We finally got to my house. Thankfully no fanfare from anyone, especially him. None-the-less, this is an extremely awkward situation. Me and Sakurako just did as usual, sat down with drinks and snacks and
studied. Sometimes we'd watch something together too, but not today. The atmosphere was far too tense for that.
"What'd you get for question 8?" I asked.
"B"
"Really? Damn I said A"
"Don't worry, A's the right answer"
"Oh thank goodness"
The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Then bad became worse, when a teensy pitter-patter went unheard outside. It soon became a thunderous downpour. Not a good timing at all, Sakurako surely couldn't go home at this rate.
"Where have I seen this one before?"
"Ha, I suppose this wouldn't be the first time" She replied, detached, but not distant.
"How long is it going to rain for? Do you know?"
"The forecast said it would last all night, I checked a few hours ago"
A few hours?
"Oh, I see. You might have to stay over again then"
"It seems that way. Do you mind?"
"No, of course not, you're welcome to stay"
"Thank you again. I'll call my mum"
I gave her a thumbs up.
This day has been royally uncomfortable. I think I really messed up earlier. This is seriously bad. If I've ruined the friendship we had, then I'd never be able to forgive myself. I'm so stupid.
How could I even get fanciful ideas about love? I don't even deserve it anyway. Who cares? I don't care anymore. I sat down again, from standing at the window.
"She said she won't be home tonight so there's no need to say anything"
"Oh that's convenient, so did you want to bathe or anything? It's getting pretty late now. It's just passed seven"
"Yeah, I'll have one" Sakurako left the room to go to my bathroom, leaving her phone open on the coffee table. I'm a respectful person so I'm not going to look through her phone, but it was open on her calls app. The only person in it was me and her mum, her last call having been 2 days ago. I almost forgot she was such an insular person.
About 30 minutes later, Sakurako left my bathroom. She was stunning. But she was wearing my clothes?
"Hey there. Nice bath?"
"Yes, you have a really good bathroom"
Another dull conversation. I went for my own afterwards, taking only a bit. But after I came out, Sakurako was nowhere to be found. Where is she?
"Sakurako?" I muttered, walking into my room. There she was, at my desk. There were studying materials at it, but she wasn't studying. She was looking at something. The note?
"Hey Sakurako"
"Oh!" She snapped back to reality. "Hello"
"I assume you're going to keep studying?"
"Yes I will be"
"Okay, I'm just gonna chill on my bed for a bit then I'll go sleep in the living room"
"Mhm" What a blank answer. My own fault so I can't blame her though. I sat, then laid down on the bed. Before long I think I dozed off..
"You're so stupid" Huh? Did she say something?
I felt something next to me. She got into the bed?! What the hell?! I can't go to sleep like this??
"You're so smart though"
"I'm just happy that it worked"
"I think I know now though and that makes me happy"
"Thank you, and screw you for all those times you made me so embarrassed"
"But you know, I really wouldn't mind if we did"
She held her arms around my waist. There's no way that this is happening..I thought I had just ruined everything??
"I'd never want to stop seeing you" She said. Does she really think I'm still sleeping? Oh no. She might hear my heartbeat! My heart is absolutely pounding through my chest! What should I do? I need to make her think I'm still sleeping, so how? Flip over? Yeah! Genius! I flipped over, turning to my other side and directly facing Sakurako. I kept my eyes closed and breathing shallow. Surely she wouldn't notice now, her hands shouldn't feel my pulse. I wish I could see her face, but I can't. Maybe. Maybe it's okay to love. Just this once it's alright for me to love somebody. To care for her like I did years ago.
No. More than that.
I really do love you, Sakurako.
"I wanna be yours.." Shit. I said that aloud. Maybe she just thinks I was sleeptalking? I really..really..hope..so.
"Urgghh...." I woke in the morning, far too early than I wanted to.
I looked over and saw a certain someone still sleeping next to me, that was certainly not something I'd expected to happen, if I'm being honest.
What do I even really do at this point?
I got up carefully so as to not wake her up, then I quietly walked out the room. I prepared myself to completely glaze over this entire event as I flopped onto the couch, exhausted from thinking so much.
"God..what do I even say anymore.."
Why did she say all those things? Why was she assuring someone she thought was asleep? I wouldn't be surprised if she was just saying it for herself..
Then I heard a little clack, my door was opened. Sakurako emerged from my room. There are only so many things I can really do right now, so I just closed my eyes.
....
I felt a slight and soft surface caress my cheek, near my jaw. Two hands more or less grabbed my face as I slowly opened my eyes.
"Hello..?"
"I think we need to talk"
"We..probably do"
I sat up and moved over so she could sit next to me.
"We've had a lot of strange things happen over the last few months, haven't we?"
"Sure have, so you wanna talk about them specifically or should we address the overarching issue here?"
"You already know"
"Yeah, I do. Look, I think we should make something clear here. I don't just see you as a friend"
"I think..I don't either"
"If we can continue under no real assumptions of our relationship, then we can avoid any major issues going forward"
"I think I understand why you said that yesterday then"
I'm honestly just happy with anything as long as we don't stop being with one another.
"You're special to me.. You're the closest friend I've ever had Daniel.."
"I think you might be the same for me there, you know"
"I just don't want to lose you, ever"
"Neither do I, you're integral to me now"
"I never thought I'd feel this way about anybody.."
"I didn't think I really would either, but here we are"
I chuckled to myself, Sakurako did the same. This is good, this is a good situation for now, we can avoid irritating issues like this..
"I'll see you around then, Sakurako"
"B-bye!"
She left the house at around eleven after we had breakfast.
What a weird relationship we have here. Heaven knows what to call this. More than friends but less than lovers? What a silly name. I just want to be able to love her. The day she says 'I love you' is the day I'll truly be happy. I say that, but all I've felt is happiness, sure it's layered underneath confusion, embarrassment, misinformation,
misunderstandings and obfuscation. But who cares? Ever since I met Sakurako Egawa my life has had colours so vibrant splashed into it, it makes the old world feel like a brutalist mural. I love her. I really do love her. I won't tell her. Not now. I'll let her tell me, if she loves me back she'll tell me. If she doesn't, then I've been rejected. But I'll probably keep loving her, because that's just the kind of person I am. I'll hold onto these stupid conversations, these silly encounters and predicaments. Out scheming, studying, talking, and spending time with each other. I will forever remember these times because they didn't erase my past, they reconciled it. She has struggled too, she still does. So do I. We can struggle together at the very least. To love somebody with all your heart is a confusing thing. Every little word leaves you wanting more, hoping for more, every action they take does the same. But if you're content with just loving, then what do you get back? I'm not content with just loving, I want her to love me. I hope she'll tell me those three words one day. But even if she doesn't, what will I do? I'll move on, it's what she taught me, I will take the memories of happiness with me and move forward. Maybe then I'd finally accept the kindness and love of others like I do with her.
To love is to let go. Of your self-interest, your hate, your dignity. To truly love somebody, is to give them more than just your heart, but
everything in your body, your mind, and your soul. To entrust things of such monumental importance to another is a hard task, but a fulfilling one. It feels freeing. Not to dump yourself on another, but to hold their shoulder and let them hold yours as well. To go arm in arm and keep walking along the path of life. Together, people are stronger, love is the strongest emotion a human can feel, far more potent and long-lasting than hate, jealousy, conceit, or anything else. It's the most beautiful emotion, and one I intend to cherish with all my heart for as long as it lasts.
I want to be able to hold her. To be with her. To be allowed to openly love Sakurako Egawa, and for her to return it. Once I get a hold of what I want, I will never let go of her. Not for the rest of my life. Because she is my life. Not all of it, but so much of it that a life
without her would be unbearable. Without the love I feel I don't know how far I'd go. If I lose here, it could be my final loss. But she
wouldn't want that, not for a friend. So I'll persevere. So once again, I love Sakurako Egawa. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I love her, forever.