More weeks passed since the punishment and it has been awkward between my mother and I since then. She's tried to approach me but then would eventually avoid me, it had further strained our relationship. I couldn't care any less because I also now have developed fear of her. Because of which, I've avoided going to places where we might encounter each other and I have been locking myself up in my room or library. It only made me devote myself into my studies.
No one knows of what happened that day between her and I and what prompted her to make Nicaise do it. Whatever the reason was, I do not need to know. It was more peaceful that way and for a while I had made peace with it until the day has come when I have finally lost it in playing contracted familial with the duchess under such conditions. For today, my access to snacks for my afternoon tea has been cut, especially the strawberry vanilla cakes.
When I found out, I broke a tea cup for the first time despite my reputation of having good graceful manners in my ettiqutte class. Eating was a way for me to cope with the incident. She must not have even known how I couldn't even stomach food for weeks before it became comfortable enough for me to eat again. And the cakes were what I could eat most. So, imagine how much hunger I had to endure before then, it had turned me into a picky eater.
"That looks chewy", I complained while they served a glutinous looking desert in front of me.
Fina sighed as she fixed my plate. "I assure you, it is not, my lady. It would simply melt in your mouth", she smiled and offered me a spoonful of it.
"We are low on supplies this week…again, unfortunately. So this will have to do for now"
I hesitated to eat it but I did anyway before her hands tire. And just as I expected, I could not like it despite it tasting well. Every time I would open my mouth the sight of the old duchess drinking blood and the taste of that organ replays in my head. In the end, despite the courage I mustered, I could not take it and spit out the food into the napkin before I threw up again and drank jasmine tea instead since it helps with the nausea.
"Oh my, are you really alright, my lady? This has been going on for quite a while now, I think we should get you checked", Fina immediately came behind me and rubbed my back.
At this point, my appetite is hindering me from being progressive so I am not even going to argue with her.
"Y-yes, please", I winched as I felt my stomach strained.
We could barely even afford any riches now since we have the additional servants to pay. It is because of the old hag's alcoholism that we're short on our fortunes, everytime. 5 crates of liquor turned to 10 being delivered. I don't think we can even afford for me to get a check up but my gut health will continue to decline if I don't do anything about it and it will put my progress in jeopardy. I cannot risk that.
Clenching my fist, feeling defeated, I decided that I must do something about it before my health gets any worse. So, after I finished with brunch I bravely marched into my grandmother's room where I find her lazying on the couch and reeking of booze. It is only early in the afternoon but there are already 8 bottles of liquor scattered on the floor, this feels too familiar. I covered my nose from the smell as I went beside her.
"Grandmother, since you didn't join me in today's brunch. I wondered if you had already eaten? It's getting late for a proper meal", while I am trying my best not to breath in the horrible air, she simply ignored me and continued to stare at the ceiling.
"We haven't enjoyed a meal together these days, is something the matter?"
".…out", her lips moved for a quite whisper while her empty gaze remained staring into nothingness so leaned in closer when I couldn't hear what she said.
"Pardon?"
*CRASH!*
"I said get out!"
I was taken aback by how she suddenly screamed and though I didn't react, when I saw her grab a bottle and swung it into my direction, only then had I realized that I have cowered myself into a protective position when she jumped into a sit and throw a bottle at me which luckily hit the table behind me instead of my head. Now, the memory of my father and her screams are overlapping in my head. It is as if the man himself is in this room with me back from the dead, with that disgusting look on his face.
"Get out!"
"Get the hell out!"
For a moment, I found myself frozen in place. As I slowly looked back at her, my heart began to pound harder and my breathing phased harsher.
"I don't have a child! Let alone a daughter like you!"
I started to feel hot sweat arising from my back and forehead. While she raised her other hand, another bottle in tow, suddenly when I looked at her it wasn't her face I saw anymore and my stomach turned hollow.
"You look nothing like him!"
*CRASH!*
In that instance, she threw another bottle right at my feet and it shattered. I cared not at why she was doing that to me but of the fact that I saw the memory of my father in her so vividly.
'What the hell was that?'
'Why am I suddenly being reminded of that asshole'
I'm shaking.
*CRASH!*
"Oh my lords!"
"Your grace!"
"My lady!"
I felt my head in a daze, caught up in my troubling thoughts that I didn't even notice the arrival of Fina and the others as they restrained the duchess, only this time it's away from me.
"Let's get you to safety, My lady", Fina panted as she carried me in her arms and rushed out the door.
"Are you hurt anywhere?"
"Please tell us"
Rika and Gora assisted us and instantly checked if I was hurt the moment I was put down I felt my knees weaken as I looked back once more at the duchess' rampage, I could still heavily see my father in her. With this sudden haunting I felt, I pushed away their caring hands and ran away. Running with my body to wherever felt is the safest. Silly, how I was only going to ask for cake but I was reminded of my father instead.
That was totally uncalled for. I expected her to react harshly and I was prepared because I could handle it but the moment I saw her raise that bottle, I was suddenly terrified.
'What the fuck was that?! So embarrassing', infuriated with myself, I could feel my eyes get warm from the complicated emotions my child heart was feeling as I waltzed out of the main door.
….
I found myself awakened from a nap behind the stables. It was beginning to feel too cold for me to handle that I jolted awake. I don't even recall coming here but it just felt safer.
I sniffed the snot in my nose looking up at the snowy sky but then, I suddenly felt irritated. The 7th is watching, so he must have seen the whole thing. I picked up a ball of snow and throw it in the air.
'He's probably laughing at me right now'
I knew the kind of character the duchess is and therefore expect everything good and bad from it. I am my own character despite my roles yet why was I affected by something that happened to Lupa? I've experienced worse things, many things before but it---…Right, those were all the things from my past lives. All I have is the distant memories of it, not what is currently in my present. So even though I've lived and died from countless more, there will always be a sense of dés vu with every body that I get. After all, the body must feel the experience, and right now, I am a child so I am experiencing everything as a child.
The past may linger in the present but the present does not fall back to it. I chose to feel inner worldly, forever lost in my conquest for vengeance and never truly present in any of my lives which is why I was dismayed to be faced with the reality. Because I am always being watched I cannot fully immerse myself.
Lupa wasn't just a role, this body is originally her-- I am her. Whatever she experienced is what I chose to experience, I went through whatever she did. The same thing now goes for being Nicaise because I have taken up her position. I shouldn't think too much about comparing my originality to the two other of my personas because I am still both of them.
Sigh.
And after a while later of pondering with my thoughts in the cold snow, I heard footsteps approaching.
"This way, she's here", my ears perked when I hear the stableman's voice and came along with him were the older servants.
"There you are, my lady", I heard Jhon's heavy sigh of relief the moment he had spotted me.
"Thank goodness!", Fina exclaimed behind him.
"We've been looking all over for you", Jhon rushed over and gave me his coat.
"Why are you here, my lady, it's freezing out here", Fina crouched down and carried me in her arms.
"I'm running away from Mother, she's scaring me", I lied and stared at the sky.
While all of this is happening to me, I could almost hear the bastard god snickering.