Penny reappeared at their door, now dressed in a simple blouse and skirt, her hair combed neatly. She looked from Leonard, who was still hovering by the groceries with a dazed expression, to Sheldon, who was meticulously labeling a graph.
"Hey, so… sorry to ask again," she began, biting her lip. "But my TV is still at my ex Kurt's. It's just a few blocks away. He said if I want it, I gotta come get it today, and… I really don't want to go alone. Could you guys maybe…?"
Leonard's systems went from dazed to fully overclocked. He stood up so straight he nearly saluted. "Absolutely! Yes! Of course we can help! Right, Sheldon? It's the neighborly thing to do!"
Sheldon didn't look up from his graph. "Penny, we've already established the felonious nature of the theft. The optimal solution is still a police report, which would result in the lawful return of your property and potentially the incarceration of the thief, improving community safety metrics."
"But he said he'd only give it back if I came today," Penny pleaded, her eyes wide. "Please? It'll take twenty minutes. I just need, you know, a little moral support. And maybe someone to carry the 32-inch screen."
Leonard was already putting his shoes back on. "We're your guys! Sheldon, come on. It's helping a neighbor in need. It's… it's what friends do!"
Sheldon placed his pen down with a soft, precise click. He turned his head slowly to observe Leonard, whose face was a mask of heroic determination utterly divorced from the reality of confronting a bassist named Kurt.
"Leonard, your motivation is transparent and hormonally driven. Your judgment is compromised." He then looked at Penny. "Your proposed method is emotionally cathartic but logistically sub-optimal and carries a non-zero risk of physical altercation."
"So… is that a no?" Penny asked, her shoulders slumping.
Sheldon let out a long-suffering sigh, the sound of a vast intelligence being dragged into a swamp of petty human drama. He stood, his movements economical.
"It is a recognition that allowing the two of you to undertake this mission alone would be an exercise in poor risk assessment. Leonard would attempt to assert a dominance he does not possess, resulting in humiliation or injury. You, Penny, would likely escalate the situation through emotionally charged rhetoric."
He walked to the hall closet and retrieved his keys. "Therefore, I will accompany you to ensure the retrieval operation to ensure that Leonard doesn't get bullied into losing his pants. We will take my Locomotion Module. It has superior cargo capacity to Leonard's."
Penny beamed. "Oh, thank you, Sheldon!"
Leonard looked slightly deflated that his moment of heroism now had a supervisor, but the prospect of a car ride with Penny overruled it. "Great! Let's go!"
Sheldon paused at the threshold, turning back to his desk. He picked up his cell phone and slipped it into his pocket. "I am pre-dialing 9-1-1. I will only need to press 'call' if the situation devolves. Let that be our baseline expectation for Kurt's intellect and civility."
As they filed out, Leonard chattering nervously to Penny, Sheldon locked the door behind them with a firm, final click. He shook his head once, a minute gesture of exasperation. The lecture on Bose-Einstein Condensates would have to wait. The universe, it seemed, was insisting he deal with a far more chaotic and less predictable condensate first: the tangled lives of the people now inexplicably in his orbit.
September 24th, 2007 – 3:48 PM
The duplex off Colorado Boulevard was exactly the kind of chaotic, low-efficiency environment Sheldon's protocols were designed to avoid. The air thrummed with residual bass and smelled of neglected trash. Kurt, the bassist, filled the doorway, shirtless and smirking.
"Penny. Back for more?" His leer was performative, aimed at an audience of one: himself. He noticed Leonard hovering behind her. "Brought a bodyguard? Cute."
Leonard stepped forward, courage manufactured from pure adrenaline. "We're here for Penny's television. You're going to give it to us." His voice breaking at the end from nervousness.
Kurt's laugh was a short bark. He looked Leonard up and down with theatrical pity, then gave him a sharp, two-handed shove. Leonard stumbled back into the wall.
"Or what, buddy? You gonna cry about it?"
"Stop it!" Penny yelled, but her anger was tinged with familiar helplessness.
Sheldon had been silent, but physically attacking Leonard was enough to break his silence.
"The television," Sheldon stated, his voice flat and clear, cutting off Kurt's next jeer. "Its legal title resides with Ms. Penny Teller. Your continued possession is unlawful. Dr. Hofstadter's suggestion is correct. You will relinquish it. Or else we'll pursue this legally."
Kurt turned, his sneer widening as he took in Sheldon's lanky frame. "And you're the lawyer? Get lost, string bean."
He reached out to shove Sheldon, a repeat of his crude power play. It was a mistake.
Sheldon didn't block. His left hand shot up to guide it past his body, his fingers closing like a vice around Kurt's wrist. In the same motion, he pivoted on his right foot, his body a lever of terrifying, efficient strength. Using Kurt's own momentum, he drove the man's forearm against the doorjam in a precise, controlled smack, then twisted, applying pressure to a cluster of nerves.
Kurt yelped, both in shock than agony, his body bending awkwardly to follow the painful angle of his own arm. He was immobilized.
"The radial nerve is quite sensitive," Sheldon informed him, his tone carried an edge that promised consequences. "The television is inside your residence, I presume? You will nod."
Kurt, face pressed against the stucco, grunted an affirmative.
"Release the pressure, and we will retrieve it. Attempt further theatrics, and I will demonstrate the effect on your brachioradialis tendon. It will be educational, and will hinder your performance at the gym... and in personal life."
A minute later, a sullen and bewildered Kurt watched as Sheldon and Leonard loaded the TV into the Honda's trunk. As Sheldon closed the lid, he delivered a final, quiet analysis.
"The next time you try to bully someone, remember the pain. Your size matters little if your knees are damaged beyond repair. I do have a working knowledge of the human body. Goodbye."
The ride back was quiet. Penny sat in the passenger seat, stealing glances at Sheldon's profile. He drove with robotic precision, his gaze fixed on the road. In the back, Leonard rubbed his sore back, buzzing with post-conflict nerves.
The television sat on the curb beside Sheldon's Honda Accord, a hulking, glass-fronted relic. Kurt had been left scowling in his doorway, nursing his wrist and his bruised ego.
"Alright, let's get this upstairs," Leonard said, cracking his knuckles with a show of vigor. He positioned himself at one end of the TV, gripping the sides. "Ready? Lift on three. One… two…"
Leonard heaved. His face flushed instantly, a vein throbbing in his temple. The TV rocked an inch off the ground before the sheer, unbalanced weight of it buckled his knees. He let go with a gasp, stumbling back. "Okay… okay, it's heavier than it looks. We just need to adjust our grip."
Sheldon observed the performance with a faint air of disappointment, as if watching a flawed simulation. "Your technique disregards basic principles of leverage and your own physiological limits, Leonard. Your lower back is at significant risk."
"I've got it!" Leonard insisted, red-faced. He tried again, this time attempting to hug the monstrosity. He managed a wobbling, two-step lurch before his shoes caught on the pavement seam. He pitched forward, and only by dropping the TV—which landed with a ominous thunk on its corner—did he avoid being crushed. He stood there, panting, hands on his knees.
Penny winced. "Oh, Leonard, be careful!"
"I'm okay! It's just… awkward."
Sheldon sighed, a soft exhalation of utter resignation. "Step aside, Leonard. Your continued attempts are increasing the probability of property damage, personal injury, and my schedule being further derailed."
He approached the TV. He didn't brace himself. He simply knelt, examined the unit for a moment, then slid his arms underneath it in a specific configuration—one forearm taking the bulk of the weight along the chassis seam, the other bracing the back. With a smooth, unstrained motion that originated from his legs and core, he stood. The TV, which had bested Leonard, rose as if it were made of styrofoam. Sheldon's posture remained erect, his breathing even. He turned and began walking toward the apartment entrance.
Leonard stared, his mouth agape. Penny's eyes went wide.
"Sheldon, wait, let me get the door—" Leonard scrambled ahead, fumbling with the lobby door.
"The door was already unlocked, Leonard. Your assistance is not required. Please refrain from touching the unit; you will only disrupt its center of gravity."
They formed a pathetic procession up the stairs: Sheldon leading, the massive TV a mere accessory in his steady grasp, Leonard fluttering uselessly behind him offering warnings like "Watch the step!" and Penny bringing up the rear, her gaze locked on the surprising, powerful lines of Sheldon's back and shoulders as they worked under his thin, button-down shirt.
He carried it into her apartment without breaking stride, placing it carefully on the stand she indicated with the gentle precision of a museum curator setting down an artifact.
"There. Ensure the power cord is not frayed. The impact from Leonard's drop may have compromised internal components."
Leonard, still breathless from his own brief struggle, leaned against the doorframe. "How… how do you always do that?"
"Leonard, it should be understood by now that I possess good amount of relative strength given my routine." He pulled a small bottle of hand sanitizer from his pocket and cleansed his hands meticulously. "Penny, I believe Kurt will no longer trouble you. If he does, please contact the police."
Penny stepped forward, her earlier pity for Leonard's failed bravado completely evaporated, replaced by a pure, stunned fascination with Sheldon. "Thank you. Seriously. That was… incredible."
Sheldon gave a single, abbreviated nod. "It was necessary. Later, Penny."
He left. Leonard lingered, hoping for a shred of shared glory. "Well, we did it! Team effort, right?"
Penny's eyes were still on the empty hallway. "Yeah. A real team."
What was on her mind, only she could tell.