"This is—?" Lucy tilted her head, eyeballing the card in Kana's hand like it was some shady street-corner knockoff.
"Eye of Truth card, baby!" Kana declared, puffing her chest out like she'd just invented fire. "Long-range enemy detection and magic-signature analysis! With this bad boy, we'll see Erza coming from a mile away and dodge her like she's the damn tax collector. No more accidental deathmatches with the queen of pain—guaranteed!"
Lucy practically melted with relief, clutching her heart. "Oh thank Mavis, yes please. I'd like to keep my spine in one piece this year."
She opened her mouth to ask how the hell the card actually worked, but Kana was already yanking her by the wrist and bulldozing through the crowd of contestants like a drunk rhino.
Levy spotted them instantly and puffed her cheeks out like an angry chipmunk. "Kana! You already snagged Lucy as your partner?! That's low, even for you!"
"Damn right I did!" Kana flipped her long brown hair like she was in a shampoo commercial, then somehow produced a bottle of booze from thin air and popped the cap with her thumb. "Lucy's Celestial Spirit Magic is busted—support, offense, scouting, the whole package. She's prime S-Class partner material. One second slower and someone else would've locked her down."
She flashed Levy a smug grin and waved the bottle like a victory flag.
"Sorry, Levy-chan…" Lucy gave an awkward little smile and rubbed the back of her neck. "Kana actually asked me a few days ago, so…"
Levy deflated like a sad balloon, flopping face-first onto the table and blowing her bangs out of her eyes. "It's fine, I guess… I wasn't even sure I'd make the cut this year anyway." She sighed dramatically. "I was really hoping Kagura could team up with me… otherwise I'm totally screwed."
Her gaze slid over to the table where Happy was standing on all fours, wings flapping, just as hyped as Natsu.
"Natsu's partner—"
"Aye! Obviously it's me!" Happy threw his paws up like he'd just won the lottery.
Lucy gave a tired "yep, checks out" nod, then glanced across at Gray, who was sitting there with his arms crossed and his usual "I'd rather be anywhere else" scowl.
"So Gray's partner—"
"Right here," came a smooth, smoky voice right behind her.
Lucy damn near jumped out of her skin and whipped around.
There stood Loke in his sharp black suit, flashing that playboy grin that could melt panties at fifty paces.
"Gray and I made plans ages ago," he said with a half-apologetic shrug. "So, sorry, Princess—mind releasing our contract just for the exam?"
Before Lucy could even blink, he added, "Relax, I'm running on my own magic this time. Won't drain you a drop, and it won't block you from summoning the others."
"W-Wait a second!" Lucy's eyes bugged out. "You can just… show up whenever you feel like it now?!"
Kana's jaw dropped so fast it nearly unhinged. "Hold the phone—Celestial Spirits can just pop into the human world on their own free will now? Without being summoned?"
"Eh… only a couple of them," Lucy muttered, rubbing her temples like she had a migraine coming. "Ever since my magic level shot up, the bond got stronger. Loke and a few others can force the gate open for short visits if they really want to."
"This is NOT the time to nerd out about spirit rules!" Elfman roared, dragging his hands through his spiky hair like he was trying to yank his stress out by the roots. "The real problem is those five monsters waiting on Tenrou Island! Especially Erza and my sister!"
Lucy blinked. "…Huh? Shouldn't Roger be the scariest one? Dude's basically a walking apocalypse."
Kana slammed her now-empty booze barrel on the table with a loud thunk and wiped her mouth. "Roger usually throws you into some fucked-up illusion hellscape. Tailor-made nightmares based on your max power level. Yeah, it's traumatizing and occasionally straight-up disgusting—" her eye twitched at some memory she clearly wanted to bleach from her brain—"but at least it tests everything: strength, brains, reflexes. You've got a fighting chance."
She dropped her voice to a haunted whisper. "Erza? Erza doesn't do 'holding back.' Girl hears 'sparring' and translates it to 'attempted murder.'"
Levy chimed in, "Gildarts and Laxus usually nerf themselves down to our level. They'll still kick our asses with pure skill, but if you go all-out balls-to-the-wall, there's a slim chance they'll give you a nod."
Gray groaned into his palms like his soul was leaving his body. "Mira's the worst though. She'll throttle her power too… but the woman's a sadistic gremlin. Fighting her feels like being the mouse while she bats you around for shits and giggles. Win or lose, you walk away needing therapy."
Lucy felt a full-body shiver crawl up her spine as every time Mira had ever smiled too sweetly flashed before her eyes. "Yeah… that sounds horrifying."
Her gaze drifted to Natsu—who was literally bouncing in place, tiny embers shooting out of his nose like an overexcited dragon.
A fat drop of sweat rolled down her temple. "This idiot looks like he's about to ask all five of them for a group beatdown."
Gray snorted. "That single-celled pyro isn't scared—he's probably jerking off in his head to the idea of fighting all five back-to-back."
Lucy stared at Natsu's bouncing pink hair, sighed so hard her ancestors felt it, and pressed her palms together. "Please, Mavis, just let us survive this exam in one piece…"
Time skip — Exam day, crack of dawn.
The five proctors (including Roger) had already parked their asses on Tenrou Island hours ago, setting up camp and laying traps like it was Christmas morning for sadists.
Everything was ready. Roger stood in front of seven identical cave entrances and clapped once, smirking like the smug bastard he was.
"Five caves lead to us S-Class psychos.
Two caves are free-for-all deathmatch zones where contestants can run into each other.
One cave is the 'shut up and sail straight to round two' silent route."
He glanced at the others with pure villain energy. "Wonder which poor bastards are gonna draw our short straws?"
Mira tapped her chin, eyes sparkling with evil glee. "I kinda hope I get Lucy~ It'd be so much fun to break her a little♡"
She paused. "Though I'm shocked Elfman teamed up with Evergreen. When did those two stop wanting to murder each other?"
Laxus shrugged. "Freed's with Bickslow, so Evergreen was the only Thunder Legion member left out. She probably guilt-tripped the big oaf into it."
He raised an eyebrow. "What I don't get is Lisanna partnering with Juvia. Those two barely talk."
Mira just smiled mysteriously. "Eh, their magic combos are actually nasty together. Lisanna probably sweet-talked her."
Gildarts cracked his knuckles. "Less gossip, more picking caves—the kids' boats are almost here."
They each claimed a cave. Roger picked the one marked "I" and vanished into the darkness.
Inside, the tunnel lit up with thousands of glowing fireflies—pretty as hell and twice as ominous. Roger strolled to the end, snapped his fingers, and a plush armchair popped into existence. He flopped down, kicked his feet up, and pulled an ice-cold drink out of thin air.
Then he flicked open his system panel like the cheating bastard he was.
[Name: Roger]
[Level: Dragon King class]
[Faith Points: 50,000]
[Magic Power: 120,000,000 / 120,000,000]
[Magic List: (a fuck-ton of broken shit, click to expand)]
[Skills: (also a fuck-ton, including full-level Disguise and Magic Concealment)]
"Finally cracked 100 million magic power the other day. System even upgraded my class to Dragon King."
He took a lazy sip. "Guess that puts me on the same raw power tier as Igneel and the other dragon dads… though my meat-body still ain't tanking planetary punches like they could."
His eyes narrowed on the new, slowly ticking number.
"Faith Points, huh… Showed up right after the Edolas trip. Either pretending to be a Chaos God actually started a cult, or hitting Dragon King tier just unlocks passive faith harvesting."
Two familiar voices echoed from the tunnel—nervous footsteps getting closer.
"Kana, you sure that Eye of Truth card isn't drunk? This path feels super sketchy…"
"Relax! It says the magic signature here is weaker than a goddamn slime. We're golden—just some trash mobs at most!"
"If there's actually a proctor waiting at the end, I'll bark like a dog!"
Roger's lips curled into the smuggest grin known to man.
A second later, Lucy and Kana poked their heads around the corner… and froze like deer in headlights.
Roger raised his glass in a lazy toast. "Yo, booze hound. Afternoon, pup."
Lucy's face did the slow-motion horror zoom as she turned to Kana and pointed a trembling finger at Roger. "That… that's your 'weak little monster'?!"
Kana's jaw hit the floor so hard it echoed. She manually snapped it shut and screeched, "No fucking WAY! The card said SLIME-LEVEL magic signature! How the hell did you drop your presence that low? Your magic pool is bigger than my old man's, you cheating bastard!"
Roger just shrugged, and the faint pressure he'd been radiating vanished completely—he felt like a literal firefly now.
"Fine enough control and any detection magic turns into a joke." He smirked. "Imagine I was actually hostile. You two would already be bleeding out on the floor before you even blinked."
His gaze slid to Kana. "Lesson one: never trust your tools one hundred percent. You flunked the paranoia check, little card shark."
Lucy instantly channeled Horologium's deadpan voice: "He says you failed."
Kana looked like her soul left her body. After a long, defeated moment she muttered, "…Woof fucking woof."
Should've double-checked the routes. Damn Natsu running his mouth about Erza the whole boat ride—got me all paranoid in the wrong direction!
Roger sipped his drink, clearly hearing every internal scream. "I can hear you cursing me out, by the way. Bad dog."
Lucy & Kana: "???"
Kana went ghost-white. "Wait—you've got Cobra's heart-reading bullshit now?!"
Roger's grin widened to shark levels. "Since you're both so cute when you're suffering… let's crank the difficulty up a notch♡"
Lucy & Kana: "EXCUSE ME?!"
Kana threw her hands up. "Fine, fine—we're screwed, we get it. Just tell us what fresh hell you've cooked up."
Roger leaned back, swirling his drink like a Bond villain.
"Zombie apocalypse illusion. Don't get bitten, don't get infected, wipe out every last undead in the scenario."
He flashed a cheerful thumbs-up.
"Try not to die too fast~"