Act V. Mythical War in North America: E Pluribus Unum.
"Hey, kid. Well, have you cooled down yet?"
Ritsuka's group performed a leishift to the year 1783, finding themselves in the middle of an unnamed thicket somewhere in the forests of America.
"No," he grumbled.
Deadpool, noticing that Ritsuka was still in a bad mood after the incident in Chaldea, tried to lighten the mood with a carefree whistle, but the guy just grunted sullenly – the offense clearly hadn't passed.
"Come on, I just took off my clothes. I didn't touch you with my finger! Why would I covet your innocence and chastity? Now, if it were Mash in your place..."
"What?!" Mash, walking ahead, flinched, blushing.
"What do I have to do with it?!"
Deadpool's tactlessness threw her into such confusion that she just shook her head desperately, trying to hide her embarrassment.
"In short... uh... fine. Damn it. I admit, I was wrong," Deadpool sighed dramatically. "Change your anger to mercy, kid. We're in the States for once! Let's enjoy the trip, ha-ha, all that."
"And whose fault is it that we're not laughing..." Ritsuka grumbled.
He was still angry at the main culprit of this frosty atmosphere, but he understood: he couldn't fix the Singularity in this state. Besides, this was already the fifth correction point. Previous experience suggested that it would be much more dangerous here than before, and things definitely wouldn't go smoothly.
"Senpai, don't be angry," Mash smiled gently at Ritsuka. "Mr. Pool apologized, and Da Vinci-chan probably gave him a good thrashing."
As soon as Ritsuka met her gaze, the ice in his soul melted, and his face involuntarily brightened.
"Only this time," he conceded.
The same cozy aura settled between them, which Deadpool immediately sensed. Grinning with satisfaction, he thought that his clumsy plan to bring the couple closer was working after all, and gave them both a thumbs-up.
"Wait. Do you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"Yeah, I hear it. A trumpet blast?"
As soon as they had reconciled and reached the edge of the forest, the woods trembled from the sound of a horn. The powerful, resonant call clearly announced the beginning of a battle.
"Sounds like a skirmish."
"Or a full-scale war."
Lost in conjecture, the group emerged from the forest shadows, and before them lay the endless American prairie, which had become the arena of a grand battle.
"Are we sure we time-traveled to 1783?" Mash asked uncertainly.
"I think so..." Deadpool himself doubted. According to history books, the war for independence against Britain should have already ended with the colonists' victory in 1783. Peace should have reigned on American soil, but the spectacle below did not resemble the end of a conflict in the least.
Moreover, a single glance at the armies on the left and right was enough to understand: this Singularity was perverted and distorted to the extreme.
"It seems like not armies, but epochs themselves clashed here..." Ritsuka whispered.
The army on the right looked archaic even for the eighteenth century. Despite the existence of firearms, the warriors, clad in ancient armor, fought with swords, shields, spears, and bows, adhering to the tactics of long-gone times.
"Senpai! Look! There!" Mash pointed to the left flank.
There, rows of painfully familiar silhouettes entered the fray. Metallic bodies, slightly shorter than she remembered, but this inhuman appearance and massive hammers... They were strikingly similar to Babbages' steam engines from the previous Singularity.
"How did Mr. Babbage get here?"
"No, look closer. It's not him," Deadpool cut in.
Mash squinted. Instead of dark green coloring, there was a tricolor of blue, white, and red. And in their hands, instead of hammers, there were machine guns.
"But... they're identical."
"Eerily similar," Ritsuka confirmed.
They exchanged bewildered glances. Charles Babbage had been summoned by M and Zolken, fought against them under mental control, and eventually disappeared. Who then created an entire army using his likeness?
"We'd better get out of here while we can. We don't need any more trouble..."
Deadpool didn't finish speaking: bullets whistled overhead. The reconnaissance group of the left army, guarding the flank from surprise attacks, discovered the uninvited guests.
"Well, I jinxed it," the mercenary cursed.
It was too late to run. The enemy was armed and had already opened fire – all that was left was to fight.
"Senpai, cover me!"
"Mash, you protect the kid, that's the priority. And I'll charge into the thick of it," Deadpool said with surprising seriousness, drawing his twin swords from behind his back.
"Identification code... scanning impossible... status: intruders... eliminate..." the mechanical soldiers, their golden lenses blinking, aimed their barrels at the target. The five robots opened fire in unison, spewing lead.
"Remember the good old days!" Deadpool shouted.
He spun in a whirlwind, drawing Xs with his blades and deflecting the bullets flying at him. His experience as an elite mercenary, combined with incredible reflexes and intuition, allowed him to perform the impossible.
"Ouch! Ow! Oof! Damn it!"
Apparently, he couldn't keep up with the speed of the bullets: his movements became chaotic, and in the end, he simply spat on fencing and took the hail of metal upon himself. Deadpool only cried out in pain, but continued to charge forward until he closed the distance and, with one swing, cut the nearest robot's machine gun in half.
"Loss of armament... recovery impossible... retreat to main forces..."
Sticking his blade directly into the lens, where the computational center was presumably located, Deadpool disabled the machine. As the two neighboring robots retargeted him, he used the limp iron carcass as a shield.
"I used to deflect everything... Ouch! My butt!"
Feeling several bullets dig into his posterior, Deadpool literally "shot" them back with a single muscle effort, then re-gripped his sword in reverse and threw it at the next enemy.
The blade went precisely into the ocular. While the last of the group continued to rain lead on everything around, Deadpool, deflecting with his second sword, got close and stuck two of his "pineapple" grenades – one on the machine gun, the other directly on the mechanism's "face."
"Here's your pineapple smoothie!" he chuckled.
The explosion blew the machine to pieces, scattering gears across the prairie. Two remained.
"Ha-a!"
As a robot began to press in on Mash, not ceasing fire, she sharply closed the distance and struck with her shield. Mash finished off the unbalanced machine with a jump, bringing the edge of her massive weapon down on it.
"Senpai, duck!"
Spinning sharply, she launched her shield, giving it a furious spin. The heavy disc flew over Ritsuka's head as he ducked and slammed into the last robot trying to flank the guy. The shield went so deep into the chassis that it instantly severed all cables, and the machine froze into a heap of scrap.
"Phew... A fight right from the doorstep. Well, a good warm-up."
"We need to get out of here, and fast," Mash picked up her shield. "If we linger, we'll get pulled into the main meat grinder."
Mash's hopes were not to be fulfilled – as soon as she finished speaking, they were discovered. With devilish accuracy, this time they were spotted by scouts from the right flank.
"Are you serious?" Deadpool exclaimed, not hiding his irritation at the absurdity of the situation. "How can you get caught by two different armies in a row? Is that even legal?"
Complaining was useless: since they had been revealed, there was nowhere to retreat.
"We'll have to fight again. Senpai!"
Mash raised her shield, showing no trace of fatigue. Ritsuka also tensed inwardly, preparing for battle.
"Yeah, the situation is screwed, no choice!"
Deadpool drew his pistols and rushed towards the scouts dressed in ancient armor.
One of the soldiers, armed with a shield and sword, swung for a blow with a furious cry, but the mercenary nonchalantly dodged and put a bullet straight into his chin. Then came an attack from two axemen. Deadpool deliberately scuffed the soles of his boots on the ground, raising a cloud of dust, and with a precise kick sent the dirt into their faces. Blinding the enemies, he instantly made neat ventilation holes in their temples.
"Mr. Pool is good," Mash, covering Ritsuka from behind, watched his work with amazement. "If you forget his antics, he's truly a first-class mercenary."
"It seems he's acting differently than usual now..."
Everyone was used to seeing Deadpool as just a walking disaster, an eccentric jester who could drive both enemies and allies to the brink. But behind the mask of this "red irregular" hid a seasoned professional and a ruthless killer.
"Mash! Come here."
The fight ended quickly. The wounded Deadpool recovered before their eyes and beckoned the girl. When Ritsuka and Mash ran up, he pointed to the bodies of the fallen enemies.
"Do you understand who these guys are?"
"It's hard to say... Doctor, these soldiers are armed in a way that's completely out of sync with the era, right?"
In response to Mash's question, an image of Roman appeared on Ritsuka's bracelet. At first, he almost threw up at the sight of the corpses, but he quickly regained his composure and examined the equipment. Even for the 1700s, their appearance was too archaic.
[This is Celtic attire. So, Mr. Pool and you fought Celts. And ancient Celts at that.]
Mash nodded thoughtfully, realizing the scale of the problem.
"So, in this singularity in 1783, the war is not for American independence, but against an ancient Celtic people. And our enemy is the Celts."
Deadpool, resting his chin on his hand, pondered for a moment.
"But we just rolled over the mechanical soldiers of the American army, who are supposed to be our allies. That turned out badly."
[Not entirely. The fact that they might be allies is just a theory. It's quite possible that both sides are hostile to us.]
Roman's assumption did not inspire optimism. Finding helpers in such conditions would not be easy. While the others were thinking, Deadpool tore off a piece of cloth from a slain warrior's clothing and, producing a marker from somewhere, began to draw something with enthusiasm.
"Mr. Pool, what are you doing?"
Instead of an answer, the mercenary proudly displayed his creation.
"The Stars and Stripes flag! For starters, let's try to approach the masters of this land as friendly as possible. We'll see if they are friends or enemies, or just have a man-to-man talk."
With these words, Deadpool unceremoniously stuck the rag with the drawn flag directly onto Mash's chest.
"Mr. Pool?!" she exclaimed, recoiling and instantly blushing from such a touch.
"What? What's wrong? It should be hung where it's most visible! What were you thinking with your girlish thoughts? Calm down. Yes, your chest is soft and appetizing, just to the taste of this young man. But I have something else to squeeze besides you!"
"And... what do I have to do with it?!" Ritsuka exclaimed, turning away to hide his embarrassment.
"Listen here. To think that you can't touch a woman's chest is a stereotype. When I kill, I don't ask for gender. I'm for complete gender equality!"
The discussion had clearly gone off track, but the essence was clear: they decided to try to join the American side.
"Okay, now I'll put on my flag, and we'll go surrender..."
Deadpool didn't finish speaking. A frighteningly familiar yet alien presence filled the air behind them.
"Wade?"
"Mr. Pool!"
Mash and Ritsuka also felt it and froze in tension. Deadpool, without turning around, said with unusual seriousness:
"You two, get to the left army. Quickly."
"What? But..."
"I'll catch up! Hurry!"
Obeying his commanding shout, Mash grabbed Ritsuka's hand and dragged him towards the American troops' position. Ritsuka ran, unable to take his worried gaze off the mercenary left behind.
"Such undisguised hostility. Did you find out I slept with your mother?"
Throwing a taunting challenge, Deadpool turned around. From the black haze, a monster in bizarre spiked armor materialized. Although the "monster" was humanoid, his dark skin and feverishly burning red eyes were frightening. But most terrifying was the long spear the color of congealed blood, exuding an unspeakable curse.
"I haven't seen you before," said the tall man, whose silhouette seemed even more massive due to his black cloak. He pointed the scarlet spear at his opponent. "Are you an enemy?"
"Well, I'm in 'red,' in a 'very' dark forest, and I just 'beautifully' dismantled your guys... So yes, I'm your 'blood' enemy."
Deadpool was clearly pleased with his pun, although his rapping talents left much to be desired. The man with the scarlet spear grinned broadly.
"That's great. I was just looking for someone who could kill me."
"Deal. I'll take your head off before your drink gets cold, and I'll have it for dessert."
Deadpool drew his twin swords and took a stance.
"Allow me to introduce myself. The strongest spearman in the world. Spear of Madness. King-Tyrant. Cú Chulainn."
Cú Chulainn pointed the tip of his bloody spear directly at the enemy's heart.
"And I am the sexiest Canadian in the world. A madman by the grace of God. And your new daddy. Deadpool."
Both lunged forward simultaneously, and an explosion echoed on the edge of the forest.