On the tenth day of their stay on Cactus Island, when the Heart Pirates' submarine had finally regained its original appearance, an important event occurred—one that had long been anticipated by 'someone.' Having finished creating his 'Durable Unified Cybernetic Kryobird' or, more simply, completed Project 'D.U.C.K.'—a name that had almost nothing to do with reality or common sense—Luffy became suspiciously quiet. He did not bother anyone, did not set up any nasty tricks, did not drive anyone insane, and did not even make his usual 'jokes.' In other words, he behaved in the most suspicious manner imaginable. No one in the family doubted that some new idea had once again entered his head, an idea promising trouble for everyone except Luffy himself. That was more or less exactly what happened. If there was anything in the world in which Luffy never disappointed his family's expectations, it was finding new and varied ways to get all of them into trouble. One of the guy's very few predictable traits—and predicting it had never brought joy to anyone.
"Pururururu... Pururururu..."
As was usually the case whenever future trouble arranged by Luffy was concerned, everything began with something completely harmless: he answered a call on a large Den Den Mushi. Unlike small Den Den Mushi, which functioned only within the bounds of a single island, the large snails possessed far stronger telepathic abilities and could maintain communication across distances of several thousand kilometers. There was nothing unusual about that; Luffy was constantly calling someone or receiving calls himself. The only slightly strange thing was the Den Den Mushi itself. It did not belong to the Straw Hat family, and no one knew exactly where Luffy had gotten it. Or when. Yosaku had only noticed it on the eighth day of their stay beside the ruins of Whisky Peak.
"Pururururu... Pururururu..."
The call came at the most convenient possible time. Or the least convenient. That depended entirely on one's perspective. The whole family had only recently dragged themselves awake and, as usual, gathered for breakfast. Alongside the Straw Hats, Robin and Vivi were also at the table, sitting on either side of Nami. Tashigi, Karoo, and Igaram were absent. Tashigi, who lately resembled a robot more than a living person, woke at the same time as Sanji, who always rose before everyone else, so she ate breakfast first and immediately went to train. Karoo was terrified out of his mind of Johnny, so no threat in the world could drag him aboard the Going Merry, while Igaram irritated literally everyone, for several different reasons at once.
"Pururururu... Pururururu..."
"Want me to answer it?" Johnny offered when time passed and no one made a move to pick up the receiver.
"No need, I'll do it," Luffy replied with a smile, then emptied his mug of tea in several powerful gulps. "I've been waiting for this call for quite a while."
"And who's supposed to call you?" Johnny raised an eyebrow. "That snail isn't even ours!"
"We're about to find out who's supposed to call me," Luffy answered obscurely, walking over to the shrilling Den Den Mushi and lifting the receiver—but only after making sure that another tiny black snail was reliably shielding the signal. "You're on."
"...Who is this?"
The voice that answered Luffy unquestionably belonged to a self-assured man, and from the way both Robin and Vivi immediately jerked upright, there was almost no doubt who that voice belonged to. Luffy's face took on a somewhat sinister expression.
"Mr. Zero, I presume?"
"...You're not Mr. Five."
It was not a question, but a statement of fact. Hardly surprising. Luffy normally spoke in such an idiotically cheerful voice that hearing it even once in one's life made it difficult to forget. It had absolutely nothing in common with the rough, arrogant, self-satisfied voice of the late Mr. Five.
"Mr. Five?" The boy raised one eyebrow slightly. "Don't know anyone by that name, but if I were you, I wouldn't bring him up anymore. The ship I took this Den Den Mushi from had a giant number five painted on it and the flag of your stupid organization, while the only survivors were Mr. Eight and Mr. Nine. Although, hold on, let me check!" Turning his head toward his family, who were listening attentively, Luffy asked, "Did any of you kill Mr. Five?"
"..."
The answer was perhaps the most eloquent silence the world had ever known. Over the previous ten days, quite a lot had been said about the unenviable fate of Mr. Five's pair, and consequently everyone on the island knew exactly what that unenviable fate had been. Everyone except Tashigi. Training from morning until night, the girl spoke to no one. She followed Zoro's instructions without question and obeyed his commands, but opened her own mouth only when further silence might interfere with her training. As a result, Tashigi still did not know the true reasons behind the massacre at Whisky Peak. She remained completely convinced that the whole thing had been done out of ordinary greed. Pirates, after all, mostly spent their time robbing other ships and towns. Whisky Peak had simply suffered the same fate. Or so Tashigi believed. And since she had reached the conclusion entirely on her own and had seen everything with her own eyes, it had to be the truest truth imaginable. Self-deception was a terrifying thing. And Luffy's favorite tool by far.
"...You know, judging by the eloquent silence from my family of psychos, they buried your Mr. Five so brutally that they're now afraid to admit it even to me," Luffy said after turning back to the Den Den Mushi, whether deliberately making a pun or doing so by accident. Even now, no one could say for certain whether he had genuinely forgotten about Mr. Five or was only pretending very hard. "Like I said, you're better off forgetting him. Besides, he's not what you should be thinking about right now. You've gotten yourself into such serious trouble that I almost feel a little sorry for you. You had such a beautiful plan! Get rid of Alabasta's ruling elite, make yourself out to be a hero, take the throne, find an Ancient Weapon, and after that you could even take a shot at conquering the whole world. And now all of it is hopelessly screwed! My heart just aches for you. It was a great plan, I appreciated it! No, seriously. So carefully thought out, already entering the final stretch, and then suddenly—BAM! An unexpected ending. And the best part is why. Pure chance! You have my sympathy."
Luffy, as usual, had gotten carried away. Sympathy, sure. Even Robin and Vivi, who barely knew him, could easily tell that the boy was openly enjoying every moment of this. Sympathy had absolutely nothing to do with it.
"...I'll ask again. Who are you? And how do you know all of this?"
Crocodile, it had to be admitted, weathered the unexpected blow quite well. A great deal of confidence had vanished from his voice, but he was still far from panic.
"Didn't I introduce myself already? At the beginning? I'm pretty sure I always introduce myself! Did I forget this time? Or do you need me to repeat it? Fine, I'll repeat it: I am the Pirate King! And also your worst nightmare, as cliché as that sounds. By the way, I've got a couple of girls here who are practically bouncing in their seats from how badly they want to talk to you!" Without ever stopping his chatter, Luffy picked up the Den Den Mushi with his free hand and carried it over to the kitchen table. "Robin, say hello to your boss, or he might decide I'm just joking around with him."
The boy shoved the receiver directly in front of the woman's face and froze, waiting for her to say something.
"...Mr. Zero."
"Miss All Sunday?!"
Now Crocodile was clearly surprised, his confidence slipping even further.
"Wait, wait!" Luffy exclaimed before anyone else could say another word. "We've also got another little girl here, nicknamed 'Little Billion,' who'd like to say hello!"
This time he shoved the receiver toward the visibly frightened Vivi. To be frank, neither Robin nor the princess liked talking to Luffy and both always tried to avoid him. Although 'didn't like' was not entirely accurate. Robin, for example, would gladly have spoken with the boy under almost any other circumstances; she had been interested since childhood in people who carried the initial 'D.' in their names. The problem was that the more the girls learned about Luffy, and the better they came to know him personally, the more wary of him they became. He seemed to them like an unpredictable lunatic.
"...Mr. Zero... no! Crocodile! You won't get my country!"
"Miss Wednesday!"
After the third consecutive 'blow,' the voice of one of the world's infamous Warlords of the Sea finally lost the last traces of its confidence. The man was clearly badly thrown off balance.
"You know, Little Billion almost never shuts up about that country of hers," Luffy said, picking up the Den Den Mushi again with his free hand and walking back to his throne-chair at the head of the table before dropping into it. "Little Billion is kind of like some idiots I've met who keep yelling that they're the ones who'll become the next Pirate King." Every person present caught and appreciated the irony in those words. At the same time, Luffy once again confirmed his boundless love of double standards. "Anyway, I've gotten my hands on your assistant with the charming eyes... Oh! Speaking of which! Tell me honestly, man to man—you only made her your right hand because of those eyes, didn't you? Seriously, what Poneglyphs? What Ancient Weapons? The important thing is those gorgeous eyes! Right? Say yes! Come on, please!"
From the way Luffy sprawled in his throne-chair, nearly throwing his legs over its back, one could say with confidence that the boy was preparing for a long, thoughtful session of brainwashing his conversation partner. Why? Because after an opening like that, Crocodile absolutely could not simply hang up. The man had been trapped in a situation with no good exit, and Luffy clearly intended to exploit it. Normally, his monologues were constantly interrupted for one reason or another, so, as anyone who knew the boy well could have said, he had no intention of wasting the opportunity now presented to him. It was one of the reasons Luffy had waited so long for this call.
"No, don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing you of anything. Robin's eyes really are amazing!" As the saying went, the floodgates had opened. "At first I was going to make her shoot herself, then keep the eyes as souvenirs, but she turned out to be way too crafty." The words poured out of him in an endless stream. "She managed to interest me so much that I even had to give up on the idea of having a pair of her eyes on my bedside table. They would've looked incredible there, too! I already imagined myself waking up every morning and saying something like, 'Hi, Robin! Good morning!' while her adorable eyes stared back at me."
Luffy had well and truly gone off the rails. Like a small child who had found the hidden sweets while his parents were away. Except the comparison did not make Robin feel any better. Nor anyone else. One of the most unpleasant things about the boy's rambling was that no one could ever say for certain how much truth there was in his words or how serious he was when saying them. Sometimes what sounded like pure nonsense, with no connection to reality whatsoever, ultimately turned out to be true. And sometimes the opposite happened too.
"Are you insane?" Crocodile managed to insert while Luffy drew a deep breath to continue his monologue.
"What is insanity?" the boy replied without the slightest pause, immediately leaping onto a new subject. "A man trying to break through a concrete wall with his own head looks insane right up until the moment he actually breaks through it. After that, he's just a man with a very hard head, not a lunatic. Or, alternatively, a man trying to break through a concrete wall with someone else's head is more likely a murderer or a sadist from the start, but not necessarily insane. Although, admittedly, in that case one doesn't exclude the other. After all, a lunatic who doesn't understand how pointless his actions are might also try to break a concrete wall using someone else's head. As for me personally, I'm somewhere in the middle. Even if I can break through a wall with my own head, I'd still rather use someone else's. And if one isn't enough, I'll just use several dozen. By the way, that's exactly how I'm planning to use your head! Specifically to break through one concrete wall! Figuratively speaking, of course, but since you're a Warlord, who knows, you might even survive. Lucky you. I mean, lucky in that particular sense. Overall you're an extraordinarily unlucky bastard. Imagine managing to run into our family like this! And right at the end of your grand plan for world conquest! When your luck turns, it really turns!"
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