I closed the door behind me and placed my keys on top of the kitchen counter. She turned and looked at me and smiled. The nerve.
"Hello, I am Sandra," she said as she held out her hand for a shake. I declined.
"I know very well who you are," I said. Sandra was probably a size twenty eight with a fluffy Afro and light skin. She was neither tall nor short.
"Oh, someone is in a mood," she said as she placed her glass in the sink.
"Where is my husband?" I asked.
"Why would I know?" she replied.
"Because you are here," I said.
"So me being here, how does it," she started.
"You know you are lucky that you are pregnant, otherwise I'd be mopping the floor with your face. What are you doing in my house if my husband is not here?" I asked.
"Oh dear, you haven't heard? I now live here," she said.
"Wait, what do you mean you live here?" I asked.
"Well, I am carrying Sean's first born. You really did not expect me to live far away from his father?" she said.
Another bombshell. Why would this man disrespect me like this?
"You did not have to rub it in. How long have you been staying here?" I asked.
"Three weeks," she said.
"Wow," I replied.
"You really didn't know? Yho, get yourself checked lady. You cannot be serious right now, did you not notice?" she asked.
"Excuse me," I said. I grabbed my keys and went upstairs to my room.
I searched for my cell phone and found it. It had missed calls and messages, all from Sean. I dialed him back.
"Thank goodness you're okay. Where are you? I am worried," he said.
"Quit acting like you care. Where are you?" I asked.
"I am driving back home," he said.
"Oh well, drive faster. We have to talk," I told him.
"What? You are at home?" he asked.
"Mxm," I said and dropped the call.
I sat on the bed. How did I not see all this? The calls were not the same and he was always busy. I had been a fool. I was bruised deeply inside my heart after all those years we were trying for a baby without succeeding. The sleepless nights, the cries, and the prayers—all that for nothing. But I was not questioning how God decided this would play out.
I also could not deny the fact that I was emotionally hurt and drained. He did not only get her pregnant but invited her to stay for the duration of the pregnancy. He gave her keys to our house. But I was told to pray for forgiveness. Hatred has no place in my heart and my tears will not be in vain. I said a little prayer, my heart aching like someone decided to cut it slowly and painfully. I leaned on the headboard and felt tears wetting my face. This man didn't respect me at all and it was time to let all of this be, to slowly step out of this union.
After what felt like forever, I got out of bed and walked to the shower. There is something peaceful about warm water hitting your skin. It soothes and makes you feel clean, not only externally but internally too. I wore pajamas a sponsored t-shirt with cotton shorts and a silk doek to be exact. Yes, they count as pajamas too.
I walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen. My husband was busy at the stove cooking.
"I thought you were resting," he said.
"I was," I replied.
"I am making something to eat. I told the cook to take a day off," he said.
I didn't even bother answering him. I took out fruit from the fridge and turned on the kettle for water to boil. I needed a strong coffee.
"How was Tanzania?" he asked.
"Fine," I said. I sat down on the chair and ate my fruit.
"Just fine?" he asked.
I gave him a look and continued indulging in my fruit. His mistress walked in and my stomach turned. I didn't even feel like eating anymore. Composure, Beauty.
"You know you should be sleeping by now?" he asked her.
It had been certified; I was the clown of the circus.
"I know, but with all these cravings I can hardly close my eyes. White bread with raw purple onion rings and a spread of mayonnaise, mhhh," she said.
I almost choked. Who in their right mind eats that? I wouldn't understand odd pregnancy cravings.
"What?" he asked.
"Yes, and make it for me," she said.
Clingy. Lady, hold yourself. I got up and walked back to my bedroom. I couldn't seriously watch them doing all that. To say I was hurt was an understatement. I was beyond hurt. The door opened and he came in.
"Beauty," he said.
"Go be with her. She needs you more than I do," I said. I was defeated.
"I don't want her. I want you," he said.
I chuckled. "Is 'fool' written on my forehead?" I asked.
"No," he said.
"Then why do you keep on treating me like one?" I asked.
"I am sorry," he replied.
"How will sorry fix everything?" I asked, keeping my voice firm.
"It won't. I know that, but we can move forward from this," he said.
"You cheated, impregnated her, and invited her to come stay in our house! Our home! And now you tell me we can move forward from this? You must be high on something strong," I told him.
"We can talk it out. Please calm down," he said.
I laughed. "Calm down? You do this and tell me to calm down? Today you woke up planning to send me to hell straight! Hayi ndiyagezeleka," I said.
"This is for the both of us, Buli. Listen, when she told me she was pregnant I initially suggested an abortion. I even gave her money for it, but she didn't do it. She told me she couldn't and I sat down and thought about this. I am going to be a father, something I've wanted for the longest time. I then later gave her keys to the house because I need her to be here so she can have a smooth pregnancy. She wouldn't have that in her flat," he said.
He was proud of what he did, not at all sorry. By the look of things, he would do it again.
"So for the duration of her pregnancy she will be here?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
"You love her?" I asked.
"No, I don't," he replied.
"You just wanted a child with her?" I asked.
"It was unplanned, hence at first I told her to abort it," he said.
"So what do you think will happen to our marriage?" I asked.
"We work it out. We can overcome this. We will take it as a test from God," he said.
I shook my head. I was being made a fool.
"We can work it out, Bee. I do not want to lose you but I will understand if you want a divorce. Mother is also coming for a visit this weekend," he said.
I remained silent.
"I hope you will be here and yes, Sandra will join us too," he said.
I looked at him. My first day being home after being away for months and I was welcomed by a gift full of disappointments, betrayals, heartache, and pain. Welcome back, Beauty.
He walked out of the room. I crawled under the covers and hugged myself. I felt like my soul was being taken out of my body violently. He cheated yet went on as if it was not wrong. He impregnated her and that hurt more than anything. I was going to be mocked and laughed at by people. Maybe he did that to prove he was not the problem, but what he didn't know was that I could conceive too.
When I was in Tanzania, I got myself examined and there was nothing wrong with me. I was told I produce eggs and anytime they meet a sperm I could get pregnant without any hassle. What confused me more was that if he was not the problem and I was not either, why was it so hard for us to have our own children? He is fertile and I am too, but what keeps going wrong? The only explanation I could come up with was that maybe God didn't want us to have one yet. Maybe our time was coming and I could only hope. I dozed off after trying to contemplate what might be keeping us from having a child.