[E.G.O. Votes]
1-[Lord of chains] 3
2-[The Abomination of Creation] 3
3-[The Maestro of black and white] 1
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After Eridius had said everything he wanted to say, he left Carmen and her companions to enjoy the rest of their visit.
It took another half an hour for the three to finally leave. Apparently, they had decided to take some food home so they could let their friends taste the delicious dishes they had enjoyed.
Eridius watched them leave with a smile that slowly faded as he remembered one very important detail.
[Eridius]: So, how much did we lose on that free lunch?
[Guilliman]: ...They took twenty cakes.
[Eridius]: I mean the money, Guilliman. How much did we lose?
[Guilliman]: That would be 1,456,001 Ahn. Approximately 40% of our monthly income and 1% of our projected annual income once the business stabilizes.
[Eridius]: I need to stop giving away free stuff. You can leave now.
Guilliman nodded and left the office, leaving Eridius alone with his financial regrets.
Eridius sat back in his chair and closed his eyes.
[Eridius]: Old man... how the hell am I supposed to solve this?
At that moment, Alexander entered the office.
[Alexander]: Leader, is there anything I can help you with?
[Eridius]: Would you like to hear a story about the time I visited my uncle's farm? That's where I learned what sound a man's spine makes when it's ripped out while he's still alive.
[Alexander]: That actually sounds interesting. Let me get Kuro, too.
[Eridius]: Wait, what?
Alexander exited the office and returned a few minutes later with Kuro.
[Alexander]: Leader, we're ready. Please, continue your story.
[Kuro]: I brought tea.
[Eridius]: ...Why do I feel like I'm about to regret this?
Nevertheless, Eridius leaned back in his chair and began his story.
[Eridius]: It all started when I was fourteen. I was young, arrogant, and stupid enough to believe I knew better than everyone else. So, naturally, my father decided I needed some discipline and sent me to work on one of my uncle's farms.
[Eridius]: And let me tell you, my uncle's name was Bobless De XI Fallheart.
Alexander immediately reached into his pocket, pulled out some money, and handed it to Kuro.
[Kuro]: Another one?
[Alexander]: I know a profitable investment when I hear one.
[Eridius]: I'm going to pretend I didn't see that.
He cleared his throat and continued.
[Eridius]: My uncle lived with his wife. They had no children—not because they didn't want any, but because neither of them could have them. It was something they'd made peace with over the years, or at least that's what they told everyone.
[Eridius]: Now, my uncle was built like a tank. The kind of man who could make a doorway look small just by standing in it. His hands were rough, his voice could shake the windows, and he had enough muscle to make a professional wrestler reconsider his career.
[Eridius]: But the funny thing was, he was one of the kindest men I'd ever met.
[Eridius]: Really. He hired people fresh out of prison who couldn't find honest work anywhere else. Some had made terrible mistakes. Others had simply been born into terrible circumstances. He didn't care about their past as long as they were willing to work honestly and leave their old lives behind.
[Eridius]: Many had families to feed. Some had children who needed medicine. Others had nowhere to sleep. My uncle gave them work, food, and a roof over their heads. He paid them fairly, too. If someone needed money for an emergency, he'd lend it without demanding interest.
[Eridius]: He also took in orphans and helped raise them. He made sure they received an education, learned useful skills, and had a chance to build lives of their own. He never called them charity cases. As far as he was concerned, if they were living under his roof, they were family.
[Eridius]: He remembered everyone's names, their birthdays, what foods they liked, and which children were afraid of thunderstorms. He'd complain about having to buy more supplies, then spend twice as much on presents for the children.
[Eridius]: His wife used to say that his heart was so big that one day it would get him killed.
[Eridius]: He'd just laugh and tell her that, if anyone tried, he'd make sure they regretted interrupting his dinner.
Alexander smiled faintly.
[Alexander]: He sounds like a good man.
[Eridius]: He was.
Eridius's expression grew more serious.
[Eridius]: But even the kindest people have lines they refuse to let anyone cross. And my uncle had one very clear rule.
[Eridius]: You could insult him. You could steal from him. You could even take a swing at him if you were stupid enough to think that was a good idea.
[Eridius]: He'd give you a chance to apologize. If you were hungry, he'd feed you. If you were desperate, he'd try to help. If you'd done something wrong, he'd ask whether you were willing to make things right.
[Eridius]: But if you deliberately hurt a child under his protection?
He paused.
Eridius: Then you had better pray that someone found you before he did.
The room fell quiet.
[Eridius]: One afternoon, a little girl went missing.
[Eridius]: She was one of the orphans my uncle had taken in. Cheerful little thing. Always running around the farm, asking too many questions and following the workers wherever they went. She'd even made me a terrible drawing once and insisted I hang it in my room.
[Eridius]: My uncle noticed she hadn't come back for dinner. At first, he thought she was playing somewhere with the other children. Then he asked around.
[Eridius]: Nobody had seen her.
[Eridius]: He called her name across the farm. He checked the barns, the fields, the storage sheds, and every place she liked to hide. When that didn't work, he sent people to search the roads and nearby woods.
[Eridius]: Within minutes, he'd called every person he knew. His workers abandoned their jobs. Neighbors came running from their homes. People from the town joined the search without even asking for payment.
[Eridius]: That's how much people respected him. Nobody needed to be told twice when Bobless Fallheart needed help.
[Eridius]: We searched for half an hour before someone found her.
He stopped for a moment, staring at the desk.
[Eridius]: Or rather... what was left of her.
[Eridius]: She'd been murdered and thrown into a dog pen.
Alexander's smile disappeared.
Kuro slowly lowered her teacup.
[Eridius]: I won't describe what we saw. I still remember it clearly enough, and I don't particularly feel like ruining everyone's afternoon.
[Eridius]: My uncle stood there for a long time. He didn't shout. He didn't cry. He just stared at the little girl, then knelt down and carefully covered her with his coat.
[Eridius]: After that, he stood up.
[Eridius]: He ordered the dogs put down. Every last one of them. Then he went to the house, took his hunting hounds, and asked who was coming with him.
[Eridius]: Several of the workers followed. I followed, too.
[Alexander]: You were fourteen, weren't you?
[Eridius]: Yes. Fourteen and stupid enough to think that being a witness to something terrible was the same as being prepared for it.
[Eridius]: We searched for another hour before finding the man responsible. He wasn't hiding very well. He was sitting in an abandoned building, laughing to himself and describing what he'd done as if he'd accomplished something worth celebrating.
[Eridius]: I remember looking at my uncle. I expected him to explode. To start screaming. To beat the man to death right there.
[Eridius]: Instead, my uncle raised one hand.
[Eridius]: Everyone stopped.
[Eridius]: Then he looked at us and said, "Go home."
[Eridius]: One of the workers protested. He wanted to stay. Another asked whether we should call the authorities.
[Eridius]: My uncle didn't raise his voice.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "Take the others back to the farm. Tell my wife what happened, and make sure the children stay inside tonight."
[Eridius]: One of the men asked, "What about you, Bob?"
[Eridius as Bobless]: "I'll be along when I'm finished."
[Eridius]: Nobody moved.
[Eridius]: So he turned around and looked at us. For the first time since I'd known him, I saw something in his eyes that made me afraid of him.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "Listen to me carefully. That little girl trusted us. She believed this was a place where she could sleep without being afraid, where she could eat without worrying about tomorrow, and where the adults would protect her if something went wrong."
[Eridius]: He glanced toward the building.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "We promised her that. Every one of us did, whether we said it aloud or not."
[Eridius]: His voice remained steady, but his hands were shaking.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "I brought children into my home because the world had already given them enough reasons to be afraid. I told them they wouldn't have to face it alone anymore."
[Eridius]: He swallowed.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "And now one of them is dead."
[Eridius]: Nobody said a word.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "I don't care what this man thinks of himself. I don't care what excuse he gives, what he believes he deserves, or how he explains what he did. He knew she was a child. He knew she couldn't defend herself. And he chose to hurt her anyway."
[Eridius]: My uncle looked each of us in the eyes.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "You have families waiting for you. Children who need you. People who expect you to come home tonight. Go to them."
[Eridius]: Then he looked at me.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "You too, boy. This isn't something you need to carry."
[Eridius]: I should have listened.
[Eridius]: I didn't.
[Eridius]: The others eventually left. I walked far enough away to make him think I'd obeyed, then hid behind a wall where I could still see the entrance.
Alexander covered his mouth with one hand.
Kuro's ears twitched.
[Eridius]: My uncle went inside.
[Eridius]: The door closed.
[Eridius]: And then I heard screaming.
[Eridius]: I won't tell you what happened in that building. I won't pretend I understood it at fourteen, either. I only know that the man who went inside laughing wasn't laughing when my uncle finally came out.
[Eridius]: My uncle washed his hands at a pump outside. He stood there for a long time, staring at the water running over his fingers.
[Eridius]: Then he looked toward the farm and said something I'll never forget.
[Eridius as Bobless]: "I hope she knew she was loved."
[Eridius]: That was all.
[Eridius]: He went home, sat beside his wife, and held her while they cried. The next morning, he helped bury the little girl. He made sure every child on that farm had someone to sit with them at breakfast.
[Eridius]: And he never spoke about that night again.
Silence settled over the office.
Alexander had stopped smiling. Kuro's tea sat untouched on the table.
For a while, neither of them said anything.
Finally, Alexander spoke.
[Alexander]: ...That's a terrible story, Leader.
[Alexander]: I'm sorry you had to see that.
[Eridius]: So am I.
Kuro looked at Eridius, her expression unusually subdued.
[Kuro]: Your uncle sounds like a frightening man.
[Eridius]: He could be.
[Kuro]: But he also sounds like someone who loved those children.
[Eridius]: He did.
Eridius leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling.
[Eridius]: That's the thing about him. People who only heard the stories thought he was some kind of monster. The people who knew him understood that he'd spent his entire life trying to make sure the world didn't turn the children in his care into monsters.
He paused.
[Eridius]: He just couldn't save everyone.
For a moment, the office was quiet again.
Then Alexander slowly raised his hand.
[Alexander]: ...Can we hear another story sometime?
Eridius turned his head toward him.
[Eridius]: Are you insane?
[Alexander]: Maybe a little.
[Kuro]: I'd like to hear one, too.
[Eridius]: ...I'm surrounded by lunatics. Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you. Did either of you know that my uncle, Ahmad Da Angles Fallheart, owned a farm?
[Alexander]: Given your family history, I'm already concerned.
[Eridius]: Good. That means your survival instincts are improving. My uncle was a genetic engineer. A brilliant one, actually. The man could rewrite DNA like a child playing with building blocks. He once engineered a chicken that laid square eggs.
[Kuro]: Why?
[Eridius]: So they wouldn't roll off the table.
[Alexander]: ...That's actually somewhat practical.
[Eridius]: He also made a cow that produced chocolate milk.
[Alexander]: Finally! Something normal!
[Eridius]: It was dark chocolate. With seventy percent cocoa. The cow was lactose intolerant, diabetic, and had severe depression.
[Alexander]: HOW DOES A COW BECOME DEPRESSED?!
[Eridius]: It had to watch people enjoy the product of its suffering.
[Kuro]: ...I almost feel sorry for it.
[Eridius]: Don't. It ate my uncle's favorite hat and then refused to produce milk for three weeks as a negotiating tactic.
Anyway, his greatest achievement was a species of lizards that could produce milk.
[Kuro]: ...I'm sorry, what?
[Eridius]: Milk-producing lizards. He gave them the reproductive biology of mammals, the metabolism of dairy cows, and the attitude of angry geese.
[Alexander]: WHY WOULD YOU GIVE A LIZARD THE ATTITUDE OF AN ANGRY GOOSE?!
[Eridius]: He wanted them to be more assertive during milking.
[Kuro]: That doesn't explain anything!
[Eridius]: It explains why the farm had a dedicated medical team. The lizards came in twelve different breeds. There was the Alpine Creamback, which produced milk so rich it could clog an industrial pipe. The Desert Longtail, which could survive for six months without water but would scream like a kettle if you tried to milk it. And the Royal Spotted variety, which refused to produce anything unless you played classical music and addressed it as Your Majesty.
[Alexander]: Your uncle created a lizard that demands royal treatment?!
[Eridius]: No. He created seventeen. The first one reproduced before he could fix the problem.
[Kuro]: ...What did he do with them?
[Eridius]: Established a monarchy. It was easier than negotiating.
[Alexander]: I'M SORRY, HE DID WHAT?!
[Eridius]: The king's name was Sir Reginald the Third. He had a tiny golden crown and a very poor opinion of my uncle.
[Kuro]: This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
[Eridius]: Oh, don't worry. My uncle cured cancer as a side project.
[Alexander]: ...
[Kuro]: ...
[Alexander]: I'm sorry. He did what as a side project?
[Eridius]: He needed the grant money to continue his research into lizard mammary glands. Apparently, the funding committee was more interested in a universal cancer cure than in his proposed paper, Toward a More Economically Viable Reptilian Dairy Industry.
[Alexander]: And he just... cured cancer?!
[Eridius]: Well, yes. The committee gave him a Nobel Prize nomination, a research grant, and access to several top laboratories.
[Kuro]: Surely he was satisfied after achieving something that could save millions of lives?
[Eridius]: He used the prize money to buy more lizards.
[Alexander]: OF COURSE HE DID!
[Eridius]: His wife tried to make him retire. He responded by genetically engineering a lizard that could file tax returns.
[Kuro]: Why would a lizard need to file tax returns?!
[Eridius]: To prove it was legally an independent contractor.
[Alexander]: I need a drink.
[Eridius]: Make it two. We haven't reached the horse-dogs yet.
[Kuro]: The what?
[Eridius]: Horse-dog hybrids. Fully capable of speech, available in all sizes and breeds. Small ones could fit in a handbag. Large ones could pull a carriage. One of them could recite poetry in three languages.
[Alexander]: ...Why?
[Eridius]: My uncle wanted a pet that could fetch the newspaper, pull a plow, and discuss philosophy.
[Kuro]: Did it work?
[Eridius]: Almost. The first one learned to speak, looked my uncle dead in the eye, and said, "I refuse to work without a union."
[Alexander]: HA!
[Eridius]: My uncle spent six months negotiating its employment contract. The horse-dog won paid leave, weekends off, and a pension.
[Kuro]: I think I like that one.
[Eridius]: You shouldn't. It became the union representative for the entire farm.
[Alexander]: Wait. The lizards had a monarchy, and the horse-dogs had a labor union?
[Eridius]: Yes. The chickens attempted democracy, but it collapsed after the square-egg faction accused the round-egg faction of electoral fraud.
[Kuro]: ...
[Alexander]: ...
[Eridius]: And that, children, is why I don't visit my uncle's farm anymore.
[Alexander]: You can't just end the story there! What happened to the chickens?!
[Eridius]: A military coup. Led by a turkey.
[Kuro]: I'd like to hear another story.
[Eridius]: Naturally. Why wouldn't you? Apparently, neither of you has any instinct for self-preservation.
Alexander quietly handed Kuro some money.
[Eridius]: ...Are you two betting on how long it'll take before I mention another war crime committed by a farm animal?
[Alexander]: No.
[Kuro]: Yes.
[Eridius]: I'm going to start charging admission.
[Alexander]: You'd make a fortune.
[Eridius]: Knowing my luck, someone in my family would show up, genetically engineer the concept of money, and crash the economy.
[Kuro]: ...Can people do that?
[Eridius]: In my family? I'm not ruling it out.
Eridius leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling as though asking whatever gods were listening why they had made him this way.
[Eridius]: You know, now that I think about it, my uncle Ahmad might actually be the most normal person in my family.
Alexander slowly turned his head toward him.
[Alexander]: YOUR FAMILY HAS A LOWER STANDARD FOR NORMAL THAN THE BACKSTREETS?!
[Eridius]: Alexander, one of my relatives cured cancer for the sake of lizard breasts. The bar isn't low. The bar is buried underground, and someone genetically engineered a talking horse-dog to dig it deeper.
[Alexander]: THAT DOESN'T MAKE HIM NORMAL! THAT MAKES THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY A PUBLIC SAFETY HAZARD!
[Eridius]: You're missing the point. At least Uncle Ahmad's experiments had consistent goals.
[Kuro]: ...What does that mean?
[Eridius]: It means another uncle once spent eleven years trying to teach a potato how to feel disappointment.
[Alexander]: WHY?!
[Eridius]: He said the world needed a vegetable that understood him.
Alexander opened his mouth. Closed it. Then poured himself a cup of coffee.
[Alexander]: I'm not paid enough for this.
[Eridius]: You're not paid at all for this. You're here voluntarily.
[Alexander]: THAT MAKES IT WORSE!
[Kuro]: ...I'd like to hear another story.
[Eridius]: Of course you would.
He stared at Kuro for several seconds.
[Eridius]: You know, for someone who used to consider humans a convenient source of food, you have a disturbing appetite for psychological torture.
[Kuro]: I've learned from the best.
[Eridius]: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Alexander quietly took out his wallet.
[Eridius]: ...What are you doing?
[Alexander]: Calculating how much I can charge people to listen to your family history.
[Eridius]: Make sure to include a disclaimer.
[Alexander]: Which one?
[Eridius]: The café accepts no responsibility for mental damage, existential crises, or spontaneous genetic engineering inspired by the stories told here.
[Kuro]: Should we add a warning about talking farm animals?
[Eridius]: No. That would imply they're the strangest part of my family.
He sighed.
[Eridius]: And I refuse to give them that satisfaction.
[Chapter End]
[Author]: Looks like i have some time for myself.
[Life]: No, you don't. I cast sickness, headache, pain, overwork, painful eyes, throat burning, and a sick mom.
[Author]: {Screaming in pain}