* **-
"The tapestries need dusting and the tutor requests' a raise. There is also a state at the stables, one of the stallion has fallen ill and would require veterinary attention. Then there are the young miss' playdates unrequited requests for snacks that were…more suitable for their palate as they say"
"Why? They didn't like the snacks the chef have provided?"
"They say it wasn't as sweet as they liked, Your Grace"
"Well of course, it was made for my daughter's taste not theirs"
"Which seems to be the problem", Jhon nodded as he puts away some of the mess in my office.
I sighed, flipping through the files in my accounting. It is this early in the afternoon and I had just awoken but I am already bombarded with tax to fill. Not to mention other responsibilities. I barely have enough money to buy myself some booze.That much is expected when I am raising a child, after all. Having this throbbing headache of mine since the early morning isn't helping either.
Sigh.
A sigh of guilt, a heavy sigh I relieved as I looked out the window of my office but when I looked down I was faced with a pair of eyes already staring at me. Her glaring orbs shine through the sharp light of the afternoon sun. She is just standing there, a distance away from her supposed playdates whom she is supposed to be playing with but as it turns out they're busy with themselves and ignoring the lonesomeness of my daughter. She had a broken doll in hand and her head dress untidy, she looks to be demanding something but wasn't saying anything.
"She had been like that for a while, your Grace", I looked away as Jhon commented and from my peripheral vision, I could see that Nicaise went back inside the house.
"What's the matter with her now?", I flipped through yet another file.
"She looks to be heavily displeased"
"Of what?"
"Her playmates", Jhon looked at the other children outside.
I looked out as well. They are all children of nobles that are of similar stature to us. I thought that I may introduce Nicaise to them so she could learn from them about how noble children behave and have her acquainted with some of the aristocracy so she may be introduced to their world. It is best that she is exposed to them this early on.
"This is only the third day, I'm sure she'll come to like them"
"I highly doubt that, Your Grace", I heard Jhon snickered.
"How so?"
"You should know your daughter better than I do"
"And you're implying?", I put down the paper I had in hand and faced Jhon.
"Although, I agree that this is for her benefit but I don't think this is the best approach. The young miss is still adjusting to this new lifestyle after all, it is much too early for her. And she doesn't necessarily have a good record of relation with other children", he reasoned. Recalling back to the history record we gathered from her orphanage.
"Which is why she should learn. Gak and the others also agrees with me on this. I think it's for the best", I sighed and tried to focus on my task.
"Parenting is already hard enough Jhon, I don't need more judgement out of it", I mumbled.
"Of course, Your Grace"
"Now if you'd please, go and check on Nicaise. See to her needs"
"As you wish", Jhon bowed and finally left the room.
I pulled out a flask of liquor from under my desk and drank from it. It didn't even take me a few more sips before it emptied and when I pulled for another, I found that all of the flasks I had hid are empty so I leaned down and saw that it was filled with nothing but used flasks, my nose only welcoming the smell of alcohol. I pulled on the other cabinet under it and this one is full of empty bottles. This is supposed to be an office desk yet now it's no difference to that of a bar cabinet. I sighed and coped my whole face, trying to stay awake before I went back to flipping papers. I did so until I stumbled upon Nicaise's adoption paper, her official certificate. I looked down at the empty blank where my signature is supposed to be. Sure, I wrote my name on it but it still needs my signature and seal to be a proper certificate. I've already signed and made her birth certificate and the testament for court but not this. I've been calling her my daughter but I haven't even made it official yet, what a hypocrite I am.
I picked her because I felt a sort of interest to this child no matter how polar opposites we actually are. Curiosity, maybe? But even more than being fascinated by her, it also made me wary. This child just seems so unnatural. She may respond to conversation like normal people do but she feels unresponsive. When I look at her, I am further more reminded of how miserable I am. Her judging eyes, always staring at your soul. What sort of hell must she have went through for her to be so unfazed?
I sighed. There is still a lot of files left for me to do but I'll do them later.
As if I kept to my words, later turned to days and endless nagging from Jhon before I groggily managed to do them again in order to shut him up. I yet awoke from a nap when Gak rang a bell directly before my ears to jolt me awake which caused a strain on my back. I groaned as I stretched my joints while this old maid just simply rolled her eyes and threw a robe at me.
"Just put on some damn clothes you old hag", she insults and went on to preparing my morning tea before handing it to me.
"Gak, I need a vacation", I yawned.
"As if you deserve one when all you do is lounge around all day"
"You have no say in that, I'll do whatever I want. Look after Nicaise for me, I'll only be out for a couple of days"
"There is no other head responsible or old enough for duties of the household so you cannot leave, especially with guests over" , Gak reasoned as she tied my robe as I got up.
As we walked down the hall, I spotted the kids running in the corridor but no sign of Nicaise. I looked around but didn't mind it, she's probably keeping to herself again even though it's been quite a while since she's had these playdates whom she should be playing with by now. Gak escorted me to the dining hall to make sure I don't skip lunch again. The maids served me food and I had no choice but to eat it even though the taste was bitter in my mouth because of the after taste of alcohol that lingered from my splurge . The dining hall is disgustingly spacious and quite and all I could hear were the clacking of my fork and knife on the plate and the eerie sound of strangers' children laughing and shouting in the distance. It all felt burdensome.
"I shall ask for the young Miss to join you", Gak proposed but I quickly lifted my hand to stop her as I swallow.
"That won't be necessary", I hurriedly ordered. I don't know, but her requests ensued a sort of panic inside of me.
"Hmp. You've been avoiding her a lot. The poor child can't even dine with her own mother even if she wanted to", Gak is just whining and lecturing me as she always does to which I'd usually ignore her but this time, I found my hands froze in place with what she said.
"She's requested that?"
"As I've told you yesterday, she has been for the last few weeks", Gak nagged and held her head high, she is dismayed by my parenting as she openly admits with her behavior.
"Someday Gak but…not right now", I mumbled but she heard me and she sighed, only then finally relaxing her shoulders.
"Well then, I'll get back to my work", then she left the room.
I stared at the steak in front of me. Medium rare, with a few hints of blood, cooked but still obviously meat.
'Not right now Gak, not after what I made her do'
I threw the steak away and broke the plate, the utensils clang and scattered.
I don't think I can face her. I don't want to face her.
I don't know what overcame me that day to threaten her and force her to do that. It can't be because I was too drunk. I can't be passing down a burning torch of sick rituals unto the next generation heir. But she wasn't fazed at all or at least her eyes never showed it. Her body may quiver from nervousness but her eyes looks at you as if it accepts all reasoning of madness, even dare I say, challenging it. I hated how she was so confident in trusting me. I despised the look she gave me after eating that thing as if she's still seeking for my approval even after what I put her through instead of glaring at me with hatred.
'A child should never have experienced that, a parent should never have done something like that'.
I sighed when I recalled what my husband once said. "What is wrong with me?"
But just before I could compose myself, Rika comes rushing through the door seeking for me. She need not to say a word before her expression gave her away and I knew then what she is meant to say.
"Your Grace, the young Miss--",she didn't get to finish her sentence before I already walked out of the door.
It didn't take long for me to know what was going on, it already showed. Walking past Fina and Gora who is now rushing over a crying child with a heavily wounded hand to the room where I could hear more crying. There, I found Nicaise in the middle of an act of nearly stabbing another kid's eye. When I burst through the door, I caught her in her temper, her blaring amber eyes quickly shifting to me as she froze in place while the other kid trembles in fear. The rest that weren't her victims had ran out of the door, all crying. And thanks to my disturbance, Jhon quickly picked her up away from the boy who she almost stabbed as he escaped outside.
I could not believe what she had done and why she did it. Multiple questions and nagging popped up in my head but my biggest worry is how she still looks unconcerned even after what she had just done. And all I could do was glare at her in silence, staring into each others eyes for a long minute before ordering John to send her away.
"You are grounded…for a week, young lady. Take her to her room", I blared as I pointed at her.
She didn't say a thing, just glaring back at me. John nagged her as he carried her away. As I rested my hands on my waist and tried to grasp the situation her cold expression haunted me, I've seen that kind of look before and it was from a soldier who had been heavily scarred in the war I once fought. His eyes lifeless but determined for revenge. Should a child be found as wary? What kind of life must she have lived in that god damned orphanage.