When I was little, I longed for my parents' praise. Perhaps I was envious of my younger sister Aimi, which sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Jealous of a child who required every ounce of their attention during such a delicate stage of life. Deep down, I understood that this was normal behavior and that I was being selfish; however, that realization did little to quell my yearning for their attention.
As time passed, I began to exert effort in areas that had previously held no meaning for me. I pushed myself to achieve high scores in grade school and aimed to be at the top of my class, all in hopes of capturing their gaze. I even took on the household chores, striving to prove my worth. But with each passing year, I became increasingly aware of something disheartening. no matter what I did or how hard I worked, my efforts went unnoticed. It wasn't that they couldn't see; it was that they chose not to.
Every day, every second, I poured myself into my endeavors, hoping for some recognition or reward, yet I found nothing. My grades began to slip, my hobbies lost their sparkle, and I felt myself plummeting. When my parents berated me for my declining grades, I thought to myself, "This isn't how I wanted to gain their attention." Yet, a part of me felt a twisted sense of satisfaction, "They see me now, don't they?" Despite knowing that my existence was constantly dismissed, piece by piece, my heart was breaking. They had given up on me entirely.
I tried to convince myself it was my fault, that this was normal, that it should be normal. But ignorance isn't bliss, it's a veil that excuses the denial of someone's existence and the disregard of their efforts. It took far too long to realize the truth, my parents were Shit. By the time I recognized my father's harsh behavior, his violence toward my mother, and her indifferent treatment of me, it was already too late.
After that realization, I abandoned my faith in people. Until then, I had a singular goal that kept me alive, but now I found myself without purpose and without the will to live, too cowardly to end it all. Ironically, I didn't want to die; it was a rebellion against the very people who caused my pain. If I intended to keep going through the motions of life, I needed to somehow eliminate their influence.
When these thoughts crept in, I pondered whether what I was doing could even be called 'living'. Suicidal thoughts surfaced frequently, and I often wondered, "What proof do I have that dying would lead to anything different?" I didn't want to exist; I didn't want to be me. They had shaped me into this person. After that, my ability to see others as human beings faded. Connecting with people, making friends, everything felt pointless.
And so, here we are now.
†
"I really don't like talking about this stuff," he admitted, his normally stoic face contorting into an expression of embarrassment and pain. It was evident he wanted to retreat into silence.
"What's wrong with me? Am I shaking?" He noticed his trembling fingers. When he lifted his gaze to Mei, the girl he had just confided in, he was taken aback to see tears rolling down her cheeks. The sight unsettled him, he despised being pitied, it felt degrading. "Hey, why are you—" Before he could finish his thought, she wrapped her arms around him tightly.
This display of affection was unexpected for Ryo. He pushed her away, recalling how he had insulted her when she had tried to cheer him up earlier. It bewildered him that she would respond with such compassion now.
"When I came to this world, I thought maybe it could be the fresh start I needed, a chance to truly live again. But after losing to him... It felt like my entire existence was being denied again." His voice quivered as emotions surged within him. "I knew he was trying to be nice when we talked. I just—" He paused, realizing he was crying. "Huh? I'm..." Sniffling, he fought to hold back the tears. In her embrace, he let go, his voice cracking as he spoke.
"I WAS TRYING... I REALLY WAS... I-I... HIC... HIC... AAAHHH!"
He wept fiercely, his face moist and breaths uneven. The emotions he had kept buried surged forth for the first time in a long while, leaving him a sobbing mess. Mei held him tightly, resting his face against her chest and crying alongside him. He couldn't comprehend why she would, but in that moment, it didn't matter. She was so warm, and he thought, just a little while longer—let me cry.
"Ryo... I know it may not have seemed like it, but I've been watching you. I recognize how hard you've worked and the effort you've put in. I saw you. At the very least, please don't forget that."
Her apology, though simple, meant the world to Ryo. He had longed to hear those words. As he looked up at her, tears shimmering in his eyes, her soft smile and glistening gaze felt like the most comforting presence in the world at that moment.
...
It was morning when Ryo jolted awake in his bed, disoriented. He glanced around the room, the bed, the ceiling, and everything else were familiar. This was his dorm room, but how had he ended up here? He struggled to piece together the events of the previous night. "Oh right, I was with Mei…" He felt his face flush with embarrassment, and he instinctively covered his face with his hands. "I can't believe I acted like that," he mumbled to himself, grappling with the weight of his actions. Just then, a knock on the door interrupted his thoughts.
"Who is it?" he asked, his voice shaky. The silence that followed felt intense, until a voice responded from the other side, "It's me, sir." Ryo let out a breath of relief.
He opened the door to find Ravenna standing there. "Sir, it's time for your morni—" she began, but he cut her off.
"Yes, yes, I'm aware. Hey, Ravenna," he said, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Yes, sir, what is it?" she replied, her tone as formal as ever. Ryo hesitated, feeling a swell of nerves. "L-last night," he stammered, "how exactly did I get here?" A flicker of surprise crossed her face, and then she smirked.
"Well, after I reported your departure to the lady, I found you resting on her lap in one of the halls," she explained. His face reddened further at the thought, and he inwardly cringed. That made sense.
Then Ravenna cleared her throat. "If I may continue, you looked like a cute, harmless baby in that state, although it wasn't very polite of you to get your fluids on the lady's dress. Part of me felt like I saw something I wasn't meant to—"
"Okay, that's enough! Stop!" he interrupted, feeling flustered. He realized she was teasing him, her laughter ringing in his ears. He had never seen her laugh before; she was usually so serious.
The mood shifted in the room as Ryo approached Ravenna and bowed slightly. "Hey, Ravenna, I'm really sorry for yelling at you yesterday. It was arrogant of me, especially when you were just looking out for me. I'm truly sorry."
Ravenna looked taken aback. "Um, sir, you don't have to—"
He shook his head. "No, I was being childish. It wasn't fair to you. Not very master-like behavior, huh? Please accept my apology."
She met his gaze, sensing his sincerity, and decided not to dismiss his words. "Okay, sir, I forgive you. Now, please let go of my hands."
"Oh, uh, sorry about that," he said, releasing her grip.
As she turned away, he noticed a hint of color in her cheeks, which made him smirk slightly.
Jeez, what are you made of?
He had glimpsed a side of her he had never seen before, and he decided he wouldn't use this secret against her, not yet, at least.
...
After that, he washed up, ate, and left the room. He had learned how he ended up there; it seemed Ravenna and Mei had brought him. He had already apologized to Ravenna, and now it was Mei's turn. As he walked, he pondered what to say, tuning out his surroundings and the chatter of people around him. He muttered to himself, "Hey Mei, uh, about last night… sorry for using your… breasts as…" No, that wasn't right. "Sorry for getting your clothes dirty?" No, that didn't work either.
"What's not right?" he accidentally let slip, and suddenly Mei stood directly in front of him. "Oh Mei, I, uh… you see, the thing is…"
She looked confused. "What?"
He steeled himself and took a deep breath. He bowed slightly. "The thing is, I'm sorry for using your breasts as emotional support."
What the fuck did I just say?
He looked up to find her face practically crimson. "Hey, what's wrong with you? We're in front of all these people!" They were in a busy hallway filled with students, and he realized his embarrassment was far worse than he'd imagined. She quickly pulled him to a more secluded area.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that!" he exclaimed, frustration bubbling over. "I just didn't know what to say. My mind got all jumbled, and I panicked. A lot of things ran through my head, but that's what came out." she placed her hand on her forehead in disbelief. "Unbelievable. Just unbelievable."
Ryo averted his gaze, feeling like a scolded dog. Mei sighed before saying, "For starters, how about thanking me? I'd rather receive gratitude than an apology." He looked up at her in surprise. His heart raced, and he felt his cheeks flush slightly.
"Yes, of course. Mei, thank you for letting me cry." As soon as he said that, her expression brightened, and she smiled back at him.
"You're welcome, Ryo-bai."
"Pfft, what is this? Hahaha! Man, I'm so out of character today!" They both laughed, enjoying the moment more than either had expected.
"Yeah, tell me about it," Mei chuckled, and for a brief moment, they wished time would stand still..