Chamber of Secrets Entrance.
Snape held his wand aloft, following nervously behind Ivan.
"Potter, although I don't know what you've done, the scent of Dark Magic here is nauseatingly thick." Snape lowered his voice. "If anything happens to Ginny Weasley, Dumbledore will feed you to that Basilisk himself."
"Relax, Professor." Ivan walked into the pipe casually, even having time to fix his bangs. "The current Chamber is safer than the Gryffindor common room—provided you don't touch my experimental equipment."
The two slid to the bottom of the pipe.
Snape was prepared to face mountains of corpses and a sea of blood, or a massive Basilisk.
However, when he saw the scene before him clearly, his wand dropped to the floor with a clatter.
This... this is the Chamber of Secrets?!
There was no damp moss, no massive stone pillars.
Instead, the walls were lined with flashing neon tubes (powered by fluorescent potions), the floor was covered in luxurious Persian carpets, and upbeat jazz music (played by a band of bound house-elves) filled the air.
In the center of the Chamber, the Basilisk—which should have been terrifying and grim—was lying on a massive massage chair made of snake skin.
Its body was connected to various tubes, and its usually cold vertical pupils were now flashing with... pink heart-shaped light effects?
Ginny Weasley was sitting on a small stool, holding a nail polish brush, carefully applying glitter to the tip of the Basilisk's tail.
"Oops, don't move!" Ginny tapped the Basilisk's scale. "This is 'Dragon Scale Glaze' that Brother Ivan bought at a high price from Knockturn Alley! If I mess it up, I'll dismantle you into a cleaning robot!"
The Basilisk let out a wronged hiss. Not only did it not bite her, but it also fawningly moved its tail closer.
"This... this..." Snape felt like his worldview was being smashed by a sledgehammer. "Potter! What have you done to Slytherin's sacred relic?! And why is Miss Weasley here?!"
Ivan walked over and picked Ginny up by the back of her collar like a chick, lifting her into mid-air.
"Ginny, it's 10:00 PM." Ivan checked his watch. "You're ten minutes past curfew. Also, who told you to paint my Basilisk pink? This does not fit the Slytherin aesthetic!"
Ginny flailed her limbs in the air, but there was no fear on her face. Instead, her eyes sparkled. "Brother Ivan! You're here! Look at the new nails I did for 'Pinky'! Also, that diary was so annoying, constantly nagging, so I stuffed it into Pinky's mouth as a chew toy!"
"What?!"
Snape let out a scream.
He looked in the direction Ginny pointed.
In the corner, the black diary was indeed being held in the Basilisk's mouth, with only a corner sticking out.
On the cover of the diary, the soul of the boy named Tom Riddle was desperately trying to crawl out, half his body already bleached white by the Basilisk's saliva.
"Let me out!!" Tom Riddle's soul screamed, his handsome face twisted like a ghoul. "I am Voldemort! I am the Dark Lord! You lowly—"
"Woof!"
A deafening mechanical bark interrupted his casting animation.
The modified "Mecha-Fluffy" charged out from the shadows.
Its styling was extremely sci-fi: all three heads were made of high-strength alloy, eyes were ruby laser emitters, and alchemy flames spewed from its mouths.
It pounced directly on the diary, pinning Tom Riddle's soul down with one paw.
"What is this monster?! Get away!" Tom Riddle tried to attack the mechanical dog with Dark Magic.
However, his Killing Curse hit the mechanical dog and only sparked a few times before reflecting back and singeing his own bangs.
"Warning: Low-level spiritual entity detected." One of the mechanical dog's heads emitted a cold electronic voice (clearly Ivan added an alchemy core). "Classification: Dog food."
The next scene was one Snape would never forget.
The soul fragment of the Dark Lord, who once terrified the entire wizarding world, was picked up by the mechanical dog like a frisbee and shaken wildly in the air.
"Ahhh! My soul! It's falling apart!" Tom Riddle let out a scream like a butchered pig. "Potter! Ivan Potter! This is blasphemy! Blasphemy!!"
Ivan walked over and pulled the diary out of the mechanical dog's mouth.
He wiped the saliva off the cover with disgust, looking at Tom Riddle, who was still seeing stars inside.
"Tom," Ivan said earnestly, "you have to learn to adapt. At Hogwarts nowadays, we emphasize 'Technical Iteration'. Your method of scaring people to gain followers is too outdated."
He tossed the diary to Snape. "Professor, take it as experimental material. The soul fragment inside can still provide some magical energy, perfect for charging your wig."
Snape caught the diary clumsily, staring at the foaming, dizzy Tom Riddle inside, completely petrified.
This is the Dark Lord?
This is He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?
Why does he look like a broken ragdoll?
> [System Alert: Snape (Faith Collapsed + Extreme Fear of Ivan's Methods): Emotion Value +800!]
> [System Alert: Tom Riddle (Soul Fragment) (Physically and Mentally Traumatized + Dignity Swept Away): Emotion Value +500!]
"And you, Ginny." Ivan turned around, looking at his sister who was head-to-head with the Basilisk studying nail art. "Who let you come here?"
"The diary brought me!" Ginny looked innocent. "It said there were good things here. But aside from this big lizard, there was nothing. Brother Ivan, since you're here, can you help paint Pinky's other claw? I want to do a gradient."
Ivan sighed and pulled a bottle of golden nail polish from his pocket.
"This is 'Dragon Blood Gold Powder' Limited Edition. There are only three bottles in the world."
He threw it to Ginny. "Finish painting and get back to the dorm immediately. Also, you are not allowed to tell anyone this place has become a nail salon, especially Dumbledore. Or I'll remodel you into a mechanical girl too."
Ginny acted like she'd found treasure, cheering as she pounced on the Basilisk. "Did you hear that? Pinky! This is Dragon Blood Gold Powder! You're going to be famous!"
The Basilisk was moved to tears (though it had no tear ducts, it sprayed some water mist to show respect).
Ivan clapped his hands and looked at Snape, who was still questioning his existence.
"Professor, don't just stand there. Since you're here, want a hand treatment? I see your nails lack maintenance lately; they look malnourished."
Snape shuddered and immediately stuffed the diary into his robes. "No need! Potter! Take Miss Weasley and leave immediately! And... dispose of this... this pink thing!"
"It is art." Ivan corrected, then snapped his fingers.
A stone slab on the wall slid open, revealing the true core of the Chamber—
It wasn't a statue, but a massive tank filled with green liquid.
Floating inside wasn't a Basilisk corpse, but... a slowly forming humanoid weapon covered in exoskeleton armor.
This was the "Perfect Body" Ivan created using modern alchemy combined with Salazar Slytherin's notes.
"This is the real treasure of the Chamber." Ivan looked at the weapon in the tank with fanatical eyes. "Once I catch Voldemort's main soul, I'll stuff him in there. Then, Hogwarts will have a gatekeeper who never gets tired, needs no wages, and automatically cleans up."
Snape looked at the oppressive humanoid weapon, then at Ginny painting nails and the mechanical dog playing frisbee.
He suddenly felt that making Ivan a Slytherin Prefect might have been the most correct, and most dangerous, decision of his life.
"Potter," Snape's voice was dry, "that weapon... can I borrow it to study for two days? I want to see its joint structure..."
"No." Ivan refused flatly. "That's a birthday gift prepared for Dumbledore. When he dies, I'll make him into a specimen and put him inside, so he can watch over Hogwarts forever."
Snape: "..."
Just then, Dumbledore's voice came from the pipe overhead.
"My, it's lively down there... Did I hear Gilderoy screaming? And... the sound of a power drill?"
Ivan's face changed. He scooped up Ginny and kicked the mechanical dog in the butt.
"Run! The Old Bee is here for inspection! We'll lose points if he sees this!"
Instantly, the neon lights went out, the jazz music stopped.
The Basilisk expertly drilled back into the rock formation to disguise itself as a statue, the mechanical dog collapsed into a pile of scrap metal in the corner, and the nail polish in Ginny's hand was vanished by Ivan with a "Scourgify."
When Dumbledore slid down, all he saw was wet ground, and Ivan and Snape wearing "I'm just here to unclog the drain" expressions.
"Albus," Snape lied expressionlessly, "we were inspecting the pipes. And... caught a rat."
He held up the smoking diary.
Dumbledore looked at the diary, which was still oozing saliva, then at Ivan's face, which had "I'm innocent" written all over it.
He took a bite of lemon sherbet, smiling like a fox.
"Is that so? Hard work then. By the way, Ivan... is Ginny with you? I thought I heard her saying something about 'gradient nails'?"
Ivan blinked. "You misheard, Headmaster. That was Professor Snape practicing pronunciation. He's learning French lately to surprise you."
Snape: ???
Thank you so much!