I once read a book by a man named "Mathew Hoover" He quoted in his book "A person cannot change without the morals of others," I acknowledge his quote and had it since I was young. I had a fever with books. It surprised me, as a 24-year-old man, to be reading books about life. It was almost as if it were useless at a point. Which it was. I majored in philosophy a couple of years ago during my college years.
I stood up from my chair and headed to the window. An orange sun halfway to the horizon, it sparked me since I was in a dieselpunk city. It felt quite the way it seemed. I raised my hands above my head and crossed them and laid them on the window as I was tearing up while watching the dawn.
3 bangs I heard. Coming outside of my door. I let go and slowly walked there with my almost robotic personality. I was almost as tired as a sloth running a marathon. From outside the door, I head a old man yelling for me to pay rent.
I lived in a one-bedroom apartment with 2 books and 4 pencils. I sleep on the floor and barely have any clothes. I loved it when I found money on the ground or in someone's pockets.
I opened the door and it was my landlord asking me to pay my rent. I had felt bad since I hadn't paid him for about 2 months. He seemed to have a distinct angry face. With his right fist balled up like he was about to right hook me. I stepped back and half unconsciously said "Please sir, one more month and it'll be there! Please, I beg for your mercy!" He replied with "If you don't owe me back next month, I'll kick you in an instant!" He angrily shouted. I shut the door and walked back to my desk.
I opened my journal that I had received years ago. I flipped through some pages and stopped on one. Page no. 86. It had a date on the top right and an agenda below. The date was "10/19/1984" At the time I was about 9 years old. My birthday was October 26th 1975. The agenda had written "I want to be an aspiring mangaka one day, and make the world see my books everywhere,"
When I read that, I felt a sensation that I couldn't quite recount, it kinda felt like sadness differing with hatred. My dream couldn't even come true.
I glanced to the right of my desk and I saw my wallet. I picked it up and opened it to see how many dollars I had. I had a rough amount of $3.45. I was almost at a death point. How is this going to work? I have nothing else but this desk in my bedroom which is supposed to have a bed.
I got back up and walked around my room thinking about one particular thing that had been irritating my mind for the past few days. Where can I find happiness? I thought that if I had money I would instantly find happiness. It's true, I will find happiness when I find money, that's how the human mind works. I want all the money. I was right to myself. I am greedy.
I wonder if anyone knew about me, how would they perceive me? I've never shown my true self, scarred it would make them concerned. It was almost evening at the time. There were no clouds as I looked upon my window again from the back of my empty room. I thought about what the meaning of life was at this time.
When people say "You have a purpose," Do they mean, rich and wealthy people? Clearly, that wasn't the case for me. It looked to me as if I had no purpose in life itself. If I didn't make a change I would never succeed. What do I even want to become? Should I rethink myself as a mangaka? Or should I love someone?
My family had died in a car crash when I was only around the age of 12. At that moment I knew my life was ending tragically. I didn't want to be some depressed guy. I really want to change. I want to feel happiness before anything.
I let go of the feeling of despair and started my way to greed. Greed was a sin I looked upon. Why did I? What was the purpose of greed? In this world, greed will make you rich, which is what I considered
As I sat down leaning against a wall looking up at my plain ceiling. I decided that I wanted to take a quick stroll outside. To at least observe what nature wanted from anyone.
I wore a plain light peach sweater with black trousers and got my hair ready. I looked in my one mirror and I looked pretty well. My hair was clean and very light blonde with light green eyes.
Although my personality is so boring, i wonder if anyone would like me. I felt emotionless. I hope no one saw me as a robot.
I walked out the door and realised it was quite quiet. I finally came to the understanding that I am a hopeless man who will never make it in life. In a sense that no one with a good life would understand unless they go through it. That's how the life of the ordinary works.
As I was walking I spotted a lady taking a walk with what seemed to be a baby stroller. I wish I had a kid who loved me. I wish I even had someone who at least loved me.
At least I can love myself. A sinner, a greedy sinner. That's what I labeled myself as and that's what I would assume god would label me as well.
What happened to me that made me who I am today? I couldn't pay for anything. I thought I should spend some money on some food.
I saw an old man and I approached up to him before he crossed the road right in front of him. I asked if I could have a spare change of his. He waved his hand in a blowing way as he was trying to avoid me. I could tell he didn't like me. It felt embarrassing. I could quote myself on one thing though. "I do like good as usual," he crossed his path and I walked after him.
My name was Beatrice. I never understood why my parents gave me a female name. I didn't care much, because I believed that if I told someone my name was different—like George—they would believe me without question. It was pathetic how simple humans were. Humanity felt like a boring trace of nature.
You could trick anyone these days. I thought of taking a loan but I would most definitely not be able to pay it back. I had stumbled upon to the old library that I used to go to. It was still up and running.
Knowing I couldn't buy anything I thought of reading a few pages myself. I entered and wandered around the library. It had a whole new section of books I hadn't seen the last time I was here. I saw a book that was quite related to me. It was labeled "Addictions" It had reminded me of my greed.
I put the book down. And I walked a bit out of the section to look at some people to maybe steal a bit of money from someone's pocket. I walked up to a nice lady who was browsing her own section. I saw she had what looked like a luxurious bag, either I steal that and sell it or I ask for some money. I walked up to her and asked if I could have a bit of spare change.
She asked me why and I answered "It's because my life is nothing." I think she understood and reached into her purse to grab some money. As she opened the bag she opened her wallet and I quickly grabbed her hand with my left hand and took the wallet with my right hand. I instantly ran out of the library and she yelled and the other people saw me do it.
I had covered the back of my head with my hands. I crossed the road and she exited the library to chase me. I ran and ran while cars kept beeping and stopping just because of me. I started sprinting at a point and kept going.
I knew she couldn't keep so I stopped. I felt like I was holding the holy grail. I went under this tunnel to count the money I had stole from that young and innocent women. 20, 40, 60, 80. $80 was my profit.
I had felt a bit bad since I had stolen almost all her personal info. I thought returning it with a mask just so she didn't know. That was too much work for me. Life was exhausting.
I knew I couldn't keep doing this. She's probably dialing the cops right now. I was a bit nervous so I slowly walked back to my apartment.
My rent was $200. I couldn't afford that yet but I almost can. One more person I can steal it from and it should be over. I reached a restaurant. I stopped to grab take-out for my apartment.
I got chicken with rice and a cold soda for the side. Let alone that woman's life was probably shattered just because of some hopeless man like me. She probably had a dream, she was chasing.
I don't even know how to live at the start. The sky had turned dark as I was waiting for my food to come in place. After 10 minutes of waiting, the food had arrived. I picked it up and payed and left the restaurant.
I don't think she could find me anymore. I took a different route to my apartment since the way I usually go probably had the lady still there.
Why do my sins always come back? I wish I had money so I could give instead of take. I think every kid has dreamed of that before.
I finally reached my apartment with guilt. I entered my room and saw it the same as it was before. I don't know why I was expecting a long stack of money lying on the ground. I sat on the ground and got ready to eat.
As I was eating, my thoughts started to take over again.
I was about to cry in a happy mood. Why does it have to be like this again? I don't even need to be rich, why can't I just be normal? As I started crying I didn't want to eat my food.
I wanted someone to at least guide me. I never got into any jobs in my life. It was one of the hardest lives I've ever faced.
When I finished eating my food I realised that it had been 2 hours of me eating. I never wanted to be a robber. But when a man is desperate, he would do anything to get what he wants.
I was full so I drank my soda and took off all my sweaters and wore my normal half-sleeves and half pants. I opened my window and let a silent cold breeze enter the room while I was drinking my soda.
I don't think life has ever been this miserable. Maybe if I weren't born, would this world be better? I didn't know if I already said that before but I couldn't stop myself from controlling it.
My landlord is going to take my money and I'm gonna be broke again. Why not try to find a job now? I wish to cry so much that all the pain would just vanish... I wish. I finished my soda and threw it out the window.
It had turned 11 PM. I closed my windows and got my blanket and a very thin mattress and my pillow. I turned off my lights and tucked myself in. I thought about my future jobs I could possibly get while I was trying to sleep.
Maybe a mangaka again? Maybe even a library employee? There was nothing I could hope for. I just had to let it happen. Do I find purpose from nature or from humans?