The Hokage's office smelled like old paper, high-grade sake, and the distinct, ozone-tinged scent of a woman who was actively suppressing the urge to punch a hole in her desk.
Tsunade-sama was doing the teeth grind. I could hear it from the doorway—a low, rhythmic skritch-skritch of enamel on enamel.
"It is," Tsunade said, her voice tight, "a very delicate diplomatic situation."
"It sounds like a scam," Naruto said loudly. He was leaning forward, hands planted on her desk, invading her personal space with zero survival instinct.
"It is not a scam!" Tsunade snapped. She slapped a file folder onto the desk. Dust motes danced in the afternoon sun. "Fūta Kagetsu is an... associate. A prominent businessman."
"You mean a gambling buddy," I supplied helpfully from the back, adjusting my glasses.
Tsunade shot me a look that could have curdled milk. She coughed, a fake, theatrical sound. "He has to attend his father's funeral in Motoyoshi Village. The terms of the will are specific: if he laughs, even once, during the ceremony, he forfeits the entire inheritance. He needs bodyguards to ensure no one sabotages him."
"Of course it's a real mission," she growled, rubbing her temples. "It's a C-rank mission. The pay is good. The food will be excellent. Now get out of my sight."
She paused, looking at our team composition. "Shino Aburame is free. He will accompany you."
Naruto groaned, throwing his head back so far I thought his neck might snap. "Aww, the bug guy? He's so boring! He never laughs at my jokes!"
Naruto crossed his arms and did the pout—the one where he puffs his cheeks out until he looks like a disgruntled chipmunk.
I nudged him with my elbow. "That's because your jokes are basic, Naruto."
Naruto pushed me back, nearly knocking me into a stack of scrolls. "Whattaya mean basic?!"
He paused, his blue eyes widening with genuine confusion. "No, really. What does that mean? Is that an insult? It sounds like an insult."
Tsunade snorted. Then, despite her hangover, she laughed. It was a short, sharp bark of amusement.
"Get out," she ordered, waving a hand. "Before I make it a B-rank and send you to the swamp."
The road to Motoyoshi Village was dusty, long, and boring.
Naruto plucked at the collar of his funeral suit. It was stiff, black, and itchy. It smelled like mothballs and repression. He hated it.
"Stop fidgeting," Sylvie sighed. She was walking beside him, looking weirdly comfortable in her black formal wear. "You're going to wrinkle it."
"It's trying to strangle me!" Naruto complained. "Why can't I just wear my jacket? Orange is a very respectful color!"
"Orange is for traffic cones and you," Shino said from behind them. His voice was a flat, monotone drone. He was wearing his usual high collar, sunglasses, and hood, but he had added a black tie over his coat. It was the least amount of effort possible, and Naruto respected it.
Just outside the village gate, the path narrowed. A figure was walking toward them—a hunched, elderly woman with wild gray hair and layers of thick, ragged clothing. She leaned heavily on a cane, mumbling to herself.
As they passed, she stopped. She looked up, her eyes sharp and glittering.
"Turn back," she rasped. "The laughter... it kills..."
Naruto blinked. "Oookay... thanks, obasan. We'll be careful."
He kept walking. Old people were weird.
Beside him, Sylvie paused. She looked back at the old woman. Naruto saw her eyes narrow behind her glasses. She tilted her head, scanning the "woman's" jawline, the width of the shoulders under the rags, the way the "cane" was being held more like a weapon than a support.
Internal Monologue (Sylvie): That's a man. And not like... Haku. That's a costume. That's drag. Bad drag.
She opened her mouth to say something, then shook her head. "Never mind. Let's get to the food."
The funeral home was huge. It was a traditional compound with paper walls and manicured gardens. They met the client, Fūta—a fat, nervous man who was already sweating through his silk robes—and his sister, Tsukiko.
Tsukiko smiled too much. It was a shark smile.
"So glad you could make it, brother," she chirped. "I've prepared a lovely eulogy. It's going to be... killer."
Naruto ignored the tension. He had spotted the buffet table. There were trays of sushi, dango, and tempura.
He reached for a shrimp.
Smack.
Sylvie slapped his hand away. "After the job, Naruto."
"But it's cold tempura!" Naruto whined. "It's gonna get soggy!"
"Discipline," Shino murmured, standing perfectly still like a coat rack with sunglasses. "The mission is to prevent laughter. Food is a distraction."
Naruto grumbled, crossing his arms. "I bet you're fun at parties, Shino."
"I am efficiently social," Shino replied.
The funeral was a disaster waiting to happen.
The incense smoke was thick, burning my throat. The room was packed with mourners, all kneeling on tatami mats. At the front, near the altar and the coffin, Fūta was sweating bullets.
Tsukiko stood up to give the eulogy.
"Our father," she began, her voice trembling with fake emotion, "was a man of... grave importance."
She looked at Fūta. He bit his lip.
"He always said, 'Tsukiko, life is like a coffin. It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in!'"
It was a terrible pun. Fūta turned purple trying to hold it in.
Midway through the speech, Tsukiko realized the bad jokes weren't working. Her eyes hardened. She reached into her sleeve.
I saw the glint of metal.
"Naruto!" I hissed.
Tsukiko shouted, "Brother! Stand and accept our father's love!"
She gestured for everyone to clap. Fūta stood up, confused. The applause covered the sound of the thwip.
Tsukiko fired a senbon from her sleeve. It was aimed directly at Fūta's neck.
But at the last second, Fūta leaned down to help a little old lady stand up.
The dart sailed past him. It flew over the heads of the mourners.
It hit Shino.
It struck him right in the neck, just above his collar.
Shino froze.
Internal Monologue (Shino): Analysis. Toxin detected. Aburame clan training dictates high resistance to paralytics, neurotoxins, and lethal poisons. My antibodies are engaging.
System Error: Toxin is... not lethal. Toxin is a dopamine-serotonin inhibitor overload.
Result: I have never trained for a tickle fight.
Shino's shoulders started to shake.
"Shino?" Naruto whispered.
"Hee," Shino squeaked.
It was a terrifying sound.
Then, Shino exploded.
"PFFFT—AHAHAHAHAHA! OH MY GOD! BUGS! BUGS ARE SO FUNNY!"
Shino Aburame, the most stoic boy in Konoha, fell to his knees, clutching his stomach. He threw his head back and roared with laughter.
And because he was an Aburame, his bugs reacted.
The kikaichū inside him panicked. Their host was vibrating at a frequency they didn't recognize. Usually, Shino was a calm pond. Now he was a jacuzzi. Thousands of black beetles buzzed out of his sleeves and hood in a chaotic, swirling cloud, forming shapes that looked disturbingly like smiley faces.
"LOOK AT THEM!" Shino wheezed, pointing at his own confused insects. "THEY'RE DANCING! AHAHAHA!"
Tsukiko's face went pale. "Oh god. I broke the bug child."
The silence in the room shattered. Seeing the emotionless, dark, brooding ninja boy losing his mind was too much. It was infectious.
Naruto snickered. Then he guffawed.
Then Fūta started laughing.
Then the priest.
Within seconds, the entire funeral home was roaring. People were rolling on the floor. The executor of the estate walked up, slapping his knee, tears streaming down his face.
"YOU—PFFFT HAHAAA! YOU HAD THE SAME ARRANGEMENT HAHAA AS YOUR BROTHER! AAAAHAHAHAHA!"
He fell down, gasping for air.
Fūta wiped a tear from his eye, still chuckling, and slapped the coffin. "Nice try, sis."
Tsukiko was furious, but even she was giggling uncontrollably.
Suddenly, the coffin lid flew open.
"STOP IT! STOP LAUGHING!"
An old man sat up. It was Tōbei, the dead father. Except he wasn't dead. And standing next to him, shedding the "Old Woman" disguise I had seen earlier, was Mai, the granddaughter.
"Sorry brother, sorry sister..." Mai mumbled.
"Don't apologize to them!" Tōbei yelled, kicking the coffin lid. "She's a scam artist and he doesn't laugh!"
The room went silent.
Tōbei glared at his children. "I wanted to teach you a lesson! You're all obsessed with money! I even gave you the jokes, Tsukiko! The punniest puns! And you couldn't even get the timing right! Do it like this next time!"
He cleared his throat, looking ready to break into a musical number.
I grabbed Naruto and Shino by the collars. "We're leaving. Now."
The walk back to Konoha was quiet. Painfully quiet.
Shino adjusted his sunglasses. He pulled his collar up until it covered his nose. He could still feel the phantom sensation of laughter in his diaphragm, a ghost of the humiliation he had just endured.
Analysis: My reputation is compromised. Naruto Uzumaki has witnessed a total emotional collapse.
Variable: Sylvie. She is pragmatic. She will likely keep the secret for a price.
Variable: Naruto. He has no filter. He will tell everyone. Even the ramen guy.
Shino glanced at Naruto. The blonde boy was walking with his hands behind his head, occasionally letting out a snicker.
"Man," Naruto chuckled. "Bugs are so funny. I never knew."
Shino flinched. He had to stop this. He had to—
Suddenly, a rustle in the bushes.
A small, pug-faced dog wearing a Konoha forehead protector trotted onto the path. It looked at them with tired, droopy eyes.
Naruto froze. His eyes went wide.
"WHOA!" Naruto screamed. "LOOK AT THAT DOG'S FACE! IT'S SO SQUISHY!"
"DOGGY!" Sylvie shouted, immediately abandoning her cool persona.
Shino blinked. He recognized the summon. It was Pakkun. But right now, it was a lifeline.
Shino wiped a tear of relief—or perhaps shame—from beneath his glasses.
"Go," Shino said, injecting grave urgency into his voice. "Catch it. Please. It could be... a spy."
Naruto gasped. "WHOA! WEIRD-SPY-DOG! HEY, GET BACK HERE!"
Naruto took off like a shot, sprinting into the woods after the pug.
"HEY! BUDDY SYSTEM!" Sylvie yelled, chasing after him.
They vanished into the trees.
Shino stood alone on the road.
The silence was beautiful.
"Oh, hello Shino-kun."
Shino froze. He turned his head slowly.
Kakashi Hatake stepped out of the bushes on the opposite side of the road. He was walking leisurely, his single visible eye glued to the pages of Icha Icha Paradise. He didn't look up.
"Have you seen Pakkun?" Kakashi asked casually. "He wandered off while I was reading the good part."
Shino stared at the Copy Ninja.
"No," Shino lied. "I saw nothing...did you?"
Kakashi, still not taking his eyes off the page, "Okay, thanks." He waves and walks off.
Shino exales.
'The gods are merciful.'