INT. PADDY'S PUB — EVEN LATER
(The Lawyer is now doing what he does best: making the room worse, louder, and legally heavier. He's pointing at everything like it personally owes him money.)
LAWYER
This is fraud. This is negligent endangerment.
This is— (points at the salt) —seasoning.
DENNIS
It's not seasoning. It's a barrier.
A spiritual barrier.
In my Legal Zone.
LAWYER
That's not how the law works.
DENNIS
It is in my establishment.
(Reigen keeps "consulting" because motion prevents questions.)
REIGEN
Deep breath. Shoulders down.
Name five things you can feel.
BEN
I feel… judged.
REIGEN
Good. That's Philadelphia.
(The McPoyles start chanting quietly to their milk jug.)
LIAM McPOYLE
Purify.
RYAN McPOYLE
Curdle not.
(Charlie whispers to Frank.)
CHARLIE
They're gonna do milk magic.
FRANK
If they do milk magic, that's premium.
(Mac, desperate to "help," grabs Reigen's bleach bottle labeled "SPIRIT NEUTRALIZER.")
MAC
I will cleanse the room with holy mist.
REIGEN
Mac—no—
(Mac sprays bleach into the air like a fog machine.)
MAC
BEGONE MIASMA!
(Everyone coughs. The McPoyles hiss like vampires.)
LIAM McPOYLE
It burns our purity!
(Dee, still filming, cough-laughs.)
DEE
This is amazing. Everyone's dying. It's cinematic.
LAWYER
Stop filming deaths!
DEE
They're not deaths. They're transformations.
(Artemis raises her candle like she's at a concert.)
ARTEMIS
Breathe into the hips—
DENNIS
NO HIPS! NO FLAMES!
(Frank grabs the box fan.)
FRANK
We need airflow. Airflow is money.
REIGEN
Frank, do not—
(Frank blasts the fan. The bleach mist whips through the candle flame.)
WHOOMF.
(A small flash of fire licks up a dangling strip of toilet paper Artemis somehow brought out like a haunted receipt.)
WAITRESS (O.S.)
What the hell—
(The WAITRESS is suddenly at the doorway, holding her coffee, immediately regretting existing. She sees the flame.)
WAITRESS
—IS THAT ON FIRE?!
CHARLIE(delighted)
THE WAITRESS IS BACK! THIS IS A SIGN!
WAITRESS
No! It's a mistake!
(The flame grows from "tiny" to "oh no." Customers panic. The Lawyer goes pale.)
LAWYER
This is arson by incompetence!
DENNIS
No one is arsoning! We are managing an incident!
(Charlie grabs beer rags like he's about to perform a holy ritual.)
CHARLIE
I'll smother it with holy beer cloths!
WAITRESS
Do not make it holy! Just put it out!
(Reigen stares at the fire, then at the Gang, then at the door, like he's willing reality to bring him an adult.)
REIGEN(under his breath)
Mob, please hurry.
SMASH TO BLACK.