Hello. My name is Javert Ayayaya. I am 20 years old and recently graduated from some random high school with an amazing gpa of -0.8. After such a spectacular performance at school, I became a professional gambler, gang fighter and an alcoholic.
However, my stay in this haven was cut short by unforeseen circumstances. I'm not going to delve into unnecessary details as to how it happened, but I died.
That's all you need to know.
Also the title of this book is a lie.
I did not die like that.
Someone else did.
Not me.
Definetly...
Anyways, what matters right now, is the fact that I am standing inside a small white box with no windows or doors, and at one end, a man with a stern facial expression sitting behind a wooden table, his perfect hands holding a stack of papers. The light in the room seemed to all come from his ethereally handsome form and and stern beautiful face.
He was, in the full sense of the word, very hot looking...
The strange stern man sharply looked up, fixing me with a stern, unblinking, stare. I stared back, stunned by the beauty of his stern blue eyes.
We remained like this for at least 10 minutes.
"Um, hello?" I finally said.
The stern man kept staring.
A thought crossed my mind. Could the man have intercepted my thoughts of him?
"I'm...sorry?"
The stern man seemed satisfied.
"Cause of death?" he asked in a dominant masculine tone, glancing at the papers.
I froze.
"I...just died," I quietly answered.
"Elaborate."
I growned inwardly. Why can't we just leave my past alone, and just let me go to either heaven or hell? I honestly don't care where.
"Nah," I replied.
The stern man kept staring at me.
I stared back.
An hour passed.
My anger at having my recent past being poked increased exponentially, and begun to boil over.
"Can we leave my past alone!?" I finally exploded.
The stern man did not react and just kept staring.
Another hour passed.
"Fine, I...I...choked," I mumbled, feeling defeated.
The stern man crossed his arms and kept staring.
"FINE! I ATE A CAR TIRE AND CHOKED ON IT AND DIED! YOU HAPPY NOW?"
Ugh.
The cat is out of the bag now. I guess you deserve an explanation now.
After obliterating our rival gang, my boss hosted a party with tons of alcohol and entertainment.Yes, entertainment. I'm not elaborating.
Anyways, everything was fine at first, everyone was just getting increasingly intoxicated and wild. Until my friend Ben, Ben Dover, made a bet the he will be able to chew through car tire.
Of course now we all had to walk out of the bar now, to see if my idiot friend would win the bet. Hobbling over to our boss' pink Volkswagen Beetle, Ben Dover bent over and began gnawing the rubber. The rest of the gang surrounded him, giving him various suggestions and cheering him on.
"Try lower!"
"Its so easy, just chew harder!"
"Start grinding your teeth bitch!"
After around an hour or so of laborious gnawing, Ben gave up, retreating angrily, his forehead glistening.
"What a pussy!" I yelled at him, "I could chew that in no time!"
"Go try, you son of a bitch!" Ben retorted angrily.
Here comes the worst part: I got on my hands and knees, and bit the tire. I had to prove that I am stronger than Ben, so I spent TWO hours tearing at the tire. I do not remember how, but eventually I bit a huge hunk of rubber and triumphantly swallowed it.
It got stuck midway through, and amidst the congratulating gang members, I passed out, unable to breathe, and eventually died.
That's the whole story.
A sudden ring interrupted my reverie. And old school telephone suddenly appeared by the stern man's right hand. He picked at up and listened, still staring at me sternly.
A few minutes later he put it back down.
"A dumbass like you is needed in a certain world called Boobslovia," he boomed.
"Boobs...what?" I asked, confused.
light particles began to shimmer around me.
"May you have balls of steel," said the man with a stern face, smiling for the first time.
As the world started to fade away, I noticed that the stern man's smile had turned into a smirk...
After several hours of being surrounded by blinding shimmering light in an endless void, I reappeared in a strange new world. Completely surrounding me were beautiful plains that smelled deliciously of grass and flowers, and a pure blue sky overhead.
The next thing I realized, was the fact that I appeared suspended in the air, with a wooden fence right below me.
And as soon as I realized that, the light dropped me.
A second later a fence post came in contact with my groin.
As immense pain surged through my entire being, I suddenly understood what the man with the stern face said.
I passed out a few seconds later.