Read my new story :
American Fast & Furious NSFW
America's #1 Scumbag NSFW
Hogwarts Great Hall.
The air tonight was thick with the scent of testosterone mixed with ginger.
On the left side of the stage was Snape's "Hair Tonic Fairy Choir." Hundreds of palm-sized Snapes swarmed in the air like angry hornets, shouting in unison:
"Baldness is shameful! Long live hair growth! Professor Snape is supreme! Those who don't buy hair tonic are trash!"
The voices carried psychic damage properties, making the students' heads buzz as they scrambled for cover.
On the right side of the stage.
Young Dumbledore pushed up his sunglasses, revealing a wickedly charismatic smile.
"Since magical attacks aren't working," he shouted into the microphone, "let's get physical!"
"Herbology Department · Macho Muscle Team! Enter!"
Accompanied by earth-shaking footsteps, a group of hulking figures walked onto the stage.
Leading them was Professor Sprout. But she was no longer the kindly old lady.
She wore a tight tank top, her biceps bigger than Hagrid's head, gripping a magical vine as thick as a telephone pole.
Behind her were Professor McGonagall (Muscle Barbie Edition) and Professor Flitwick (doing pull-ups on stilts).
"For the peace of Hogwarts!" Professor Sprout roared, her voice rough as sandpaper. "So Severus's noise pollution stops assaulting everyone's ears! Let's go!"
The music started.
Not an elegant waltz, but the heavy stomping beat of Queen's We Will Rock You.
THUMP! THUMP! CLAP!
The macho professors began stomping the floor.
With every stomp, the chandeliers in the Great Hall swayed violently.
A visible shockwave of sound blasted outward from the stage.
"AHHH—!!"
The Hair Tonic Fairies in the air instantly suffered a dimensional strike.
Their sharp, toxic tongues were powerless against absolute physical volume.
Like mosquitoes hitting a high-pressure water cannon.
The fairies were blown sideways, some even foaming at the mouth (despite not having mouths), falling from the sky like dumplings into a pot.
"It's quiet!" Ron covered his ears and shouted in surprise. "It's actually quiet! As long as the noise is loud enough, we can't hear Professor Snape's insults!"
Just as everyone thought the tide had turned.
The doors to the Great Hall were blasted open.
ROAR—!!!
Five massive, winged Blast-Ended Skrewts charged in.
Their fur was dyed in neon colors, they wore sunglasses, and thick gold chains (sponsored by Lucius) hung around their necks.
"Is that... a Skrewt Boy Band?" Hermione was dumbstruck.
Ivan rushed onto the stage with a megaphone:
"Ladies and gentlemen! Next up, please welcome—personally produced by the Dark Lord, invited as special guests by Professor Snape, Hogwarts' strongest Rap Group—"
"[Dark Boys · Skrewt 101]!"
The five Skrewts moonwalked onto the stage in perfect sync.
The center Skrewt (the evolved one from earlier) suddenly opened its mouth and spat a jet of green fire, forming words in the air: "PAY ME!"
Immediately after, they began their performance.
No instruments, just the sounds of fire-breathing and chomping.
"Yo Yo Check it out!
This is Hogwarts, not your home!
Want hair tonic? Find that old bat Snape!
His hair is like grease, his mouth is a sting!
Buy buy buy! Swipe swipe swipe!
Don't buy? The Skrewt eats your toupee!
Boom! Shakalaka!"
The crowd went wild.
When had the students ever seen this?
This savage, stupid, yet violently aesthetic performance instantly hit their G-spots.
"Skrewt! Skrewt! Skrewt!"
The cheers nearly lifted the roof off.
Even Dumbledore's "Muscle Choir" stood frozen.
Professor Sprout dropped her magical vine. "Is... is this a branch of Herbology?"
Meanwhile, in a corner of the stage.
Voldemort sat on a crate, looking utterly defeated.
The Crayon Shin-chan nose on his face had turned a high-beam fluorescent pink due to the heated atmosphere, flashing blindingly.
"Master..." Quirrell whispered. "The Skrewts... seem more popular than you."
Voldemort gritted his teeth, his nose emitting beep-beep-beep electric sounds.
"Shut up!" Voldemort growled. "Once my nose is fixed... I'm turning them all into taxidermy!"
Just then.
The Center Skrewt ran over to Voldemort and dragged him up with a claw.
"Roar?" (Join us?)
"I'm not going! I am the Dark Lord!" Voldemort struggled.
But the Skrewt possessed immense strength and dragged him straight to center stage.
The music hit its climax.
The Skrewts circled Voldemort, their fire breath forming emojis of Voldemort's green face in the air.
And Voldemort's nose, due to shock and shame, suddenly glitched.
It stopped changing colors and stuck on RED, continuously venting high-temperature steam.
Hiss—
Two jets of white steam shot out of Voldemort's nostrils, making him look like a boiling kettle.
"Oh! Look at those special effects!" Ivan shouted from below. "The Dark Lord's 'Angry Steam Nose'! That's a hidden skill only VIPs get to see!"
The audience was stunned, then erupted into even louder applause.
"So realistic! That magic effect must have cost at least fifty cents!"
Voldemort: ???
My nose is literally steaming!!
While the Great Hall descended into madness.
Snape sat at the Staff Table, watching the scene with a livid expression.
In his hand, he crumpled an urgent letter just delivered.
It was from Grindelwald in Azkaban.
The letter contained only one sentence:
> "Severus, your hair tonic is selling like crazy in Azkaban. The Dementors traded souls for ten thousand bottles. But I have no money for your dividends because I ate the vault. — G.G."
Snape's hand trembled.
"Ate... ate it?"
Hagrid leaned over to peek at the letter and marveled:
"Wow, Lord Grindelwald has great teeth. Even ate a vault."
Snape took a deep breath and stood up abruptly.
"Ivan!"
"Here! Professor!" Ivan was sweating profusely from collecting tips.
"Go catch those Skrewts for me!" Snape pointed at the stage. "Since Grindelwald ate my vault, I'm taking his 'investment products'—that frog and these Skrewts—as collateral! I'm turning them into specimens and selling them one by one to Grindelwald's old followers!"
"What about Voldemort?"
Snape glanced at Voldemort, who was providing steam accompaniment with his nostrils, and sneered:
"Keep him. Since his nose works as a spotlight, Mr. Riddle is paying tonight's electric bill."
However, plans never keep up with changes.
Just as Snape prepared to catch the Skrewts.
The Center Skrewt suddenly made a move no one expected.
It pulled a golden, shining object from behind its butt (or rather, under its shell).
It was the Sword of Gryffindor.
But the Skrewt used it as a microphone stand.
The Skrewt jammed the sword into the stage floor, leaned into the microphone (actually a model of Snape's fake nose), and let out a roar that deafened everyone:
"SNAPE! GIVE ME MY WAGES!!"
Snape: ???
I'm being dunned for wages by a lizard?
Dead silence.
Then, all the fairies, the muscle professors, and the students shouted in unison:
"Pay up! Pay up! Pay up!"
Snape looked at this mob brainwashed by capitalism and felt a deep sense of powerlessness for the first time.
He turned to look at Young Dumbledore.
Young Dumbledore had his arms crossed, whistling innocently, but the mirth in his eyes was overflowing.
"Albus..." Snape gritted his teeth. "Is this your plan too?"
Young Dumbledore shrugged, muscles rippling with the movement.
"Don't look at me, Severus. It's called 'Market Forces.' In today's Hogwarts, he who wins the hearts wins the Galleons. Look, even Voldemort is working for you, blowing steam."
Voldemort had given up resisting.
He stood center stage with dead eyes, steam shooting from his nostrils, maracas shoved into his hands, forced to shake his body to the Skrewt's rhythm.
Ivan had even projected text onto his Crayon Shin-chan nose: [Part-Time Dark Lord · Busking Online].
Snape took a deep breath and smoothed his shiny, egg-like head.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
He pulled a bottle of green hair tonic from his robes, walked onto the stage, and snatched the flame microphone from the Skrewt.
"Since everyone wants it..." Snape flashed a standard businessman's fake smile at the camera. "Then I present the 'Hogwarts · Baldness Rescue Plan · Supreme VIP Edition.'
"Only 998!
"You get:
1. One autographed pec photo of Headmaster Dumbledore!
2. One session of Voldemort's snot... oh no, Steam Nose Fumigation!
3. And... one hickey from a Blast-Ended Skrewt!"
The Skrewt cooperatively licked Snape's face, leaving a large patch of green saliva.
Snape didn't even wipe it off and continued shouting:
"Order now! First ten get a piece of 'Grindelwald's Gold Toilet Fragment'! First come, first served!"
"I'M BUYING!!"
"ME TOO!!"
"TAKE MY SOUL!!"
The Great Hall went completely insane.
Meanwhile, in Azkaban, Grindelwald watched this scene in the water mirror and laughed so hard he spat out the fly in his mouth.
"Hahahaha! Severus! You've finally become what you hated most! But I like it! That's the vision a Dark Lord should have!"
He turned and shouted at the Dementors:
"What are you looking at? Never seen capitalist exploitation? Start practicing! Next song: 'We Want to be Slaves to Hair Tonic'!"