Chapter 142: Gaytama
"Speaking of which, that prying gaze on me hasn't disappeared recently. Have I really been targeted by some stalker?"
Saitama walked down the street, always feeling a faint gaze fixed on him. As soon as he turned his head, that gaze would temporarily vanish.
"Alas, I became a hero for fun three years ago. To this day, I've defeated many villains. It wouldn't be strange for someone to hate me. Being hated isn't a big deal, but if this hatred and anger evolves into a twisted love, like in so many TV shows, how should I handle it then?"
"Gay rights are human rights!"
"Homosexuality should not be discriminated against!"
"Homosexuality is not a crime!"
Just as Saitama was lost in thought, a large group of protesters holding various pro-gay rights signs marched toward him down the street.
"Comrade, take a look at our leaflet. Homosexuality isn't as bad as you imagine. In fact, it has an indescribable comfort and a touch that's impossible to resist." A rugged man in a prison uniform with a face full of stubble stuffed a leaflet into Saitama's hand and shouted, "Homosexuality is the future!"
Saitama stared blankly at the leaflet in his hand and sighed after a long moment. This… how can I accept this twisted love?
Genos followed Saitama closely, his electronic eyes fixed on the leaflet in Saitama's hand, seemingly lost in thought. He took out his notebook and quickly wrote: "Do not discriminate between enemies!"
"Comrade, join us in spreading the word. We'll be giving out gifts at the end."
"Gifts?"
Saitama's eyes lit up, and he yelled at the top of his lungs, "Homosexuality is not a crime! Gay rights are human rights!"
Clatter!
The pen fell from Genos's hand. He frowned, seriously considering whether he should continue to be his disciple. *I, Genos, am a virgin!*
However, when he thought of his enemy's immense power, he gritted his teeth, picked up the pen, and after a moment of thought, wrote: "Sensei... is gay. I'll need to learn household chores like laundry and cooking from now on."
"Comrades, shout a little louder! After the parade is over, we will give away a gay magazine as a small gift!"
Saitama was dumbfounded. A gay magazine?
He turned and left. He was going to miss the supermarket sale!
But before he could even make it to the supermarket, it happened.
"Ahhh! There's a monster!"
"Hahaha, Scarlett Johansson, you can't escape my grasp."
A burst of arrogant laughter echoed down the street.
"Help!"
An exquisitely beautiful blonde woman with a stunning figure and fashionable clothes stumbled out of a coffee shop, pursued by a literal monster.
The monster's head was a video camera, its chest was a still camera, its sides were voice recorders, and its right hand was a tracker. Its entire body was composed of various pieces of paparazzi equipment.
"Is that Scarlett Johansson?"
"That's right! The actress who plays the wife of the strongest human in the 'Hero Alliance' movie, the one nicknamed the Emperor."
"I can't believe a movie star would come to this little coffee shop for coffee."
The citizens stared in astonishment at the chaotic scene. After a moment, it dawned on them—wait, that's a monster! They finally reacted and began to scream and run for their lives.
"Everyone, run!"
"Notify the Hero Association!"
"Cherish your life, stay away from movie stars!"
*Click-whirr!*
The monster followed closely behind the blonde woman. The camera on its head was recording continuously, while the one on its chest flashed repeatedly, printing out photos one after another.
"You can't escape! I am the Stalker Fiend! Ever since I became a paparazzo, I've painstakingly researched all kinds of tracking techniques. I became a monster because of my obsession! Hahaha, but becoming a monster isn't so bad. At least my tracking skills have improved immensely."
The Stalker Fiend chased the blonde woman, completely ignoring everyone else.
"Hey, that's not tracking, that's just chasing!"
An assertive voice suddenly cut through the screams of the fleeing crowd.
The Stalker Fiend instantly flew into a rage, like a cat whose tail had been stepped on. "Who?! Which bastard dares to question my tracking skills? I'll kill you!"
"Me!"
Saitama squeezed through the fleeing crowd, his bald head bobbing back and forth like a tumbler doll.
"Phew, finally got out."
After a moment, Saitama finally pushed his way out of the crowd, letting out a sigh of relief and looking quite pleased.
"Are you a monster too? An Egghead Monster?"
The Stalker Fiend looked suspiciously at the bald man who had just emerged from the crowd. *Is this guy one of us?*
"No, I'm a hero." Saitama crossed his arms and grinned. "I'm a hero for fun."
"A hero? I know you guys... the janitors who specialize in killing monsters. Speaking of which, after I'm done tracking this famous actress, Scarlett Johansson, I was going to go track the Strongest Man..."
Before the Stalker Fiend could finish speaking, a fist suddenly loomed large before its eyes, instantly reaching its head.
*Huh, whose fist is that? It's huge!*
*Bang!*
A single punch obliterated its head in a gory explosion.
Saitama shook his fist, flicking off some bits of flesh, and muttered, "I told you, I'm going to miss the supermarket sale, and you just kept rambling on."
"Hah... hah... thank you... thank you for saving me."
Scarlett Johansson looked at Saitama, slightly out of breath, her stunning face filled with gratitude.
"You're welcome."
Saitama shook his head and turned to head for the supermarket sale.
Seeing Saitama leave without a moment's hesitation, Scarlett Johansson's beautiful eyes lit up, and a strange glint appeared in them. *Such power, such a cool demeanor, oh...*
She was inexplicably smitten. As her heart raced, she hurriedly called out, "Excuse me, hero! I was wondering if I might have the honor of inviting you to... blow the flute with me tonight?"
Saitama paused, then waved his hand. "No time." *People are getting so cheap these days. For saving her life, she won't even treat me to a cabbage hot pot, but instead asks me to play the flute? I don't even know how. Besides, playing the flute can't be better than listening to music at home. That's way easier and sounds great.*
Clatter!
Genos's pen fell to the ground again.
"Hmph..."
He took a deep breath and wrote in his notebook, "Sensei... is gay +1."
…
"Hey, Child Emperor, have you found anything?"
King looked listlessly at Child Emperor, who was intently observing their surroundings. He would have much rather stayed at the Elegant Estate to play video games, but Child Emperor's words—"Uncle King, your powers of observation, reaction, and deduction are outstanding, you have to help!"—had left him speechless. *Since when was I that amazing?*
"Uncle King, where's Uncle Puri-Puri Prisoner? Why isn't he in the car?"
"Oh, he apparently went to join a gay pride parade nearby."
"What? Uncle Puri-Puri Prisoner is just slacking off."
In the car, Chain Toad was driving while Gunman sat in the passenger seat. King was in the back, and Child Emperor was frowning in thought. Bang and Superalloy Darkshine had stayed behind at the Elegant Estate to spar.
"Ah, a monster! Run!"
"Everyone, get away! Someone, notify the Hero Association!"
"A hero! Where's a hero?!"
A few citizens burst out from the street, panicking.
"Hmm? Looks like a monster has appeared?"
(end of chapter)