Did whatever I lived, the life and the moments with my Yuan Yuan, are all just because of this condition of mine? I asked myself.
Did you and I never meet?
Am I not your silly girl?
Are you not my Margherita pizza?
And what about our little stubborn troublemaker, our Chen Shiyuan?
She needs both of us for her future, and she has just got admission to her school. On Monday there will be her first day at school. She really needs us.
And where are you, Yuan Yuan?
Your silly girl needs you.
Your silly girl is calling you.
I am devastated.
I need you, Yuan.
I need you.
Come and hold me.
Hold me the way you always did.
Hold me just like you are never going to lose me.
Please, Yuan.
Please.
I said it to myself.
Then I overheard the conversation between Ma and Doctor Hu. Their voices were loud enough that they didn't even realize that I was able to hear them inside my room.
But I heard it when Ma said to Doctor Hu,
"Doctor Hu, I never thought that when she didn't tell me the truth about her maths test and when I scolded her that day, I didn't even know that she took it too much to her heart. That she would take it to her heart and go into this deep unconscious state of mind, or sleep, whatever you doctors call it in your medical terms.
I still blame myself for that day, for why I went too far with her when I knew that she has been so sensitive since her childhood.
Even small things and loud voices affect her.
How could I not know that being her Ma?
I failed her every day, and more and more in all these six years.
I failed her."
"Mrs. Zhao, don't blame yourself. Zhao Shiza was seventeen at that time. She took everything to her heart so easily. She was too young.
There is nothing to blame yourself for.
You are a really good mother to her, I know it.
It's just fate that let that happen to her.
There is nothing to blame yourself for, Mrs. Zhao," Doctor Hu said to Ma.
"I'll call her Pa. He went to a business meeting in Shanghai. He must know that his daughter has finally woken up after six years. I must inform him," she said.
And then everything in my mind got cleared.
But who is going to understand my Mr. Heart's situation?
Who?
I asked myself while tears started rolling down from my eyes.
Now everything had cleared in my mind.
Now there was no what, when, and how left in me anymore.
The only thing left was why.
Why?
Why?
Why was that life my dream?
Why can't that be true?
Tell me, God, am I that bad that I didn't deserve him?
And if that's so, then you made me fall asleep for six years in a condition where I was able to live the life I always craved with him.
Is it just because you knew that you were never going to give me him, so you did that so that at least in my dream I could have him, which seemed real to me?
All those six years, every day and every passing second, I breathed him.
I lived him.
And now suddenly I came to know that it was all just my dream.
Tell me, can dreams feel that real?
And if that's so, then I want to sleep more.
Throughout my whole life, I want to sleep more.
And then I went back to the bed and closed my eyes and tried to sleep again, thinking that I might go back to that life.
But unfortunately, I wasn't able to.
I got up from the bed and said to God,
"Look, now I am not even able to go back to that life anymore.
Why did you give me temporary happiness if you really didn't want to give me real happiness?"
I said it while crying harder and harder with each passing second.
And Mr. Heart, you never get aligned with the brain, right?
Then why did your alignment with the brain go so well this time?
I asked my Mr. Heart.
"Even you betrayed me," I said to it.
Then I wiped up my tears with both of my hands and said,
"Zhao Shiza and Xu Yuan were never meant for each other.
I don't know why, but they are not.
And I am the one who can only make myself understand it."
And then I smiled through my tears and said,
How could I forget what my Yuan Yuan always said?
That no matter what, we always need to cherish our present.
I cherished all these six years of my dreams that I lived with him.
Even if they were just my dreams, still at least I was able to live them as something more real than I ever imagined.
At least in my dreams, you were mine when not in reality.
Loving someone causes us to lose something, and in my dreams I lost my family, my Ma, who was not there.
But the only thing I am thankful about after coming back from my dreams is that Ma is in front of my eyes, whereas in my dreams she left me.
This is the only thing I love in my reality after coming back from my dreams.
Here my family is happy, just like it always was.
But here Yuan is not here, and he'll never be here.
But in my dreams, Yuan Yuan was the only one I had with me throughout the whole dream.
I know, God, Yuan and I are not meant for each other.
We were never destined to be together.
He has his own path and I have my own, which are just so opposite to each other.
But you at least made me live my imagination through all these years.
I know sooner or later he'll get married to someone else, and I won't be able to survive that day.
I just pray to you that you keep that news hidden from me because I really won't be able to handle that.
I know, God, that because of my stubborn prayers, you gave me the life I craved in my dreams because in reality that can't be possible.
And I don't know why, but some things really don't have a why.
They are just meant to be like that only.
But I need to be thankful to you, right?
That at least in my dreams you gave me the life with him which felt more real than my real life.
It seems like I have already lived a life with him where we went through the boyfriend and girlfriend phase, then husband and wife, and then as parents of our Chen Shiyuan, who is never going to arrive because Yuan Yuan and I are never going to be the one.
Never.
I said.
But you really made all my imaginations come true, the ones that I always imagined.
I am thankful for that.
But now, when I have already lived a life with him, I don't want another life to live those memories with him.
The life I created there in my dreams with him is more than enough for me to live throughout my whole life.
I said to myself.
And then suddenly I thought that if six years had passed away, then he must be twenty-nine years old right now.
I said to myself.
And then I said,
The pain of you never being mine will always stay in my Mr. Heart forever with me, and I love to carry that pain in me forever.
I know there are lots of distances and differences between us.
I know I am not meant for you and you are never meant for me.
But I still love you.
I still worship you.
I know there is no way for me to reach you in any way, not even in the future.
But still I'll be thankful for whatever I have.
I am thankful that you became a C-drama actor where I saw you.
Otherwise, I would never have been able to know that such a beautiful soul like my Yuan Yuan still exists in this world.
Just don't let this world shatter the beautiful soul of my Yuan Yuan.
I miss you.
I really miss being with you.
But I cherished, and I'll cherish, all those moments of me being with you.
You called me an extraordinary fan girl of yours, but look, I am really not.
I am just an ordinary one among those billions of fans of yours.
I am neither extraordinary nor some special fan girl of yours.
I am just an ordinary fan girl of yours who lost herself among those billions of fans of yours, from where you'll never be able to see me.
Never.
I repeated it again and again just to make my own self understand this harsh reality of my life that hit me too hard, that shattered my whole world, and then...