The back. It resembled Yukiji too much.
The reason for the capricious curiosity was simply that.
Strange. He is much older than Yukiji. The curved back holding the mortar, or the speed of grinding medicine with the pestle, or the intonation of the voice calling people—such trivial things made me miss them pointlessly, and I ended up speaking to him unknowingly.
Ah, no. The expression 'miss' is also a bit strange. Yukiji has been here since that day, so there's no need to miss anything. But I don't know another word to call this caprice.
He is a doctor called Shabana, quite a mean fellow, said he comes to the pleasure quarters often but never came. Asked others, said he comes during bright daytime. Never said a word about that, too mean. Feeling deceived. Yukiji thinks so too, right?
After several futile attempts, couldn't bear it and asked the brothel owner his residence, who gladly told. Lives in bamboo grove at village outskirts with disciple.
So I headed there immediately. Of course, felt sorry going empty-handed suddenly, so properly prepared gift too. I'm quite meticulous in that regard.
But only the disciple and his younger sister were at home. The one I came to see was out for emergency house call. Thought about waiting at home, but troublesome, wisteria scent was burned at that house. A little is okay but staying long seemed difficult, so had no choice but to wait for him outside in bamboo grove.
Not long after, he returned finishing house call, seemed severely startled seeing me. Though wearing hood so expression and complexion not visible, atmosphere exuding was stiffly hardened, somehow seemed wary of me.
Rude. Harmless, good-natured people like me are rare.
Ah, or.
Perhaps noticed my true identity?
"…Didn't eat?"
At the abruptly flowing out question, I evaded with gift story in fluster, but what he really minded was something else. The two children left at home, right.
No memory of doing anything that would reveal I'm a demon. When, at what point did he notice? Because of long nails? Sharp fangs? Today saved no one so blood scent would be faint, most noticeable pupils also disguised as round as possible.
Right, didn't eat. No hobby of eating boy who isn't even a devotee.
Not that I didn't think about how ecstatic the taste of that younger sister's, the girl beautiful enough to make eyes go round, blood would be.
But because she was too happy with the gift I gave. Saying will eat with whole family tomorrow, laughing happily, can't steal that joy.
Pure, clean-hearted children I like. Just seeing them makes mood better.
Knowing the children weren't eaten, he soon felt relieved. Didn't want to be guarded against, but too simple, a bit worried. Yukiji had this aspect too. Must be careful not to be deceived by bad people. Shouldn't blindly follow strangers?
Asked purpose why came, honestly confessed just wanted to talk, he responded to that. Talked such trivial, worthless, rambling stories. To extent feeling like waste of time.
Thought interest in him would subside while talking but not at all, and after that I often visited him.
Attitude stiff at first also softened as nights repeated, speech gradually became comfortable. His attitude becoming familiar wasn't particularly pleasant, but not particularly unpleasant either.
Talking with him, chest gently warms as if drank Yukiji's medicine. Demon body unrelated to illness, so decades since drank something called medicine. Why, don't know.
"Came again today, Leader."
Learning I am Eternal Paradise Cult's Leader, he called me that. Title usually called tediously, but called by his voice feels strange.
Must have noticed I'm demon, but strangely he neither flees nor hides. Wanting to repay his kindness pretending not to know, I also behaved quietly pretending to be human.
Pleasure quarters going to deliver letters is always place where pitiful girls' laments and pain swirl. Wanting to save those children, yet still haven't eaten a single one, because if acted as demon where he would notice, probably wouldn't meet again.
Imagining that case, chest strangely cooled.
Feeling like hole pierced, wind passes through well.
──Not knowing that coolness's name either, three years have already passed since starting to talk with him. During that, Yukicho's mother died, and letters to deliver to her also ceased.
Effectively no reason to come to this area, but now come just to talk with him.
"Kyūtarō is, truly a kind child."
Only when disciple stories come out, he truly became talkative.
"Sincere and hard worker, so when teach one, accomplishes ten to twenty, prodigy. Though absorbed almost everything I taught, still says studies insufficient, doesn't neglect effort. Though blunt easily misunderstood, true nature really kind child, so saved pocket money when this small, bought me foot warmer. Angel? Honestly seems angel?? If say angel, our Ume also truly kind child, though bit tomboy when young, now became quite quiet young lady. Bright and good-hearted beauty, not great illness but many guys come to clinic to see Ume, especially prescribe bitter medicine to send back such guys. There are guys bowing heads coming to ask for daughter, or bringing yellow envelopes, but here too cooperate with Kyūtarō, send back with medicine or such. Stupid guys, most important is own heart! If want to get close somehow, start with exchange diary! Can't entrust Ume to cowardly guys who shoot words first while wanting longevity!"
Heard this story over ten times already, but when talking about family, he overflowed with vitality, so watching that strangely wasn't boring. Surely under hood, eyes of unknown color sparkling.
I don't know his face with hood removed. Said himself 'face that can't be shown to others even once,' but true? Was curious about inside, but never tried to forcibly remove hood.
Probably because his speech resembles Yukiji somewhere, unknowingly overlapping that child.
If learn his face, overlapping Yukiji might fade, so didn't try to remove.
"Shabana-kun truly cherishes two people. Said picked up children?"
"Yes. Brought collapsing ones, ended up raising as is."
"I see. I also once picked up child abandoned on road, somehow feels familiar."
"…Heh, so you did?"
"Child as smart as your house children. One slightly troublesome point."
"Troublesome point?"
"Yes. Keeps trying to leave temple. Says will become independent. Isn't it strange? Still young child."
"…Was mature child, I see."
Huh, what.
That just now, feels slightly incongruous. Why.
"…Hmm. Rather than mature, too precocious. Due to growth environment not loved by parents? That child couldn't just be child, always speech and actions acted like adult. But that not looking forced worries more, pointlessly looks more pitiful."
Whenever recalling that child buried in snow, something cool and not very pleasant wind blows in my chest.
"No need to become independent. Can stay by my side. Would treat as child even parents' share who abandoned that child. Yet tries to leave…. Outside full of scary things, many painful, hard things. Can't tell whether that child is clever or stupid."
Liked clever aspect, but also they say more foolish child cuter. Recalling night became demon, placing hand lightly on solar plexus.
"Wanting to make distant from painful things, wanting to protect from scary things, wanting to stay together always, wanting to somehow save that un-childlike child. Thinking and thinking and thinking continuously thinking── when that wish was fulfilled, heart trembled."
That was truly fate. Had meaning far more precious than mission. Gently strokes skin over stomach once filled with Yukiji. As if embracing that child become one with me.
"…Was such precious child?"
Incongruity felt again. What's its identity pondering— ah, I see.
"…Cherishing. Still continuing now."
Why does he speak of Yukiji as distant past. Yukiji became my flesh and blood, living with me like this even now.
"I see."
Four characters melt into night's stillness. Intonation-less, softly whispering tone pointlessly grates.
You asked but too indifferent. Like Yukiji. Truly he resembles Yukiji exactly in this aspect, that makes chest tumultuous.
Too similar. To unpleasant degree.
"Hey, Shabana-kun."
"What is it."
Had foolish delusion. Delusion wanting to laugh off.
"Won't you remove hood?"
"Don't want to."
"Why?"
"Said face that can't be shown to others even once."
"That's something you don't know unless you see."
In this world there is no god, no Buddha.
In heaven no paradise, on earth no hell.
Therefore soul called thing doesn't exist for people. Consequently flow called reincarnation also doesn't exist.
Humans consist of blood, bone, flesh, moving five viscera six bowels, turning brain to live.
No room for uncertain concept called soul to wedge in there.
But if soul exists in this world and dwells in people, where was Yukiji's.
Bottom of heart? Back of brain? Gap of spine? Or perhaps circulating like blood, spreading to fingertips.
Ate that child cleanly from toes to crown. Not leaving single bone, not spilling single drop of blood, not wasting even single piece of flesh.
But how ate soul— don't remember.
"Not trying to do bad thing. Just want to check a bit."
"What trying to check?"
"…Wouldn't Yukiji know?"
"No, I'm Tsukuru. Shabana family's Tsukuru. I'm not Yukiji-kun."
"Did I say Yukiji was boy?"
Never believed in invisible things like soul. So ate Yukiji's corpse, thought became one with that.
Could be together forever, with this can protect, heart trembled with emotion of saving pitiful child.
But if, that slipped out.
"Yukiji."
Call the name.
Calling child in stomach hoping this becomes just raving.
Calling name, he doesn't answer.
But because hand tried to fumble into bosom, I grabbed that hand.
Don't know what's inside bosom, but know probably prepared something. Because kept fidgeting there night first talked here, probably means to oppose demon.
"Yukiji."
Call again. No answer.
Confirming him as Yukiji, not sure what I want to do next. Just called him like checking problem's answer.
Without knowing whether what I want is correct answer or wrong answer.
Putting strength into grabbed hand, nails lightly pierced skin. From wound, blood flowed out thin as thread.
Tickling subtle sweet scent at nose tip. Scent of laurel not knowing sun. That too similar to taste first tasted becoming demon.
Gently bring mouth to his hand. Licking off red droplet, felt refreshingly cruel taste of conviction.
"You, are Yukiji, right?"
Third call decisively. Yet he answered with long sigh without resignation. Really persistent also. Truly you, that aspect──
"…No. What's here is Shabana Tsukuru. Not child like Yukiji."
Voice was gentle, tone relaxed. As if calmly admonishing child. But to me rather sounded like child's desperate lie. Yet, there's me wanting to be fooled by that shallow excuse.
Didn't want to degrade that fate where heart trembled finally being able to save child into ridiculous farce. Didn't want to acknowledge absurd reality that what believed would be together forever disappeared unknowingly.
"Very similar different person. Mistook person. Please think so."
He overlaps other hand not caught on my hand. As if praying.
Translucent white hands both right and left were cold, no resemblance to Yukiji's warm hands. At that difference, felt too late relief.
"Somehow seems like begging for life."
"That's right. I still want to live."
"Ah, everyone fears death."
So I save by eating. Accept devotees' blood and flesh, promise eternity that won't die again.
If says fears death, save him too? Right, let's do that. Because he must be Yukiji.
Though surprised Yukiji slipped out from inside me, not angry. Will forgive. It's like tag, right. It's okay. I'm strong in patience so can save dozens, hundreds of times until Yukiji gets tired.
But if eat now, how find next Yukiji? That's only worry. If goes to unreachable place again──
"Death isn't scary. What's truly scary is dying leaving something behind."
Calm voice pulls up consciousness submerged in thoughts.
"Want to continue medicine research with Kyūtarō, want to see Ume setting table too, still haven't replied to friend's letter, haven't found what seeking, too many things want to do still remain. So, won't you let me off?"
"…Now completely begging for life."
"Well, yes. In this state can't fight, can't flee. …Ah, and."
As if suddenly remembering something, he tilted head. Hood's front facing this way looking at me.
"Received gift, want to take home."
Voice softened is light, as if smiling.
At plain attachment enough to laugh, I couldn't laugh. More than that, couldn't know what expression making now. Couldn't gauge at all what emotion felt hearing his words.
Without expression or emotion keeping up, only conclusion came out.
"Sorry, seems mistaken."
Decided to grant his clumsy begging for life. Though too late for everything to pretend not to know, but because he, no one else, wants so, kind me decided to follow that intention.
Will pretend to be fooled. As elder, want to indulge child's whims, right?
He isn't Yukiji, but will do as such, Yukiji usually not whimsical child, so will indulge instead of Yukiji.
Making usual smile, releasing hand with tap, blood dripped from his hand. Handle that with Yukiji-like scent, but this time completely as if don't know.
"Just understanding is enough."
"Hand, hurt, right? Sorry?"
"It's okay. This much apply saliva will heal… uh sorry, just saying, could you let go of this hand!"
"Huh? But I caused wound so should take responsibility."
"Small kindness, big meddling! Thanks but feeling alone is enough!"
Hand grabbed again this time shaken off fiercely. Not thing to dislike that much. Get a bit sulky.
Though face not visible due to hood, he pressed wounded area muttering as if annoyed.
"…Truly grateful nuisance."
"Sorry, still angry?"
"Angry. Angry but forgave. Thought could never forgive but since learned reason, no actually still not convinced but understood, now it's okay. Will forgive."
Was it thing to get that angry? Don't know reason for his anger, I tilted head. But since said forgives, didn't pry further. If poked unnecessarily and geyser spouts, troublesome. Don't want unnecessary burns.
"Meaning of apology, next gift will bring what you like. What do you like?"
"Bezoar. Bagful."
"Was talking about sweets, I."
Cunning. Boldly demands expensive thing.
"Then castella."
"Okay. Will bring as soon as possible."
"Can come slowly. From tomorrow will leave house empty for while."
"Oh, really?"
"For work going far out. About three days to week. …By the way, thought before."
"Hmm?"
"Always come whenever I go out at night. How do you know that?"
He wondered, but I rather want to react same.
"How know, just come when feel like it. Huh, seeing that tone, seems rare to go out at night?"
"Don't go out that often."
"Met every time thought go out every night. Wow, truly coincidence!"
Neither promised nor aimed, meeting this often, this is that.
"Somehow seems like fate, doesn't it?"
"No, not even dust particle amount."
"Truly no cuteness."
"Not at all."
Hooded he snorted laugh. Unlike Yukiji in memories, laugh without cuteness. Where learned. Though thought rude, strangely not unpleasant, familiar emotion surged.
If eat him after doing all want to do, finishing everything like that, then will stay inside me? Will be saved obediently?
Then decided to wait until then.
Until his lifespan ends, continue coming here.
With plain gifts, to exchange worthless stories.