Vivi's initial shock passed, and all the Straw Hats relaxed, so now they listened to Luffy's uninterrupted stream of nonsense with mild interest. Or perhaps scientific interest. What else would he blurt out, and how would the man on the other end react? This was not just anyone, after all, but an actual Warlord of the Sea, a famous figure known throughout the world. Naturally, everyone was curious—especially the members of the family—about what consequences this whole conversation Luffy had initiated was supposed to produce. None of them doubted that, despite all the seemingly pointless chatter, he was pursuing some very specific goal. Only Robin continued to feel profoundly uncomfortable; the line about 'eyes on the bedside table' had lodged itself painfully deep in her mind. Noticing the black-haired woman's discomfort, Nami immediately put one arm around her in reassurance. Unlike the others, she could say with certainty that Luffy had not been serious about the eyes. Not because she understood him or his 'jokes' better than anyone else, but because Luffy's bedside table was also her bedside table, and she would never allow jars containing eyes to be kept there.
Meanwhile, the boy's verbal diarrhea showed no intention of stopping. He continuously dumped ever-new streams of nonsense onto Crocodile, heavily seasoned with his trademark insanity. Every attempt by the Warlord to steer the flow in a useful direction was used as an excuse to broaden the range of topics in the endless monologue. Once Luffy got the opportunity to speak without interruption, after thirty minutes of chatter about everything under the sun—including the proper use of toilet paper—even the members of his own family began to feel surprised. Slowly drinking their third, and in some cases fourth, servings of tea, everyone silently listened to the never-ending monologue. From the outside, the torrent of nonsense was much more entertaining than when a similar torrent crashed directly onto their own heads. But necessity or not, Crocodile soon began displaying every sign that his patience was steadily approaching its limit. He tried to interrupt the boy more and more often, his voice became louder and louder, and the Den Den Mushi's face—which conveyed not only the speaker's voice but also his emotions—grew angrier by the minute. Finally, when it had become obvious to everyone that another minute or two would make Crocodile completely lose his mind with rage, Luffy suddenly 'remembered' why else he had wanted to speak with the Big Boss. He 'remembered' roughly forty minutes into the conversation.
"By the way, do you know why I bothered capturing the little princess, your deputy, and the transvestite from the royal guard in the first place?" Luffy asked when the hard-working Den Den Mushi had finally taken on the appearance of a boiling kettle, somehow managing to guide his monologue to that exact question at that exact moment.
Despite his unchanged tone, the question was pure mockery. It was precisely the answer to that question, asked in every possible variation, that Crocodile had been trying to obtain this entire time. Luffy had also, without blinking, presented a completely ordinary accident as part of a carefully constructed plan. At the time they arrived on Cactus Island, no one in the family had known anything about little princesses, deputies, or transvestites. All three people mentioned had survived only by sheer miracle. Yet with a single sentence, the boy made it sound as though everything had been part of his meticulous design.
"...What do you want?" Naked relief bled through the Warlord's angry voice.
Apparently Crocodile had begun to doubt whether they would ever reach the subject that actually interested him.
"Straight to business, huh? I like your approach, I'm the same way!" Judging by the Den Den Mushi's face, the boiling 'kettle' nearly exploded after that sentence. "Here's the thing. Some time ago, your organization got so full of itself that it dared send a certain Unidentified Corpse Number Seven to recruit my family. That's already a serious insult by itself, but on top of that, you weren't even planning to recruit us as officers—just ordinary underlings. You have to admit, that kind of arrogance is unforgivable. After we squeezed everything Unidentified Corpse Number Seven knew out of him, we unanimously decided that an insult like that could never be allowed to slide. That day we decided to destroy Baroque Works and kill whoever stood at its head. Back then we didn't know that person would turn out to be one of the Warlords, so we expected nothing more than an easy stroll. Now, though, things have gotten a little more interesting. At the very least, there's a decent chance you won't die immediately and might manage to entertain us first."
"BRAT!!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I AM?!!"
Oh yes. The 'kettle' had finally burst.
"A loser sitting in the safest part of the Grand Line?" Luffy 'guessed.' "I hate to shatter your rose-colored glasses, but sitting in the nursery doesn't make you look cool. It makes you look like a monumental dumbass. Sure, I won't argue—it probably boosts your ego, and you can entertain yourself as much as you want, but taking that kind of playground seriously? That's pathetic."
"I'll grind you into dust!" the Den Den Mushi snarled, its face reddened from effort.
"Don't strain yourself, sunshine!" Luffy advised Crocodile. "I've got one overly curious little monster in my family, and he growls way better than that. Now shut up and listen! Unless, of course, you want the Marines and those old geezers in the World Government to learn about your plans. I think the word of an entire country's princess and the captain of its royal guard, backed up by your own deputy, would be enough to make their wrinkled asses leave their chairs and bend you over. Naturally, all of that can be avoided if you behave like a good little dog and do exactly what I tell you. Understood?"
"..."
"Good doggy!" Luffy praised him, though the Den Den Mushi had become frightening to look at. Thanks to its natural diligence in conveying emotions, the poor snail was in danger of dying soon from either a heart attack or a stroke. "You see, according to Little Billion, your organization has around two thousand people. But then our Charming Eyes explained that a small fry like naive Little Billion isn't supposed to know the true state of affairs in your organization. And believe me, I fully approve of that approach. But according to the same Charming Eyes, you have three times more subordinates than Little Billion thought. Which naturally raises a question: were you hiding the real situation even from Charming Eyes herself? If I were you, I would've done exactly that. If only because you're clearly paranoid as hell, even if you were planning to get rid of all witnesses once your plan was finished. Wondering why I'm telling you all this? You see, I really don't feel like hunting members of your organization all across the Grand Line, so I'm offering to settle everything once and for all in one single battle. My family against your entire organization. What do you think?"
"..."
"I'm serious! Maybe you hadn't heard of me as the Pirate King, but thanks to one idiot you definitely must have heard of the 'Straw Hat Pirates,' better known around the world as the 'Pirate Killers.'"
Objectively speaking, the only person actually at fault was Luffy himself, who had chosen 'fun from the shadows,' but no one present doubted that the 'idiot' he meant was the green-haired swordsman.
"...Roronoa Zoro?"
The poor snail relaxed a little. It abruptly stopped looking as though it was about to explode, while Zoro himself, now mentioned for the second time, tensed slightly. Pulling his eyes away from the tea in his mug, he looked at the sprawled-out Luffy. The swordsman understood perfectly well that someone else's sins were about to be pinned on him yet again. In other words, he was about to be shamelessly framed.
"Finally recognize me, huh?"
"Two hundred million berries for your head... Now I understand why you're so arrogant."
"Not like your eighty million berries... pardon me! Eighty-one million!" Luffy needled him.
"If you still judge a person's strength by the bounty on their head, that only proves you're still an ordinary brat," Crocodile replied. Apparently, after finally learning the true identity of the man he was speaking to, he had relaxed somewhat. The Den Den Mushi's face made that obvious, settling into a somewhat phlegmatic expression. "The Grand Line is far more dangerous than you think, and Warlords are not ordinary pirates. You can't even imagine whom you've decided to challenge. Despite everything you've said, I don't need unnecessary trouble right now, so I can forget everything that happened between us if you take care of the princess and the captain, and release Miss All Sunday."
"Are you completely stupid? Do you actually believe I'd agree to an offer like that? If your status as a Warlord frightened me, I wouldn't have started talking to you in the first place."
"I haven't needed to prove my strength for a long time. You insulted me, and I remember it, but completing my plan matters far more to me than taking revenge on an arrogant brat."
It had to be admitted that such a position characterized Crocodile as a very dangerous man.
"Oh, what a tough doggy we have here!" Luffy pretended not to be impressed in the slightest. Or perhaps he truly was not impressed; who could say? "You won't believe it, but personally, I couldn't care less whether you finish your plan. All I want is to have a really good time! And in my language, the word 'fun' means a gigantic bloodbath! My whole family against your entire organization! You should understand that if I merely wanted to help the princess save her country or turn you into an enemy of the World Government, all I'd have to do is contact that government and hand over everything I know about you. But what I'm interested in is fighting your forces. Charming Eyes said the next island after Whisky Peak is called Little Garden. Aside from various prehistoric wildlife and a pair of giants, it's uninhabited. How about meeting on that island and finding out which of us is stronger? My family or your organization? I'm in no hurry, so I can easily give you a week to prepare. Besides, don't forget that it'll take us another two whole weeks to sail from Cactus Island to Little Garden. So that gives you three weeks to prepare in total. Enough? If not, I can give you more time. Just say so, don't be shy. I'm not greedy. And I'm a pretty good master, so an obedient doggy can always hope for a bone as a reward."
No one knew what Crocodile was thinking while listening to all those provocations, but not a single member of the family had the slightest doubt about Luffy's true motive. He was provoking the Warlord for one reason alone: to draw the harshest possible response from him. Considering both the personality and status of the man on the other end, as well as the exact words and tone Luffy himself was using, there could be no doubt about the end result. In less than a month, Little Garden would be red with spilled blood.
"...Three weeks will be enough," Crocodile replied through clenched teeth, judging by his voice, apparently unable to separate jaws locked tight with rage. "I'll make you regret the moment you decided to go against me."
"I seriously doubt that, but hope dies last, as they say," Luffy replied, again sounding completely unimpressed. "See you in three weeks. Or maybe we won't. That's up to you."
With those words, he put the receiver back in place. The Den Den Mushi cut its connection with the other snail and immediately relaxed. Such a long and emotional conversation had clearly exhausted it. It was a living creature, after all, not an ordinary machine. And unlike its counterpart, it was extremely lucky. The moment Luffy cut the connection, Crocodile immediately took all of his accumulated rage out on his own office, and the Den Den Mushi there suffered badly as a result. More than that, once the man calmed down enough to think, he found the snail where it had been knocked away and began calling various Baroque Works commanders. Crocodile intended to bring the full might of the organization he had created down upon the 'arrogant brat' until there was 'nothing left but a wet spot.' Zoro's bounty did not impress him in the least. As far as Crocodile was concerned, he himself knew the boy's true worth far better. One could say that Crocodile had immediately made the single worst possible mistake when dealing with the Straw Hats: he began making decisions based on his own knowledge and logic, thereby greatly reducing his already modest chances of success.
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