The difference is he succeeded in hurting you."
"Let's not talk about that," she breathed, and his fingers squeezed hers.
"Tell me what you are," he said finally, and she smiled, just slightly.
"I am a lot of things. Assassin, Queen, Goddess, Death, the only female Creator, a Fae..." she didn't know why she was telling him, but it was someone to talk to, and she needed the quiet conversation that wasn't demanding answers she didn't want to give.
"Is that why so many flock to you?"
"Yes and no. I have siren blood in me as well." Her thumb traced his nail, and he laughed.
"I'll not be seduced by you, temptress," he teased.
"I do believe you already are, good sir," she replied.
"What makes you say that?"
She tapped the back of his hand gently, and he snorted.
"Please, I hold hands with all the pretty girls. You're not special."
"Is that right? You're a serial hand holder?" she asked, unable to help the hint of a smile at the banter.
"Serial kisser too," he said.
"Ah, well, you should be careful with that. You might kiss the wrong woman, and she might steal your soul."
"You assume much if you think I have a soul."
"Do you not?"
"Want to find out?"
She laughed faintly, and he exhaled in relief, squeezing her fingers.
"Are you one who can do that?"
"Steal a soul with a kiss? Are you sure you don't want to learn firsthand?" she asked, and he made a thoughtful sound.
"I think I would rather keep what's left of my soul inside my body," he reasoned.
"You're no fun. I'm curious to know what a hybrid soul would taste like."
"Keep your mouth to yourself," he warned, his thumb tracing over the back of her fingers.
"I'm disappointed. Here I thought you wanted to kiss me."
A scuff had her turning and for one terrible, breath stealing second, she thought he had found her, but then he moved forward, and she realised it was not Jaia.