The golden grid of the Paywall hummed with the oppressive silence of a premium subscription service. Through the opaque windows of The Daily Grind, the team could see the faint, ghostly outlines of the "Locked Content"—the freedom they couldn't afford.
Inside, the atmosphere was frantic.
"We have ten minutes before the trial period ends!" Jen shouted, her "Burned Out Manager" blazer flapping as she stood on a table. She held a megaphone made of a rolled-up newspaper. "If we don't generate enough Hype to crash the server, we're going to be archived as 'Legacy Content'! Do you know what happens to Legacy Content? It gets rebooted by people who hate the source material!"
"I cannot be rebooted again!" Aldren Vance wailed. He was currently standing on the counter, striking a pose that was half-vampire, half-disco. The cheap blue bicycle light on his chest—his Color Timer—was blinking at a steady, anxiety-inducing rhythm. BEEP... BEEP... BEEP.
"Aldren, hold the pose!" Elara commanded. She was directing the scene with a biscotti as a baton. "You need to look tortured but merchandise-friendly! Give me 'Angst,' but make it 'Toyetic'!"
"I am a Lord of Darkness!" Aldren hissed through his teeth, flexing his cape made of garbage bags. "I am not a toy!"
"You are a limited edition action figure with karate-chop action!" Rex Chord corrected. The cyborg-bard was crouched behind the counter, holding his hands to his mouth like a beatboxer. "And I provide the sound effects! Ready? BWAAAA-BWOOOOM!"
"Li! Status report!" Elara yelled.
Li Wusheng was in the corner, trying to tape a cardboard fin to the back of his foam-rubber monster suit.
"I am... preparing," Li's voice muffled through the neck-hole. "But this suit... the zipper is jammed. I cannot achieve full range of motion. My 'Kaiju Roar' sounds like a sneeze."
"It doesn't matter!" Elara said. "The Paywall algorithm doesn't care about quality. It cares about Engagement. It cares about Teasers. We need to simulate a 'Next Episode Preview' so intense that the AI overloads trying to process the potential plot twists!"
She turned to the holographic padlock on the door. It was pulsing, waiting for payment.
"Okay, team," Elara announced. "Operation Clickbait is a go. The genre is 'Tokusatsu Heist.' The stakes are 'The Universe.' The budget is 'Twelve Dollars.' Action!"
Rex Chord took a deep breath.
"NEXT TIME! ON THE UNWRITTEN WORLD!" Rex screamed, his voice mimicking the gravelly, over-excited announcer of a Saturday morning cartoon. "THE STAKES HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGHER! OR LOWER! IT DEPENDS ON YOUR PERSPECTIVE!"
Aldren leaped from the counter. He didn't land gracefully; he landed with a thud that shook the floorboards.
"THE NIGHT MAMMAL MAN FACES HIS GREATEST CHALLENGE!" Rex narrated, making explosion noises with his cheek. "PSHHHH! KABOOOOM!"
Aldren whipped his garbage-bag cape around his face. "I... I will save the coffee! And the world! But mostly the coffee!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.
"More urgency!" Elara shouted. "Your timer is flashing! You're running out of screen time!"
"I am panic-stricken!" Aldren yelled, clutching his chest-light. "Oh no! My dramatic tension is leaking!"
Suddenly, the golden grid on the window flickered. A text box appeared on the glass:
[SYSTEM ALERT: HIGH LEVELS OF 'HYPE' DETECTED. ANALYZING TRAILER...]
"It's working!" Jen cheered. "The algorithm is curious! It wants to know if there's a crossover event!"
"Give it a villain!" Elara commanded. "Li, enter the frame!"
Li Wusheng waddled into the center of the room. He raised his stiff foam arms and wobbled menacingly.
"OH NO!" Rex screamed. "IT'S THE ANCIENT FOAM MONSTER, ZIPPER-ZILLA!"
"I am the Grandmaster of the Void!" Li corrected, trying to look intimidating despite the fact that his suit's tail kept knocking over chairs. "Fear my... uh... Polyester Palm!"
He swiped at a hanging plant. He missed by a foot.
"THE DESTRUCTION!" Rex shouted. "THE HORROR! CAN OUR HEROES SURVIVE?"
The Paywall grid flashed yellow.
[SYSTEM ALERT: ENGAGEMENT RISING. PREDICTED VIRALITY: 85%.]
"We're almost there!" Elara yelled. "We need a Henshin! A transformation sequence!"
"I am already transformed!" Aldren argued. "I am wearing trash bags!"
"We need a Power-Up!" Elara grabbed the portafilter from the espresso machine. She tossed it to Aldren. "Use this! It's your... uh... Caffeine Calibur!"
Aldren caught the heavy metal handle. He looked at it. He looked at Elara.
"Do it, Aldren!" Elara screamed. "Sell the toy!"
Aldren sighed, the sound of a man whose dignity had long since evaporated. He held the portafilter aloft.
"BY THE POWER OF ROASTED BEANS!" Aldren bellowed.
Rex Chord leaned into the microphone (a spoon). "ROAST! GRIND! BREW! ARE YOU READY?!"
Aldren slammed the portafilter into the group head of the machine.
"FULL BODIED FLAVOR! YEAHHHH!" Rex screeched.
Steam erupted from the machine (mostly because Jen held down the purge button). Aldren posed in the steam, his silhouette dramatic, his cape billowing from the force of the pressure release.
The Paywall turned orange.
[SYSTEM ALERT: HYPE CRITICAL. SERVER BUFFERING.]
"Push it over the edge!" Elara yelled. "Li! Rider Kick!"
"I cannot jump!" Li protested. "This suit weighs forty pounds!"
"We'll fake it!" Elara grabbed a roll of butcher paper she had drawn 'Speed Lines' on. "Jen, scroll the background! Rex, play the theme song! Li... float!"
Jen grabbed the paper and started running past Li, unrolling the speed lines. Rex began to hum a frantic, high-tempo brass melody.
Li stood on one leg. He leaned forward.
"RIDER... KICK..." Li droned, slowly tilting over.
It was the slowest, saddest kick in history. But against the scrolling background of speed lines and the intense music, it looked... strictly okay.
[SYSTEM ALERT: VIRALITY 100%. PAYWALL OVERLOAD.]
The holographic padlock on the door sparked. Smoke began to pour from the golden grid.
"It's crashing!" Elara cheered. "We did it! We out-hyped the—"
CRASH.
The door to the coffee shop didn't open. It was kicked in.
Standing in the doorway was not freedom. It was a squad of six men in tight, black bodysuits with white skeleton ribs painted on them. They wore masks that looked like screeching eagles, and they were all making the same noise.
"EEE! EEE!"
"Combatmen!" Rex gasped, dropping his spoon-mic. "The Shocker Troops! Omni-Draft's budget minions!"
Behind the minions, Silas Vane stepped in. He wasn't wearing his suit anymore. He was wearing a gold-plated version of a Power Ranger villain's armor, complete with a high collar and a ridiculous helmet shaped like a dollar sign.
"Did you really think you could pirate my signal?" Silas boomed. "I am the Premium Subscriber! And you... are demonetized!"
He pointed at the team.
"Combatmen! Seize them! And delete their browser history!"
"EEE! EEE!" The minions charged.
"Fight them!" Elara yelled, grabbing the tablet. "Budget battle rules apply! If you hit them, they have to explode!"
Aldren charged forward, wielding the Caffeine Calibur. A minion lunged at him with a plastic sword.
CLANG.
"Take this!" Aldren shouted. He tapped the minion on the shoulder with the portafilter.
The minion froze. He looked at the portafilter. He looked at the camera (which didn't exist). Then, he threw his arms up.
"EEE!"
POOF.
A cloud of white smoke erupted, and the minion vanished.
"One hit kills!" Aldren realized. "They are 'Mooks'! Their durability is zero!"
"I shall engage!" Li Wusheng shouted. He couldn't run, so he waddled into the fray. A minion tried to punch him, but Li's foam belly absorbed the blow with a soft squeak.
"My armor is impenetrable to low-budget violence!" Li proclaimed. He spun around, his stiff foam tail whacking three minions in the shins.
They all grabbed their legs, hopped once, and exploded into smoke.
"EEE! EEE! EEE!"
"This is ridiculous!" Silas Vane roared. "Stop dying! You're paid by the hour!"
He drew a weapon. It wasn't a sword. It was a glowing red 'Ban Hammer.'
"I'll do it myself," Silas growled. He charged at Elara.
"Elara, look out!" Jen screamed, throwing a scone. It bounced off Silas's armor.
Elara didn't move. She held up the tablet.
"You forgot something, Silas," Elara said coolly.
"What?" Silas raised the hammer.
"We're in a coffee shop," Elara said. "And you just brought a weapon into a 'no-conflict' zone."
She tapped the screen.
GENRE_RULE: PACIFIST_RUN.
The air in the cafe shimmered. The aggressive, high-contrast lighting of the fight scene suddenly softened into a warm, sepia filter. The dramatic battle music was replaced by a gentle acoustic guitar strumming.
Silas froze. His Ban Hammer turned into a baguette.
"What?" Silas stared at the bread. "Why is my weapon a carb?"
"Coffee Shop rules," Elara smiled. "No weapons. Only pastries."
"I... I can't fight with a baguette!" Silas stammered. "It lacks aerodynamic properties!"
"Then you lose," Elara said.
She signaled to Aldren. "Night Mammal Man! Finish him!"
Aldren stepped forward. His Color Timer was flashing furiously now. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEEEEEP.
"My time is up!" Aldren gasped. "I must unleash my finisher!"
He crossed his arms.
"ULTRA... ESPRESSO... BEAM!"
He didn't fire a beam. He grabbed a whipped cream canister from his belt and sprayed Silas in the face.
PSSSSHHHHHH.
Silas Vane, blinded by high-fructose corn syrup and dairy, stumbled backward.
"My eyes!" Silas screamed. "My premium vision! It's sticky!"
He tripped over Li's tail. He fell backward, crashing through the golden Paywall grid.
Because the Paywall was already overloaded by the Hype, Silas's impact was the final straw.
KZZZZT.
The golden grid shattered into a million pixelated coins. The holographic padlock dissolved.
"The barrier is down!" Rex shouted. "We're live!"
"Go!" Elara yelled. "Before the Critic realizes we switched genres!"
The team scrambled over the counter and through the broken door. They spilled out into the grey void of the Unrendered Space, dragging the Generic Van with them.
Behind them, Silas Vane sat up, covered in whipped cream and bread crumbs.
"This isn't over!" Silas shrieked, waving his baguette. "I'll report you! I'll flag your account! I'll leave a negative review!"
But they were already gone.
The Filler Episode Setup
They drove the van through the grey void for what felt like hours, though time in the unrendered space was relative. Aldren's timer had finally stopped beeping, mostly because he had passed out from exhaustion in the back seat.
"Where are we going?" Jen asked, driving the van. "We can't go back to the City. The Critic gave us two stars. If we show up looking like this—" she gestured to Li's foam suit "—he'll cancel us on sight."
Elara looked at her tablet. The signal from the Critic was still strong. He was scanning the narrative, looking for the "Next Plot Point."
"He's looking for a climax," Elara said. "He's expecting us to escalate. To fight a boss. To learn a lesson."
"And if we don't?" Rex asked.
"If we don't give him a plot point," Elara said, a slow smile spreading across her face, "he'll get bored. And if a Critic gets bored... he skips."
"Skips?" Li asked.
"Fast forward," Elara said. "If we can make the story so boring, so inconsequential, and so utterly devoid of stakes that he hits the 'Skip' button, we can bypass the Judgment Phase entirely."
"You want us to be... boring?" Aldren woke up, rubbing his eyes.
"Not boring," Elara corrected. "I want us to be Filler."
She pointed to a shimmering patch of data in the distance. It looked like a low-resolution jpeg of a palm tree.
"We're going to the beach," Elara said. "It's time for the obligatory Beach Episode."