"Aah, yes, Dungeons and Dragons. My new obsession for the day."
Lorimer, in his room and in dark robes, held a 20 sided die with a serious look on his face.
"Today, all my fates shall be decided with this die" said Lorimer dramatically "Thus, I roll for a scale of one to 20 on how good this will day be" he continued in a serious tone before throwing the dice and rolling a one.
Suddenly, the ground started shaking prompting Lorimer to look out of his window to see a giant head in the sky.
"SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!" It roared causing Lorimer to throw his 20 sided die out the window hitting someone in the face in the process.
"Ow!"
"SHUT UP!"
"...sorry"
Sadly, that wasn't the only dice nor was it the only time he'd throw something at someone.
xxXxx
"Lori!" Rick burst into Lorimer's room with little regard for privacy only too Lorimer waiting for him "what's with the robes and how long we're you waiting like that?"
"A few minut-" said Lorimer before Rick interrupted him
"Doesn't matter! c'mon, let's go, we're heading towards the pentagon!" Said Rick in a hurry
It was then that Lorimer flashed his 20 sided die with a dead serious look on his face.
"Uhm, are we supposed to be impressed or..." said Morty in confusion
"Should i go with Rick and Morty on this adventure?" Said Lorimer before rolling the die "two, fuck off."
"Seriously, this is your gimmick for the day?" Asked Rick in a disappointed tone and Lorimer nodded with a smile
"Yes"
"Oh my god, fine! Gimme that" said Rick before snatching the dice out of Lorimer's hand "I roll for persuasion."
"Four, not happening." Deadpanned Lorimer
Rick, frustrated by the dice, threw it out of the window and hit an innocent bystander. The same innocent bystander Lorimer hit.
"OW!...again."
""SHUT UP!"" Rick and Lori yelled at the guy in union
"...sorry...again."
"*sigh* Would it interest you if we cosplayed as DD characters?" Asked Rick pinching the bridge of his nose
"Usually, it would; but today, only the dice shall decide my fate" said Lorimer calmly
Rick groaned before walking with Morty in hand "Morty, let's go."
And with that, Rick and Morty went to garage to get to the pentagon.
"This dice is gonna get me either killed or hated for life" said Lorimer as he pulled out another dice "hmm, should i continue this challenge?"
Lorimer rolled the dice hoping to get a low roll, buuut-
"Of course, nat 20."
"Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school?" Summer asked
"If that's your first question, then maybe we need to get out of the education system." Said Lorimer dryly before taking a pause "...you know? I said that as a joke, but now that i look back at it it feels too real."
The Smith family, save for Rick and Morty, were now standing in front of their house staring at the giant head in the sky
"Yeah, Summer, it's not God." Commented Beth who was holding the red haired baby that was Morty Jr.
"She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey!" Jerry defended his daughter
"Shut up, Jerry." "Shut up, motherfucker." *baby noises*
"Ok...wait, did you just call me motherfucker?!" Asked Jerry angrily as he glared at Lorimer
Lorimer, unfazed by Jerry's supposed intimidation, gestured at Beth as if presenting her existence.
"Ha ha, real funny..." said Jerry with a frown as he crossed his arms around
Not a moment after, Rick and Morty were seen pulling out of the garage in Rick's spaceship. Beth turned to her father and asked.
"Dad, what do you know about this?" Asked Beth calmly
"Morty and I are going to look into it. You guys hold tight." Rick said before he and Morty blasted off
Soon, Morty and Lorimer's teacher, Mr Goldenfold appeared on a moped.
"Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi, I'm Morty's and Lorimer's teacher. I'm also part of the street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together." He said cheerfully
"How is praying going to help?" Asked Beth raising a brow in confusion
"Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you wanna play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!" Said Goldenfold before leaving
Lorimer stared at his teacher in disappointment as he left "Anything less than a 15 and i murder someone." He said before throwing the dice on the ground "fifteen...the world really wants to spite me today. Okay, time to go that shitshow."
"Thankfully, i don't have to go inside because this dice decided to cooperate for once." Said Lorimer as he stared at the church with x-ray vision
"Lori" Beth called Lorimer "why are you in a bush?"
"I'm surveying the situation from a safe distance." Said Lorimer calmly
"With a strawberry smoothie?" Asked Beth raising a brow
"...yes." Said Lorimer as he took a slurp out of his strawberry smoothie
"Well, can't you try to hel-"
"Wait, they're getting to the good part. They're starting a religion." Said Lorimer with a smile. "And it's leader is the principal of my school."
"So, you're not gonna do anything?" Asked Beth in shock
Lorimer didn't answer right away and rolled the d20 for answers. It landed on a 14.
"Maybe" said Lorimer with a shrug.
Things only escalated from there.
Aaaaaaa
"I LIKE WHAT YOU GOT! GOOD JOB!" Said the giant head in the sky with a happily
If only he didn't say it right after the principal who i shall not speak the name of begged him for mercy.
"Right, that did happen." said Lorimer calmly "just gotta wait until the heads leave us and everything will go just like the show."
"What show?" Asked Beth in confusion
Immediately regretting his decision, Lorimer began looking for something to say before Jerry entered the conversation.
"And what do you mean "go just like the show"?" He added causing Lorimer to sweat drop "you're acting suspicious..."
Lorimer in his panic, suddenly had an idea to deal with all of this...to say the truth!
"Well, the truth is, mother, father, I'm really just a reincarnated individual from another dimension where this world is but a mere cartoon and i have all knowledge of the future stored in my head and i act like a jerk to dad because, in the show, he only exists for the purpose of comic relief and thus i don't respect him." Said Lorimer dryly as he stared Jerry dead in the eye
Everything went silent, no one uttered a word in shock at what Lorimer had just said...until Jerry managed to recover.
"Screw you"
"Jerry!"
"What!? He's making fun of me!"
"But you can't just say that" Beth replied angrily
As the two continued arguing, Lorimer breathed a sigh of relief before going back to watching the principal pray loudly to the giant head.
"Now hold on a second, let's be rational about this." Said Beth whose conversation with Jerry got interrupted by the loud praying.
The moment Beth said that, everything stopped. Everyone looked at Beth as if she had just said oops in a nuclear power plant.
And soon, the head just...disappeared...
And then earth was teleported to place where giant floating heads were as common as rain drops.
"The head has left and sent its children!" Said the principal who shall not be named in panic before he started praying aggressively (lol)
"Holy CRAP!" exclaimed Beth in shock as the people including Summer began praying
"*sigh* this was fun before it got serious. Screw those stupid heads. I'll just go ho-" said Lorimer before he realized what he just said. So, without moving another inch he rolled the dice "should i protect myself from them?...a one...god damn it."
"It's Heads damn it, now!" Was the last thing he heard before he, was taken away.
In the field outside the church, everyone was dressed in robes and head hats. The principal who shall not be named was holding a homemade satellite on a stick with an earbud.
"Hello? Yes sir, yeah. Thank you sir, thank you. He says he's proud of what we're doing and hopes we have a great ascension festival! Happy ascension!" Said the principal cheerfully
"Okay, so why am i in this cage and how did you make it so fast?" Asked Lorimer with a frown. "How did you make these costumes and merchandise so fast?!"
"It is because of your insult to the great heads." Said Summer calmly
"We should really pack our bags and leave." Suggested Beth
"I think it's inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. If you'd stop being such an evangelical atheist, you might start enjoying yourself." Said Jerry
"You're just happy I'm in a cage" said Lorimer and Jerry nodded with a smile before Lorimer rolled the dice dejectedly "should i beat them or join them? Ten or less i beat them, eleven or more i join them and change classes to paladin for the head overlords."
Why does he do this to himself?"
"a nat 20. These dice are evil." Said Lorimer before turning to the sky "time to put on a show."
He pulled out a pill from his pocket and swallowed it before focusing intently on one of the giant heads...and entering their mind.
"WHO ARE YOU?"
"I am but a humble cleric looking for a deity to add to my character sheet." Said Lorimer dramatically
"...WHAT?" Asked the head in confusion
"Uh, basically i want you to lend me your powers so i can smite my enemies ages 6 to 11" said Lorimer calmly
"OKAY...SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!"
"Straight to the point. Not even caring about the reference, okay." Said Lorimer before summoning an odd lake and a guitar to the head's mindscape "this is the most glorious song i know, so be ready."
"I was bored and kinda horny figured I'd pick up a book. Found the necronomicon, thought i should take a look"
(I'm not gonna write the rest of the song because you should look it for yourselves if you haven't already)
"Lorimer! Wake up!" Beth called out in a panic
"You know? If he was less rude, he wouldn't be floating in the air on a balloon right now." Commented Jerry before getting a smack on the head and a glare from Beth
"We need to get him down!" Exclaimed Beth before lightning was heard
"Uhh, Beth?" Said Jerry as he pointed at an asteroid-like object heading straight towards Lorimer.
Everyone who saw it, waited for the impact believe it to judgement from their new masters. Little did they know, it was a reward.
Lorimer effortlessly caught the asteroid-like object as it approached him, it was a futuristic looking sword with a floating head carved onto it, proof of its origin.
"Let's begin"
"And that's how i managed to enslave the entire neighborhood for a few hours." Said Lorimer proudly as he sat on a throne
""You what?!"" Exclaimed Rick and Morty at the same time
"And i gained a cool sword in the process." Said Lorimer happily
"Bullshit!" yelled Rick angrily
"We saved the planet and YOU get the cool badass sword and a throne!" Said Morty angrily with a frown
"Stay mad" said Lorimer with a smirk
"Fuck you and your stupid references! Nobody gets them anyways!"
The booing only managed to inflate Lorimer's ego even further until Rick made him shut up by flashing comic books that don't exist and will not exist in this dimensions.
In the end, Lorimer had to beg for them and everyone called it even.