I ate with Airi while thinking more about the awakening. A thought that seems to plague me more than my nightmares lately.
The woman that keeps speaking to me told me about how I'd need to rip my heart out. I don't really know if that is literal or not but I might have to test it.
Can I really rip my own heart out? That takes a lot of strength to just dig into my own chest.
The pain is also going to be a lot to deal with as I try to rip it out. Nobody really considers doing something like this so it is kind of a new idea.
"You've been kind of quiet, everything okay?" Airi asks with some concern in her voice.
"I'm okay, just thinking about some stuff," I answer while looking down at my arm.
Airi helped me cover it back up after the nightmare I had. It feels weird seeing it completely covered, even though it was like that for a month.
"Are you really considering what I said?" She asks with curiosity.
I need to get stronger so if this will help... Then I am considering it. Nothing about it will be easy and I don't want to be a burden if a fight breaks out.
Airi could have someone who is actually able to fight by her side. I also want to be able to kill zierel with more than just your help.
"You want to die?" She asks with a bit of panic.
Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.
"Liam, Liam," Airi calls out.
I shift my gaze back towards her.
"Do you think this awakening will kill me?" I ask with a serious tone.
"You're worrying about the awakening. That makes a lot of sense why you are out of it," Airi responds while ignoring the question.
"Will it?" I repeat.
"No. I'm confident that nothing bad will happen to you. You just need to be patient while I get some stuff figured out," Airi answers calmly.
After that conversation I just help her clean everything up before heading back to my room.
I shut the door and take a seat on my bed like always. It takes a moment but I unwrap my arm completely again.
The moving around underneath my skin is always a nice reminder that the infection is still there. Squirming around, making me feel uncomfortable all the damn time.
I don't really have a whole lot of choices when it comes to strength. Airi is figuring something out before she can help me awaken, but I also have another solution of my own.
Being able to do it is a completely different story though. I don't want to die either.
What will happen when I tear it out? Will that just be the end of my life or will something special happen to me...?
Questions that I don't have any answers to.
I don't know how that'll help me awaken anything either which is the other problem; Awakening by ripping a heart out?
None of that makes any sense to me in the long run but who am I to question so many things. Taking the leap is the best thing I can do right now instead.
"Doing this could mean you're gone forever," the voice speaks up.
Her voice isn't as clear this time for some reason.
"I'm positive this is the best choice," I reply quietly.
"I didn't think you'd take it literally..." Her voice gets even further away.
If I don't come back from something like that... Then it isn't meant to be. I don't think I'll be reunited with my family at that point either.
A dagger forms from my arm, a lot like the one I used against the zierel.
This is definitely sharp enough to cut my chest open, but the endurance is the hardest part. Pushing through it all to actually get to my heart... It is not something I never thought of before.
"Overthinking it won't make it any easier," she speaks up.
"I know. I know," I reply softly.
"I don't think it is actually a good idea but it could help... Or it could be the worst possible thing to do," she says nervously.
Airi definitely wouldn't allow me to do this if she knew about it. I don't even think she'd leave me alone in my own room at that point anymore.
She's probably going to give me a bunch of grief about this when she finds out.
"Do it."
"Yes you should do it."
"Death won't happen."
A series of voices is all I can hear from around the room, voices that I don't recognize in the slightest.
My eyes begin to circle the room as if I need to find something or someone. But I don't find anyone or anything to explain the reasoning for the voices.
I'm all alone in this room so why do I hear voices?
The infection in my arm stops squirming around for the time being as my grip on the dagger tightens.
Time is passing and I need to get this done already. Letting this drag on will only give me more reasons not to do this...
I didn't realize it at first but my hands are shaking... Even while my grip is tight on the dagger itself. Fear is overwhelming me in more ways than I can imagine.
It isn't enough to keep me from doing this because I realize that the dagger is already at my chest.
"You can do this Liam," I say to myself.
I plunge the dagger into my chest and the pain immediately follows. The cries of pain are something I can just barely hold back as I push forward.
Digging with the dagger into my chest more and more.
Splat!!!
Blood is beginning to flow onto the floor with each moment that passes.
"You really do want to die," she speaks up once more.