The ride back home had been more fun than usual, we blasted songs from my iPod through the aux cable and sang along to our favorite tunes. Of course it's my music so non of the indy rock Ed listens to.
I called it his sad boy music.
He says he enjoys the melancholy. I was really into female singers lately all of them with a little bit of the gay spice. Lady Gaga was really popping off. Ed knew some of the words and stumbled over the rest of lyrics.
He was cute and very loud when he got drunk.
By the time we arrived at my place he was already kinda back to normal.
The apartment I live in right now was gifted by my grandma, it had been in the family and no one was using it so they sort of gave it to me. It was my home away from home. A modern sleek high rise building with a second floor on the same loft.
My parents were in a weird spot right now. Not sleeping in the same bed, not talking to each other. Just not separated but still together. Living in the same house, acting like strangers. Arguing every chance they get. It got really toxic. I had cried about it with my grandma one day and she just kinda gave me the key to all my problems.
My parents know about my sexuality but 'don't agree with the lifestyle.'
I've tried to explain many times it's not a choice.
They don't get it.
My grandma on the other hand gets it quite well. I had forged a strong relationship with her after that. She treated me like her own son.
You would think a lady like my grandma, high glamor, posh, and overall mean rich old lady vibes. Wouldn't accept me for who I was. But apparently, she had gotten freaky in the 40's, or something like that. I didn't dare ask further.
"Everyone's a little gay-" she would say over cigarette smoke.
"You're just full gay, other people are less gay and that's okay too." Her voice was raspy and deep, with a scratch from all the years of smoking. A miracle she was alive still at 85.
It was a nice little escape.
Then she said I should take care of this place while I'm in uni.
After all a young guy like me should have his own place.
And she needed someone to occupy this floor of the building she owns.
So win-win, I guess?
As long as I kept it clean - in case she needed it one day.
She would visit often too.
That day had yet to come.
We arrived at the building, going into the underground parking first. I pulled into my spot, and turned the keys off.
We waddled across the underground to the elevator that would take us directly to the apartment.
Ed was getting handsy now that there were no other people around. We laughed and tried whispering as to not wake anyone up.
I punched in the code for my floor into the elevator and off we went. He put his arms around and took out his phone. We posed for selfies in the elevator mirror.
I couldn't help but ogle him up and down.
He met my gaze and pushed me into him even further.
He chuckled.
I blushed away from him.
The camera clicked.
He snickered and put his arms around me.
Playfully teasing me.
The elevator dinged.
He entered my home like it was his own.
I hadn't even closed the front door and Ed was already changing. Taking his shoes off first, making sure to put them inside the dirty box at the entrance. Then his socks. He was actually being neat and tiddy for a drunk guy.
Why was he undressing though?
"Ed, why are you undressing like?"
"Oh don't be such a prude, we're both guys!"
I feel like he forgets about my gayness sometimes.
His shirt came off next.
"God, it's so stuffy!" He said as he pulled off his shirt. The abs came out in full show. His belly was sticking out a bit because of all the beer. It was kinda cute actually.
His back was fit and strong, his shoulder like blades that grind against daily effort.
He was fit - that's for sure. But he wasn't bodybuilder fit.
He had a nice body. Everything seemed to fit in the right place.
He threw his shirt in the waste basket near the laundry room. Now down to only his jeans. He even neatly put his Jordan's next to my black combat boots. Our shoes looked cute together. Almost like this could be our normal.
Then - He headed towards the main bedroom, my room actually.
He stopped and popped his head back out from the hallway.
"Oh, can I borrow some shorts? This jeans are killing me!"
"Sure, grab them from my closet babe!"
He smiled and left.
Did I just say that?
Did that just came out of my mouth.
It felt so natural too.
He didn't notice?
Or did he?
Or maybe he liked it?!
I started undressing too by the entrance and putting my clothes in the wash. Tomorrow was Sunday so I'll do a full laundry then!
My shoes were off too. I change my pair of socks. I didn't like being barefoot inside the house.
I threw my shirt in there too and headed for my room.
Ed already had my gym shorts and was checking himself out in the mirror.
"Those look good on you!"
He clearly stared at my bare skin eying me up and down. He had to do a double take.
"When did those came in?" He mustered like he was judging me. He put his hand on my stomach.
I pulled away almost instantly.
I had been pushing myself recently. And we did do a lot of exercise together. I changed into something more comfy. And put on a tank top from my closet.
"I noticed them the other day actually," I said as I turned red face, hiding from him.
"That's awesome bro!" He said stretching his arms in the air. Again with the bro.
I got in front of him and started brushing my teeth.
I opened the cabinet above the mirror.
"Take one - those are new," I said referring to the toothbrushes neatly stacked in a cup, still with their plastic on. He grabbed the pink one.
I gave him some toothpaste and we brushed our teeth. My in front of him, he could clearly see himself behind me, he was taller than me.
Suddenly he leaned forward and hugged me from behind. The toothbrush still in his mouth.
He started ruffling me up and touching me. Feeling my stomach and pecks.
"Stop that -" I said pushing him away. He stopped a moment and leaned his head forward into letting it rest on my shoulder blades.
"You don't like that?" He asked, his arms hugging me tight, not letting go.
I sighed.
"You know I do -" I mumbled and unbuckled his arms around me. He slumped and the moment was gone.
-
We usually turn on the TV at this point and make instant ramen. Ed sat on the floor his back reclining against the couch.
"How you feeling, you need any water?" I asked as I poured hot water into the noodles cup.
"I'm okay! Stopped feeling dizzy a while ago!" He said over the noise of the TV.
We watched late night TV. It was around two in the morning. Anime with lots of violence in it.
After 3 minutes the noodles were done and I headed over to the couch.
"Thanks!" He said as I placed a hot cup of instant ramen in front of him.
"Are you gonna stay shirtless, you can borrow one of shirts too if you want." I said as I sat down on the couch. Indeed he had chosen not to put on a shirt.
"I doubt they'll fit -" he snickered. He was right after all. One time he tried one of my shirts and his belly button was showing.
I had changed into sweats and an old playstation t-shirt.
"Does it bother you?" He asked back.
"Not really, my house is your house, no one's gonna see except me." I snickered kinda coy.
"Okay then - I'll stay like this." He slurped his noodles.
"Use this blanket if you start getting cold," I said pointing to a cozy blanket on the end of couch.
"Thanks, I'm okay," he said as he slurped more noodles.
-
We finished our ramen and stayed just like that. Him on the floor, me just a couple of inches away.
There was this weird tension today - like we both wanted something to happen. But I were too scared to do anything.
Ed was such a sweet boy to me, I didn't want to ruin our friendship.
We didn't say anything after our late dinner - until finally he broke the silence.
"So we're not gonna cuddle?" He asked while looking at the screen.
"Huh?" I said confused. I had already taken a corner of the couch as we normally do.
"You heard me," Ed didn't look at me but kept his eyes on the TV.
"I - Uh - I mean we can if you want to?" I said almost not thinking about it.
What the hell though?
He was way more affectionate today than any other day. What had been that moment in the bathroom too? I couldn't stop thinking about it.
"Sit up straight then and open your legs," he said.
I did as he told me and suddenly his head was between my legs. He put my knees over his shoulder and started touching my feet and legs placing his hand all over them.
My whole legs were over his chest. Like he was ready to go on a roller coaster.
His whole hand wrapped around the lower parts, just reaching my foot. My socks just below his face. He didn't let go.
I started freaking out.
I could barely sit still on the couch.
His back to me.
"Is this okay?" He asked like it was nothing.
It was something all right.
The way he was touching me.
It was nice and soft, almost loving.
"Yeah - I - I should shave right?" I asked him.
"If you want to." He snickered.
"What do you prefer?" I asked trying to divert my brain into anything except his touch.
"I'd prefer it yes - but you don't have too - it's just the right amount of hair I can handle," he was right I've never been a hairy person. I've never grown hair on my chest, and on my legs they were light gold, almost invisible.
Okay - But like - What the hell was going on?!
After a few minutes of staying in silence like that.
"Can we go to bed I'm tired," he said and of course I couldn't complain.
This was not in our routine actually. This was totally new.
We did share my bed whenever he stayed over. Which happened more than you think.
We both laid on the bed facing upwards.
I moved to the side expecting for him to the same so we ended up back to back.
Instead he wrapped his hands around me. Making me the little spoon. Pushing my back against his body. Wrapping me like a teddy bear.
I quickly got very nervous.
"Is this, okay too?" He asked in a whisper the room was dark already. I could barely see.
"Mhmm" I mustered
"Good, I've been wanting to do this a long time now." He said in a whisper his voice in my ear.
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?!
I swear in all the times he stayed over this had never actually happened.
It was like a dream.
Is that's what's going on.
I must be dreaming.
Did I drink, did someone spike my drink, was I having a hallucination and Ed was still at the party?
Or we crashed and now I'm in delulu land because my brain is using its last seconds to create a fictional scenario, before I die.
Was this some sick simulation?!
Time did feel slower.
A couple of hours in the real world - here they were eternities.
Right?! This was just a dream?
"Your hearts beating so fast," he whispered. His hand on my chest. I could feel his bare skin against the fabric of my shirt.
He pulled his hand under my shirt and placed his hand on my chest.
We were close, skin to skin I could almost swear, he was getting hard.
"Match my breathing -" he said, and managed to calm me down in the blink of an eye. My body slumped on the bed, my shoulder relaxed, my jaw unclenched. It was same old Ed' just in my bed, cuddling with me.
If this was a dream - I decided it would be a problem for another day.
"I want this, you and I, more than friends - you know." He started.
I was surprised. My heart skipped a beat. I guess he noticed, his hand still on my chest.
He let out a small chuckle.
"Been wanting it since I met you," he mentioned again. His voice sultry and full of sleep. His deep voice was turning me on.
"I just didn't now how to tell you," he said softly and in a whisper. His voice in right next to my ear.
Reality creeped back in.
I pinched myself.
I was defiantly not dreaming. The pain was real.
My insecurities crept in again.
I didn't know how to ask this - so I just did.
"Do you even like men?" I groaned.
"I - actually, don't know," he jumbled.
"You don't?" I was surprised.
"I only know- I like you." There was a pause.
"The way you treat me, the way you spoil me, you're like a trophy husband I want to parade around town and call - that's my hubby!" He slurred a little over his words.
"The way you share everything with me, the way we play house and pretend we both don't like it - the way our shoes look together as we get home from a night out. The way your heart beats faster when I get my way with you." He mumbled - but his words were clear.
"You're drunk - go to sleep - we'll talk about this in the morning."
"I-I'm not - " he sighed dejected. "Let me stay like this at least then?" He mumbled.
Was that it? The alcohol was making him do and say things that didn't make sense. I thought about it - letting him stay like this. I liked it of course, but this was breaking a boundary I wasn't comfortable with.
He continued.
"It's not liquid courage or anything either, well that might be a little of it, but I seriously think we could make a good couple. Everyone at Uni already wants us together anyway. Would it even be a big surprise if tomorrow we said we're boyfriends now?"
That comment about parading me around made me happy.
"Yeah, no one would bat an eye,"I reached for his hand, and started playing with his fingers, it seemed his confidence grew, as he plopped his body against mine. Holding me even closer. We fit like to jigsaw puzzles. The back of my head in his chest. He had flopped half his body over me at this point.
"I don't want to talk anymore - just go to sleep okay."
"Yeah, let's." He said, before he could even finish his sentence. His breathing started slowing, rising and falling at the same pace. "Do I have to let go?" He asked again.
"No - just for tonight - don't let go okay?" I said, silent tears streaming down my face. I knew this was too good to be true. Before I could even think twice about my decision.
He had fallen asleep.
But my face was a smile ear to ear. His slow rise and fall was cute.
I didn't think anything good would ever happen to me.
Nothing good of the sort like this.
Maybe I too could have the guy of my dreams.
After all his arms were around me and we were sharing a bed.
His breath rising and falling against my neck, his scent mixing in with mine. His arm going limp, but still not letting me go. His strong cologne mixing in the air.
Maybe it was true.
I tried to sleep.
After a couple of minutes - I was drifting away, right in his arms.
This felt right - it felt natural even. Like it was meant to be.
Sleep came easier than expected.