"Girlfriends wanted at all times—nice to meet you all!"
Dude. Seriously?
You actually think that's funny?
The horny monkey—Ike—sat back down, looking pleased with himself while several students groaned.
"I'm Yamauchi Haruki!" The other half of the dynamic duo jumped up next. "I made it to nationals in table tennis during elementary school!"
He puffed out his chest proudly.
"And in middle school, I was the ace cleanup hitter on our baseball team!"
Oh boy, here we go...
"Unfortunately, I got injured during the league championship and I'm still rehabbing from that now..."
He tried to look humble and wounded, clearly fishing for sympathy.
Now THIS guy's the real heavyweight champion of cringe!
Measured in Zaimokuza units, he's clocking in at least 2.5 times more embarrassing!!
For reference, Zaimokuza was a kid from Hachiman's middle school who'd unironically worn a black trench coat and claimed to channel ancient warrior spirits. The scale started with him at baseline 1.0.
"Horikita Suzune."
When it was finally her turn, the ice queen gave the most minimalist introduction imaginable—literally nothing but her name.
Yet because she was gorgeous, plenty of people still applauded enthusiastically.
Damn this superficial, lookist world!
As the self-introductions continued their painful march forward, Hachiman took stock of the class composition.
Forty students total. The guys were... well, pretty average at best. Apart from Hirata Yousuke and that blond prince Kouenji Rokusuke who'd hogged the priority seats on the bus, the rest ranged from "unremarkable" to "actively painful to observe."
By contrast, the girls were shockingly high-spec across the board.
It was almost as if the universe had somehow answered Hachiman Hikigaya's fervent prayers for "top-tier human females" and decided to concentrate them all in one classroom.
Leaving everything else aside and judging purely based on physical appearance alone, these girls easily qualified as class beauties—hell, some of them could've been school-wide beauties:
Horikita Suzune, Kushida Kikyo, Karuizawa Kei, Matsushita Chiaki, Wang Meiyu, Sato Maya, Hasebe Haruka...
And Sakura Airi.
Huh?
Wait, why did I mentally add Sakura Airi to that list?
The girl wore thick, unfashionable glasses. Her hair was styled in frizzy, outdated twin-tails that looked like they'd been copied from an anime circa 2005. Her head was perpetually angled downward, avoiding all eye contact. At first glance, she was a total wallflower—the kind of girl who'd go completely unnoticed in any normal high school setting.
Yet somehow, Hachiman Hikigaya's highly trained instincts were screaming at him that she was secretly a hidden beauty who could easily rival his dream "wife."
Pfft!
Why the hell am I remembering that dream stuff?!
Delete! Erase that memory from existence!!
Hachiman slapped a hand over his face, the embarrassment so intense he could feel his toes curling inside his shoes.
What he didn't notice was Sakura Airi sneaking a quick glance in his direction, a shy, puzzled expression flickering across her partially hidden face.
I'm already doing my best to stay completely incognito and invisible... so why did he still somehow spot me?
The more outgoing students had already finished their introductions by now.
What remained were the "doesn't-play-well-with-others" types—the loners, the antisocial cases, the people actively trying to avoid this whole ordeal.
"Next—yes, you there."
Hirata Yousuke suddenly pointed directly at someone.
"Me?" The boy who'd been singled out looked genuinely surprised, though his face remained completely blank and expressionless.
It was the poker-faced "android" from the bus—the dangerous life-form Hachiman had been actively avoiding.
"Uh, well..."
"I'm Ayanokoji Kiyotaka."
"Nice to meet you all, I guess..."
"There's nothing in particular I'm especially good at..."
"I'll try my best to get along with everyone here..."
It was possibly the most halting, highlight-free, aggressively forgettable introduction imaginable.
An awkward silence descended over the classroom.
The silence stretched on.
And on.
Clap-clap~
Hirata led the applause himself, his smile warm and encouraging. "It's very nice to meet you, Ayanokoji-kun!"
Is this guy deliberately going out of his way to look after the fringe kids and social outcasts?
His "nice-guy density" actually beats Hayama's! I didn't think that was possible!
Hachiman could feel Hirata's gaze starting to sweep across the remaining students who hadn't introduced themselves yet.
Hey—don't look over here!
Please don't look over here!
Hachiman scowled internally, but there was absolutely no dodging Hirata's relentless sunbeam of social outreach.
"Your turn, classmate."
Hirata, still radiating that infuriatingly genuine smile, shone the full force of his social sunshine directly onto the gloomy Hachiman Hikigaya, leaving him absolutely nowhere to hide.
Sigh. Can't be helped, I guess.
Reality had a way of forcing your hand sometimes, no matter how much you wanted to avoid it.
Hachiman took a deep breath and started to rise from his seat, mentally preparing his own minimalist introduction—
BANG!
A red-haired guy sitting in the back row suddenly kicked his desk violently, his face twisted into an aggressive scowl.
"What's with all these stupid introductions?! You think we're a bunch of little brats or something?!"
Did he think Hirata was calling on him next?
Or does he just hate Hirata on general principle?
Whatever the reason, the interruption gave Hachiman the perfect excuse. He quietly sat back down, relief flooding through him.
Nice save, Angry-kun! I owe you one!
"I just wanted everyone to have a chance to get to know each other better..." Hirata tried to explain gently, his smile never wavering despite the hostility.
Click-clack~
Click-clack~
The sharp sound of high heels echoed through the hallway outside, growing steadily closer.
A woman in a professional business suit strode into the classroom with confident, purposeful steps. She had black hair pulled back in a severe ponytail, a stern face that suggested she took exactly zero shit from anyone, and—
Holy hell, those black stockings.
The combination created an intense visual whiplash effect.
Hachiman's brain immediately, involuntarily flashed with the thought: Swap that business suit for a white maid outfit and the impact would be absolutely insane.
He mentally slapped himself. Focus, you idiot!
"Quiet. Everyone return to your seats immediately."
Her voice cut through the classroom chatter like a knife.
"I'm your Class D homeroom teacher. My name is Chabashira Sae."
She surveyed the room with cold, analytical eyes.
"This school does not reshuffle classes under any circumstances. For the next three years, until your graduation, I will be your homeroom teacher. Get used to seeing me."
She began distributing thick information packets to the students in the front row, who passed them backward.
"First, let me explain the special rules of this institution."
"Rule number one: This is a full boarding school. Students are not permitted to leave campus, and outside contact is heavily restricted."
Some students looked concerned, but she continued before anyone could interrupt.
"Don't worry—the on-campus facilities have absolutely everything you could possibly need. You can purchase daily necessities, entertainment, food, clothing—anything."
Most of the information was already covered in the handbook they'd received. The majority of students had no questions.
Never overestimate the intelligence of idiots, though.
"Ehhhh—"
"Three whole years without seeing my parents?! Mom and Dad are gonna miss me to death!"
"Right?! I'm the ace player of a pro-level tennis club back home—without me, the whole team's gonna fold!"
After their earlier cringeworthy introductions, Ike Kanji and Yamauchi Haruki were simply performing exactly as expected—like a comedy duo practicing their routine.
"Now, regarding the school-exclusive 'S-System'..."
Completely ignoring the two-man comedy show happening in her classroom, Chabashira pulled a sleek, custom-designed phone from her pocket.
"This is your student terminal. It functions as a campus-only communication device, student ID, and credit card—all combined into one."
She held it up for everyone to see.
"Everything on this campus—and I mean everything—must be purchased using this terminal. Cash and outside credit cards are not accepted."
"Each month, the school will automatically load your account with points."
"One point equals one yen in purchasing power..."
Following her instructions, everyone pulled out their own terminals and checked the balance displayed on the screen.
The number was... eye-catching, to say the least.
"A hundred thousand?!"
"Wait—so we've got a hundred thousand yen?!"
"Is this for real?!"
The entire class erupted into excited chaos.
It was completely understandable—100,000 yen was serious money to a high school student. That was more than most of them had ever had access to at once in their entire lives.
Even Hachiman's heart skipped a beat when he saw the number.
For context, on his birthdays, his parents barely gave him 2,000 yen. And most of that inevitably got sacrificed at the altar of buying gifts for his adorable little sister Komachi.
His actual personal spending money was... well, the word "pocket-sized" was generous.
This unexpected windfall could bankroll Komachi's entire summer vacation activities!
Wait—I could buy her that fancy school bag she's been eyeing! And those reference books! And—
"Surprised by the generous allowance?" Chabashira's voice cut through his mental spending spree.
"This school evaluates and rates students based purely on ability and merit."
"The fact that you passed the rigorous interview process to gain admission here proves that you have value and potential."
So much for my theory about them recruiting me as a 'top-tier human female' magnet...
These people actually have legitimate talent!
Hachiman found this revelation genuinely hard to process. His entire self-deprecating worldview was under attack.
"These points represent the school's evaluation of your worth as students," Chabashira continued, her tone shifting slightly.
"Spend them freely, however you like. No restrictions."
"Anything and everything on this campus can be purchased with these points."
Her lips curved into what might have been a smirk—or possibly a sneer. It was hard to tell.
"After all, this institution operates as a pure meritocracy!"
Maybe it was just his imagination playing tricks on him, but when she pronounced the word "meritocracy," her voice seemed to drop several degrees in temperature—becoming absolutely ice-cold.
"One hour from now, there will be a mandatory assembly in the gymnasium for the official entrance ceremony."
She glanced at her watch.
"Until then, enjoy your school life."
Like an NPC who'd just finished delivering her scripted quest dialogue, Chabashira turned on her heel and left the classroom without any further explanation or lingering. Her heels clicked away down the hallway.
The instant she was gone, Class D exploded back into chaotic noise.
Everyone was chattering excitedly about how they were going to blow their brand-new 100,000 yen windfall. Shopping sprees, gaming equipment, fancy food, expensive clothes—the fantasies were endless.
Seriously?
Free money just falling from the sky like this, and not a single person is suspicious?
Hachiman's dead fish eyes remained dark and skeptical.
Years of brutal social warfare and disappointment had taught him one critical life lesson: always, always assume the worst-case scenario.
There was no such thing as a free lunch. Everything had a catch.
He quietly pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen from his bag.
Math definitely wasn't his strongest subject, but he could still handle basic arithmetic and budgeting calculations.
Time to figure out exactly how screwed they were going to be when the other shoe inevitably dropped.
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