Richard's eyebrows climbed higher and higher until they could go no further. He continued listening to the trainee's account.
"At first, everything was fine. But during another live video broadcast, the castle, with its perfectly ordinary-looking windows, and the adjoining greenhouses, which were full of lush greenery and extraordinary crops of vegetables, fruit and berries... Erm... The castle door was open as well... Anyway, all of it ended up on a live Muggle television broadcast."
Richard took several deep breaths to calm himself.
"All right... All right..." he muttered. "Let's say we can work with that. Have the press office put out a statement saying that the building on Mars was constructed using unique experimental force-field generators developed by the research division of Grosvenor Junior."
"Erm... Your Lordship, that's not all."
"What else, Billy?"
"Well, here's the thing... You see, the astronauts smuggled some Firewhisky onto Mars. They were playing cards... Anyway, one of them lost a bet and had to fulfil a forfeit: 'Run naked to the portal archway'..."
The silence was almost tangible. Young Grosvenor's eyes could have rivalled Donkey's in size. A small owl could easily have fitted into his gaping mouth. Richard couldn't help himself and slapped his right palm against his face with a resounding smack.
"Erm... Your Lordship, can you hear me?"
"Billy," Richard began in a quiet, insinuating voice, "please don't tell me someone filmed it..."
"Er-er..." the trainee drawled.
"They filmed it?" Grosvenor asked softly.
"Erm... Yes. It went out live on one of Britain's main television channels."
Richard closed his eyes again and began breathing deeply, but this time the breathing exercises did nothing to calm him down. Meanwhile, the trainee mistook his silence for approval and continued:
"In short, Mr Bilius Weasley ran stark naked to the portal archway and disappeared into it, right there on live television. A moment later, he reappeared carrying a goose. Holding the goose in front of his privates, he ran back into the castle and slammed the door. The Muggles are showing the footage on television channels all over the planet now..."
If Richard had had any bad habits, he would have lit a cigarette with trembling hands at that very moment.
"Have you all gone completely FUCKING INSANE?!" he exploded, unable to restrain himself.
"It wasn't us," Billy immediately protested, distancing himself from the whole affair. "It was the astronauts!"
"Why did they need a goose?" Grosvenor's voice was filled with utter bewilderment.
"Probably to roast it," the trainee suggested.
"Was the goose alive?"
"Yes, Your Lordship," the trainee replied. "It was honking loudly at the camera, too."
The gears in Richard's head began turning at an incredible speed.
"Right, right, Billy... Have the press office announce that this was a series of scientific experiments. Firstly, the archway is an experimental quantum portal based on an artificial wormhole. And the naked run across Mars with a goose was an experiment to study the effects of the Martian atmosphere on humans and animals."
"Like with the cat?" Billy asked.
"What cat?" Richard asked in bewilderment.
"Well, the cat..." the trainee drawled. "When the Phoenix was flying to Mars, our astronauts got bored. They Transfigured a cat and started playing dodgeball with it. The game was broadcast on television. Luckily, the Transfiguration itself wasn't filmed. Afterwards, our press office announced that it had been a scientific experiment to study the effects of weightlessness on animals. They said that by observing the cat's rotation and its attempts to stabilise itself in space, it might be possible to develop spacecraft engines based on entirely different principles of propulsion..."
Richard was speechless. His breathing exercises had ceased to help altogether.
"Why am I only hearing about this now?" he hissed through barely restrained fury.
"Well, everything turned out all right in the end!" the trainee declared. "The Muggles believed it."
"All right, Billy. Thank you for calling."
Richard was practically breathing fire and brimstone. He made several telephone calls and gave the management of the Grosvenor Workshop and Grosvenor Junior such monumental bollockings that a three-litre tub of Vaseline wouldn't have been enough for all his subordinates. After all, once the senior management had received a thoroughly savage dressing-down from the company owner, they would pass it on to their own subordinates, who would do the same to theirs, and so it would continue all the way down the chain of command.
Soon after that invigorating dressing-down, articles along the lines of "British Scientists Conduct Experiment on Mars" were due to go to press.
It was in this wonderfully "cheerful" and "uplifting" mood that Richard was descending the main staircase towards the Great Hall for dinner.
On the ground floor, not far from the staircase, he spotted a group of students. Three Slytherins, instantly recognisable even from behind, stood with their backs to him. Richard could see the blond crown of Draco Malfoy's head and the broad backs of his henchmen, Crabbe and Goyle. Beyond them, he caught a glimpse of a familiar head of chestnut-brown hair. When Crabbe shifted slightly away from Draco, Richie recognised Hermione from the other world by her glasses and the style of her handbag.
"Well done, Granger," Malfoy declared in his usual arrogant, drawling, mocking manner. "Keep it up! Breaking into your Head of House's office and stealing from her... Carry on like that, and soon there'll be one less Mudblood at Hogwarts!"
"Those are all lies, Malfoy," Hermione Two replied, struggling to contain her anger. "Professor McGonagall established that I hadn't stolen anything."
"Ahem, ahem..."
Grosvenor's pointed cough drew the attention of all four students.
"Sir, you have insulted and slandered a lady..."
(End of Chapter)
P@treon: /SadRaven
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