Early Morning, Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory.
Ivan sat up, yawning, and immediately felt a draft on the top of his head.
"Weird," he muttered, patting his scalp. "Why does it feel like my head is breathing fresh air?"
He casually grabbed the mirror beside his pillow (his modified Alchemical Selfie Mirror) and took a look.
A second later, a bloodcurdling scream echoed through the entire castle.
"AHHHH!! WHERE IS MY HAIR?! My lush, intelligent hair that was ready for a shampoo commercial?! Where did it go?!"
In the mirror, Ivan's head was as smooth as a peeled hard-boiled egg, reflecting a dazzling shine in the morning light.
Beside his pillow lay an empty potion bottle with a sticky note attached:
> [Professor Snape's Special Blend · Potent Hair Removal Potion · Deluxe Edition]
> Applicable Areas: Scalp, leg hair, even eyebrows.
> Side Effects: May cause permanent hair loss everywhere below the eyebrows. You're welcome.
Ivan picked up the note with trembling hands, tears streaming down his face.
"Severus... you are ruthless! I just sold your dancing video! Did you really have to make me a monk?!"
Just then, the door swung open.
Ron walked in sporting massive dark circles under his eyes, holding a copy of the Daily Prophet.
"Ivan, did you hear? Voldemort... oh wait, Mr. Tom has become the Muggle world's 'Nasal Plastic Surgery Ambassador'... WHOA! Why does your head look like a lightbulb?"
Ivan covered his face in despair. "Don't look! Viewing fee applies!"
"No, I mean," Ron fished something out of his pocket, "since you're bald, maybe you can use this."
It was a... nose.
A giant, flesh-colored, foundation-caked... fake nose.
"Quirrell just threw this in the trash," Ron explained. "He said it was Lord Voldemort's 'Backup Nose Model · XL Size.' Since the Prime Minister took the previous one, Quirrell tossed this reject. Ivan, want to try it? It's a bit big, but better than no nose."
Ivan looked at the fake nose, then at his shiny bald head in the mirror.
"Desperate times call for desperate measures."
Ten Minutes Later.
Hogwarts Great Hall.
Ivan walked in with his head lowered, wearing the gigantic fake nose.
Because it was designed for Voldemort's flat, bridge-less face, it looked ridiculously awkward perched on Ivan's high nose bridge.
The fake nose wasn't just big; it was slightly crooked, looking like a squashed eggplant.
"If it isn't Mr. Potter," Snape said from the Staff Table, sipping pumpkin juice. The corner of his mouth twitched upward almost imperceptibly. "New look? Very... post-modern wasteland style. Matches your current IQ perfectly."
"Professor, this is all thanks to you," Ivan gritted his teeth, trying to adjust the fake nose. The glue wasn't holding well, so the nose wobbled precariously, looking like it was about to fall off.
Just then, the PA system crackled to life.
The Muggle Prime Minister's voice boomed out, unable to hide his excitement:
"Attention, wizard friends! Great news! After friendly negotiations between myself and Mr. Tom Riddle, we have decided to launch the 'Riddle Brand · 3D Printed Bionic Nose'! Order now for only 998! Not only does it cover original nasal defects, but you can also customize it with the 'No-Nose' smooth skin finish! Get that Dark Lord aesthetic today!"
The Great Hall erupted in uproar.
"Mr. Tom really will do anything for money..." Hagrid sighed while feeding the Blast-Ended Skrewts.
Immediately after, Voldemort's voice came over the broadcast, sounding shaky and forced:
"Yes... for the greater... commercial profit. Having a perfect nose is every wizard's dream. Even if you don't have a nose, you can own a fake... oh no, an artistic nose."
"I'll buy ten!" Lucius Malfoy suddenly jumped up, raising his hand and shouting. "Give me a 'Riddle Model' too! I'll slice my real nose off to wear it!"
"Have you lost your mind, Lucius?" Snape said coldly. "It is a piece of silicone."
"It's faith, Severus!" Lucius's eyes burned with fanaticism. "Plus, the Prime Minister said the first hundred buyers get a 'Voldemort Autographed Nose Hair'! This is the glory of the pure-bloods!"
Ivan listened to all this, feeling suffocated.
He tried to take a sip of the milk in front of him, but the giant fake nose blocked the cup.
He jerked his head back—
Snap.
The glue on the fake nose finally gave way.
The massive flesh-colored object plopped straight into his pumpkin juice, splashing orange liquid everywhere.
Dead silence.
Ivan sat there with his shiny bald head, his face left with only two real nostrils, staring blankly at the swollen fake nose floating in his cup.
"Ahem," Ivan wiped his face awkwardly. "Um... this is a new way to eat. Pumpkin juice soaked... nose?"
Just then.
BOOM—!!!
Hogwarts Castle shook violently, as if kicked by a giant.
The chandeliers on the ceiling swayed wildly, and Snape's bottles of hair tonic crashed to the floor.
"What is happening?!" Dumbledore (Muscle Version) squeezed out of his portrait, holding half a Fizzing Whizzbee.
Hagrid rushed into the Great Hall, looking terrified. "Bad news! Something huge is coming from the Forbidden Forest! It's... it's Mr. Grindelwald! He's driving a tank!"
"A tank?" Professor McGonagall was stunned. "Where did he get a tank?"
"He says it's an 'Alchemical Mod · Steampunk Armored Vehicle'!" Hagrid shouted. "And he's carrying an RPG! He says he's here to settle the score with Dobby because Dobby cut his livestream signal!"
Before he could finish, another loud bang resonated.
BOOM!
A massive hole was blasted into the Great Hall's wall. Dust cleared to reveal Grindelwald's angry yet still handsome face.
He was wearing a black trench coat, carrying a giant rocket launcher on his shoulder. Behind him parked an armored vehicle puffing black smoke, cobbled together from the bones of various magical creatures.
"WHERE IS ALBUS?!" Grindelwald roared, vibrating the glass. "Hand over that damn house-elf! And who is Ivan Potter? Get out here!"
Ivan shrunk under the table, trying to cover his bald head and pumpkin-juice-stained face with the tablecloth.
"Don't find me... don't find me..."
"I know you're there!" Grindelwald raised the rocket launcher, aiming it directly at Snape (since Snape was sitting right next to Ivan). "Count of three! If you don't come out, I'll blast this bottle of hair tonic into the stratosphere!"
Snape looked at the warhead flashing a dangerous red light, his face turning paler than Ivan's bald head.
"Potter!" Snape growled. "Get out there! Don't you dare endanger my hair tonic!"
Ivan crawled out in despair, raising his hands. "I'm here! Mr. Grindelwald! Let's talk this out! No need for violence! We can collaborate! Like... livestream sales revenue sharing?"
Grindelwald narrowed his eyes, sizing up this bald boy with fake nose glue still on his face.
"You are the bastard who cut Gellert Grindelwald's video call?"
"That was the system's automated defense mechanism..." Ivan whispered defensively.
"Cut the crap!" Grindelwald jumped down from the vehicle, grabbing Ivan by the collar (and warping Snape's expensive robes in the process). "My Super Rockets were wasted! I want to see Voldemort pole dancing! NOW! IMMEDIATELY!"
"Tom is filming a commercial..."
"Make him crawl back here!" Grindelwald tossed Ivan aside and turned to Snape, a hint of surprise in his eyes. "Oh, Severus. Your hair... looks even thinner than the last time we met. Need me to perform a physical hair transplant? You can borrow my tank treads."
Snape gripped his wand tight. "No need. Please leave Hogwarts immediately, or I will activate the castle's defense system."
"Defense system?" Grindelwald smiled disdainfully and snapped his fingers.
The armored vehicle's turret swiveled, aiming at the center of the Great Hall.
"At this range, my 'Avada Cannon' can turn you all into molecules."
At this critical moment.
The giant Blast-Ended Skrewt lying on the floor suddenly moved.
It smelled the scent of "Powerful Dark Magic" on Grindelwald and thought it was something tasty (or maybe Mom's new toy?).
"Mom... Mom... play..."
The Skrewt let out a low rumble, then launched itself like a cannonball at Grindelwald.
Grindelwald paused. Before he could react, the Skrewt's massive tongue licked his entire face with saliva.
"URGH! What is this monstrosity! Get off! Don't lick my face! This is custom-made moisturizer!"
Chaos erupted.
The Skrewt wrapped itself around Grindelwald's tank.
Voldemort shouted over the broadcast: "Grindelwald! Are you here to steal my endorsement fees too? I'm telling you, this is MY market!"
Snape was frantically rescuing his hair tonic.
Ivan, rubbing his bald head and watching the scene, suddenly realized this was a golden money-making opportunity.
He quietly pulled out his wand and cast a Sonorus spell over the chaos:
"Everyone! The Hogwarts Limited Edition 'Dark Lord vs. Old Demon King' Pay-Per-View Livestream is about to begin! Front row seats 50 Galleons! Popcorn included for 100! If you want to see Grindelwald get forcibly kissed by a Blast-Ended Skrewt, send those 'Super Rockets'!"
Grindelwald, struggling against the beast, looked back at Ivan's profiteering face and laughed in anger:
"Good kid... you have the style I had in my youth. In that case, I want 70% of the livestream profits!"