Our walk continued for what seemed like hours. We passed through downtown, by the riverbank, near the highway which led to the other city with cars occasionally passing by. And now, we sat on a bench beneath a tree at the city park, its shadow casting a cool shade below. The place was roughly a thirty minute walk from the campus and a forty-two minute walk from the house.
Through it all, we only really talked once. An exchange about how summer was here, then ended there. Until now, there was only silence between us, and the rustling of trees whenever the warm afternoon breeze blew against their leaves.
The park itself was quiet, with only the distant laughter of children from the playground on the other side, as well as the faint sounds of cars passing by.
Our hands were still intertwined, but this time, I felt his grip had grown tighter than earlier. He might not have noticed it, but I did.
Looks like he's not the only one afraid of losing the other now... I thought to myself, looking down at my feet before gently shaking my head as I let out a small, bitter chuckle.
The sun that was overhead slowly descended, its light casting an orange hue along the city skyline from where we sat.
And then—
"It's been more than five months, hasn't it?" He murmured.
Slowly, I turned to face him, only to see that he'd been looking at me since earlier, quietly observing while I fell into deep thought.
For a second, time seemed to slow down.
How was it... that a mere look from him...
My breath hitched.
Could incur such... intricate emotions from someone such as myself....?
His free hand reached over to cup my cheek,
Gentle.
Tender.
Soothing.
It must've shown in my face, perhaps my mask finally cracked. That delicate balance I kept, between these... unfamiliar emotions I started to feel... and my desperate attempts to rationalize everything.
Even as my eyes met his, I could still see that fear he'd always tried to hide beneath that calm facade of his, except this time, it seemed as if... he'd finally acknowledged them... accepted them as... something he needed to face.
"Yeah... it's been that long..." I whispered.
The feeling of dampness seeped through my skirt. It was wet, for some reason...
It didn't hit me until his thumb gently wiped some sort of liquid from the corner of my eye.
It was tears.
Did I cry?
Am I crying?
I didn't understand.
Something inside me, from the deepest corners of my subconscious seemed to break.
SNAP
Like a rope that's finally given out, weathered by time, elements... or perhaps it simply could no longer bear the weight it had been holding.
It didn't make sense, to me, it certainly didn't. And yet, here I was.
He gently pulled me close as my tears continued to fall. I was sniffling, then sniffles slowly turning into quiet sobs. Words didn't form. No, I couldn't form any. He let go of my hand, the other one on my cheek made its way behind my back.
I found myself burying my face against his shoulder, my tears only fell harder, and at that moment, everything just... collapsed.
My constant attempts to keep myself collected, to maintain my calm, my act in front of him… all... came crashing down in mere seconds.
I still couldn't understand, why does my chest hurt whenever I lied to him? Why did it feel like a lump was forming in my throat everytime I told him I was fine?
Slowly, my hands made their way on his back, clutching his shirt, afraid—afraid at the fact that I couldn't comprehend what I was feeling, afraid that he might disappear if I let go.
I knew I was soiling his shirt with my tears, I knew I should pull away. Something deep inside kept screaming at me to let go, that I was treading on unfamiliar grounds.
But—
"I'm here, just let it all out... I won't leave..." his voice broke through every thought that was forming against this newfound sensation I was struggling to fully comprehend.
The same soft, gentle, and soothing voice he'd used to break down the walls I'd built around myself.
At his words, my sobs only grew louder, enough for him to fully hear.
I was supposed to be his anchor. I was fully aware of his fears of getting left alone, his fear of trusting others, this wasn't how I planned it to turn out.
I...
I was supposed to be the one giving him the reassurance that he needed...
But now I...
Why am I the one getting... anchored instead...?
Was I wrong for believing I could keep my act for as long as I wanted?
My chest still hurt, my throat... seemed to bear a lump within. My tears kept falling, and he... just held me, gently, yet tight. As if afraid I'd break further if he loosened his arms even slightly.
"I... I'm..." I choked out in-between sobs, even as my voice broke, I tried to force something out. To say something, instead he—
"Don't force yourself, Anathasia." He said softly as his hand caressed my hair.
"You don't need to force it... just take your time, okay?" He whispered, his hand now on the back of my head.
My sobs filled the stillness that followed after his words. I felt a strange sense of ease at his words, belonging? Perhaps assurance? Or was it... something else?
But now... those feelings didn't feel as oppressive. Like I could finally breathe and take my time understanding them, not by myself, but with him.
That's right...
I was never alone...
He was always there...
Why exactly did I try carrying everything by myself...?
I felt stupid, dumb, utterly foolish. He was always there, yet I... didn't even try to consider letting him in, while he was laying himself bare in front of me all this time.
"I... I'm sorry..." I murmured, my voice cracking.
"I broke our promise... even though I was the one who made it..." I paused, gently pulling away, just enough to meet his gaze.
"I said not to keep secrets... but all this time I..." My breath hitched, but I pushed further.
"I lied... I kept doing it... even when I knew I shouldn't... I thought I could carry it myself... I was stupid..." I truly was.
"I'm so sorry... Kyle..."
His expression visibly shifted, I saw his jaw tighten, then relaxed before his hand cupped my cheek again.
"I'm... equally at fault here..." He murmured, his gaze falling, a bitter smile formed on his lips.
"You kept things from me... but I wasn't any better..." he paused, his finger gently stroked my cheek.
"I doubted what we had... all because I was insecure of myself... I was scared you'd leave..." for a second, he looked away.
"I didn't doubt you, you were perfect... I doubted because I never thought I was enough..."
He paused briefly.
"So I kept our relationship at arm's length... convinced it would hurt less if it fell apart..."
Silence, then he lifted his head, his eyes meeting mine.
For a moment, we both fell silent, my sobs slowly ebbing away.
"I'm sorry... Anathasia... I should've believed in myself more... maybe then I could've-"
"Don't blame yourself for everything." I cut him off, gently wiping my tears before meeting his gaze.
"If anything... both of us were just as doubtful." I paused briefly, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Let's... let's start over, okay?"
He looked away, avoiding my gaze. But instead of letting him avert his eyes, I gently cupped his cheeks, forcing him to meet mine.
"I know... I made a promise and was the first one to break it," I wanted to look away, but this... I didn't want this chance to slip. For us to finally see eye to eye.
"I want to understand... and I... I can't do it without you, Kyle," A brief pause.
"I..." I hesitated, except, I needed to see it through.
"I want to see where this will take us... without restraint... maybe I can't understand everything right now.. but if you're here, I think I will. Eventually..."
Silence followed, but this time, we didn't need to put it into words. The silence was loud enough for us to understand—
Things couldn't stay the same.
Gently, I pulled him close. And this time, that fear from earlier was not as heavy. It was still there—faint, small, fading slowly, not completely, but still there nonetheless.
His hands wrapped around me, just like how I held him close. He loosened his grip, not as tight as before, but more tender, gentler.
"Anathasia, I..."
His breath hitched, uneven. My hand rose almost on its own, settling behind his head as my fingers brushed softly through his hair. The contact was gentle, deliberate. A promise, a grounding point, the reassurance I'd always wanted to give him.
"I..."
The word wavered, barely a sound. But in that trembling whisper, in the warmth of his breath against my shoulder, I could hear the shape of it, the weight of it.
I love you.
And for a heartbeat, everything inside me went still, not out of fear, but because something long-awaited had finally found its voice.