SF Chapter 08: TAHM Pilot II
Charlie and Daniel were sitting on the couch in the living room near the entrance of the Malibu house, while Alan was ranting, unloading all of his frustration.
"Twelve years, and she just throws me out," he revealed angrily. "I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows? You know - 'Till death do us part.'"
He continued, exasperated, "Who died? Not me. Not her." He gestured emphatically with his arms.
Charlie asked, completely unrelated to what his brother was upset about, "How did you get into my house?"
"Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks," Alan explained logically. "Not sitting on your welcome mat."
"He's right, Charlie," his other brother agreed, taking a bite of one of the cheeses from the board of artisanal cheeses with fruits and honey.
Charlie defended himself, "Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk."
Daniel shrugged. "Well, my room has a lock, and my entire suit collection is very well protected," he stated, making it clear what really mattered to him.
"As for the rest, if it got stolen, it was just a matter of calling the insurance company and buying everything again."
"And yet I walked in on you," Alan remarked, a little frustrated.
"Oh, I was using the guest room," Daniel pointed out unfazed. "My actual room is farther back, where a third bedroom was built."
The Malibu house had been expanded with an extra bedroom compared to the original floor plan. It was even bigger than Charlie's room.
Charlie grabbed one of the cheeses and ate it as well. "Where did you get all this stuff?"
"From the dinner Mitchell made. He got a girl," Daniel said while picking up a piece of fruit. The earlier activities had made him hungry again.
"What???" Charlie and Alan exclaimed, since they knew their cousin was gay.
Daniel clarified, "He adopted a baby girl. Her name is Lily."
The two shot him a look, knowing he had phrased it that way on purpose.
"Oh, so Mitchell adopted a girl," Alan muttered thoughtfully. "I always wanted a girl," he confessed with a slight smile, though there was a hint of envy in his voice.
"Well, if you had listened to Claire and me, it would be you in that place, not Cam," Charlie remarked.
Daniel chuckled lightly. "That would've been some serious bro-love," he joked.
Alan glared at his two brothers. "I'm not gay!"
Charlie poked him again. "And you wouldn't have been kicked out by your wife today."
Suddenly, Alan realized the topic had completely shifted and went back to his initial rant about his wife.
"Oh, you needed to remind him again, bro," Daniel complained lightly, taking a sip of his juice.
[Charlie and Alan commentary]
"When we were kids, we had a much closer relationship with our cousins - in this case, Claire and Mitchell," Charlie commented, talking about part of their past.
He added, "I had a great relationship with Cousin Claire-"
"A bit more than great," Alan, who was sitting next to him, snorted. "Did you ever-"
Now it was Charlie's turn to cut his brother off. "I don't know what you're talking about, Alan."
Then he went on, "We kind of formed an alliance because we had the same problem - demon moms or aunts. But we grew apart at some point. She went to college, I did my stuff..."
"There's also the reason you slept with all her best friends," Alan scoffed again, earning a glare from his brother.
He ignored it and continued, "Oh, and there's also the fact that our mother married her dad, also known as our mother's sister ex-husband," Alan deadpanned, "turning every family reunion into hell."
"Or even more hellish," he corrected.
Charlie nodded, staring ahead. "Satan and Lucifer for you!"
[Commentary ends]
Alan continued ranting about being kicked out of the house. "You know, I'm a good husband. I'm faithful," he stated, with a certain moralism in his voice.
"Is she?" Charlie raised an eyebrow.
"Is she what?"
"Faithful."
"Don't be ridiculous." Alan let out some very nasal snorts. "Judith doesn't even like sex."
"Huh, no wonder Judith always had that face, like she was constantly constipated whenever I saw her," Daniel muttered.
"And I don't trust people who don't like sex," he commented. "If you don't like it, it's because you're doing it wrong!"
Alan glared at his younger brother. "Not everyone is a degenerate like you two."
"Hey, sex releases substances like endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, prolactin, and it reduces cortisol," Daniel argued scientifically, before adding, "and beautiful boobs are good for your eyes!"
Both he and Charlie exchanged a side high five.
Alan took a deep breath and sighed. "And Jake. This could really mess Jake up."
Charlie made a confused face. "Jake?"
"My son."
"Teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days," his brother dismissed.
"He's ten," Daniel corrected this time. "He's the same age as Luke."
But before anyone could say anything else more, a woman came out of Charlie's bedroom and started going down the stairs.
"Charlie, I'm going to go."
"No!" he tried to stop her.
"You two need to talk. I'll call you tomorrow." Laura was already opening the front door and glanced at Alan. "I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife."
Charlie tried again, "Come on, you leaving isn't going to bring them back together again."
But Laura closed the door and left.
"Look, this is just until things settle down," Alan softened. "A couple of days, max. She'll come to her senses," he said.
"Yeah. That's what women do," his brother replied, not believing it much. "Look, you can have the other guest room. I'll grab some sheets."
"That's okay. I brought my own," Alan revealed.
Daniel turned to him, weirded out. "You brought your own sheets?"
"I like my sheets."
"Oh, well," he shrugged, walked to the kitchen, and came back with two glasses and a bottle of wine.
"Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, duty is calling, since Laura's younger sister is still here," Daniel said with a slight smirk.
"Wait, so you two?" Alan pointed at the brothers.
"Yeah - sister-sister, mother-sister, sister-aunt. We love family activities," Charlie grinned.
After Daniel disappeared down the hallway, Charlie also started heading up to his room. "Good night, Alan."
"No, wait," he stopped his brother. "I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other."
Charlie stopped halfway up the stairs. "What do you want to talk about, Alan?"
"I don't know. I was named Chiropractor of the Year by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association," he revealed.
"Okay, then. Good night." He started going up again.
"No," Alan stopped him once more. "Charlie, what about you? What's going on with you?"
"Well, Alan, there's not much to say." Charlie crossed his arms. "I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach."
He finished, "and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make a big pitcher of margaritas for Daniel and me, and take a nap out on the sundeck."
Alan looked at him and let out a nasal "huh." "Okay, then. Good night, Charlie."
"Good night."
Alan still had to listen to a few moans coming from the other guest room as he walked down the hallway. It seemed his younger brother was going even wilder.
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