The end of the world didn't begin with a bang. It began with a notification badge.
Three days after the "Crossover Event" merged Seattle with the Uncanonical, the city had settled into a chaotic, vibrant equilibrium. It was a "Patchwork Reality." You could buy fresh salmon at Pike Place Market from a cyborg; you could take a bus that was actually a dragon (the fare was two shiny rocks); and the Space Needle, still leaning precariously against the ruins of the Trope Tower, had been repurposed as a massive Wi-Fi antenna for the "Open Beta" network.
Elara Vance sat on the roof of the Meow & Bow, sipping a coffee that tasted faintly of ozone and pixels. Beside her, Rex Chord was teaching a Glitch-Cat how to strum a ukulele, while Li Wusheng was meditating, floating three inches above a pile of comic books.
"The Qi in this sector is... crunchy," Li observed, opening one eye. "It tastes of cheap newsprint and unresolved cliffhangers."
"It's the new atmosphere," Elara said, adjusting her wrap-around shades. "We're not just in a genre anymore, Li. We're in a 'Cult Classic.' It's messy, it's low-budget, but the fans love it."
"Fans?" Aldren asked. The Vampire Lord emerged from the roof access door. He was wearing a "Night Mammal Man" t-shirt because his original suit had been lost in the merger. "I do not perform for fans. I perform for the darkness."
"You have a fan club," Jen shouted from the street below, where she was hosing down her mech. "They call themselves the 'Bat-Brooders.' They meet on Tuesdays!"
Aldren groaned, burying his face in his hands. "I am undone."
Suddenly, the sky—which had been a pleasant, glitchy shade of violet—turned a stark, clinical white.
The noise that followed wasn't thunder. It was the sound of a giant, red marker uncapping. SCREEEEE.
"He's back," Elara whispered, standing up.
On the horizon, the Red Line descended. It wasn't the Omni-Draft "Acquisition Beam" or the Tyrant's "Ink." It was a flat, two-dimensional line that cut through the clouds like a razor.
And where it touched the world, numbers appeared.
A floating text box hovered over the Olympic Mountains: [RATING: 3/5 STARS. SCENERY IS CLICHÉ.]
As the rating appeared, the mountains didn't crumble. They just... lost resolution. The majestic peaks turned into low-poly triangles. The snow became a flat white texture.
"He's grading us," Elara realized. "It's a Performance Review."
The Red Line swept toward the city. It passed over Princess Perfecta's castle.
[RATING: 5/5 STARS. EXCELLENT PRODUCTION VALUE. STUNNING VISUALS.]
The castle glowed brighter, its gold turning to high-definition 8K resolution. Sparky the Dog (currently napping) gained a sparkly particle effect around his fur.
"He likes the Mary Sues," Rex spat. "Figures. The Critic hates risk."
The Red Line moved faster, sweeping over the International District. It hit the Meow & Bow.
Elara held her breath. She gripped the beige "Calcul-8-or," ready to edit.
The Red Line passed through them. It felt cold. It felt like being looked at by someone who was already disappointed in you.
A text box appeared over the cafe:
[RATING: 2/5 STARS. TONE IS INCONSISTENT. HEROES LACK BUDGET. SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE LAUGHABLE.]
"Two stars?!" Aldren was outraged. "I am a centuries-old vampire! I have gravitas!"
"Aldren, look at your chest," Elara said, her voice trembling.
Aldren looked down.
There, embedded in the center of his chest, was a glowing blue lightbulb encased in cheap silver plastic. It looked exactly like a bicycle light glued to a shirt.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
"What... what is this?" Aldren poked the light. It made a hollow plastic sound.
"It's a Color Timer," Elara said, suppressing a hysterical giggle. "Like in those old Tokusatsu shows. The Critic thinks we're 'Low Budget.' He's turned you into a rubber-suit hero."
"I am not a rubber suit!" Aldren shouted.
As his heart rate rose, the blue light suddenly flashed red. The beeping sped up. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.
"Warning," a tinny voice announced from Aldren's chest. "Drama Levels Critical. Please strike a pose to recharge."
"I will not strike a pose!" Aldren yelled. He tried to turn into a mist, but instead of vanishing, a puff of talcum powder exploded around him, and he just sort of... crouched behind a chimney.
"Cheap effects," Li noted. "You have been nerfed, vampire."
"Li, don't move," Elara warned.
Li Wusheng stood up. Or rather, he tried to. As he moved, his robes stiffened. They weren't fabric anymore. They were made of thick, painted foam rubber.
Li turned his head. His neck didn't swivel naturally. The entire upper torso of his "suit" turned with him.
And on his back, running from his neck to his waist, was a giant, visible zipper.
"I feel... constricted," Li said, his voice muffled as if he were speaking from inside a bucket. He raised his arms in a stiff, jerky motion. "My range of motion is limited to forty-five degrees! I cannot perform the flowing water stance!"
"You're a Suit Actor," Rex laughed, though he looked nervous. "The Critic thinks your martial arts are fake, so he put you in a monster costume."
"This is undignified!" Li shouted, waving his stiff foam arms. "I am a Grandmaster! I am not a mascot!"
"We have to go," Elara said. "If we stay here, the rating might drop to One Star. And One Star means cancellation."
"Where do we go?" Jen asked. She had turned into a "Sidekick Character"—her outfit was now a generic yellow uniform, and she was holding a clipboard that served no purpose.
"The Coffee Shop AU," Elara said. "It's in the Underbelly. The Critic ignores it because he thinks it's a 'Guilty Pleasure'."
"To the van!" Rex shouted.
They scrambled down the fire escape. Aldren's Color Timer was beeping frantically—BEEP-BEEP-BEEP—echoing through the alleyway.
"Aldren, turn it off!" Elara hissed. "It ruins the stealth!"
"I can't!" Aldren whispered-shouted. "It's tied to my anxiety! The more stressed I am, the faster it beeps!"
They reached the generic grey van. But as they piled in, the Red Line overhead pulsed. The Critic had noticed them moving.
[CRITIC_NOTE: ACTION SEQUENCE INITIATED. BUDGET INSUFFICIENT FOR CAR CHASE. DEPLOYING... THE RECYCLED PROPS.]
The asphalt of the street bubbled. Rising from the ground were not fearsome monsters or sleek drones.
They were... vacuum cleaners.
But they had googly eyes glued to the front and cardboard fangs taped to the nozzles. There were dozens of them.
"Behold!" a booming voice announced. "The Dust-Buster Battalion! Fear their suction!"
"Are you kidding me?" Jen asked, looking at her clipboard. "We're being attacked by appliances?"
"It's a Budget Cut," Elara said, starting the van. "The Critic won't waste good CGI on a Two-Star scene."
The vacuum cleaners revved their engines. VRRRRRR. They charged, their cords whipping around like tentacles.
"Aldren! Blast them!" Elara yelled.
"I don't have heat vision anymore!" Aldren panicked. His timer went BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP. "I only have... the Spacium Beam!"
"Do it!"
Aldren groaned. He crossed his wrists in a "plus" shape.
"SPACIUM... THINGY!"
A beam of light shot from his hands. But it wasn't energy. It was literal sparks—like a Roman candle.
The sparks hit the lead vacuum cleaner. It didn't explode. It just tipped over.
BONK.
"It worked!" Rex cheered. "Low budget beats low budget!"
"Li! Clear the road!"
Li Wusheng stepped out of the van. He looked at the wall of vacuum cleaners. He couldn't do kung fu. His foam suit was too stiff.
"I must rely on... The Henshin Kick," Li muttered.
He ran forward. It wasn't a run; it was a slow jog because the suit was heavy.
"RIDER... KICK!" Li shouted.
He jumped.
Gravity seemed to give up. Li floated through the air in slow motion. Behind him, a scrolling background of speed lines (painted on cardboard) appeared out of nowhere.
He extended one foam-covered leg.
He hit the vacuum cleaners.
POW! BAM! ZAP!
Comic book text bubbles obscured the impact. The vacuum cleaners flew backward, their googly eyes rattling.
"Get in!" Elara screamed, swinging the door open.
Li waddled back to the van, his zipper flapping in the wind. "That was... surprisingly effective. Though the lack of impact physics is disturbing."
Elara slammed on the gas. The van puttered away, Aldren's chest beeping a frantic rhythm that sounded suspiciously like the theme song to a 1960s sci-fi show.
As they sped toward the Underbelly entrance, Elara looked back. The Red Line was still there, hovering over the city.
[RATING: 2.5 STARS. ACTION WAS CHEESY BUT CHARMING. WILL WATCH NEXT EPISODE.]
"We survived the pilot," Elara sighed, rubbing her temples. "But if we don't fix this rating, we're going to get cancelled before the mid-season finale."
"I need a recharge," Aldren wheezed, clutching his blinking chest. "Does anyone have a battery? Or perhaps a dramatic monologue?"
"Save it for the Coffee Shop," Elara said. "We've got a long season ahead of us."