The portal ripped open in the main hall of the Demon King's castle at exactly 9:00 a.m. sharp because HR had sent a calendar invite titled "New Hire Orientation: Human Side Edition" and the heroes were nothing if not punctual when free dental was on the line.
Out tumbled the entire hero party: the Sword Saint (level 85, sword bigger than his ego), the Holy Archer (with a bow that could pierce mountains), the Mage Prodigy (who once accidentally summoned a meteor), and the Support Priestess (who healed everything except her own social anxiety). They landed in a heap of capes, armor clanking, weapons drawn, ready for what they thought was a final desperate raid.
Instead, they were greeted by a giant banner hanging from the ceiling:
WELCOME TO EVIL CO. – WHERE BENEFITS > PROPHECY
Day 1: Onboarding & Team-Building (No Dying Allowed)
The Sword Saint blinked. "This… isn't the throne room ambush we planned."
Beelzebub stood at the front, wings folded neatly, wearing a crisp black suit with a red tie and my name tag pinned to his lapel: Beelzebub – CEO & Boyfriend (Official). He looked like he wanted to die from embarrassment but was too whipped to complain.
"Welcome," he said in his deepest, most kingly voice (which cracked on the last syllable). "Director Tanaka has prepared your orientation. Follow the rules or… performance review."
The heroes stared.
The Mage Prodigy raised a hand. "Uh… is this a trap?"
I stepped forward, clipboard in hand, wearing my best "I'm not mad, just disappointed" HR smile.
"Welcome to Evil Co. I'm Director Tanaka. You signed the contracts last night via emergency portal delivery. Effective immediately, you're on probation. First rule: No raiding during business hours."
The Holy Archer nocked an arrow instinctively. "We came to defeat the Demon King!"
Beelzebub coughed. "Technically, I'm on a performance improvement plan. And… engaged. Sort of."
The priestess squeaked. "Engaged?!"
Before anyone could process that, the succubus secretary (now VP of Marketing & Shipping) clapped her hands. "Orientation starts now! First activity: Icebreaker Combat Simulation!"
The hall's floor glowed. A massive training arena materialized lava moats, floating platforms, illusionary monsters, the works. System screens popped up for everyone:
New Quest: Team-Building Battle Royale
Objective: Survive and cooperate. Top performers get bonus vacation days.
Reward: Unlimited PTO, resurrection insurance, and a free Demon King hug (limited time).
The heroes exchanged glances.
The Sword Saint grinned. "Fine. If this is how we get dental, let's do it."
What followed was glorious chaos.
The Mage Prodigy fired a fireball straight at a dummy demon that turned out to be a very real imp intern. The imp dodged, screamed "HR violation!", and retaliated with a stapler made of hellfire.
The Holy Archer loosed holy arrows that bounced off Beelzebub's wings (he didn't even flinch too busy watching me take notes).
I shouted from the sidelines: "Cooperation! Use your skills together!"
The Sword Saint charged a lava golem. The priestess healed him mid-swing. The Mage Prodigy buffed the sword with fire magic. The Archer pinned the golem's feet with explosive arrows.
They actually worked as a team.
The golem exploded in a shower of sparks.
The heroes cheered.
Beelzebub clapped slowly. "Impressive. You're hired."
Then the real test began.
A massive shadow loomed illusionary Dragon General (former employee, now in retirement). It roared, breathing fake fire that felt very real.
The heroes panicked.
The Sword Saint swung missed.
The Archer's arrows pinged off scales.
The Mage's spell fizzled.
The priestess yelped.
Then I snapped my fingers.
Skill Activated: [Mandatory Team-Building Aura]
Blue light enveloped everyone including the heroes and Beelzebub.
Suddenly, they could feel each other's emotions. The Sword Saint felt the Archer's fear. The Mage felt the priestess's determination. Beelzebub felt… my amusement.
"Work together," I said. "Or fail probation."
The Sword Saint gritted his teeth. "Fine! Formation Delta!"
They moved like a unit.
Archer pinned the dragon's wings with holy chains.
Mage channeled a massive lightning bolt through the Sword Saint's blade.
Priestess healed and buffed simultaneously.
Beelzebub (reluctantly) added a dark energy boost because "team synergy."
The dragon exploded in a burst of fireworks (safety first).
The arena cleared.
The heroes stood panting, victorious.
The succubus secretary announced: "All new hires pass probation! Welcome to Evil Co.!"
The Sword Saint dropped his sword. "We… just helped the Demon King win?"
Beelzebub walked over, offered a hand. "Welcome aboard. Coffee's in the break room. And… thank you for not stabbing me today."
The priestess whispered, "He's kinda hot when he's polite."
The Archer elbowed her. "Shut up, we're on the evil side now."
I checked my clipboard. "Next: Benefits orientation. Dental covers fangs, resurrection is unlimited, and PTO starts at 30 days. Questions?"
The Mage raised his hand. "Can we… date coworkers?"
Beelzebub's tail lashed. "Only if you ask HR first."
I smirked. "Approved. But no overtime romance. That's my thing."
The heroes laughed nervously.
Somewhere in the background, the succubus secretary updated the shipping chart:
New Ships Unlocked:
Sword Saint x Mage Prodigy (slow burn)
Holy Archer x Priestess (enemies to lovers)
Everyone x Dental Plan
Evil Co. had never been more profitable.
And the war? Officially over.
Because nothing defeats prophecy like better health insurance.