Early Morning, Hogwarts Great Hall.
The air was thick with the smell of burnt hair and extra-hold setting spray.
The front page of the Daily Prophet was plastered on the enchanted ceiling (courtesy of Ivan's Levitation Charm):
[SHOCKING! Gellert Grindelwald's Aesthetic Collapse! Blast-Ended Skrewt Wins "Hairstyle of the Year"!]
The accompanying photo featured the giant Blast-Ended Skrewt.
Its current look was nothing short of artistic. To cover up his own balding reality, Grindelwald had stayed up all night casting "Wild Hair Growth Charms" on the Skrewt and gluing on a ton of porcupine quills.
Now, the Skrewt was rocking a black mushroom cloud on its head, fully embracing the trendy "Tinfoil Perm + Anti-Gravity Levitation" style.
Every time it sneezed, the quills on its head would explode outward like a dandelion puff, whipping up a mini tornado inside the Great Hall.
"That is so cool!" Ron, sporting a freshly ruined bird's nest haircut (he tried to copy the Skrewt but ended up looking like a tumbleweed), stared in envy. "Hagrid! Can the Skrewt take me as an apprentice? I want that 'Just Struck by Lightning' vibe too!"
"No!" Before Hagrid could answer, Snape's icy voice cut in.
"That hairstyle is aesthetically bankrupt, chaotic, and evil. Only a Mountain Troll would appreciate it. Potter, put your phone away and stop filming!"
Snape looked very different today.
His usually greasy, limp black hair was now... voluminous.
Yes, voluminous.
To combat the "Perm Trend" set by the Skrewt, Snape was forced into Hogwarts' "Hair Volume Arms Race." He tried to use a powerful hair-straightening potion to flatten it out, but because the potion was expired (Ivan had swapped it with "Bouncy & Full Volumizer"), his hair had poofed up into a perfect Cloud Strife (from Final Fantasy VII) cosplay.
"Professor," Ivan held up a recording crystal ball, hiding behind a pillar to sneak a shot, "your current look has serious 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' pressure. Really. Especially those bangs; they look like two daggers ready to stab someone."
"Shut up!" Snape grabbed a salt shaker and hurled it. Because his hair was so puffy, his movement caused his entire head to poof out even larger.
"This is... tactical volume! To confuse the enemy!"
Just then, the doors to the Great Hall were slammed open.
Voldemort walked in.
But today, he wasn't wearing his flashy outfits. Instead, he wore a massive hood that completely obscured his face. He walked stiffly, like an elderly man recovering from hip surgery.
"Tom?" Quirrell trailed behind him, holding a pair of clippers that were still dripping blood, looking panicked.
"Don't look at me!" Voldemort roared in a hushed voice, tears evident in his tone. "Nobody look at the top of my head!"
Ivan leaned in curiously. "What's wrong? Tom, allergic to your new nose strip?"
"It's not the nose!" Voldemort violently threw back his hood.
The entire hall gasped.
Voldemort's scalp, which was usually nose-less but at least smooth, was now... bruised purple and green, and shaved down to a short layer of fuzz. He looked exactly like an unripe watermelon.
"QUIRRELL!!" Voldemort pointed a shaking finger at Quirrell. "You said this was 'necessary prep for hair transplants'! Why is all my hair gone?! Even my eyebrows are gone?!"
Quirrell shivered, the clippers in his hand still sporting two white eyebrows. "M-Master... that's because... because we used too much hair tonic, the hair grew too fast. To balance it out... I had to... shave it..."
"Balance my foot!!" Voldemort broke down. "Now I look like an Azkaban escapee! A malnourished one at that!"
Turns out, Voldemort saw Grindelwald go bald and felt secretly smug, thinking he finally won the "Hair Volume War."
To utterly crush Grindelwald, he forced Quirrell to give him a hair transplant.
But Quirrell's hand slipped, pouring too much tonic. The hair grew wildly, wrapping Voldemort in a cocoon. To save him (and himself), Quirrell had no choice but to shave Voldemort bald, calling it "returning to one's roots."
"This is simply..." Snape stared at Voldemort's green melon head. He wanted to mock him, but looking at the hair straightener in his own hand, he felt a sudden pang of sympathy. "This is simply Hogwarts' Doomsday."
"Ivan!" Voldemort spotted Ivan hiding in the corner and looked at him like a lifeline. "Does your Metaverse have a 'Wig Module'? Quick! Get me something realistic! I need a style that says 'I'm bald but still commanding'!"
Ivan looked at Voldemort's shiny green scalp and stifled a laugh. "I do... but Tom, the current trend is the 'Skrewt Afro.' Want to try that? I see Professor Quirrell still has the clippers; we can give you a tinfoil perm right here."
"I am the Dark Lord!" Voldemort shrieked. "Not a sheep!"
"Then there's only this." Ivan pulled out a green wig he had prepared earlier (made from Snape's reject hair tonic batches), which smelled faintly of ginger. "This is the 'Snape Special · Cool Mint Edition.' Not only does it cover the ugly, but it also wakes you up."
Voldemort looked at the bright green wig, then at Snape's puffy "Cloud Strife" hair.
He gritted his teeth and jammed the wig onto his head.
Because he put it on too fast, it was crooked, revealing a patch of green scalp. He looked like a watermelon spirit wearing a green hat.
"Good." Voldemort adjusted the wig, trying to regain his composure. "Now, I declare war on Grindelwald. Since a Skrewt won the beauty pageant with a hairstyle, I will conquer the fashion world with 'Baldness'! Quirrell, get me ten bottles of hair tonic! I'm going to dye this green skin blonde!"
"Master, the hair tonic is out of stock..." Quirrell whispered. "Professor Snape took it all to make 'Failed Straightening Repair Serum'."
Snape was currently using the flat iron on a stubborn bang. Hearing this, he looked up coldly. "That is my private property. Potter, if you dare use my tonic to style the Skrewt again, I will pluck your eyebrows one by one."
"Professor, it's called resource integration." Ivan aimed the camera at Snape's sizzling bangs while narrating. "Fam, see this? This is the daily life of 'Hogwarts Stylist Tony.' Order the Snape-Style Flat Iron now and get a free sample of 'Ivan's Anti-Baldness Shampoo'!"
> [System Alert: Livestream popularity hit 20 Million! Donation received: 5,000 Galleons!]
Snape heard the alert, his hand slipped, and the flat iron burned his scalp.
"Hiss—!" Snape sucked in a breath, the smell of burnt feathers intensifying.
Just then, Dobby's hologram popped up, this time wearing a barber's cape.
> [BREAKING NEWS! Challenge from Nurmengard! Mr. Grindelwald says since everyone is bald, we might as well hold a 'Bald Head Tournament'! Grand Prize: Headmaster Dumbledore's... First Kiss Photo?]
The Great Hall exploded.
Ron (curling his hair), Voldemort (implanting hair), and Snape (straightening hair) all stopped simultaneously.
"Albus's first kiss photo?" Snape narrowed his eyes, the flat iron in his hand buzzing with dangerous electricity. "That bastard Gellert... how does he have that?"
"I'm in!" Voldemort jumped up, his wig nearly falling off. "I will win back Albus's... no, I will win back the Dark Lord's dignity! Quirrell! Dye my green scalp blonde! NOW! IMMEDIATELY!"
"I'm going too." Snape stood up coldly, his puffy Cloud Strife hair messy in the wind. "I'm going to show that old bastard what a true 'Guardian of the Hairline' looks like."
Ivan watched this gathering of monsters and silently pointed the camera at the Blast-Ended Skrewt gnawing on a table leg.
"Alright fam," Ivan made a finger heart at the camera, "next stream: 'The Bald Boy Band's Trip to Nurmengard.' Tickets 998, includes a hair tonic trial size. By the way, Professor Snape's 'Cloud Strife' Setting Spray is on sale in my shop~"
Snape turned around, staring dead at Ivan.
"Potter... I want an 80% cut of your livestream revenue. As a 'Portrait Usage Fee'."
"Deal!" Ivan agreed instantly. Snape didn't know how much he was actually making anyway.
Just as everyone was preparing to leave for Nurmengard.
A silent Professor McGonagall suddenly walked over.
She held a pair of scissors, looking at Snape with determination.
"Severus," McGonagall said, "your split ends are severe. As Deputy Headmistress, it is my duty to trim them for you. Sit."
Snape: ???
"Minerva, what are you doing? Stay back! My hairstyle is tactical! OUCH! Don't cut my bangs! That's my life source!"
Snape's wretched screams and Voldemort's maniacal laughter filled the Great Hall.
Ivan watched this scene with satisfaction, editing the clip of "Professor McGonagall's Hardcore Haircut." Title: [Are All Hogwarts Barbers This Hardcore?]
However, what he didn't notice was...
Behind him, the green-headed Voldemort was secretly stuffing a bottle of "Potent Hair Growth Potion" that Ivan had dropped into his sleeve.
"As long as I drink this..." Voldemort looked at Snape's thick (albeit puffy) hair, eyes shining with greed. "I will grow hair thicker than Grindelwald's! Then, I will be the true 'Hair King'!"
Voldemort unscrewed the cap and downed it in one gulp.
Three seconds later.
BOOM!
A jet of green flame shot out of the top of Voldemort's head, instantly burning his new wig to ash.
On his green melon head, a single... pink pigtail with a bow instantly sprouted.
Dead silence.
Voldemort touched the little pink pigtail swaying in the wind, tears streaming down his face.
"Quirrell..."
"Here, Master..."
"Kill me."