Once we step outside, the music is deafening, drowning out almost every imaginable noise, while the colorful party lights bounce off the freshly inflated balloons and the other students' handmade decorations. I search a fold of my mother's dress, then take a deep breath, filling my lungs, and enter the main room.
I see it, almost in front of me.
Aizawa-sensei is with the other teachers, in the middle of a conversation with Present Mic and Midnight. He appears completely immersed in the conversation, barely gesturing, and I immediately notice that his eyes appear lighter, less tired, and slightly more relieved. Maybe he heard the enormous door open, because the moment Tess and I step into the room, he and Present Mic turn around. Just for a second...and he looks at me. But there's too much in that look to be just a coincidence. As usual, I feel my heart do that same leap, that same twist before returning to its place, but I don't move. I stay where I am, next to Tess and my classmates' table.
He also stays still...but he doesn't look away. Or at least, not right away.
And when he finally does, my heart starts beating regularly again. I realize that, for the first time since this all began, I no longer feel confused, or that classic sense of agitation that gripped me until yesterday. I feel less frustrated, more focused, and more determined to show myself for who I am, for a girl who doesn't have to beg anyone to be loved.
I feel calm. And I think that, for the first time, it will be Aizawa-sensei who has to choose.
Then, for some reason, my eyes fall on Present Mic, aka Hizashi-sensei. He's incredibly elegant in his black suit, his hair falling down his back, down to his butt, and with his little mustache and clear sunglasses, he looks truly sexy. I touch my forehead when I glance sideways at Tess.
"...But what about you?" I ask her.
"Me what?" Tess asks, her smile already guilty. I already know what she's thinking.
"You and Present Mic. How's it going?"
She immediately blushes, as if someone had flipped a switch.
"Huh? W-what makes you think that?"
I stare at her. I mean, I just stare, waiting for her response.
Tess snorts. "Okay, okay! Yeah, we're still seeing each other. And it's going great, if you must know."
I smile, surprised by her positive response.
"Really? And here I was thinking… you guys were arguing a lot lately. I don't know, you haven't been very close since the last party we threw."
Tess shrugs softly, playing with a lock of her green hair.
"It's true. He was more distant, yes. More stressed. And I got irritated by everything. It felt like we were almost… leaving everything behind. You know, he and Aizawa-sensei… they're not very good at showing their feelings."
Then her smile changes, becoming more tender.
"But in the end, we had a serious talk, and things worked out. He… when he wants to, he can be incredibly sweet."
I nod, feeling really happy for her. Then, I lean closer to her, almost in a whisper.
"And…will you tell the others? At school, I mean…"
Tess's eyes widen. "Are you crazy? No, no, no!"
"So it's keeping it a secret."
"Of course. He wants to protect me...and he says the students wouldn't understand, and that they'd start making all kinds of jokes. And then Midnight..."
Tess's expression changes, becoming more dramatic.
"...she would never stop teasing us. Never."
I laugh, putting a hand over my mouth. "I see…"
She shakes her head, satisfied with her complicity and my understanding.
"That's better, at least for now."
***
The alcohol at the party left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth, and not even chewing gum could fix it. I run the tip of my index finger over my lips; they still feel sensitive from the kisses and bites I've exchanged with Aizawa-sensei. The room is almost empty by now, but the echoes of laughter, the off-key notes of the saxophone, and the occasional song hummed here and there still seem to linger between the walls. Sensei and I exchanged glances for most of the evening, his constant hungry gaze, which always makes me feel naked, even when I'm dressed. Tonight, however, I was a little different than other times: tonight I put on a little armor of indifference, and for the first time, I tried not to be a burden.
Tess looks at me with a mixture of pride and disbelief, her lips still wearing dark lipstick and her pupils dilated from adrenaline, or perhaps something more intense she did in the bathroom.
"God, Eri, if I'd seen your face..."
She says, leaning closer to me until her scent envelops me.
"He thought you'd run to him like usual. But no. Instead, you looked at him like he was a stranger."
I smile, but it's a tight, almost painful smile. "Maybe it's because, deep down, he is still a stranger... unfortunately."
"Or maybe because you've finally realized you deserve more than his crumbs. Or his mental confusion."
She replies, squeezing my wrist with her cold fingers.
"Make sure he doesn't forget."
I nod, but something inside me twists. It's easy to say these things when you're like Tess, when you have the world at your feet and you don't mind trampling on anyone just to keep everything under control. I'm not like that. I feel every cut, every scratch, every unspoken word like a knife stuck in my skin.
"Let's go," she says, dragging me toward the exit. "Before I change my mind."
The night air outside the building hits me like a slap. It's humid, heavy, heavy with rain. We walk in silence for a while, our steps synchronized, our shoulders occasionally brushing. Tess smokes a cigarette, and I concentrate on watching the smoke curl in the air before dissipating. Then I stare at my shoes, the high heels that have been hurting my feet for hours, and I observe the red marks on my ankles left by the overly tight straps.
"So?" she asks, throwing the cigarette butt to the ground and crushing it with the toe of her shoe. "What are your plans for tomorrow? Or rather…for tonight?"
She laughs, as if she's already guessed my thoughts. I shrug, feeling the weight of the evening.
"Nothing. I'm sleeping. I'm reading. I'm trying not to think."
"Hmm." Tess gives me a sidelong glance. "Or you could come with me and Hizashi. He said he's taking us for a walk. We could go for a drive, somewhere where no one knows us."
I shake my head before she even finishes her sentence. "No, thanks. I'm not in the mood…"
She sighs, as if I were an unfinished project.
"Okay. But if you change your mind, call me. I don't want you sitting there dwelling on Aizawa-sensei all the time."
"Don't worry, I won't," I reply.
"Oh no?" Tess stops, grabs my shoulders, and forces me to look at her. Her green eyes shine in the dim light. "So what is it, Eri? Why do you let him do this? Why do you let him get close to you again?"
I don't answer. I don't know how to answer.
She lets me go, shaking her head. "One day you'll understand that men like him don't change. They simply find new victims when the old ones no longer interest them."
Her words hurt, but I don't reply. Because I know she's right. And because, despite everything, a part of me still hopes she's wrong.
In short, when I get home, there's an incredible silence, broken only by the hum of the television in the kitchen. Mom and Dad have been asleep for hours now, their door is closed and the light is off. Ryota is sitting on the couch, his legs stretched out, a half-empty bowl of cereal in his lap. His hair is messy, as if he'd had a fight with a fan, and he's wearing only a tight white T-shirt. When I walk in, he looks up, and I find those red eyes on me, with that look that always makes him seem a little drunk or a little angry, and he stares at me. As usual, he makes me uncomfortable.
"What are you looking at?" he says, his voice hoarse and already defensive.
"Nothing." I take off my shoes. "I didn't think you were still awake, I thought you were hanging out with the others."
He shrugs, bringing a spoonful of cereal to his mouth. "I didn't feel like it." Translation: none of your business.
I walk over to the refrigerator, opening it and realizing my portion of dessert is missing.
"Did you take the last croissant?"
He sighs, exasperated. "Yes. Now report me."
"Ryota, that was for tom…"
"For your model-like pseudo-heroine diet?"
I glare at him, biting my cheek in anger.
"Are you always this annoying? Or do you always choose the most inconvenient time of day?"
He opens his mouth to retort, already furious and annoyed, but just then his phone vibrates, resting next to the bowl in front of him.
I look, it's impossible not to look because it's almost next to me. The screen lights up and... a huge photo appears. A crystal-clear photo.
Rumi Usagiyama. Mirko. In a damn sexy pose, with his classic cocky smile and perfect body.
I remain still, my eyes moving to his. I hold my breath. Ryota, on the other hand, transforms in a flash from an almost normal but slightly irritated boy to a walking atomic explosion.
"DON'T look!" He growls, grabbing the phone as if I'm trying to steal it. I smile slightly.
"Me? I just…"
"You didn't see anything."
It's red. But not a normal red. A red like, 'I want to disappear into a hole in the ground and not appear for three days.'"
I try to hold back a laugh, putting a hand over my mouth. My eyes soften, and I take a step toward him.
"So it was true…"
"ERI."
He shouts my name, but he shouts it with a tone that could kill a turned-off appliance.
"Don't worry, I won't tell your dear mother. No one will know."
"I don't care if…" Then he stops, huffing. He runs a hand through his hair, desperate.
"Oh well, forget it. I don't want to talk about it."
And without waiting for a response from me, he grabs the bowl, the phone, and with a look of absolute shame (I have to bury myself) he takes the stairs two at a time and goes to his room, closing the door slowly so as not to wake Mom and Dad.
I'm left in the kitchen completely alone, staring at an empty chair. And a thought comes to me, inevitable: Ryota, in love. I never thought I'd see him blush like that.
I collapse onto the couch, letting out a sigh and groaning with exhaustion. I lie down, changing the TV channel, trying to relax a bit. The evening was wonderful, I had a great time with my classmates too...and then with AIzawa-sensei...we did it again. Again, despite the fact that he said those horrible things to me last time.
My phone vibrates. I wonder who it could be at this hour, considering it's three in the morning. I turn on my phone, and the message notification says...Aizawa-sensei. My heart skips a beat.
"What?!" I whisper, cupping my hand over my mouth, startled by the unexpected situation. I unlock my phone incredibly slowly, swallow, and open the messages app.
"Are you sure you want to play this game, Eri?"
I take a deep breath. I remain silent, my hands shaking slightly. No, I don't want to play this game, but you've brought me here. I'm tired of chasing after someone who doesn't want me.
"I won't make the first move. I'll wait for you." I reply, unsure whether to send it or not. Finally, after a few minutes, I send it, leaving the phone far away.
A few seconds pass, which seem endless to me. Then, I feel it vibrate again. My heart skips a beat.
"I'm not good at games like that. And I'm not going to let you take the second step, either."
I smile nervously, biting my lower lip.
"So you want me to wait? Even though I might get tired..."
Ah, it's nice to be a bitch.
I send...still silence. I set my phone on the couch next to me and stare at it with unusual intensity. It vibrates again. I open the chat.
"You won't get tired. Not yet."
My heart is pounding. What is he implying? I mean, is that what I think? I want to run to him, but I stay still.
"Why are you doing this to me? You act like... you know I want to run to you."
I send it again. This time I stay online... and I read his online status under his name. I see a few words appear, suddenly.
"Because…it's been like this. For a while."
Oh God, a lump forms in my throat. Just a few words, but they feel like punches in the face. I take a deep breath.
"For a while? So…why did you notice and never say so?"
Silence…the gap between one message and the next makes me tremble even more. I clutch the phone, it still feels warm. Then finally:
"Saying certain things isn't my style. I'm not here to confide in you...but I'm not here to back down either."
What? What's he saying? Oh my, he seems...he seems to be walking away. I want to scream, write everything to him...but I can't.
"You're always so...evasive. Why can't you tell me clearly?"
I gather my courage and send the message, my heart in my throat. This time, the reply is quick and sharp.
"Clearly? Maybe because words aren't enough. I'll show what matters…in my own way."
I remain in absolute silence. My heart is pounding, and I'm almost sick. I feel him close to me, even though he's far away, in his home.
"...Aizawa-sensei…"
I send. But it vibrates again immediately afterward.
"I don't promise you sweetness, I'm not the type. But if you stay…it'll be worth it."
The phone remains silent, and I don't know what to say. I breathe slowly, placing a hand on my chest, trying to calm myself. But my heart is pounding. I want to answer right away, immediately, I want to run to him and hug him... I want to have sex with him, until tomorrow morning. I resist. I wait. I don't answer.
A few minutes later, another one comes in.
"I can't sleep."
My stomach tightens.
"Me neither."
Those three dots, they keep appearing and disappearing. Then, it arrives.
"I keep thinking about you."
I freeze. It's a strange feeling, he usually…he doesn't talk like that. He never talks like that. I feel the blood rising in my face, but I try to stay composed.
"About what, exactly?"
I ask him. I can't believe he's writing these things to me, unfiltered, without his usual icy mask he wears in court.
"About how sexy you were tonight, Eri. About how I should have stopped, but I couldn't."
The letters dance before my eyes.
"You don't seem sorry." I text him, on the spot.
"I'm not," he replies.
I grip the pillow tightly with my other hand, biting my lip. I don't know what to say. A little later, another one arrives.
"The problem is, it's not enough."