Nothing really changed that is what I told myself at first. The same courtyard was there. The same noise was present. The same routines were being followed. The same people were moving from one place to another half-present and half-absorbed in whatever was on their screens.. Yet something was different. Not around the courtyard. Inside me the courtyard was still the same.
I did not notice it immediately the change inside me. It was not obvious it did not announce itself it did not feel like a shift or a realization or anything dramatic. It was quieter than that the change inside me. It showed up in moments the kind you do not pay attention to unless you have learned how to, the kind that happen in the courtyard.
That morning I walked into the courtyard like I always did, no phone in my hand no music in my ears, awareness, steady and practiced the same awareness I had when I was in the courtyard.. Before I even sat down my eyes moved automatically not scanning the crowd not observing everything like I used to looking for her the girl who was always in the courtyard.
I paused, for a second, not long enough for anyone to notice but long enough for me to feel it the feeling of looking for her in the courtyard. Why did I do that look for her in the courtyard? She was there place, same posture, notebook open, pen moving, completely present like always in the courtyard. Nothing unusual just her being in the courtyard.. Yet the moment I saw her in the courtyard something in me settled, not excitement, not relief just alignment the feeling of being aligned with her in the courtyard.
I sat down next to her in the courtyard like it was normal because it had become normal sitting next to her in the courtyard. That is the thing about routines they feel intentional at first forced, deliberate then one day they just become part of you and you stop questioning them like sitting next to her in the courtyard.
"Morning " she said, without looking up from her notebook in the courtyard. "Morning " I replied, simple, nothing special. It stayed with me longer than it should have the greeting in the courtyard. I opened my notebook in the courtyard ready to write, at least that is what I told myself but my attention was not fully there not scattered, just divided, between her and my notebook in the courtyard.
For the time in a while I was not only observing the world I was aware of her in the courtyard part of the world. I tried to focus wrote a lines stopped, looked up people walking, phones out conversations half-finished interrupted by notifications the usual, the same pattern I had been noticing for weeks in the courtyard time moving fast not because it actually was but because nobody was really inside it the courtyard.
Then I looked at her in the courtyard same stillness, same focus, no phone, no interruptions, no rush, presence, her presence in the courtyard. And that is when I realized something she was not just someone sitting next to me in the courtyard she was part of the reason this place felt different the courtyard.
I did not say anything did not need to. My attention shifted again not fully toward her in the courtyard just slightly enough to notice things I had not before the way she pauses before writing something important in her notebook in the courtyard the way her hand slows down when she is thinking in the courtyard the way she looks up not distracted, but intentional like she is observing, not escaping, the courtyard.
Small things, things, things I would not have noticed before the things she did in the courtyard.. Now they felt noticeable not important just noticeable, the things about her in the courtyard.. That was new noticing these things about her in the courtyard.
I caught myself looking again for a second then back to my notebook in the courtyard. "Do you ever feel like time changes depending on how you spend it?" I asked suddenly the question came out before I fully thought about it the question about time in the courtyard.
She stopped writing in her notebook in the courtyard looked at me not surprised, just attentive the attentiveness she had when she was writing in the courtyard. "It does " she said, ". Not because time changes, because attention does," the same attention she had when she was in the courtyard.
I nodded slowly "That is what I have been thinking " I said, "when I am distracted hours disappear. When I am focused even small moments feel real " the real moments in the courtyard. She closed her notebook slightly in the courtyard "that is because most people do not experience time " she said, "they consume it " the way people consume time in the courtyard.
That hit deeper than I expected consume it that is what it felt like, scrolling, watching jumping from one thing to another not living, just consuming the way people consume time in the courtyard. ". When you stop consuming?" I asked, the question about stopping consumption in the courtyard.
She looked at me for a second longer than usual said, "you start noticing what actually matters " the things that matter in the courtyard. Silence followed, not awkward, not forced, there the silence in the courtyard.
Not awkward there the silence between us in the courtyard. I looked back at my notebook in the courtyard. I did not write immediately because something had shifted, again not in a big way not enough to change everything but enough to feel it the shift in the courtyard.
Before I was building structure, consistency, then direction the direction in the courtyard. Now something else was starting to exist inside that structure something I was not trying to build something that was not part of the plan the plan in the courtyard. But it did not feel like a distraction that is what surprised me the most, the feeling of not being distracted in the courtyard.
It did not pull me away from my focus it did not break my routine it did not make me lose control the control I had in the courtyard. If anything it made everything feel more real the reality of the courtyard. The rest of the day passed normally classes, work, walking, the same structure I had built the structure of the courtyard.
Now there were small moments inside it that felt different looking up and seeing her already there hearing her say something simple sitting in silence without needing to fill it the silence in the courtyard. Nothing dramatic nothing just subtle the subtlety of the courtyard.
That night I wrote something in my notebook "not everything that matters feels intense some things just stay," the things that stay in the courtyard. I stared at the sentence for a while because it did not feel like something I forced it felt like something I noticed the noticing of the courtyard.
Maybe that is what this was, not a distraction, not a feeling I needed to define just something I was becoming aware of the awareness of the courtyard. The child, inside me did not react the way it used to, no rush, no craving, no confusion, curiosity, the curiosity of the courtyard.
And that felt right because for the time I was not chasing something I was just noticing it the noticing of the courtyard.. Maybe that is how real things begin, not loud not fast not overwhelming but quietly slowly subtly the subtlety of the courtyard.