Caution!
!!!!!
The Five Exclamation Marks signify that this piece of literature contains extremely graphic content and/or heavy subject matter.
(Disclaimer: The topics that this short story touches are extremely dark and alarming, please read with caution.)
Entry #173 - 02/04/01
As I left the floral shop, I carry the flowers and wrap them around my arms, carrying it as if it were my own newborn child, these flowers are for a girl I really like; I'm walking as I'm writing so the handwriting might be a bit messy… I know that I shouldn't be dating girls, I will get weird looks from people once they find out that I'm gay, even moreso when they find out that the girl I like is a lot younger than I am and still goes to high school. Personally, I don't care about what they think, this is true love at its fullest, but I get a pang of worry for my crush, Yuki, she'll definitely get teased hell of a lot more, but I'll do my best to protect her from harm, I'm the older one after all.
Today is a special day, a day where I plan to confess my true feelings to her. Thinking about her makes my heart flutter, her reaction to the flowers, the countless possible scenarios that I'm imagining about me confessing to her, and even the words she'll utter with her soft and timid voice (she's a cute and shy one), all of it makes my heart come to life, I feel it pound through my chest like it wants to break free and run towards her, a creeping heat brazes over my cheeks, the thought of ridicule and hate eventually fades away from my mind as I walk on the sidewalk around town, I get impressed stares from people as their eyes light up from the sheer volume of the flowers I'm holding, I spent a month's worth of paychecks on these, I'd better not let this opportunity go to waste.
It's past mid-noon, and I haven't eaten lunch yet, but what can you even buy with such a small budget that my shitty retail job provides me with? You couldn't even buy a decent meal with the little money they give you let alone the money I have left from buying this expensive bouquet. I could maybe buy one of those pastries Yuki has been telling me about nonstop, the same pastries her late father used to buy her when she did well in kindergarten back when she was a lot younger, she'd get this tendency to get excited and tell me about it whenever we pass that specific bakery while we're out on walks.
I'm surprised I haven't tried or even heard of them, the pastries she mentioned were relatively cheap, cheap enough that she could buy them herself even after her father had passed away from pocket money alone. I don't really have much of a choice for lunch now and I'm already walking in its direction anyway since my apartment is just a couple blocks away from it, maybe indulging in my loves special treat as a reminder of my goal for the day could give me some confidence once the time has come.
There are two large windows at the front of the bakery, leaving nothing out of the imagination of what it holds inside, a small little row of vacant tables, the display glass where they put their expensive pastries such as cakes of all shapes, sizes, and color, and a cash register not too far off atop of a wooden counter. There was this sense of a nostalgic and homey feeling once you enter the bakery, from the smell of freshly-baked pastries to the bright green wall with old pictures plastered on the wall of old memories, celebrities and whatnot, the shiny wooden floors and the soft and fluffy red carpet that reminded me of carpets that some elderly used in their houses, I remember it so cause I had a job as a caregiver (which I got fired for lashing out at one of the clients due to my poor temper at the time.)
When peering through the window I saw an old friend of mine, Reiko, it's like she hasn't aged since our high school days. She knew of my plans about confessing to Yuki and knows about the situation between us, I should greet her and thank her for being so supportive of us, I've thought about no one else but Yuki for the entirety of the day, I don't want this relationship to be something of an unhealthy obsession so I should talk to her to sort of clear my mind or something… I just really wanted to talk to her.
Pushing the glass door I entered the bakery, a cute jangly bell rang, catching Reiko's attention like an attentive dear and she immediately turned facing me.
"Aoi!" Reiko cheerfully uttered, her voice was sweet and soft, a sweet smile grew on her face.
"Reiko! How are you?" I returned her smile and waved my hand slowly
"Nothing special, just picking up some bread for my boyfriend"
"Boyfriend… How is Toshi doing?
"He's been fine, a bit bummed out cause of how much we're struggling, I'm trying to cheer him up by buying him some treats, hopefully it works." Her smile wavers, as it disappears, she turned away from me and gazed upon the kitchen, thinking about something else. (The kitchen that was in a room placed behind the cash register)
"I do too, I wish the best of luck for the two of you."
"Thanks" Her voice grew softer and more somber.
I caressed my bouquet, taking in its scent as I waited for the old baker lady to finish Reiko's order, but about a minute or so of silence, Reiko turned around, her eyes fixated on the bouquet I was holding so possessively like it was made of glass.
"Say, what brings you here to the bakery anyway?"
"I was going to buy Yuki's favorite pastry; I needed something to remind myself of her so I wouldn't be nervous." That creeping heat on my cheeks strengthens and I lower my face onto the bouquet softly.
"And the flowers?"
"They're for her, remember?" her face suddenly lost the color that it had left, like she has seen a ghost or something.
"Oh right, you're supposed to confess to her today… I remember you told me about it last week…"
"Mhm!" I nodded and smiled, trying to radiate my optimism for the day onto Reiko but it didn't work, so I was left frozen with an awkward smile.
"It's a shame that… Yuki took her own life before you had the chance of confessing to her…"
Suddenly, I couldn't catch my breath, a sharp pain pierced through my chest, and a freezing cold climbs up my spine and through each of my veins making me shiver, I nearly dropped the bouquet that I was holding as reality came crashing down on me, but I held it tighter than before, a few petals dropping to the floor. My vision blurred, I was crying, this seemingly perfect day, the sunny clear sky, the romantic imaginations I had, all dissipated from one sentence.
"R-right… these are for her coffin; I'm leaving all of this for her on her grave."
"Yeah, she needed a gift, barely anyone attended her funeral, her own mother didn't even attend… I remember you cried the loudest out of everyone and had to run from the church before they held the burial, which… They haven't even done yet."
"She… Was special to me, Reiko." Reiko placed her hand over my shoulder, rubbed it gently to comfort me. "She was the… only one… who could make my heart beat."
There was a deafening silence between us as Reiko's hand that radiated its warmth to my body slowly went cold, that coldness ran from my hand, down to may arm and slowly covering my frail body, suddenly she pulls away, her expression unreadable and deadpan, turning her eyes towards the bakery door, the sunny day that was present before, now gone and replaced with foggy mist surrounding the bakery and the buildings nearby, Reiko disappeared into the fog. I rushed outside and called her name, my eyes flooded with tears as I called for her, begging her to come back.
I stood in the middle of the road looking left to right, I was lost trying to find her, then to my right, further down the road she emerges and she looked at me with a blank stare, that cold feeling surrounding me before somehow became even stronger and the chill on my spine made my body stiff.
I saw that she was yelling something to me, but she was too far for me to hear, only a muffled noise travelled through the numbingly cold fog, as I drew closer to her, struggling to walk from the sharp pain on my chest, her voice slowly became clearer, and as we stared each other down, she opens her mouth again, and instead of a yell, she uttered with a soft and haunting voice.
"Watch out."
Then a car emerged through her roaring its horn, and I was pushed aside from the road, I looked at the man who pushed me away from the car, but I was too in shock to comprehend what just happened.
Not because of nearly dying from the car, but because I was reminded that my love, my one and only… And my savior is dead, I stood still lying down on the cold snow covered sidewalk, muffled voices surrounds me in nervousness wondering if I was okay, I looked to my right and stared at my arm, my skim looks deteriorated, like it was rotting, I coughed on the snow, the blood was pure black, a loud ring pierced my ear drums and I passed out from the sight of it, now I'm here lying on my hospital bed, forced to take that poison they call medicine and write that horrible nightmare… Yuki…
Entry #154 - 09/17/00
Another day, another 24 hours of feeling like a complete failure, I had just come back from my job in the retail store after getting scolded by my manager for talking back to the rejects he calls customers, I wonder what happens inside these people's minds, there's always someone out there that breaks the silence, not even in a good way. Like, who goes into a store and flirts with the clerk? Neither of the pickup lines they told me was even good, just the same shit I hear all the way back in high school. Better yet, who even goes to a store and laughs at someone for the way they look? Or finding some bullshit complaint and threatens me by calling my manager if I don't kneel and do their bidding? Better still, they get even more pissed off when I talk back to them, demanding for my apology, and if I don't they go to my boss either way, and somehow, it's STILL my fault?! UGH I hate this job, I hate this life, I hate everything! I'm almost regretting talking back to that pervert of an old man at my old job, at least there I get paid better for dealing with harassment.
It's always been like this, it's been like this for so fucking long that I don't even know why I even try anymore, nothing good has ever happened to me ever since I graduated and ran away, hell even before that, all my life I've never felt anything, I hate this condition, that shitty heart condition I had since birth that takes away my emotions. No one even cares that I have it, and every time I think of this condition, that memory keeps coming back to me, that time when my own parents disregarded my illness and showed me how far I am from being human…
It's etched into my head at this point, and I think this is the third time that I wrote it in this diary, but I don't care, this is like a sickness that keeps coming back at the most inconvenient times. This was around high school, it was nighttime, and I had just come home from Reiko's house, just in time for dinner with my parents, I wasn't responsive to them in dinner, my mom lets out a lengthy sigh, something that obviously came from her heart, something I wish I had.
"Cheer up Aoi…" She glanced at me with a melancholic stare as I pushed the fork down on my food (I don't remember what we had anymore) not really eating anything.
I responded with silence, watching my food instead of staring back into my parents perpetually disappointed gaze, my eyes snapped towards them and back down onto my plate, a few quick and impulsive glances to sate my curiosity.
"So, How's school Aoi?" My dad asked as he points all his focus onto me, making the already suffocating atmosphere even thicker, I couldn't breathe and felt like I was on the brink of dying from asphyxiation.
"I-It… Was okay"
"Your teacher called us today, Aoi." He sets his spoon down and stood up, looking down at me condescendingly.
"I-I see, so you know…"
"We've known for a long time Aoi… We hoped that someday you will come to your senses… But we were wrong…" My dad uttered, his tone implied immense disappointment
"What do you mean?"
"Aoi… You're failing."
"Yeah, I'm failing 'cause I can't fucking think straight!" I stood up out of my chair to even our leverage but then a sudden flash hits me sending my tumbling down onto the table, my cheek burns red.
"Don't you dare talk to your father like that! At this point… Your mother and I don't know what to do with you."
"Then don't do anything… Like you said right? 'You're tired of being my father'?"
"Aoi… I…" I hear a hesitation in his voice; I looked at his face while covering my burning cheek to see his shocked expression.
"Yeah… I overheard what you said to mom the other night… You don't understand what I'm going through… What they do to me… That school is hell, I'm all alone, I get bullied all the fucking time, and they leave me out of everything because I don't understand what it means to be like you guys… functioning. My life has been hell since the day I was born… I thought you would at least show me some sympathy for what I go through but no, you're just like them."
My mom lets out a deep and painful sigh, "We do love you, Aoi… What your father said was out of frustration, he would never mean to say something so horrible."
"But he said it anyway… He hit me anyway… Do you think he never meant to do something like that?"
"Aoi!" my dad yelled.
"NO! You always do this! You always make me feel even more horrible than I already think I am!"
My dad was about to action before my mom held his arm, "You should go to your room, Aoi… Your dad and I will take care of this…" Her lips curved into a smile, but that smile was a mask to hide the immense pain she goes through for dealing with me and my dad, her eyes wet and shiny, holding back the inevitable tears that were about to flood her eyes.
I stood still, my own eyes watering, after a few seconds of silence, I walked away, stomping my feet, as I walked up the stairs.
"It's fine, dear… We can't do anything to her anymore." Muffled my dad, as I heard mom's soft cries.
"I-I wish she wasn't born like this, I wish there was something I could do"
Me too mom…
Until then I've never been the same, I don't completely know if it's my fault for being a horrible child, or their fault for disregarding my condition despite having known it since I was born, I couldn't stomach the guilt, so when I graduated, I left immediately and got a job the same day.
[LATER]
Now that I'm back home, I take it back, there was something special that happened today. After getting a harsh scolding from my boss that went to deaf ears, I don't even remember a single word he said, all I remembered was that he was really loud and obnoxious, so I left the store, and sat down on the pavement and lit a cigarette, my co-worker HATED seeing me smoke around him during work hours, fortunately for him, out of the three people I worked with, I liked him the most so I'll respect his wishes.
As I was smoking, I was approached by this girl, about the same age as I was during that memory I mentioned earlier, sixteen, she looked sad, and messed up, tears drying on her face as she hesitantly walked towards me in the uniform from the local school, the uniform hanged loosely around her thin body, her hair messy as if someone cut it clumsily and wrangled it really badly, I stared at her infatuated with her, it was like I was looking into a mirror nine years ago.
I let out a drag from my cigarette, "Anything I could help you with?"
"Y-yes…" she sniffles as she shyly walks towards me.
"Well, I'm the only cashier this late at night, let me at least finish this cigarette before tendin' to you, 'kay?"
"S-sure… Whatever…" She sat down on the pavement next to me, her timidness never going away for the entirety of my encounter with her, her body was as stiff as a wooden statue.
"You know, kids like you shouldn't be near a cigarette, you should stay away."
"I don't mind." she looked out to the large canal pass the street in front of my store.
The canal split the two cities apart, connecting them to one other was a large bridge that stood on an intersection just twelve miles right from here, from where I was looking, the bridge stood high over the canal, being visible even from here, even when it's all dark, you could see streetlights from the bridge.
"Got a name at least?" I asked out of curiosity, joining her as we both looked into the bridge in the near pitch-black darkness
"Yuki…" she uttered weakly and shakily; weak shudders came out of her after she uttered her name.
"Aoi…"
By the time I told mine, I felt something warm cover my index and middle finger, the cigarette between my fingers was reduced to its butt, I dropped it to the ground and stomped on it, snuffing it out.
"Come in Yuki, I'm done with my break." I stood up, my utterance let out a commanding tone.
"O-oh." She stood up in a sort of panic, like a flustered sheep not knowing what to do except follow its shepherd, "S-sure…"
I came in first and kept opened the door for her, a small bell rings. Yuki told me that she wanted that little ice cream cup you can buy for 200 yen, I nodded and we both walked to the cooler, hearing the perpetual buzz that's haunted me in my sleep after hearing it for years, and feeling the sheer cold that I had to painfully endure until I was used to it. I opened the cooler, she pointed to the cookies and cream flavor, a flavor I liked too, I don't know if I mentioned that in this diary before, we both walked back towards the counter where I rang her up, she weakly uttered a thank you and bowed to me before quietly leaving the store, my eyes never leaving her, she left such a pitiful impression on me, a shame that a girl as young as her would be walking out late at night crying, A sudden intrusive thought came to me, I should probably guide her back to her home just so she wouldn't encounter someone who intends to kidnap her or take advantage of her, she does seem like an easy target for them, even after my shift the thought never left me.
09/18/00 - writing this on the same entry, because big surprise literally nothing remarkable had happened today either, it's the day after I met Yuki… or well… Night after I met Yuki… Still wearing that loose uniform, only now, it looks dirtier than it did yesternight, and her hair looks even messier somehow, later I asked her about it, but she held back on answering, only giving me a slight shake of her head.
It was identical to the night prior, although this time she didn't catch me in my smoking break, she caught me almost sleeping on my shift at the counter, I heard that dreadful bell rang after convincing myself that no customer will come 'til the end of my shift, my vision was a blur and I didn't care for it until her silhouette draw near in front of me, I thought I was hallucinating, turns out it was just her standing clumsily by the shelves, hesitating whether to say hello to me or to silently go to get ice cream and avoid bothering me (I assumed so because she kept looking towards me, then towards the fridge, then back at me in a sort of indecisive manner) she chose the former and bothered me in the most sheepish and politest way possible, I stood up rubbing my eyes, she apologized for interrupting my sleep, I told her that it was no big deal since I shouldn't be sleeping on the job anyway, I rang up her ice cream, but she froze, surprisingly it's not due to the intolerable cold, it's cause she doesn't have enough money for the ice cream.
"Oh… I-I'm sorry, I don't have enough…" She uttered, her breath shuddering, and her eyes slowly tearing up, wetting the dried tears on her face again, her hands shaking as she slowly reached for the ice cream, but I sighed and snatched it from her before she could grab it and told her that I'd pay for it.
"N-no… You shouldn't…" her eyes lit up, and she gasped from surprised waving her hands, trying to convince me to not buy her the ice cream but, too late, my mind is already made up
"It's fine, minimum wage isn't as bad as people say it is" (I was lying, it is as bad as people say it is) I saw her frown turn into a pout as she considered about taking the ice cream or not.
I rang it up anyway, before she completed her decision and put my own money into the cash register.
"Keep your money, and your ice cream" I handed it to her and watched her slowly walk away, caressing the ice cream like a child would with a stuffed toy, unsurprisingly because the ice cream is cold, and the freezing temperature of the store and outside since it was winter soon. I could see her shake.
Then that sudden worry came down to me again, I couldn't bear the thought of her leaving her alone again at this time of night, this was a strange feeling, like my chest is twisting and won't leave me alone 'til I ran after her… I've never felt like this before, but I'll follow my instincts, I didn't really mind if my boss scolds me again once I came back, all I wanted was for Yuki to come back home safely.
Running around the counter, I leave the store putting the "on-break" sign up on the counter, I ran through the streets eventually catching up to her and offering to walk her home, she reluctantly insisted but I went along anyway because I wasn't going to take a no for an answer, especially for a little girl all alone in the street late at night who's vulnerable to any kinds of creeps who isn't afraid to grab a piece of her home.
We walked on the streets, we're both pretty silent until I decided to talk about how much I loved the ice cream that she bought, apparently, she also had a pretty strong love for ice cream too, and we had a nice little conversation about our favorite ice cream and the kinds of scenarios we loved eating them on, I remember her saying that she loved eating ice cream while sitting on her couch late at night watching TV, how nice, I shared the same sentiment, I also loved eating ice cream when being sad, the cold sweetness helped me cope with my depression and my condition, although I didn't tell her that and instead asked her about the type of stuff she watches on her TV as she ate ice cream, she liked watching cartoons, random telenovelas, and documentaries, our conversation developed afterwards, but she avoided the topic about school.
Once our little conversation was over, after a few seconds of silence, she froze, and I stopped and looked back at her, she took a deep breath then look up at me with a hesitant stare, struggling to keep eye contact, I asked her what's wrong and she took one last deep breath and asked me if I could keep a secret, I nodded of course, telling her I've kept a good number of secrets when I was her age, she took a few seconds before finally confessing about her uniform, and her hair, it was because she got into a scandal in school about some girls blackmailing her, I didn't ask what it was about, and she can't talk to her parents about it because they obviously wouldn't understand her situation and would make it worse, she told me that I was the only person she could talk to, I obviously felt bad for her, she seemed like a good kid, she doesn't deserve any of this kind of treatment, she's a polite and quiet kid. I didn't get any details of what she was being blackmailed with, I didn't want to make her cry more than she already is, I will ask her if she comes to the store again tomorrow night and once the time is right, I bade her well once we had reached to her home and I leave.
(P.S. So, she did come back the next night, Apparently, she was being blackmailed and falsely accused of being the person in some student-teacher pornography since their bodies looked similar, the girls threatened her that they will leak the video to the school if she didn't do their bidding, she doesn't know what to do, kids these days I swear… They're a lot crueler than what my classmates did to me at the time, and that's a feat.)
Entry #157 10/01/00
It has been a while since I last spoke to that Yuki girl, two weeks in fact. That was until today, although unlike other times she came by, it was broad daylight. I haven't been able to talk to her in a while, I don't even know what happened to her situation until now. She ran up to the store while I was ringing someone up, I saw that hesitant look on her face again, but it looked more pitiful than ever, I started rushing the man's order as fast as I could and he left without a word… thankfully.
We're both alone with each other, she looked out of the window as if she was hiding from something, or rather someone, and hesitantly walked towards me, sniffling. More tears ran down her eyes, I ran around the cashier's station and comforted her by hugging her and rubbing her back, and whispering "there, there".
I'm not too good with comforting people, I don't really understand how they feel or what to say or how to comfort them, mainly due to my condition I can't comprehend people's feelings that well, God, I don't even want to remember what I told her, so I'll just leave this space blank and describe the scene instead.
She cried on my uniform and clung onto me like I will disappear from her if she let me go, her grip was weak, but I could tell she was putting all of her strength into it. Once she calmed down, she told me that she was called to the principal's office and everyone in the school believed it was her, she was also suspended and left the school but before she did, she was followed by a group of girls that caught up to her and messed her up even more than last time.
She told me that she doesn't have the strength to go to her parents, but the principle told her that they were going to call them anyway, this Yuki girl… She doesn't deserve any of this, I felt a feeling I didn't know I could feel, something that my condition has prevented me from feeling, a feeling of hatred, a feeling of determination, a feeling of caring, my chest fluttered for the first time ever, I wanted to help her, and I wanted to keep her safe, with a heavy heart I let out a deep breath and offered her to come live with me until the situation blows over and now here I am.
I took an early leave without telling the boss, I mean, what can he even do to me at this point right? Fire me? I told my co-worker to deal with the customers before I went home.
I cooked her some packet ramen, gave her some water and offered my bed to her so she could get some rest, I know that my place is messy, it's kind of embarrassing, clothes and junk scattered everywhere, some furniture out of place and I haven't really dusted the place even though I tried reminding myself to, I just don't care about myself enough to start cleaning I guess, a musky scent fills the air, and not to mention the apartment itself being pretty dark, only being lit by the sunlight coming down from the window that was being covered by pink drapes, its color stained the room making it feel a little ethereal at times which made it bearable to live in, (I had to limit some uses since the electric bill has been killing me recently and it's going to stay that way until I find a decent job, to be honest I really dig the feel).
I told Yuki to keep the lights off. I would usually just go home, sit back, relax, watch some TV and sleep after that, but now that Yuki is here, I had to do at least some form of cleaning, at least throw some clothes away from my bed to make her comfortable, she told me it was fine but I didn't listen and still cleaned and now here I am, writing this on my messy desk while she sleeps, I'll probably get a phone call from my boss soon and again, I don't really care what he has to say anymore or what he does to me, just as long as he doesn't fire me… Yeah that would probably be bad…
(P.S. About that phone call, I did receive it, but it was just him giving me a scolding and telling me to go back later tonight and do some cleaning since I didn't work the day, might as well work the closing shift… I hate the closing shift…)
Entry #160 11/13/00
It's been a month since Yuki has been staying in my apartment, she told me that things had only gotten worse for her, and her parents didn't believe her and kicked her out of her house, assholes… But anyway, I'm starting to grow fond of Yuki. Even though I tell her not to, she keeps on cleaning my apartment for me, she doesn't have anything to do other than clean and read the obscure manga I had stored on my shelves, after she reads them, we would talk about the manga, our conversation would last for hours and I find it really enjoyable talking to her and I could tell she loves reading them, the way her eyes would light up whenever I would explain some bullshit theories I find online is honestly kind of cute, it's nice finally having someone to talk to about this.
There hasn't been any news about her situation unfortunately, and she's been completely exiled by her parents at this point… There hasn't been any news from the school, and it looks like it'll stay that way for a while, I gave Yuki some of my clothes and they were unsurprisingly really big on her.
[TWO DAYS LATER] - 11/15/00
While I was working (again, the workday was boring as fuck) the bell rang and my eyes darted towards the entrance, Yuki was running to me while I was working, my eyes widened immediately, I was surprised to see her out, even moreso see her smile, I felt myself bathing in an ethereal feeling that I can't describe as I saw Yuki's smile.
"Aoi! Aoi! I'm finally clean!" She yelled out as happy as a clam, jumping with a smile that stretched towards her cheekbones.
It seemed like the perfect day for some good news anyway, despite it being cold, it was still a pretty beautiful day, I could tell cause the sun was shining down on the store from the large windows while I was working, and the river from the canal view was a glistening blue, reflecting its color onto the sky, and some into the store.
My heart fluttered when I received the news, on their own my lips slowly curled into a smile and a warmth surrounded my cheeks "Is that so? I'm happy… When will you be starting school again?"
"They told me I could start school tomorrow! I can't wait to come back home again, finally." Her eyes then glistened, she was crying from joy and excitement, and I couldn't be any happier.
I could see her gleefully leave the store and frolicked like a happy little frog, that was the first time I've ever smiled for someone else's good news, it feels great… She has this effect on me that makes me feel all warm, and my heart feels like its alive. I haven't felt this before, I can't wait for her to come into the store all happy and cheerful again, I want to feel her make my heart flutter again and make me smile.
[LATER THAT NIGHT]
I wrote that around 11pm when I was getting ready for bed, my bed being the cleanest and most comfortable it's ever been since I first moved here, no more stray clothes and dirty sheets, Yuki definitely outdid herself, I didn't expect her to clean my sheets in the laundromat down the street from my apartment, I didn't even know we had a laundromat nearby, this was one of the few times where I felt like I could sleep comfortably that was until I heard my window being tampered with at the middle of night.
I slowly rise from my bed, pushing the sheets aside gently and silently walked towards my bedroom door, I turned to my left entering the living room, and I see someone trying to open my living room window from the apartment's fire escape. I grabbed a nearby kitchen knife and opened the lights, it didn't scare them, so I confidently walked to the window to confront the intruder, when I was face to face with them, the only thing between us was a locked window, I get a glimpse of my intruder, the light from my living room illuminating their face, revealing who they were… It was Yuki.
I lifted the lock of the window and opened it for her to enter; we both sat down on the couch, and I confronted her about sneaking out of her house so late at night.
"S-sorry… I didn't know where to go." she uttered shyly, I can see the way she is hesitating, she's looking away from me, looking down, the way she sat so anxiously, and the way she trembled… I know that expression, her tone, her demeanor, it's all too familiar to me.
"Tell me, what's wrong?", I asked softly, she stopped looking at me entirely, my hand on its own went to Yuki's soft hands and gave them a gentle squeeze, and pointed her gaze down at the floor, trembling.
This all felt natural, I don't know why but, it felt right to me, it was like I wasn't in control of my own body, "It's fine, I won't judge, I promise." My lips curled into a slight smile and that same warmth from earlier spread towards my lips and cheeks.
Those walls that she built to keep me out started collapsing, it was like a dam falling apart and the overflowing water it held came rushing down, Tears dropped from her face one by one onto my carpet, then it became a loud crying as her weak screams echoed in my apartment, she turned towards me and hugged me tightly with all her strength, crying into my clothes, I wrapped my arms around her, one of my hands lifting itself up to her head, petting her to calm her down.
Once she did, she weakly uttered as quietly as a whisper, while still buried in my sleeping clothes, "I-it's my father…"
A surge of protectiveness went down my spine, like a switch being flipped in my mind when she's crying and my arms, "What is it this time?"
"He… He has cancer…" The room fell into silence; only her loud sobs filled the air of the room, then she continued.
"I-I overheard it while my parents were fighting, and… It all makes sense now... My father is a good person, he was kind, happy, and even when I came back with bad grades he would always be there to comfort me, he would always buy me my favorite snack from the bakery and congratulated me for trying, but… recently he seemed off, he started lashing out at my mother and I, if not that, I would catch him staring into the black TV screen, not watching anything or sometimes I would catch him crying and screaming alone in the living room, I would just hide and watch and never tell him I'm there, that's probably why he didn't believe me, why he kicked me out of the house, and even hit me…" She rolled her hoodie up showing a bruise on her abdomen, the mere sight of it took my breath in shock and disgust.
She sniffles and looks up at me "Aoi… I don't want my dad to die…"
"Hey, hey… Shh… There's nothing we can do about it anymore, all we can do is be strong for them, okay?"
She nodded and leaned into me again, letting out more cries as I held her, after a while she asked if she could sleep on my bed, I contemplated on not letting her, but my couch is not comfortable enough for anyone to sleep, I didn't know what to do with her… So, I just let her sleep with me, it's about 1AM right now, and she's sleeping soundly next to me, I don't know what to do, is this even right? It feels awkward and a bit wrong having a child sleep on my bed next to me, but, either way, no one is going to know about this anyway, I just want to help her out is all.
Entry #170 12/12/00
I've never wrote this much on my diary before, God, am I so fucking obsessed with Yuki… It's shameful and disgusting, I shouldn't be with a girl as young as her, hell, I shouldn't be with a girl at all! but I can't help myself anymore, I need her, ever since her father passed just a week ago she's been endlessly coming into my apartment and I welcome her in with open arms, I don't know what it is about her but she's lit a spark within me that I've never felt before. In this diary, for nearly three months that I've been "friends" with Yuki, I've been barely writing about my day anymore, I've only been writing about my feelings for her.
God, no wonder why people in love goes crazy, it actually feels like cupid's arrow shooting me straight in my heart making it come to life. none of Yuki's friends or relatives knows that I exist, and every night I slowly inch my way closer to her, I didn't know that she was the solution to everything in my life, she is everything I want, love, and mor-
[LATER TODAY]
– So I collapsed in the middle of work, thankfully my new co-worker (the good one) saw me and called for the hospital as fast as he possibly can, right now I'm lying down on the hospital bed writing and pondering about the hospital bill, the doctors did tell me I was getting somewhat better since my last visit at least in my looks, I'm sure I'm going to be out soon, the doctor will be here in a bit with the result of my heart examination.
[EVEN LATER, AFTER THE EXAMINATION]
– Well, I wasn't expecting that… I'm writing this diary with tears falling on the pages, I knew I swore on this diary multiple times that I wanted my life to end… But why now? When I've finally found the solution to everything…? Why? WHY?! WHY?! WH-
(The Space here was intentionally left blank due to the following text being scribbled and unintelligible)
I may have torn some pages… But… What's even the point in writing in this stupid diary anymore… Apparently my condition has gotten worse, doctor's told me that my heart was weakening and that I don't have a lot of time left, just a little under two years, no kind of medicine could help me anymore, only prolong the inevitable, and I don't have the kind of money to get a transplant, so medicine it is… I've… felt all kinds of sadness before but… This is a first I feel… I feel like my heart was shattered into a million pieces, I feel as if the small ray of light that finally shined its way to me after a whole 25 years of my life wandering aimlessly in the dark is being closed off and my life is turning dark again… Permanently. This is a fucking nightmare, this is hell! What would Yuki feel? What would Yuki feel…? How would she feel if I was gone too, like her father…?
Entry #171 – 12/13?/00
The next day feels like genuine torture, a fate that's been brought down to me that not even the most sadistic of maniacs would even dream of inflicting to another person: endless pills, hallucinations, depressive episodes, mood swings, and sudden sharp stings on my weak heart. Every time I took these pills it always gives me a panic attack or a mental breakdown, it's like being struck with lightning randomly, sudden shocks and pain, then my heart races faster than I've ever felt it beat, wait is it even the day after I was admitted into the hospital? It all doesn't feel real to me, I feel like my day has just been a blur. Sometimes I can hear someone knocking on my door and on my window, calling my name, could that be Yuki…? No, No! I can't let her see me like this, must not answer, I can't bear letting her see me like this… Close the blinds, lock the door, I can't let anyone see me like this… Hide… I'm ugly, I'm less the human, I'm disgusting, I feel--------
I wake up suddenly in a hot haze on the floor, diary in hand, sweating profusely, breathing heavily, I feel like I have been submerged in hot water for hours, struggling to breathe, chest heavy and painful.
I struggled my way into the bathroom, I gazed into bathroom mirror and see… myself…? Why do I look so… ugly…? My cheekbones protrude from my face, I look malnourished like a corpse, and my lips are dry, the redness turning pale, white, and dry, I looked down onto the sink, where my pills are placed at the sides, five pills bottles I had to take in order to function, three are for my heart, the other two are antidepressants and painkillers.
It wasn't the day after my admission, sudden memories flash through my mind of me not taking them a few nights in a row, my eyes wouldn't leave the bottles, I refuse to feel that shock again, I grabbed one of them prescribed for my heart, reading its name and the description on the label, suddenly my vision blurs, I struggle to breathe a sharp unbearable pain stabbed my chest, it felt like a spear was thrusted into me, piercing through my heart and out onto my back, the bottle on my shaking hands falls to the floor, and a few seconds later I dropped with it, pills scattering across as I lay down on my side looking at them. I can't ingest the pills properly without water, it's too big, I grabbed the pill that's closest to me and opted to drink water out of my bathroom sink, I struggled to rise up from the floor as I grasp onto the edge of the sink for dear life, using it for leverage and once I've finally risen, I opened the sink and got a handful of water I drank it with the pill, it took a few minutes to take in affect, then I drank another one, and another one, the pain on my chest worsening each second that passes, I fall to the floor again, grasping my chest and praying to god I don't throw up from the horrible metallic taste of sink water.
After a moment, when the pain was tolerable, I rise again and catch a glimpse of myself once more on the mirror, my skin was all pale and covered in blood and puss, as if I was rotting and my skin was falling apart from my body, my eyeballs protruding out of my face, my eye bags hanged long and loosely, my lips reduced to a pale shell, I didn't look human... I slowly caressed my face with my hand, slowly feeling the rough skin with the same texture as paper, I touch one of the open wounds that awfully looked like horrible burn marks on my face, black tar started gushing out, first from the wound I touched, then slowly from every orifice of my face, I felt another sharp pain on my chest, it was too unbearable, I take off my shirt, a large dark and empty hole on my chest where my heart was supposed to be, every second was a sharp and intolerable pain on my chest or what's left of it, then it spreads, from my heart to quickly covering my entire body not letting a single nerve free, the hole on my chest started gushing out black tar, it poured onto the floor, quickly covering it and the pain, 'Is this from my heart?' was the last thought that crossed my mind, before it all felt too overwhelming and I passed out on the bathroom floor.
So here I am now, in the hospital bed where I'm writing this, at least everything that I remember, I was very lucky because apparently one of my co-workers decided to come to my house after my boss was a little too pissed off that I didn't go to work today, he ordered him to storm into my apartment, though lucky is not the word I'd use since I still have to live in this hell. My doctor said I'll be free to go after a few days.
I'm scared, I don't know what I'd do to myself when I get back home, I'm scared of the medicine they give me and the side-effects, I'm scared for Yuki and how she'll react to me when she finds out I'm terminally ill, I'll just write to Yuki… Tell her to never see me again… I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to see her hurt, I can't stand to be the source of her pain, no matter how loudly she called out my name at the door, I'll never let her in.
Entry #172 – 01/12/01
I had just come out of the hospital after they sent me home once I was done with my weekly visit was done (I visit them weekly now due to that incident I wrote about last December)
I keep refusing to take my pills that my doctor oh so desperately wanted me to take but I take them anyways, cause… I want to meet Yuki when I'm healthy again, I want to fight this condition and live a full life with her, I'm usually not one to believe in miracles and I don't know if I'm delusional or not, especially after these hallucinations that keeps haunting me, I don't know what's real anymore, I hallucinated people breaking into my house, or the muffled voices of my parents arguing or calling my name penetrating my walls. But even after all of that… I still can't get Yuki out of my mind, her voice echoes in my apartment, screaming for me, calling for me, crying out for me, she needs me but, I can't let her see me like this, the thought of it makes my heart ache. I've been so demoralized about writing in this diary, who would even read this? A lot of the pages are just my endless ramblings and rants and fantasies about Yuki.
Speaking of fantasies… This has been plaguing my mind for a long time, and thinking back to it makes me vomit and blush simultaneously, a few days ago I woke up again in a sweaty hot haze like I usually do nowadays, I refused to rise from my bed, opening my eyes was out of my capabilities, I was too weak and tired, I felt my body wanting to give up and collapse in on itself.
Then as I was closing my eyes ready to fall asleep again, a sudden heaviness weighed itself down on my pelvis, it felt like someone was straddling my hips, my darkened surroundings illuminated by the weak light of the morning winter and everything was an eerie pink from the drapes covering my window, feebly my eyes opened, everything is blurry, barely anything was recognizable but when I blinked a small silhouette straddles my hips, as my eyes slowly come into focus, I see her… Yuki, in her messy school uniform, she looked as beautiful, ethereal, and as healthy as ever despite her still being petite.
The vessels in my heart feels like they're being twisted and contorted, but my body feels hot and sweaty, I'm flooded with emotions of love, happiness, and sadness, a creeping hotness emerged from my cheek then radiating from my chest, then between my thighs, Yuki and I stared into each other's eyes, I leaned up and drew my hands to her face to cup her cheek but she took my wrist and shushed me.
"No, no, Aoi… You still need to rest, right? Doctor's orders." Her lips slowly curved a smile that's both warm and disturbing, slowly she started grinding her hips on me, my mind is actively refusing to believe it's her, this is all just a dream but, it feels so real… Is it…?
"Y-Yuki… W-we can't… Y-you're too young… and… and…" She leans down and kisses me, our tongues dances with each other, her hands then started roaming on my deteriorating body as we tasted each other, I could taste her sweet honey coated tongue on mine, her saliva going directly down into my throat as one of her hands finds its way to my cheek, keeping my head in place, thoughts started running down my head, trying to read her intentions, is she trying to take advantage of the fact that I'm ill and weak? Or is it because I love her too much that I'll accept anything she gives me?
After a few minutes she pulls away and gazes down into my eyes with those beautiful blue pearls that shine through the pink-coloured atmosphere, the heat on my face became stronger every second I look into her face, I feel oppressed by her, but I accept her, "You taste… Like Cigarettes, blood, and expired medicine… Didn't the doctors tell you not to smoke anymore?"
An overwhelming sense of depression crashes over me, the heat doesn't leave but a wave of cold sadness goes down my body as Yuki's gaze turns into a weeping frown, "I-I'm sorry Yuki…" My speech stammers and my voice broke from the tears I tried to hold back with all my wavering strength.
"Aoi… You're dying, you're killing yourself, and you didn't tell me…? You know I don't want any of my loved ones to die, a-and you lied to me, you didn't want me to see you Aoi! Don't you love me anymore Aoi!... D-do you hate me…?" Suddenly, from her words the atmosphere thickens to the point of making me choke, my vision blurs only focusing on her and the pain in my chest was both unbearable but pleasurable as it beats itself to life trying to fight the sharp aching knife stuck wedged in it, I finally hear Yuki tell me she loves me, but at what cost? Letting her see me like this.
"I don't want you to die Aoi… Please don't leave me here too…" More tears rush down her face as she plants her face onto my chest, muffling her cries, my hand rises and places itself on her head, petting her, the atmosphere finally thins and I was breathing, barely, Yuki and I were positioned where I feel the most closest to her, when she's crying into me and putting all of her trust into my loving arms.
"Yuki…" I uttered weakly, my voice hoarse and raspy
"Y-Yes Aoi…?" A ray of blue light meets my eyes as Yuki rises from my chest and looks at me, pulling away slightly, those shining blue pearls making it hard for me to keep my gaze away from her, I smiled, the warmth on my chest and my cheeks radiating heat as hot as ever.
"I don't hate you; I won't go; I will never leave you." I put my hand on her cheek, rubbing the tears off her face with my thumb then putting my hand on the side of her head, running my fingers down each strand of hair on her head, pushing the ones on her face to the side so I can see her beauty fully.
"You promise…?" She stops weeping, looking at me with her eyes shining from its wetness that made it shine even more, her blue eyes piercing through the pink light that's painted all over the room.
"I promise…" She leans into my hand like a touched starved abused dog, savoring each sensation, every single inch of contact with its owner, like it's the first time they've been touched after years of abuse and trauma.
"Yuki… Continue what you were doing to me… It… Feels good." I feel a rushing heat radiate through my cheeks as I gathered all the strength left in my dying heart to say those words to her.
Yuki, finally, she smiled again and nodded, she puts her soft hand on my cheek and slowly ran it down from my cheek, to my chest, to my stomach, the heat that I felt made my mind go numb, my vision blurs from pure pleasure as she finally lowered herself and places her soft palm between my frail and shaky legs and pushes her fingers gently into the soft wetness of my most vulnerable weakness, a weakness that, apart from my heart made me feel the love Yuki wanted to express to me, she continues her actions, going faster and faster, eager to make me strong again, I felt it, I felt pleasure again through the pain, I felt that happiness I felt the year prior, but this time it feels a lot stronger sending me in to pure bliss. I couldn't stop my own desire for her anymore, I felt sweat go down my body as the coldness of winter dissipated, the heat of our passion giving life to my cold and ill body, I feel myself becoming stronger and stronger as she used my body for her pleasure, grinding against my knee, and giving me pleasure. As we both gazed upon each other's loving eyes, our bodies stuck to one another like one-sided magnets, never leaving each other and never letting anyone else in, as if we completed each other, our bodies merged with each other like raw dough as she leans into me and kisses me, our tongues again wrapped around each other, dancing, the heat of her breath going into my lungs breathing life into me.
Her body, her likeness, her smile, her face, her touch… My body is remembering it all, her image plagues my sight like a blinding light and her voice, her laughter and her cries plaguing my ears like a constant echo, and her mouth tasting sweeter than the freshest of honey, I felt my walls breaking, my muscles inside and outside spazzes and wraps around her fingers so desperately, as I finally felt the wave of release I go limp and slowly pass out.
A sudden ring blares, screaming me awake, it felt deafening, it was my telephone, I stood up from bed, now sitting, my surroundings slowly blur into reality, it was just a dream… My head hurts, I feel dizzy, everything still doesn't feel right, I felt a massive hole on my chest, not of pain, but of emptiness when I found myself alone, without Yuki.
I pushed the sheets aside leaving my wet bed, not knowing if it's from the sweat, or something else, or both, I stumble onto my desk where I'm currently writing this and took the phone and answered the call, it's my boss.
"H-hello…?"
"Aoi… Dear, you made me worried!"
"What's up…?"
"It's 10AM Aoi, I need you here at the register now."
"C-coming… Just gotta shower and I'll head on right over."
"Take your medicine too, Aoi."
"I will, I will… Thanks boss."
Our call ended there, my body still felt like it was trembling, my chest still feels like it has a knife jammed in it, moving my body required all my strength, using the walls and doorframes as a support for my own body, I went to the bathroom and fell onto the sink and gazed into my reflection, it was me, still thin and pale, tears slowly run down my cheek as that emptiness in my chest became heavier and heavier.
"Is this… Finally real…?" I uttered to myself
"I hate it."
Entry #172 – 01/27/01 – 01/28/01
I… Don't know how to start this entry off… Am I a bad person…? It's about 11PM, almost midnight, I spent the whole day crying my tears slowly drying off the paper after crying for minutes staring at a blank page, but the more I remember her beautiful face, the more tears come out, she was so happy to finally see me, then became so scared of me. I truly am the worst person on this earth, I don't deserve to live, hurting my love, if I still deserve to call her that
Yuki… She finally came back home… Oh, how oblivious she is about my condition these past months, the strength I had to muster just so I can let her in my apartment and talk to her face to face, the amount of pain I had to endure just so I wouldn't leave her like her asshole of a father did, I told her nothing. She went knocking on my apartment door in the middle of the afternoon, I took a deep breath and opened the door, when I saw her, I was immediately captivated by her, and my heart went rushing, beating itself back to life, and that heat on my cheek comes back, the same one I felt in my dream, I thought I would never feel it again.
I welcomed her warmly, my hands shake from excitement and my chest pounding, I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly, but I have to keep my composure after not seeing her for months.
I asked her if someone saw her come here, as expected, she says no, what a good girl, a good and sweet girl, when she shook her head it was like a switch was turned, suddenly I felt safer around her, my mind wanted to make bold actions towards her, get closer towards her, I wanted to hug her tightly and keep her locked away forever.
My heart ached, it was like I wasn't in control of myself and I couldn't think straight, I struggled to breathe because of my heart and I saw Yuki giving me a look of worry, I mean of course we haven't seen each other in months and now I look like… I took a deep breath and told her that it was nothing more than just a cold, I even laughed and joked about it not being contagious, which maybe prompted more concern rather than humor for her.
I offered her to sit down on my couch and I led her towards there, her expression and hesitant movements, I don't know if she's disgusted of me, worried, or both, I felt like I could snap at any moment, despite my efforts to maintain myself, we sat down, she looks down at the couch probably disgusted at how dirty and uncomfortable it is, my eyes darting towards and away from her, trying to take a glance at her expression, to see if she can still tolerate me.
It was until now that my eyes stuck to her while I was glancing towards her that I truly got to revel in her beauty, she wore a sundress that was whiter than snow, the cloth on the upper part of her body clinging onto her petite frame in which the sight of her slimness made my cheeks hotter, her face, her smile even though fake, still portrayed her ever-present beauty, along with her fair skin she lit the room like she was an angel, a gift sent for my by the God above.
My eyes wouldn't leave her, slouched came down her shoulders, a heavy sigh leaves her mouth, "To be honest Aoi… I haven't been the best… I feel even lonelier even after the accusations of me were proven false, they still teased me and bullied me, telling me they refuse to believe that the video wasn't me, all of my friends left me cause of rumors in school, I've been so lonely after my dad died, even my mom won't talk to me… I didn't know what to do so I went to you." My eyes lit up as she leaned onto my shoulder, by instinct I took her and placed her head on my chest, though it felt heavy the pain never deterred me from pushing her away.
"That's terrible… I'm happy you came to me." Slowly, my hand drifts towards her hair, comforting her, rubbing her scalp like I always did, those kids are assholes, no one ever knows how to treat my Yuki well, no one except for me.
"Aoi… I'm so alone, I think my mom hates me and blames me for my father being the way he was when he died, I-I feel like my life is collapsing… My grades are poor, my friends turned their back on me, I don't know what to do, I need you…" Her eyes started glistening as I looked down towards her, my heart fluttering as she confesses to me that she needs me, my lips curl into a big smile, she cried into me, and I couldn't help but cry myself, who wouldn't cry? A beautiful angel having her wings plucked out by demons and being dragged down to hell for her to burn with them.
"Whenever you have a problem, Yuki… I'm always here for you." I cup her cheek and slowly panned her head to where she's looking towards me, our eyes meet each other, her beauty and pain staring back at me, seducing me, begging me for help, I look deeply into her eyes, her iris wavering.
Hotter became the close tension between us, hotter still were my cheeks, that addicting radiating heat starts hitting my body as I drew closer towards her, touching her waist burns me, I almost pulled away from her, but I went closer, hugging her, embracing my angel, my life giver.
"There, there… You're safe, I got you."
"T-thank you, Aoi…" She stammered as she cried onto my chest, tears staining my clothes.
As she cried a river, no, an ocean that could flood this city, I couldn't help myself anymore during a time where she's most vulnerable, it's time. My hands slowly drew from her back, my arms wrapping around her waist so slowly hovering above her forearms and up her wrists, slowly pushing her down the sofa.
Yuki pulls away from my chest, looking up at me with a horrified and alarmed expression, "A-Aoi? What are you doing?"
"Yuki. I've been hiding something from you; I'm going to die soon… Please, I need this." I pushed her down immediately, pinning her with all my strength, more tears come out of her eyes as I gazed upon them, she returns it with a gaze of pure fear.
"No! Aoi! I like you, but I don't like you like this!" She starts flailing her limbs around, but I sat down on her legs, using my weight to stop her from moving, same with my hands gripping her wrists, she shook her head profusely and refused to look back at me, at the time I was enraged that she didn't want my love.
"Fucking Look at me!" Just like a rabid dog, I aimed for her neck quickly to bite it, to kiss it, and to lick it, I needed her even more weak so I can show her how much love I can give to her, control was no longer with me, I was to enraged, and disgusted by how little she wanted me, I keep hearing her scream "no!" I want to shut those screams up and make her scream "yes!".
Everything went blurry except for Yuki's terrified face, her screams muffled in my ears as I lean down, wanting to give her a taste of myself whether she wants it or not. But suddenly, everything went to focus, I feel a sharp sting on my stomach, I look down and see that she hit my stomach with her knee, once more she did it again, my body stiffens, she pushes me down onto the floor, my lungs struggling to gather air as I coughed them out.
By the time I looked up, Yuki looking down at me with her tear-soaked face, panting with her hands covering her mouth, "Yuki… Why…? After all that I've done for you/"
"N-no… I-I didn't… I'm sorry…" She apologized to me repeatedly, slowly backing away towards my door.
"If only you love me back Yuki, you'd understand how I feel, you'd understand how much your love made this shitty heart of mine, don't you see? God put you in this earth to love me, so love me."
"Stop it! I don't love you! And I never will love you!"
"Then go kill yourself for all I care! I fucking hate you Yuki! You're nothing! Admit it, you're nothing without me! You're going to be alone for your entire life with no one to love you but me." My stomach twists on the spot she hit with her knee, slowly I collapsed to the floor, coughing out black tar again on my carpet.
Everything became blurry again, my eyes looked up to see her on my door frame, then she came running away crying, and she never came back ever since…
The day after that incident, I went to her house to apologize and ask where Yuki was, when I knocked on the door, her mother was there asking me who I was to her, I told her that I was a friend looking for Yuki, then the news came, she died, committed suicide, she ran towards the bridge with hundreds of witnesses watching her jump off.
My heart went into panic mode, after she closed the door, I ran back towards my apartment feeling like I could go into cardiac arrest, I prayed that I did, at least once I do, I can join Yuki in death, I'm sorry Yuki, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry that I said those things to you, I'm sorry that I made you do this, I'm so sorry that I hurt you, I can't live without you, I can't live without you, I can't liev witou I can't live without you I cat lvi without yuo-
[The rest of this entry was intentionally left blank due to unintelligible scribbles and torn pages]
Entry #173 – 02/10/01
I' can't live without you, Yuki, You're the only thing on my mind, and I beg you for forgiveness, I will accept any punishment just as long as I can be with you forever and ever, it's all my fault, I deserve this, I haven't been able to go to sleep cause I see her, she's there standing still on the foot of my bed, covered in dark shadows… Staring down at me condescendingly as I lie down on my bed and we just stared at each other, I was too scared to move, and I'm still scared to move, but this is something I have to do for us, so that we can never be alone anymore, so that no one can ever hurt you anymore.
It was about 2AM, dead of winter, snowing harshly, feel myself shivering in the cold, but didn't care, have only one goal, only want Yuki.
I entered the chapel and was quickly showered in a bundle of colored lights: Red, yellow, and blue, that shine down on me from the large window with an intricate design with a cross. The window was high atop behind the lectern in the center of the church, behind the lectern stood erect a cross with Jesus crucified on it, I felt myself getting weaker as I drew closer and closer to him, I leaned on the rows of chairs to support my walking stopping for a few seconds to vomit out black tar on the church floor, I look onto my right, seeing a haunting image lit in pure red of a woman grabbing a fruit from a snake creature, it blinded me, I looked away and struggled walking towards the cross
As I made my way to the front row seats, I fell on the floor kneeling and crawling towards the lectern, but I was stopped by a supernatural forcefield on the spot where the light shined down at me most like a spotlight, judgement. I looked up at the cross towards the crucified Jesus statue, it looked like… He was looking down on me… disgusted by me as I desperately tried to crawl, doing anything I can just so I can prove myself to my love, so I can get her back after hurting her to the point of suicide… I look up to see his stone-cold gaze pierce through my skull, then suddenly, my head suddenly starts to ache badly, and my ears started to ring as my vision blurs, my hands begin to weaken as I fell down onto the cool floor, lying on my side.
After a few minutes of breathing with a chest that weighed my body like large rocks, sharp pains stabbing through my chest and out my pack like multiple spears lodged into me, visions of Yuki came flooding into my head the pain on my heart suddenly became more intense, and my head was filled with nothing but sadness, I closed my eyes… Ready to give up as tears running down the side of my head, passing out from the pain.
The time I regained consciousness and opened my eyes, I see her peaking at me from the hallway on the side of the church where I was looking at, then quickly she hides away from me, she still cares for me, she's looking after me, thank you God for giving me one more chance to take care of her.
After what feels like hours of grueling and painful crawling, I finally reach the back of the church where the graveyard is. It was pitch black… and both of my hands feel like they are covered in frostbite from the thick snow covering atop the grass.
I reached to where Yuki's coffin is, I see her sitting atop it, calling out for me, her voice breathing life into me from my ears, my heart beats itself back to life, I crawled as fast as I can towards her, my hearts stops as she was pulled into the coffin through the coffin door.
I crawled desperately towards her, I need to save her, I can't let her die or leave her to those demons like I did, I should've did this from the start when I first met her, once I reach her coffin I climbed it and used all my strength to open the coffin door, finally, I can save her. Once I catch a glimpse of her, her body lit a blinding light, this is God's present to me, and I'm given one last chance to take care of her.
I had carried her all the way from the church to my apartment which is about four blocks away, not too far which made all of this possible without needing help, I'm back sitting on my desk, writing, glancing towards her, seeing her glow as she rests. It was a struggle getting my door open, it was a miracle I got her here in the first place, goes to show that God wants this for me, I lay her down on my bed and pushed aside the hair on her face, her white and clear skin glowing, illuminating the room, her eyes open, those beautiful blue pearls gazing towards me, she opened her mouth ever so softly.
"You hurt me."
"I'm sorry, Yuki
"Why don't you let me rest, I'm tired, Aoi."
"Then stay here, please, I need you. I can't live without you."
Leaning forward, I plant a soft kiss on her forehead and rubbed her head, "How can I ever forgive you… For what you've done…?"
"I'm willing to do anything, rest now, a new day starts tomorrow"
She closes her eyes, not even giving me a 'Goodnight', tears falling on her sleeping body, Tears fall down on my eyes and onto her body, they evaporate as soon as they made contact with her, oh Yuki, I hope you have the heart to forgive me, I'll do anything.
Entry #1 – 08/25/96
Dear Diary, that sounds so bleh, totally the last time I'm going to write that, but anyways.
Reiko told me to get a diary just to vent out my thoughts but I probably won't be using this diary much, but I guess I'll start this diary off with an introduction, not like anyone will be reading it, I just want to feel like how it is to "vent" my problems away and scream them out on paper-form
Hi, my name is Aoi, Shinzou. I'm 16 years old right now and I am depressed clinically, I have a severe heart condition that makes my heart weaker, so I can't go fat or participate in P.E. class, I could see my classmate's jealous faces whenever I'm excused, heh… That's probably one of the reasons why they beat me up in class. My parents named me "Aoi" as some sick reminder of my birth, I knew they didn't mean that but hearing my name hurts more than ever.
When my mom conceived me, the doctors were panicking from the sight that I was blue, they had to run all sorts of tests and do all sorts of stuff to me until I was red, crying, and normal again, after that, they found out that I've inherited a rare disease from my mother's side, my mother has always been weak hearted, when she heard the news, her heart broke, she named me Aoi as a blessing which kind of doesn't make sense to me but whatev.
I have just failed my exams and I'm walking home from school, ugh… hopefully I don't get another one of those talks from my dad again, he's always so annoying, he doesn't know what I'm dealing with, everyone disregards it as something else, something about me, especially my parents… The firsthand witnesses of what my condition has done to me…
Girls at school doesn't like me either and the boys annoy me a lot, everyone teases me for being slow, weak, and for being an alien for not knowing how to relate to 'em when I literally cannot do anything about it… It's harsh… I always get pushed around by people, they're making my life genuine hell to live, the only girl who stood up for me was Reiko, I owe her a lot, she's been helping me out a ton and I wish I could help her back… Maybe someday I can
But anyways yeah, I haven't done my homework yet… Which I don't feel like doing since I'm already so tired… I'm just going to end this night off, I'll keep writing on this diary as much as I can, "ramble about my day" as Reiko told me, thank you Reiko for gifting this to me for my birthday, I knew I struggled with deciphering how people, how you feel, words I say that I didn't mean and the type of trouble I get in school, I'm sorry for being so dependent on you, and thank you, for everything, I wish I can repay you back somehow.
I guess Reiko was right, it actually felt nice writing but that emptiness in my chest is still there, I feel so heavy and weak still but my mind is a lot less clouded, Reiko really knows her stuff, once I get to see her in school tomorrow I'll go tell her personally about what I wrote in this diary, maybe even treat her to lunch and give her the leftover birthday cake that I'm never going to eat, that's definitely the plan.
Entry #___ - MM/DD/YY
Surrounded by the pink-light of morning I kiss Yuki's feet, feeling her soles as I worship her body like a goddess, she stares down at me with that condescending look of disappointment, that same look that sends shocks down my heart, she demands more from me, I'm here to give her everything.
I stopped taking my medicine completely, I don't need them anymore, they're poison made to keep Yuki and I apart, pink turns to darkness, darkness turns to day, I don't know what day it is today, am I even still alive? Even if this is still a dream, Yuki is still here with me, and she's all I'm ever going to need.
Today, I was given the best gift ever given to me, a gift that only God could have given me, and that's the gift of youth, in front of me was a girl standing so innocently, so surprised, that girl was me, my heart feels completely numb at this point, Yuki, I'm finally the same age as you! We can finally be together judge-free, we can finally be together, forever…
With my newfound youth, confidence and optimism surged through me, my lips curving into a confident smile as I walk towards our room and saw Yuki sitting down, staring into the window, sitting beside her, we both stared into the blue window, colouring me and the room with its shade, but not Yuki, she shined brightly through the darkness.
"Yuki, I'm so sorry." Slowly, my hand reaches for hers and grabbing and squeezing it gently.
A few more seconds of silence went by as I spent every one of them staring at her, eagerly waiting for her response, "It… Still hurts, Aoi"
"I know, I know, I shouldn't have forced myself onto you"
"…Like I accepted anything you've done to me recently."
"Yuki, please, I'll do anything for your love, anything."
Clenching my fists, tears ran down from my eyes as I desperately pleaded to her. "Look at me Yuki, I'm young again, we start our relationship over again and forget this ever happen, all we ever do is love each other, no school, no work, no parents, just us."
"Why would I ever want an isolated life with you, Aoi? You did this to me, to us, to yourself."
"Because I can treat you better than anyone, you don't need anyone else but me, everyone else don't exist, only us."
"No, you make your own happiness"
"Look at me" Yuki's shine flickered, showing a cold empty body for a split second, but that image burned itself into my mind, that numbed heart sending down shocks on my chest, forcing it to beat as fast as it can.
"Look at yourself" Looking down at my hands, they both look rotting, wrinkly, and disgusting, like they usually did, optimism and confidence quickly leave me as reality started falling down on me.
"You make your own happiness, you choose to believe all of this, because you're scared of the truth, scared of being alone again, scared of being dependent" My lungs close, struggling to give itself air and letting me breathe.
"We're both alone, we both seek comfort, but that comfort is not the fantasy you dreamed of me being a part of"
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHTU UP STU UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SPT SUTH SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT PU SHUP SHUT UP
[This space was intentionally left blank due to the page being filled with unintelligible scribbles]
A salty taste coats my tongue as I run my tongue down Yuki's feet again, I rise up and hugged her desperately, "Yuki, this isn't a dream, this is true, want to know how I know it's true? Because my feelings never left you, and it's going to stay that way for time to come, Oh, Yuki! I wish you know how much I need you, You're the only one who has given life to this Blue Heart, and I'll worship you until the day I die."
She froze for a second, afterwards, my face lights up from Yuki's gentle smile, "Then make me feel every ounce of your love, give me one more taste of you."
Giving each other space, we both looked at each other's shining eyes and faces, "Accept me for who I am, as I always did with you, and I will give you everything I have to give you, and worship you with all the gratitude I have for you, from the bottom of my dying heart."
"I love you, Aoi."
"I love you, Yuki."