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An Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Vampire Lord

Pkkachu
7
chs / week
The average realized release rate over the past 30 days is 7 chs / week.
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Synopsis
All it took was one truck. The beloved truck-kun killed me and ruined my life. Or did it? Wait what's this, a beautiful angel is going to reincarnate me. NICE! But... why am I a vampire now? Hit by Truck-kun? Check. Met a beautiful angel? Check. Reincarnated as the world's savior? ...Not quite. Instead of a grand destiny, I've been dumped into a fantasy world as a bloodthirsty creature of the night. With zero gold to my name and angry mobs everywhere, my only hope for survival is a highly questionable, sarcastic system called An Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Vampire Lord. If I want to survive, I’m going to have to scheme, scam, and grind my way to the top. Watch out, world—this idiot is building an empire.
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Chapter 1 - So I Died

"Kaylee, get downstairs and go to the shop!"

I didn't even tear my eyes away from the screen. My thumbs were practically a blur on the controller as I navigated the chaotic warzone of Fall of Duty: Blue Ops 4.

"HEY MUM, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A RANKED MATCH! CAN'T LINZY DO IT?" I bellowed back, my voice cracking slightly.

There was silence, and not the good kind, either. The ominous, quiet-before-the-storm kind of silence.

A second later, the dreaded 'Connection Lost' icon popped up right in the centre of my screen.

No. She did not just yank the router cord.

My blood boiled. I was this close to Prestige 10. Do you know how many goddamn hours of grinding I put in today? Five. Five hours. I'd skipped lunch, ignored three texts from my mate Priya, and endured Linzy barging into my room twice to borrow my phone charger without asking. I'd built this ranking with my bare hands and pure, stubborn, slightly unhinged dedication.

School started tomorrow, meaning the console would be locked away all week. Mom had this rule — screens off during term time, which was absolutely barbaric and probably a human rights violation. I'd made a bet with my friends that I would hit the rank over the weekend. Winner gets a tenner from everyone in the group chat. That was forty quid on the line. Forty quid I absolutely needed because I'd pre-ordered a game last month without checking my bank balance first.

My inner monologue instantly cycled through a string of curses that would make me the Grandmaster of the Trash-Talk Sect. But out loud? I kept my mouth shut. Mom was the final boss of this house, and her aggro radius was huge. I'd learned that lesson the hard way — twice grounded in one month had a way of teaching you when to hold your tongue.

You're so lazy. Why can't you act like a lady? Why can't you be more like your sister? You're just as crass as your father.

I had heard that combo a thousand times, and the best bit was these responses were all my fathers fault. It was because of him that I had to deal with all of this.

Ever since my dad pulled the classic "going out for milk" routine and vanished, Mom harboured a burning resentment for anything remotely masculine. Naturally, being a hardcore tomboy who lived in oversized hoodies, cursed like a sailor, and shared my deadbeat dad's exact hobbies, made me her favourite human punching bag.

I get I could be annoying and rash at times, but comparing me with that sack of shit was like comparing a fish to a whale. Two aquatic creatures but very much different. I mean, all in all, while he was around he wasn't completely terrible. It didn't really bother me that he'd left his wife and kids suddenly for no reason.

It was wrong, but I could handle it. However, what I couldn't handle was that the bastard left without taking me as well, leaving me behind to deal with all of this nonsense alone. To deal with my mother and my sister.

Speaking about sisters. Ah, yes. Linzy. She was my older sister and the eternal golden child. Hyper-feminine, spoiled rotten, and the sole recipient of every shred of warmth Mom had left to give. Mom latched onto her like a parasite and Linzy soaked it up like a sponge.

Naturally, Linzy was aggressively lazy, which was especially absurd given she was the older one. You'd think the first born would have some sense of responsibility. Nope. A lifetime of pampering had stripped her of anything resembling a work ethic.

I genuinely felt sorry for whoever ended up marrying Linzy one day. They had a very, very hefty job ahead of them.

"Kaylee! Groceries! Now!" Mom's voice pierced the floorboards like a javelin. "Stop playing those violent boy games and make yourself useful!"

Critical hit. HP is at zero.

Realising my gaming night was officially dead, I threw my controller onto the bed with more force than was strictly necessary. The controller bounced off and hit the floor, as I trudged out of my room or what I'd like to call my sanctuary.

This room was the only blessed thing in this house. Four walls plastered in game posters, a desk buried under empty crisp packets and charging cables, a secondhand gaming chair that squeaked when you leaned back. It wasn't much, but it was mine, and I was leaving it to go buy groceries at nine o'clock at night like a medieval peasant sent to fetch bread.

If only I could just hit the reset button on my life. Maybe spawn in a different world entirely.

Down in the lounge, Mom and Linzy were curled up on the sofa, aggressively eating popcorn while weeping at a K-drama. The TV screen was all dramatic slow-motion glances and heaving shoulders. Neither of them so much as blinked when I appeared in the doorway.

Lazy shits, I thought, holding out my hand. "The money."

Mom slapped a crumpled twenty into my palm without looking away from the TV. "You know the list. And bring back the exact change. Hurry up."

I didn't need to be told twice. I grabbed my hoodie off the bannister, shoved my feet into my battered trainers, and bolted out the front door, just happy to escape the toxic zone.

The second the crisp night air hit my face, I breathed a sigh of relief. The streets were dead quiet, illuminated only by the orange glow of the streetlights and a stark, bright moon hanging low in the sky like it had somewhere to be. The whole neighbourhood felt still and hollow, like the world had pressed pause. Honestly? It felt like freedom. No nagging, no perfect sister, no looming threat of school tomorrow pressing down on my chest.

I shifted into a light jog, letting the cool breeze clear my head as I made my way down the road. The shop was only a five minute walk, less if I moved fast, and the night air was doing wonders for my mood. Maybe I'd grab myself a snack while I was in there with the money left over. Crisps, definitely. Yep, salt and vinegar, it was the least that I deserved.

I was mentally composing my argument for why the bet should still count — I was nearly at Prestige 10, that had to be worth something — when I reached the zebra crossing at the end of the high street.

The pedestrian light flickered, a little green man appearing on the screen.

Always practice road safety, I told myself sagely, stepping out with complete and total confidence onto the asphalt.

Which is why it was incredibly unfair when a massive, speeding delivery truck came drifting around the blind corner, its tyres shrieking against the tarmac, totally ignoring the red light and, more pressingly, me.

The blinding glare of the high beams was all I saw before the world flipped upside down, followed by a sickening crunch that I felt more than heard. The groceries list fluttered out of my hand. The twenty went with it. My consciousness began to slip away into the dark almost immediately, like someone was slowly turning down the volume on everything.

"Hey! Hey kid, are you okay?! Please respond!" a panicked voice yelled from somewhere above me, very far away.

I let out a weak, pathetic wheeze that might have been a laugh.

Okay? Does it look like I'm okay? You just ran me over with a fricking truck.

"HAHA... ha..." I coughed, my vision completely fading to black. "Looks like... game over... shame I never reached... Prestige... 10..."