Natsuki Subaru Had Died.
I opened my eyes.
Indeed… I had returned to the start.
For a moment, I really wanted to stalk everyone. Watch the world like a spectator. Confirm every small detail, every shift, every divergence.
But I controlled myself.
I had eternity.
I could try infinite times to reach the same conclusion.
Right now, I first had to fin—
No.
Create an ability.
Yes.
Eeread didn't even give me anything. I had to make one myself.
Or maybe… I was deluding myself into thinking that my first goal was finding or creating an ability.
Well, who cares?
I had an eternity.
But even so, I would never believe I truly had an eternity. There could be a situation that bypassed Return by Death. I remembered that Al was sure that if Subaru was dropped into the Great Waterfall's geyser… he could be removed.
The more I thought about it, the more excited I felt.
A true end, even after knowing so many things… would be something I was actually looking forward to.
(AN: A manic, yes, I know. But a cautious manic is who my MC is.)
Anyway.
Let's focus on my research from the previous loop.
It would take 32 years for my gate to develop properly, at least for someone somewhat gifted.
I studied.
I created.
I pushed.
Over time, I developed three new spells, ones related to quantum physics and space manipulation, combined with the spells Subaru created. I was already becoming a powerful mage… even though my gate itself wasn't truly powerful yet.
I abused my spirit affinity to its absolute limit.
And I learned something important:
It would take me 72 years to raise a lesser spirit into a spirit that could rival the power of a Great Spirit.
Then… I married.
A beautiful girl. Average in talent, but kind. Human.
She became the mother of my children.
And then I discovered something that disturbed me far more than I expected.
None of my children had any affinity for spirits.
Not even a trace.
That meant only two things.
Either my genes were weak…
Or…
My spirit affinity itself was fake.
(AN: I know it may be a bad decision to make the MC marry someone, but I just wanted to remove this possibility. Will she or his children get any spotlight later on? :) Good news: I'll make sure she will be back… though not now or anytime soon. (I spoiled?))
Fake affinity…
Who gave it?
Or rather…
Why did Subaru have it?
How was it even possible to create spirit affinity?
I wanted to learn.
Maybe I should try contracting a Great Spirit…
But not Beatrice.
Not in this loop.
Meeting Beatrice meant increasing the chances of Roswaal discovering me.
Even though I acted like it was because of Roswaal, that wasn't the truth.
I didn't want Beatrice to have false hope.
And I didn't want to use her.
Only someone like Julius or Subaru deserved her.
I hope you live a good life, Beatrice.
(AN: Thought he would have no emotions and will do everything for the goal? Then I think you were wrong, my friend. I didn't love Re:Zero because of its characters or story alone… rather the emotions I felt while watching Re:Zero. So, it's a given that I will try to replicate it.)
I thought for a minute.
Then I went back to studying Yin Magic.
1 LOOP LATER
Another 80 Years.
I still couldn't find a way to stop time in my body.
And that made me wonder.
Just what kind of attainment did Satella have in Yin Magic?
To stop not just the time of her own body…
But literal time of the whole world.
??? LOOPS LATER
He had forgotten everything.
Or rather…
He had made himself forget everything.
To pursue the same goal for all eternity.
And after an unimaginable amount of time…
He finally found a way.
A way to stop time in his body.
He killed himself with this knowledge.
After thousands of loops, he had gone numb to pain. Numb to death itself. In his eyes, living and dying had become the same thing.
Nothing could hurt him anymore.
Not even eternal suffering.
After killing himself, he returned to the capital again.
A sight he had seen uncountable times.
But this time…
He wasn't alone.
A letter was waiting for him.
RIGHT BEFORE THE 1272ND LOOP
I'm starting to lose my memories in the study.
Slowly, I will lose myself…
But my study of Yin Magic has reached a stage where this is possible.
Just before dying, he wrote two notes.
The first note said:
"You are Natsuki Subaru. Pursue studying Yin Magic until you find a way to stop time in your own body. When you are finished… all you have to do is use this spell: 'Why Must I Be The Only One Who Goes Back In Time?' And always remember to write the second letter at the end of every life. Do not try to understand it before completing the goal."
And the second note said only two words:
"Natsuki Subaru."
(AN: Umm, I think I made it confusing, so let me explain. In loop 1272, Subaru learned how to transfer at least a single shard of memory along with him… that memory being the letters. So, when Subaru forgot himself, all he remembered were those two letters. But he wasn't allowed to understand the letter of his own existence yet. Writing extra letters was just him being cautious. Hope this explains everything.)
BACK TO THE PRESENT
This time…
He tried to understand it.
And in an instant, his mind was flooded with feelings.
Feelings he hadn't felt in so long that he didn't even recognize them at first.
Love.
Happiness.
Peace.
Fulfillment.
Everything seemed… colorful.
The note contained something impossible.
It contained the entire existence called "Natsuki Subaru."
To write one's existence…
One must know themselves completely.
Every side.
Every flaw.
Every desire.
Every contradiction.
And when someone achieves that…
Their existence can be passed down to someone else.
But the cost…
Was losing themselves.
So I gave up everything…
But I still remembered to do this.
I swallowed.
And the words came out, not from my mouth, but from the bottom of my soul.
"You were an amazing guy… Natsuki Subaru."
To inherit another existence, one must forget their own.
Maybe… I was also amazing.
He looked up at the sky.
Today was the day Natsuki Subaru learned a way to essentially live forever by himself.
He had achieved a way to exist…
And not exist.
....
If one studied Yin Magic long enough, they would learn something.
Yin Magic controlled space and time.
And if you pushed it far enough…
You could manipulate particles.
Particles.
The smallest things in the universe.
Everything was made of them.
If one could control every single particle in a stone, they could essentially turn it into water—by rewriting the arrangement of those particles.
But do not mistake it for something simple.
Even a 1 cm³ quartz pebble could contain around 10²⁴ particles.
Septillion.
So much information that it would be billions of times more than the entire current internet.
And that was only a pebble.
Now imagine a human body.
Something constantly changing—aging, healing, decaying, shifting.
The information required was impossible to measure.
But I still did.
10²² GB.
Not bytes.
Gigabytes.
This much information…
Even for a genius…
Even for a supercomputer…
Even for an entire civilization…
Was impossible.
A human mind could never store that.
Even if you compressed it to the absolute limit, it still wouldn't work.
It was too much.
We could not compress the information required to do the tricks I wanted.
And even if I could store it…
I would never be able to process it.
Not in a million years.
Normally, it would be impossible.
But this was a world with magic.
And I had time manipulation.
Space manipulation.
There was nothing that couldn't be done.
If I slowed down time for myself—not stopped it, but slowed it…
Then I could temporarily gain processing power equal to trillions of years in a single second.
Then I could use space manipulation to increase the space in my brain, letting me store more information.
But there was a limitation.
A cruel one.
Mana.
You would need an insane amount of mana to perform this.
The number was too high to even predict.
That was why even if I could stop the particles in my body and keep them intact…
It would only be temporary.
Generating that much mana was impossible.
So I would have to rely on my friend.
Return by Death.
How did Satella use this trick forever?
There was a theory.
The Shadow Garden.
It could be an embodiment of Yin Magic itself.
A symbolism.
It gave her infinite attainment.
But even so…
It would still require power to actually use it.
That power could be miasma.
Either her authority, or the Shadow Garden itself, was generating insane amounts of it.
Anyway…
If my theory was right…
I needed miasma.
A very large amount.
But even before that…
I needed to compress it.
Because if the amount I needed leaked outside…
It would cover the entire world.
So I compressed it.
The density increased.
And now I could store it without destroying the world.
I created a small dimension between myself and the world.
A hidden space.
A pocket reality.
That would be where all my miasma would reside.
I didn't need luck.
I didn't need opportunity.
I didn't need love or hatred.
I didn't need anything.
I would slowly achieve everything there was to achieve.
I wouldn't stop at knowledge.
I would try to achieve everything.
....
I had everything.
I lived eighty years to let my gate grow.
I practiced the Flow Method every day.
I opened my personal dimension.
And then I began using the miasma to slow down time.
Even after an unimaginable amount of time…
I still couldn't stop time completely.
To stop time for even ten seconds…
I estimated I would need more than a thousand times what I currently had.
He hesitated.
Was it worth it?
He had already killed himself twice in ways that were real deaths.
Deaths where nothing was preserved.
No memories.
No knowledge.
Only the will passed down.
Only the personality remained.
He had nothing of himself left.
But he remembered the goal.
So he began expanding the space between his neurons.
But he kept them connected.
Using a spell similar to Beatrice's Door Crossing.
He started learning every particle he had.
Memorizing the structure.
Recording it.
Then…
He stopped them.
Even if he couldn't stop time…
He could stop their rotation.
Even theoretically, this was impossible.
You cannot stop something random.
If you do, it breaks laws.
So how did he do it?
He used time manipulation to fool the particles.
He made them "think" they were spinning.
Even though they weren't.
Then he stopped them.
And killed himself.
I opened my eyes.
I was again at the start.
I looked back.
Now I had nothing.
I truly had nothing.
I used my one chance to bring something back in time.
The cost was…
Losing all my memories.
Everything I worked for.
Everything I built.
Everything I sacrificed.
Everything I suffered for.
I lost everything.
Other than myself.
Which, technically…
I lost twice already.
Now I was again the guy who knew about Re:Zero and wanted a harem.
But this time…
I had my gate.
A gate cultivated for over eighty years.
I had finally obtained the ability that Eeread wanted to give me.
A powerful gate.
And with it…
Natsuki Subaru would finally be starting…
From Zero.