Narrator: Sora
(Because Pit is about to emotionally short-circuit.)
The Light Wing door slid open with a soft shing, and Pit stepped inside…
…only for his entire soul to attempt to leave his body.
Standing in the center of the room was a man you absolutely did not want to see when you were moving into a new house.
Long silver hair.
Glowing green cat-eyes.
Black coat that screamed "final boss."
Thousands of ominous feathers gently drifting for no reason.
[Insert image of Sephiroth]
Sephiroth.
The actual One-Winged Angel.
Pit squeaked. Not a scream. Not a gasp.
A squeak.
"Um… hi?" he managed.
Sephiroth turned slowly, because of course he did. He didn't talk like a normal person—
He dramatically existed at you.
"You must be the new roommate we were told about," Sephiroth said, voice smoother than a freshly polished katana.
Pit gulped. Loudly. Loud enough everyone in the Light Wing probably heard it.
Sephiroth stepped aside, revealing the rest of the room.
On the lower bunk sat a black-haired teen in casual clothes and glasses, flipping through a book with the quiet patience of someone used to dealing with criminals, monsters, and teachers.
[Insert images of Ren Amamiya. Joker.]
Ren Amamiya. Joker.
Because why have one terrifying roommate when you can have two?
He gave Pit a nod. "Yo."
Pit nodded back. "Yo?"
(He was 80% sure that wasn't how you greeted a Phantom Thief, but it was too late to take it back.)
Then Pit felt something behind him.
A presence.
A cold, evil, space-dragon presence.
He turned slowly and saw—
A giant purple pterosaur-dragon creature with razor claws, glowing eyes, and a snarl that could curdle milk.
[Insert image of Ridley]
Ridley.
Sleeping.
Snoring.
And taking up 40% of the room.
There was a sign taped to his tail that read:
"DO NOT WAKE.
He bit Pichu last time."
Pit stared at the three of them.
Sephiroth
Joker
Ridley
This was his roommate list.
This was his life now.
Pit inhaled.
Pit exhaled.
Pit whispered to himself:
"…Girls… I miss you already."
And from somewhere far away in the Smash House, seven goddesses sneezed simultaneously.
Pit swallowed hard, forcing himself to step farther into the room. He glanced at the three intimidating figures already staring at him and tried again.
"So… what about the fourth one? Is he not going to introduce himself?"
Ren closed his book slowly, eyes narrowing in interest.
"You… noticed him."
Pit blinked.
"Noticed who—?"
THUNK.
A box in the corner shook.
Then another THUNK.
Then the lid burst open like someone exploding out of a coffin in reverse.
Out stepped a muscular, rugged man in his late 30s, towering over Pit with a scar on his face, a mullet, and the energy of someone who smokes stress for breakfast.
He cracked his neck.
[Insert image of Snake]
Snake: "Hn. Most people don't see me unless I want them to. Good eyes, kid."
Pit stared.
Pit: "...You were hiding in a box."
Snake: "Stealth."
Ridley hissed approvingly. Ren went back to reading like this was normal. Sephiroth didn't even blink.
Pit had only been here for one minute, and he already knew two things:
'1. Living in the Smash House was going to take a lot of adjusting.
2. He was absolutely keeping that box story away from his wives, because they would never let him live it down.'
Sephiroth didn't even react. He simply turned, cloak swaying like it had its own dramatic instincts.
"Since you're here," he said, voice smooth but carrying the weight of several bad decisions Pit had not made yet, "a few rules."
Pit tilted his head, wings fluffing.
"Rules?"
Ren sighed, fond and tired. "Come on, he literally just got here."
Ridley hiss-growled from his bed in a way Pit really hoped was agreement and not a threat.
Snake: "Rule one: Don't touch my boxes."
Pit: "…Noted."
Ren sighed and tapped his book with a finger. "Okay, okay—Rule 2: Don't touch my phone. You will absolutely get text-blasted by my girlfriend. She once sent me seventy-two messages because Morgana sneezed."
Pit nodded slowly. "I… don't know what a phone is."
Ren froze. Sephiroth froze. Ridley opened one eye.
Sephiroth cleared his throat like he was about to announce the end of days. "We'll… circle back to that."
He folded his arms. "Rule 3: Do not touch my sword. Ever. I don't care how shiny it looks."
Pit gulped. "I wasn't planning to…"
Ridley grunted from his nest. "Rule 4: If you wake me before my sleep cycle is done, I eat whatever woke me."
Pit wasn't sure if he was joking. No one clarified.
Ren raised a hand. "Rule 5: We all try to keep the room clean. Keyword—try."
Pit looked around. Sephiroth's area was immaculate. Ren's bed was organized but covered in books. Ridley's corner looked like a dragon-sized toddler was nesting. And the fourth bed—Snape's—was the neat chaos of someone who thought they were organized but absolutely was not.
Pit blinked. "So… pretty normal stuff?"
All three of them stared at him like he had spoken the wildest thing imaginable.
Sephiroth pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kid… welcome to the Light Wing."
Meanwhile, in a different wing of the Smash House, someone else was hard at work.
A massive wheel filled with dozens upon dozens of names spun on a floating holographic screen, clicking loudly as it slowed. Standing in front of it was a slender teen with spiky brown hair, bright blue eyes, and a grin that always looked one second away from becoming trouble.
Sora.
And floating beside him like a perfectly round, perfectly pink supervisor was Kirby, who nodded seriously with every click of the wheel.
The wheel slowed… slowed…
CLICK.
It stopped on two names: Luigi and Ness.
Sora groaned, leaning so far back in his chair he nearly fell. "Well, Kirby… looks like we've got our lineup for tomorrow's tournament. Or at least for the first round."
Kirby gave a tiny thumbs-up.
"Great," Sora sighed, rubbing his temples. "Now we just have to pray Luigi doesn't faint and Ness doesn't break the arena again."
He reached forward and pressed a glowing button labeled CONFIRM MATCHES, and the wheel folded back into the screen.
Sora stretched, cracking his back. "Alright, buddy. C'mon. Let's go warn the medical team."
Kirby blinked.
Then slowly… ever so slowly… shook his head.
Sora froze. "…Right. Let them find out the hard way."
He gave Kirby a fist bump as the scene faded back toward the Light Wing hallway—where Pit's new roommate troubles were just beginning.
Back with Pit
Ren stretched and put down his book. "Anyway, that's basically it. We're pretty chill."
Pit blinked. Chill?
He looked at his roommates again.
Sephiroth: A walking biblical disaster with a sword longer than Pit.
Ridley: Currently curled up like a giant murder-cat, snoring in a way that sounded like a spaceship coughing.
Ren: A literal phantom thief.
Snake: Hiding in a box on the floor like that was normal.
Pit swallowed. "S-So… what do you all do during the day?"
Sephiroth shrugged. "Light training. Meditation. Occasionally contemplating the metaphysical nature of the planet's soul."
Ren added, "School, heists, coffee. Morgana keeps texting me to 'go to sleep.' It's complicated."
Snake crawled halfway out of his box. "I usually spend the morning defusing bombs, sneaking through vents, or fighting genetically-modified clones. Nothing major."
Ridley twitched in his sleep and the wall shook like someone kicked a refrigerator.
Pit stared at all of them.
They stared back, completely calm.
Sephiroth actually smiled. Smiled.
"See? Perfectly normal."
Pit: internally screaming.
Next morning Pit walked through the hallways to the dining room but will Pit did not walk. He glided at Mach 2 to find the one source of safety and sanity he had left.
He burst into the dining room, eyes wide.
Palutena looked up from her book. "Pit? What happened?"
Pit dove into the nearest pile of soft girlfriends for refuge.
Pit (muffled in their arms):
"Roommates. My roommates are chaos elementals wearing people skins."
Viridi blinked. "What? They seemed fine during roll call."
Pit sat up dramatically.
"Viridi, Sephiroth has two emotions: calm… and ENDING THE WORLD. Snake sleeps in boxes like it's a religion. Ridley breathes fire in his sleep. And Ren's girlfriend sends death threats through emojis."
The girls exchanged looks.
Palutena smiled and pulled him close. "Aww, poor Pit. Come here."
Pit melted into their arms.
Pit: "See? This. This is sanity. This is heaven."
The girls cuddled closer.
Amazon Pandora gave him a wide grin, leaning in close. "Aww, come on, Pit. You've survived gods, monsters, apocalypses, and like… three separate rebellions. You can handle four roommates."
She pinched his cheek with a teasing sparkle in her eyes.
Palutena gently patted his head like he was a stressed-out puppy. "It's only one month. You'll be fine. Probably."
Pit stared at his four wives, traumatized by everything he had just witnessed. "I know, but seriously—live in my shoes for one day and see if you survive."
The girls all quietly averted their eyes.
Pit blinked. "…Why are you all looking away?"
Palutena coughed. Hard. "Well, um, my roommate is Zelda. In the Mage Wing."
Viridi grumbled. "And my roommate is someone you've probably never heard of. Some noodle-armed menace from the Fire Wing. Min Min."
Pit tilted his head. "Who?"
Phosphora placed a hand on his shoulder. "Pray you never find out."
Amazon Pandora raised a hand proudly. "My roommate is in the Villain Wing. They're a bit chaotic, but honestly? Pretty cool."
Pit stared at all four of them with the face of a man who had just realized he was, in fact, the only one living a normal life.
"...So I get Sephiroth, Joker, Ridley, and a dude who sleeps in a box… and you all get magical princesses, lightning gremlins, and weirdly charismatic villains?"
The girls slowly nodded.
Pit sighed, wings drooping. "I am going to die."
They immediately pulled him into a cuddle pile.
Palutena smiled sweetly. "No you won't, Pit. If you die, we'll kill everyone in that room until you come back."
Viridi nodded. "Especially Sephiroth."
Amazon Pandora: "Especially Sephiroth."
Phosphora: "Ridley too. He knows what he did."
Pit felt their arms tighten around him.
"…This is why I married you guys."
Then they all froze when they heard someone politely clear his throat.
A young man with wavy blond hair and calm blue eyes stood in the doorway, wearing his red vest and looking like he'd just walked into the world's weirdest soap opera.
[Insert image of Shulk]
Shulk—pink-faced, awkward, holding a plate like a shield—gave them a weak smile.
"As much as I really don't want to interrupt… whatever this is," he said carefully, glancing at Pit surrounded by four goddesses clinging to him like emotional support blankets, "I should remind everyone that this is supposed to be a dining room."
He lifted the plate slightly, as if offering evidence.
"…Which means some of us are trying to get breakfast before the Monado tells me the future of an empty stomach."
Without waiting for a response, he shuffled past them with the tired confidence of someone who has lived among Smashers for years and has seen much, much worse.
He approached the buffet table—stacked with pancakes, fruit, eggs, whatever Kirby hadn't inhaled yet—and began serving himself like this was just another Tuesday.
Behind him, Pit blinked, still very much traumatized from the roommate reveal.
Pit: "Why does he sound so calm…?"
Shulk (from the buffet): "Mate, I shared a room with Reyn for three years. Nothing scares me anymore."
Palutena burst out laughing. Viridi snorted. Pandora slapped the table.
Pit stared at Shulk like he'd just met a war veteran.
Pit looked at Shulk as he spoke. "Um… it's a bit rude, but who are you?"
Shulk paused mid-reach, a pancake on his fork. "Really? You don't know me?"
He didn't sound offended—more genuinely surprised. Then he gave a small laugh. "Well, I guess with all the universes around here, that's bound to happen. Just know I've done some… very impressive things."
Palutena tilted her head, equally lost. "Such as…?"
Shulk smirked and wagged a finger. "Ohoho, now that would be telling. A fighter never explains his entire skill set—especially not when there's a tournament in a few hours."
He slid past them with his plate, walking toward a wing-headed girl and a brunette already seated at another table.
Viridi leaned in and whispered, "Who the Underworld was that?"
Palutena shrugged. "No idea. But he looks like the type who explains metaphysics for fun."
Pit blinked. "So… he's smart?"
Palutena shook her head. "No. Worse. He's prophecy smart."
Pit shuddered. "I've had enough of prophets for one eternity…"
Palutena looked at Shulk with a soft smile. "Now Shulk, come on. No matter how chaotic your roommates are, they can't be that bad."
…The universe heard her.
And immediately decided to disprove her.
Because right at that moment, Sephiroth casually glided through the dining hall doorway — not walked, glided — holding a delicate teacup between two fingers like it was the most normal thing in existence.
On his shoulder sat Pichu.
Pichu.
A tiny, happy electric mouse riding the One-Winged Angel like a child on a babysitter's back.
Everyone froze.
Sephiroth gracefully floated past them, completely silent, sipping his tea.
Pichu waved.
Palutena slowly turned toward Pit with a pale expression.
"…Please tell me that wasn't one of your roommates."
Pit just deadpanned at her. "He is.
And Lady Palutena… you were so wrong."
Palutena didn't argue.
She didn't deny it.
She didn't even try to defend her pride.
She simply cupped Pit's cheeks, leaned in—
—and kissed his forehead in apology.
"I'm so sorry, Pit."
Pit nodded like a soldier who had seen too much. "Yeah… thank you."
After that each of the girls grabbed there plates took breakfast from the Buffet table and came the chaos Chaos of who will seat next to pit left and right side.
Pit was used to this, after all this happened many time before.
The other fight they weren't.
Palutena, Viridi, Phosphora, and Amazon Pandora each grabbed their plates. Breakfast at the Smash House looked peaceful from a distance—buffet tables, coffee, pancakes, fruit, everything calm and normal.
Then came the war.
The moment Pit sat down, four trails of light shot across the dining room.
CHAIR BATTLE: ROUND 1
Palutena slid into the seat on his right with goddess-level speed and a radiant smile.
Viridi slammed herself into the left seat so fast the chair screeched across the marble. "Dibs. Early goddess rules."
Phosphora spark-zipped into the seat across from Pit. "Front seat privileges! I'm the lightning girl, I get priority!"
Amazon Pandora casually teleported behind Pit and wrapped her arms around him from the back of the chair like a smug villain cat. "I'm sitting here. I'm the backrest."
Pit didn't even flinch. He calmly cut a sausage and blew on it.
It was Tuesday for him.
Everyone else in the dining hall stared like they were watching a rare wildlife documentary where one male animal is surrounded by four territorial apex predators.
Ridley dropped his coffee.
Fox paused mid-bite.
Samus leaned in toward Link. "Should we… help him?"
Link shook his head immediately. "No. No, no, no. That's domestic goddess business. You stay out unless you enjoy divine smiting."
Pit just smiled and took a bite of his breakfast like this was the most normal thing in the universe.
Because for him?
It was.
He'd lived through angelic rebellions, fought monsters older than civilizations, and survived living with Palutena pre-paper-invention era.
He could survive breakfast with his harem.
He glanced at his four wives, all glaring at each other like cats fighting over a sunny window spot, and sighed internally:
'Yep. This is normal.'
Then he felt a kiss land on his cheek—from which goddess he didn't know. They moved too fast for mortals or cameras.
Ren leaned over to Sephiroth. "Is this… normal for them?"
Sephiroth sipped his tea with Pichu still on his shoulder. "I assume so."
Palutena cupped Pit's face gently. "Are you alright, Pit?"
Pit smiled with full sincerity. "This is heaven."
And all four immediately softened and melted around him like warm butter.
To be continued
Hope people like this ch and give me power stones and enjoy