Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum
My heartbeat was steady.
That was, until I remembered what's happening today.
A pang of anxiety struck my core, I could feel the nerves in my palms jolt. The ba-dum in my chest got a little faster. This always happens when I think of it. Fear always creeps its way into my head, stopping me from the doing things I want to do.
"No, today's the day", I thought to myself. "No pussying out."
Sitting on my stiff, board-like couch, I looked down at the little wooden coffee table sitting in front of me. There was one thing I was focused on, a little zip lock bag that contained a few yellow pills. Each was 40mg of OxyContin.
I let out an exasperated sigh and slowly stood up from the couch. I walked over to my fridge and opened its door. Awaiting me was… nothing but a large bottle of gin. As I already knew—since I had cleaned it out yesterday. I stared at it longingly. Pursing my lips, I hesitantly reached for the cold bottle. My fingers wrapped around the neck and I pulled it out of the fridge. I slowly walked back to the couch, making each step much more prolonged than it should be.
Finally reaching the couch, I sat down once again. Again looking at the small bag of pills, I took it up and broke the seal; then I opened the gin. I grabbed 5 of the pills, each of them resting in my palm dauntingly. I could feel a little bit of sweat emerging from the palm, and tried to push the nervousness out of my mind.
I closed my eyes for a moment. Taking the fistful of pills, I put them all in my mouth at once. I opened my eyes and hastily grabbed the bottle of gin to wash it down. My face contorted as I felt the pills and alcohol rushing down my throat, burning as it went down.
"Did I really just do it? Four years, I've been thinking about this moment. I can't believe it. Am I gonna regret this? I'm gonna re…"
I shook my head. "No, don't think about it."
I pushed all thoughts out of my mind.
Quickly grabbing the gin once again, I began to chug it. I grimaced and stopped when I felt like I was going to gag.
Taking a few moments to recover, I did the same thing again.
It took no time for me to start to feel its effects. Rising from the couch, I woozily walked to the door. I slipped on some shoes and grabbed a jacket from my coat hanger imbedded in the wall.
"Time for a little fresh air." I thought dazedly.
Looking back, I gazed at the state my dusty little apartment.
The faded wood floors were chipped in several places, and I had to hammer in the random nails that poked out of them at least once a week. The splotchy spackle on the wall was covered by a thin layer of cheap paint, and even that didn't mask all of the numerous holes permeated throughout it. There was a constantly a faint smell of mildew everywhere, no matter how deep I cleaned the place or how many air fresheners I use. I'm not sure it'll ever go away.
"What a shithole," I smiled, "Well, at least it's given me a place to stay. It's weird to see it so empty."
I had done a good job getting rid of most of my stuff, the majority of it had no sentimental value. I also got a bit of money out of it, not that it really matters anymore. Some buyers are coming to get the furniture I sold them earlier this week. I told them they could just come pick it up since I wouldn't be there.
"Am I missing anything? I don't have anything here, I've transferred my money to an account set apart for my mom, and I've ended the rental agreement with my landlord. Yeah, I think that's all."
I sighed in satisfaction. Taking a step out of my apartment, I closed the door behind me without a second look.