The "Official Update" didn't arrive with a warning siren. It arrived with a harp glissando.
Elara Vance and her "Patchwork" team stood in the middle of Pike Place Market. Around them, the usual chaos of the merged reality was in full swing. A fishmonger was throwing a salmon that turned into a bouquet of flowers mid-air; a group of cyber-wizards were busking with keytars; and the sky was a pleasant shade of "Afternoon Tea Teal."
"They're coming," Elara said, checking her tablet. The "System Scan" bar Elara-Zero had left behind was ticking up. [FACTORY RESET: 2%]
"I am ready," Aldren Vance said. He adjusted his vintage sweater. "I have prepared my sharpest insults. If this 'Canon' version of me is anything less than a dark god of despair, I will be very disappointed."
"I have also prepared," Li Wusheng said, stretching in his sweatpants. "I have eaten a very large lunch. My center of gravity is immovable."
Suddenly, the clouds parted. Not naturally, but like a heavy velvet curtain being pulled back by invisible stagehands.
A beam of golden light descended onto the cobblestones. It was blindingly high-resolution. Where it touched the ground, the grime of the market vanished, replaced by polished marble.
"Behold," a voice boomed—smooth, melodic, and drowning in reverb. " The Guardians of the Gold Master!"
Three figures descended in the light.
First was Canon-Aldren. He didn't wear a sweater. He wore an open-chested silk shirt with ruffles, tight leather breeches, and a cape that flowed in a wind that smelled of lavender. His skin didn't look pale; it looked like crushed diamonds. He landed softly, tossed his hair (which shimmered), and winked at an unseen camera.
Second was Canon-Li. He floated in a lotus position, hovering three feet off the ground. His robes were pristine white silk with gold embroidery. His beard was perfectly groomed. He held a glowing orb of wisdom in one hand and looked at the world with an expression of serene, insufferable judgment.
And behind them, circling in the sky, was Ignis. He was a dragon, but not a scary one. He was a Golden Dragon drawn in 4K resolution, with scales that looked like minted coins and eyes that glowed with noble purpose.
"Greetings, corrupted echoes!" Canon-Aldren declared. He drew a rapier that looked more like jewelry than a weapon. "I am the Prince of the Velvet Night. I have come to put your messy existence out of its misery... with a kiss of steel."
Our Aldren stared at him. He blinked. He looked at the ruffles. He looked at the sparkles.
Then, he turned to the side and retched violently.
"Oh god," Patchwork-Aldren gagged. "The glitter. Why is he glittering? Is he radioactive?"
"I am luminous!" Canon-Aldren scoffed, striking a pose. "My skin reflects the purity of my love for the narrative!"
"You look like a disco ball had a child with a romance novel cover!" Patchwork-Aldren wiped his mouth, furious. "Do you have no dignity? Where is the blood? Where is the existential dread?"
"Dread is for beta-testers," Canon-Aldren sniffed. "In the Gold Master, we only feel Yearning."
He lunged. But he didn't attack. He pirouetted. He carved a perfect 'A' into the air with his rapier, which lingered as a glowing trail.
"Fight me!" Patchwork-Aldren roared, his shadows flaring up (messy, ink-blot shadows). "Stop dancing and bite something!"
On the other side, Canon-Li floated toward Patchwork-Li.
"Greetings, lower-resolution self," Canon-Li intoned. "I sense your Qi is... congested. Have you not purged your chakras of the 'Caffeine' toxin?"
"I like coffee," Patchwork-Li grunted, entering a combat stance that was solid but slightly slouchy. "It keeps me awake for the gaming tournaments."
"Gaming?" Canon-Li shook his head sadly. "A distraction. In the Gold Master, I spend eternity contemplating the sound of one hand clapping."
"That sounds boring," Patchwork-Li said. "I prefer the sound of a high-score notification."
Canon-Li raised his hand. "Let me enlighten you. Technique of the Silent Lotus."
He fired a beam of pure, white peace.
Patchwork-Li didn't block it with magic. He pulled out a trash can lid he had picked up earlier.
CLANG.
The peace-beam deflected off the dirty metal lid.
"Improvised armor!" Patchwork-Li shouted. "The Dao of Scavenging!"
"Uncivilized!" Canon-Li gasped.
Above them, Elara watched the chaos. Her team was holding their own, largely because the Canon Team was too busy posing to actually land a hit. But the dragon was a problem.
"Ignis!" Elara-Zero's voice echoed from the sky. "Burn the corruption! Sanitize the sector!"
The Golden Dragon roared—a majestic sound like a choir of trumpets. He dove toward the market.
"He's going to torch the fish market!" Jen screamed, firing her "Manager's Keycard" laser (a barcode scanner) at the beast.
Ignis opened his mouth. Gold fire began to gather.
But as he swooped low, he passed through a "Slice of Life" zone near the gum wall—a remnant of the Uncanonical merger where reality was strictly defined by low-stakes drama.
The conflicting genres—High Fantasy Dragon vs. Gritty Urban Reality—collided.
GLITCH.
Ignis didn't breathe fire. He hit an invisible wall of logic. His 4K scales flickered. His massive form compressed.
There was a sound like a balloon deflating. Pffffft.
Ignis crashed into a dumpster behind a kebab shop.
The dust cleared.
Lying in the dumpster was not a dragon. It was a man. He was tall, blonde, and incredibly handsome, but he was wearing a bright orange tracksuit and cheap slide sandals.
"Ow," the man groaned. He sat up, rubbing his head. "My hitbox... what happened to my hitbox?"
"Ignis?" Canon-Aldren stopped pirouetting. "Noble steed! Are you unharmed?"
The man in the tracksuit sniffed the air. He ignored Canon-Aldren. He looked at the kebab shop window, where a rotisserie of spiced meat was spinning.
"What..." Ignis whispered, his eyes widening. "What is that smell?"
He climbed out of the dumpster. He walked past Elara, past the fighting vampires, and pressed his face against the glass.
"It smells like... grease," Ignis whispered reverently. "And... spices. And... mortality."
The shop owner, a large man named Stan, looked out. "You want a falafel, buddy?"
"I want..." Ignis pointed a trembling finger. "I want the spinning meat cylinder."
"Lamb kebab. Ten bucks."
Ignis patted his tracksuit pockets. He looked at Canon-Aldren.
"Hey! Sparkles!" Ignis shouted. "Give me ten gold coins! I need to consume the cylinder!"
"Ignis!" Canon-Aldren gasped. "You are a Guardian of the Sky! You consume only starlight and duty!"
"Starlight tastes like nothing!" Ignis yelled, creating a scene. "I have a stomach now! And it demands the meat!"
He looked at Elara. "Hey. You. Glitch-Girl. You got ten bucks?"
Elara blinked. She reached into her apron and pulled out a crumpled ten-dollar bill. "Umm... sure?"
Ignis snatched the money. "Thanks. I owe you one. I'm not burning anything until I eat this."
He marched into the shop.
"The dragon has defected," Li Wusheng noted, lowering his trash can lid. "For a sandwich."
"It is a kebab," Patchwork-Aldren corrected. "And frankly, I respect his priorities."
High above, the sky flickered. Elara-Zero's face appeared in the clouds, looking annoyed.
"Unexpected error," Elara-Zero muttered. "Biological needs sub-routine was not supposed to activate. Retracting Canon Team for debugging."
A beam of light hit Canon-Aldren and Canon-Li.
"This isn't over!" Canon-Aldren shouted as he was pulled into the sky. "I shall return! And I shall teach you the art of the seductive stare!"
"Please don't!" Patchwork-Aldren yelled back.
Ignis, chewing happily on a kebab in the doorway, waved at them with a wrapper. "Yo, tell her I'm taking a personal day! This meat is amazing! It's so... greasy!"
The portal closed. The factory reset paused at [3%].
Elara looked at her team. Aldren was wiping vomit from his mouth. Li was still holding a trash can lid. And a dragon in a tracksuit was eating lunch.
"Well," Elara said, putting her tablet away. "We survived the pilot episode."
"But the season is long," Li said. "And I believe we just adopted a dragon."
"I'm keeping the tracksuit," Ignis mumbled with his mouth full. "It breathes."