That spot on the wall seemed like the most interesting thing that night. It was a pen mark she had made when reading on the bed. She had tried again and again to remove it, but that ink was so stubborn. So now, lying on her bed, Noelle was studying it with her eyes, while her mind kept slipping back to what happened.
Lexi had brought her home in a taxi. Noelle reassured her she didn't want any help. She wanted to stay alone, to calm down. A talkative friend would just upset her more.
She took a hot bath to warm up, to wash off the pond water, the mud stuck on her limbs. Beneath the warm shower, she scrubbed her body hard. She could still feel his hands clutching her thigh, his chest against her ribs as he lifted her to take her out of the water.
She was too numb to react at the time. She had surrendered. Both of them were drenched in dirty water, yet she could feel his strength, his warmth, his smell. Her whole body was burning, clutched in his embrace.
Now she had to free herself from that annoying sensation.
When she was clean and dry again, she put all the wet clothes in the washing machine. His and hers - tumbling together, entangled.
Thinking back to the trailer, she was so angry that she couldn't stop crying. Starting from the pond, her fury reached such a point that she couldn't control herself. Whenever she was infuriated, she would burst into tears. But in the end, she was afraid that she had given the wrong impression.
What was wrong with her? She pushed him in the water? Chloe would kick her out. Nobody attempting to injure Luca West could hope to keep working at Legion One. Her behavior could even cost her degree.
No matter what he did or -in his case- said, she should have kept her professionalism.
But he had offended her. Offering her money? Was that how he operated? She didn't care about money. She never had. She understood the stakes perfectly well.
She was angry because he had underestimated her intelligence.
But the point of no return was when he suggested that she could have sex with him. She completely lost her mind then.
Oh... why? Why did he even think of something like that?
She now realized that she pushed him so he would stop talking. He was a bastard, but still a very attractive bastard. Those words created feelings she had never felt before. Something forbidden, something unimaginable.
And she completely embarrassed herself. She had to put on that blouse today, didn't she? And she got wet and he took a good look at what was inside.
No big deal.
She felt exposed. In front of him. In a way that made no sense to her.
But that proposal?
The thought wouldn't leave her alone. It circled, it crawled inside her head making her whole body restless.
What if she had accepted his offer? Would things feel clearer now? Or worse?
The moment he handed over his hoodie, it was when she started crying. When she was wearing his wet, cold clothes. She was angry yet vulnerable at the same time. Or was she angry that she felt vulnerable? What a mess! She didn't know exactly what she was feeling.
She came to a conclusion. The problem must have been that she hadn't had sex for a long time. And that the sex she had, was never what was supposed to be.
Her first time was with her second boyfriend, when she was nineteen. They were dating for six months, and they discussed that they should give it a try. It was horrible. After some miserable encounters, they stopped trying, and after a few months their 'love' died with a message she received: 'I think we are not good for each other. Best of luck.' It felt liberating.
After dating a few guys, she ended up with Paul. He was everything that a bright student should be; handsome, smart, with political aspirations. Her mother loved him. Noelle was also smiling when thinking about him. Sex came naturally and was far better – that is it didn't hurt. But Paul was very... fast, and when they were finishing, he was putting on his clothes, kissing her on the forehead and leaving.
She endured it, until one night he said he had a surprise. When she reached his place, there was a beautiful redhaired girl, with radiant blue eyes. "This is Vivienne, an old friend. We go way back. We... share a lot of things. We thought you might want to join the fun?" Paul had said, extending his hand as he was standing next to his bed.
Noelle opened the door and left, never contacting Paul again. Her mother was devastated over their breakup.
Noelle focused on her studies afterward, and left dating for a later point of her life. But at that moment, her lab rat dared to awaken her well dormant lust.
Now she was tossing in her bed, feeling disappointed.
She had ruined it. Or maybe she hadn't. That was the problem. She couldn't tell anymore.
She squeezed her eyes shut.
She tried to imagine it and immediately regretted it.
There would be nothing romantic about it. No promises. No meaning. Just bodies, proximity, heat. He would have pulled her close, casual about it, confident. Too confident. Maybe he would kiss her. Not gently. Not on the lips.
That alone made her stomach tighten.
She turned on her side, pressing a pillow against her chest, struggling to keep her mind from rolling deeper in forbidden thoughts.
She failed.
She imagined his hands, unhurried, certain. They would scan her body, they would invite her to follow his lead.
And the worst part? She knew she would.
The idea both thrilled and horrified her.
She would tell herself it meant nothing. That it was just attraction, curiosity, physical need. That she could walk away afterward and feel exactly the same. Untouched. Unchanged.
But deep down, she knew that was a lie.
She was looking for something else.
But what was on the table before her just hours ago, was too delicious to ignore.
Maybe just a bite?
The thought both disgusted her and made her pulse quicken.
She rolled onto her back again, exhaling sharply.
Enough.
She was stuck in that loop for what felt like hours. One moment ashamed, the next restless. One moment convinced she was better than this, the next painfully honest with herself.
By the time exhaustion finally pulled her under, she had reached one quiet, terrifying conclusion: If he ever asked again… She wouldn't say no.
And that, more than anything else, scared her.
The buzz of her phone landed her back to reality.
Fuck….
Her hands were trembling the moment she saw his name on the screen. He had just texted her.
'Don't tell Chloe a thing tomorrow. I'll explain everything.'
No hello, no good night... Was she still hoping he would show any basic courtesy? She had her orders.
Why does he want me to stay silent?
She would do as was told. She had lost all will to fight. She didn't know if he would use the silence against her. And what would he explain? That she knew too much? What he offered her? Or why did he throw her in the water?
All the heat she felt earlier vanished.
Noelle tossed the phone aside, never replying to that message.
After an hour, when the dryer cycle finished, a short victorious tune was heard. She wearily got up and opened the machine's door. The detergent she used smelled so sweet. The whole place was filled with a mellow fragrance. She grabbed his hoodie in her arms. It was so warm... She sat by the dryer and clutched it tightly, exactly as he had held her when he lifted her to pull her out of the pond. When her mind was screaming 'Grab him and kiss him right here!'
Tomorrow, she had to find a way to hide all these feelings when facing him. For the time, she would find comfort in clothes. She stayed there, inhaling the scent of the warm hoodie, feeling her eyes watery for no good reason.