"Don't call me mother! I don't even know you! You don't need to care about strangers! You have no obligation to help strangers, so take care of that body, alright?"
Those words left me lost in thought that morning after I woke up. I couldn't bring myself to get up, even though my sleep had been deep and undisturbed.
When I glanced to the side, Charlotte was no longer beside me. I knew where she was at least, given the current situation, it wasn't hard to guess. I was certain she was staring at Beatrice's sleeping face right now, frozen in place, having not slept the entire night. That wasn't good. She should have been resting. But she had her reasons, because she shared a strong connection with Beatrice.
"Take care of that body! My child's body!"
She knew I was not her child.
"If anything happens to my child, I'll chase you down, even into hell itself!"
And yet, she refused to admit it.
"You're not Gamma, are you? I knew it from the start. I know Gamma is already dead! But at the very least, protect the body that was given to you!"
She knew the truth, yet chose to deceive herself.
"That's why… hold on to the memories of you that remain."
Perhaps that was the reason she had become so unstable.
"This is mother's fault! It's my fault! It's my fault! It's my fault!…"
To be honest, I didn't understand why she blamed herself so fiercely.
"It's your fault! Your fault! Your fault! Die! Die! Die!"
That hatred was directed at me without hesitation. I heard it clearly. Yet all I could do was accept it. Not because I felt I deserved it, but because I doubted whether I truly didn't. Still, there was one thing I could be certain of, it wasn't my fault.
"Why did my child have to die?"
There was no answer to that question. Death is the end of a life's journey. It is never pleasant, but that doesn't mean every sorrow must have a reason. He simply died. His story ended. And it was no one's fault.
It was true that he had been poisoned. I myself had nearly become a victim, which unsettled me. But death is still death. Searching for reasons that don't exist will never bring the dead back to life.
I could think calmly because death had been my companion since the day I was born. Still, I could understand Violette's feelings. To her, I was nothing more than a stranger.
The maids who usually came to attend to me in the morning never arrived, some of them had been afflicted by the curse as well. Accustomed to the routine, I unconsciously waited for something that would never happen. By the time I realized it, half the morning had already passed, and I was still staring at the ceiling.
I prepared myself and left the room, wandering aimlessly. I didn't even know what I was supposed to do.
Just as I had expected, Charlotte was in Beatrice's room. She no longer even cared about maintaining her disguise.
In the end, the place my feet led me to was the flower garden. Normally, someone would accompany me here, sharing tea together. But this time, there was no one. Everyone was too busy with their own affairs. I was the only one who felt lost in this place.
Perhaps because I had met Violette, a seed of doubt had begun to grow within me. I could no longer imagine her as my mother. That thought made my body flinch unconsciously when Rainhard appeared, busy as always, going back and forth issuing orders to the workers. He didn't even spare a glance at me as I rested there. Would he react the same way as Violette if he learned the truth about his child?
I didn't know. That was the truth, I didn't understand. I didn't even understand Gamma, yet I tried to understand his family. In the end, he was right. I truly understood nothing.
To them, I was family. But what about me? Did I consider them my family? Honestly, I already knew the answer. I only saw them as Gamma's family, not mine. That was why I tried to act as Gamma.
In the end, I failed and resorted to improvisation. Now, I didn't even think for a moment that I could fulfill the promise I made to the god who helped me reincarnate.
I had sunk too deeply into this world. Without realizing it, I had become myself, the self I had always dreamed of being.
Running without gasping for breath. Walking without worrying about my heart. Eating without obsessing over vitamins and protein. Reading books without fearing headaches. This freedom made me careless, and it led me to where I am now.
When I saw Beatrice suddenly convulsing, I was worried. But I realized that it wasn't fear of loss, it was concern as a human being. The same feeling one has when seeing a child trying to save a cat stuck in a tree. You worry, but you know someone will step in eventually.
Under the pretense of "family," I ended up wanting to help them. But in the end, it wasn't because of "family." It was because of my sense of responsibility as Gamma toward his family.
More than that, when I caught Beatrice's collapsing body, I felt an emotion that wasn't mine. A warm emotion, one that wished to protect something precious. I knew consciously that it wasn't my own feeling, because I had no reason to feel that way toward Beatrice.
From the beginning, Beatrice and I had always kept our distance. One day alone couldn't close that gap. But none of that was a reason not to help her. I truly wanted to save her, not just to fulfill Gamma's wish. Seeing her lying motionless on the bed awakened painful memories within me. And more than anything, I didn't want to live with regret.
Yet now, I was truly confused. I should have been confused from the start. Violette had only reinforced that doubt.
To Rainhard and Violette, Beatrice was a stranger. Even if she was someone with high status, a stranger was still a stranger. In their eyes, I was merely someone willing to risk his life for a stranger. They weren't wrong, because that was the reality.
"You don't need to care about strangers!"
Did I have a reason to help her?
Honestly, if Rainhard and I agreed to ignore Beatrice's life, everyone in the mansion could be cured of the curse much faster, without worrying about information leaking out.
But that only gave rise to another question for me.
Was it really right not to help her?
I could answer other people's questions. But I couldn't answer my own. Realizing that left me suspended in ambiguity, even more lost in that flower garden.