Thank the fucking lord they came.
God, I was so happy, so fucking glad, because I couldn't do it without them.
I know it was a temporary fix to a problem I could never escape, but I was happy even if it was just for a moment.
Guilt was eating away at me as Thomas and Daniel reunited with Gianna and Zayne. I am sorry.
And even when I was with my daughter and Ryder, it was still eating away at me.
Matteo was…he was gone.
I had asked Leo about it, but Leo didn't answer. He just looked lost in thought and had this expression I couldn't really explain.
I feel like a terrible friend because I can never explain or understand what he is thinking.
I also think Leo and Matteo kissed before Matteo slipped into the night like Batman or some shit. I don't really know, but now that I think about it, Leo looks really embarrassed.
Yeah, they definitely kissed.
I sighed.
I wish I could kiss you.
I wish I could kiss you a million fucking times.
I wish I could be happy like Daniel and Thomas, kissing their partners and hugging their kids.
Isabella looks at me. She wants to hug me. She tries to be nice. But I know what she thinks.
She says all of these nice things.
But she knows I'm a bad father.
I know I am a bad father for lying to her all of these years.
I am so sorry, my girl.
I hope you will forgive me.
She and Leo are my rocks; without them, I couldn't do anything.
She held my hand as we walked to the ambulance.
She told me everything would be okay, my brave girl.
I talked to the company that has special ambulances for mafia men like me. I talked to them about the logistics and everything, and I told them to hurry, no matter how much it was going to cost, I needed them to hurry.
The Victor guy was gone, just like Matteo.
And Leo was still lost in thought and doing things mindlessly. He was on his iPad, taking notes on what the paramedics were saying.
I feel terrible for all of them.
But, it's okay. It will be okay.
I wish you were here.
I wish I could, could just…I just want you to be okay
What I would give for you to be okay, to be perfectly fine, and to still be at home in my kitchen, in my bed, in my house.
I wish I could rejoice and kiss you like Thomas and Daniel could.
But I can't.
All I can do is stand here, waiting with my daughter, who's begging me to miss the next week of school because she doesn't want to go.
And I caved, I always caved now because of you. I knew you would want me to be less harsh on her.
So I did that for you. I do everything for you now.
And I know I haven't even known you for that long, but it feels like forever. The time we spent together feels like forever.
And as they closed off the ambulance. I watched as you were hooked up to all those machines, just like when we first met.
But it hurts me even more now.
I walk with Leo and Isabella to my car, and Leo volunteers to drive as the image of you plays over and over in my mind.
And as I sit here now, the beeping is driving me fucking crazy, and I am scared out of my mind, but for the first time since the incident with my arm, I wasn't scared of the hospital.
I was scared for you.
I was scared that you would never wake up.
I don't even know how many days have gone by now. But I know that I haven't left your side for any of them. I haven't even gone home.
I can't leave you. I can't let you be alone, even for a moment.
They say it's been six days, but it feels like an eternity without you.
All because of that shit Victor gave you.
The doctor gave me a pamphlet on it, and I have been reading it over and over again, nonstop, because it makes me so fucking nervous.
It's called Nexarix.
It says it is a synthetic paralytic neurotoxin and was originally developed for experimental sedative purposes.
I am not sure what that means, but it is known for its rapid onset of full-body paralysis and its ability to suppress central nervous system activity.
The drug was banned from clinical trials due to its high lethality and unpredictable recovery outcomes.
Unpredictable.
The word itself gave me chills.
Its effects were awful, and they made my mind spin.
At first, it causes slow muscle paralysis and a slowing of the heart rate.
It causes difficulty breathing, and it also causes terrible fucking migraines.
It says it can take up to 30 minutes to an hour to set in fully, but once it does, it causes prolonged comas.
The doctor said, "The toxin binds to neutral receptors, interfering with neurotransmitter signaling and stopping the body's natural process for waking up."
Hence why Ryder hasn't woken up yet.
The doctor says it is taking him a lot longer than normal to wake up because the amount that he received overwhelmed his body and shut down his critical systems.
The doctor told me more and more, but I tuned him out because thinking about it made me sick to my fucking stomach.
Then he gave me two other pamphlets, neither of which I have opened.
One was about the physical therapy he needed to do, and the other… the other had the word "mourning" on the front, and I didn't want to read it; I didn't even want to think about it at all.
I held his hand as I watched him.
Haven't we been here before, with the whole coma thing?
It is all my fault again.
And I am sorry.
I will leave you alone after this.
I blinked.
Just let me take care of you for one final time.
The final time.
No.
I couldn't.
I can't.
I am sorry.
I brought you into this mess, but I can't lose you. I really can't.
I haven't been fucking sleeping either, just watching and being by your bedside like I am at this moment.
It's been just you and me most of the time, because I…I don't trust anyone to be in here alone with you.
It makes me so fucking nervous and sick to my stomach.
So I stayed awake.
And I only sleep when I catch myself drifting to thoughts of you, and then I wake back up again.
My eyes are fucking bloodshot, and I look crazy.
I am currently in your small band t-shirt and pajama pants because I can't bring myself to wear a suit to be a mafia boss.
I just can't bring myself to do it.
I.
I look and feel terrible.
So fucking terrible.
Your sister even pointed it out when your family came by, pointed out how miserable I looked.
I explained the whole thing to them, the thing I have kept a secret my whole life.
My own daughter didn't even know.
But.
But I told your family.
I told them everything.
And they were angry, so fucking angry, and they really had every right to be angry.
I watched as your mother sobbed, holding your hand, and your siblings consoled her.
And your dad…your dad screamed in my face, and all I could do was stand there, stand there and do nothing but stare, stare as I told them.
God, your dad called you some really nasty names and told me the same thing he told me when you had your first coma.
Still worrying about the same things, not even worrying about you.
"I can't afford his medical bills, and our dumb-ass insurance is going to barely cover it," and he went on and on and on, until he finally said those dreadful words again. "I think just planning his funeral would be cheaper. Just tell my family he died in his sleep. Save us the debt."
But this…this time you didn't wake up and say something about it.
I gulped.
I wanted you to. I wanted you to so fucking badly.
After he said that, I said some pretty hurtful things to him, but I have no regrets.
I have more money than your dad can ever fathom, and I will use it, I will use all of it; it means to keep you safe.
I remember your mother, on the other hand, looked at me with so much heartbreak in her eyes, and she started to cuss.
She cussed me out in English and Spanish, and she ranted and raged, all through her tears.
"My Mijo, my baby boy. You couldn't just leave him alone?! YOU AND YOUR KIND!!!" My kind?
My kind. "You heartless fucking monsters, you only care about yourself," she screamed, and I didn't say anything back.
She needed to vent. She had every fucking right, and I just listened, I listened to every word until she was done.
"As much as I want to leave your son, I can't. I care about him too much now. I can't let him go like this. I have known him for not even that long, but I know I love him. Even if the proposal was fake, I just did it to make him laugh, just to see him smile. My love for him is still that of a fiancé, maybe even a husband if he wants, because he is so fucking special to me." My rant went on and on, never wanting to stop.
I never wanted to stop.
Your dad didn't care to listen.
I now understand that he never cared to listen to you either, and I watched him walk out.
No matter how much hurt your mother felt, I watched her eyes soften as we spoke.
We spoke for 3 hours as Eliza and Brandon explained everything they had done that you had missed.
Your mother understood.
She understood how I felt.
This love.
She understood.
We shared a hug in the end, and she told me to "take care of myself."
Not until you wake up. "Okay," I said, and she let go of me. Then she said she would bring me something to eat and some flowers, and I nodded.
I watched as she and Brandon walked out, but Eliza stayed. She looked me in my eyes and said, "Don't leave him."
And at that very moment. I saw a glimpse of Isabella in her, and I just started to cry.
"No matter what you say to anyone about how you want the best for him or because it feels like the right thing to let him go. It's not," She said and then stopped and walked over to grab one of my hands. "Trust me when I say it is not," she gulped.
"I know you have problems, and all of the shit wrong with my brother is all of your fault, but don't leave. Because truly, I don't think he has felt this way about someone in a really long time. A really long fucking time."
"That whole system shit with that awful job, messed him up so much. His self-worth, his sense of self, everything. It fucked him up for a really long time, and that is the reason why he is so closed off." She rubbed my hand as I continued to cry. "You make my brother smile, like no one else can. Don't lose that."
The days went by after that, and everyone came and went.
I got sick, you know.
It started with bloodshot eyes, all of that.
Then it slowly turned into vomiting, aggressive vomiting every night.
Right as I would doze off, holding your hand, I would get that rush, and at least 12 times a night, I would get up and vomit.
Everything I ate.
Everything I drank.
Maybe it's because the thought of losing you made me so fucking sick.
God, I feel weak, but I have to fight for you.
Everything I do from now on is for you.
"Mr. Callahan, Mr. Caruso, you have visitors." I looked up at the nurse who pulled me out of my thoughts.
Oh. It was Matteo and Leo.
"The house is heavily guarded, and Isabella is at home watching television in the living room," Leo said.
I looked up at Matteo, who was awkwardly shuffling behind him.
I nodded, and I watched as Matteo's hand was on the small of Leo's back.
"Bring her with you tomorrow," I mumbled, and Leo nodded as he got closer to me.
I still don't believe he and Matteo are a real thing. That is so weird.
Also, this is the first time Leo has visited with him, out of the 3 visits he makes a day.
I looked at Leo, and his mouth was moving. "Huh?" I asked, and Leo rolled his eyes.
"Come with me to get some fresh air and maybe a bite to eat because you are losing weight," Leo said.
I laughed. "I have been eating."
"And keeping it down?" Leo asked, and I rolled my eyes.
"Get up and come with me," Leo said.
I stood up. "Fuck no. I am not leaving him. If you want to get me food, then go ask the fucking nurse; I am not FUCKING…" I felt myself get dizzy as my voice faltered.
I can't do anything because Ryder is hurt.
I sat down, and Leo raised his eyebrows at me and stood in front of me.
I looked at him.
"I will give you a choice. You either come outside, get some fresh air, and eat, or you are going to take a nap, Dominic," he said, talking to me like I was a child.
I blink slowly at him.
"One nap won't hurt you, please, Dominic. Do it for me," Leo says.
I could really use one. I really could…just a quick one.
"Can you watch Ryder while I sleep, please?" I asked, I felt myself begging.
"I will, Dominic, go to sleep, please. You look like you need it."
I nodded.
One quick nap.
I have them here to protect him.
Even though I hate him.
I trust Leo.
I hope Victor doesn't come back.
I hope so.
Not now.
Not ever.
Just.
One.
Quick.
Nap.