The Infinite Hotel lobby is calm.Too calm.Uncomfortably calm.
Dr. Gears, Clef, Iceberg, Light, and the assigned MTF escort stand before Alex, each recording every detail with trembling hands or deadpan professionalism.
Alex stands politely, hands behind his back, name tag shining:
"HELLO, I AM THE INFINITE HOTEL."
Initial Questioning
Dr. Light steps forward first.
Dr. Light: "We would like to begin with basic identification questions."
Alex gives a polite nod.
Alex: "Ask away."
Question 1: Who are you?
Alex: "I am the Infinite Hotel."
The researchers pause, expecting more.
They get nothing else.
Question 2: What are you?
Alex: "The Infinite Hotel."
Clef whispers,
"God, he's doing this on purpose."
Question 3: Where are we?"
Alex: "In the Infinite Hotel."
Gears furrows his brow without changing his expression.Iceberg slowly writes: "Entity may be intentionally unhelpful or hyper-literal."
Question 4: What is your motive?"
Alex taps a finger against his tie.
Alex: "I am a sentient, infinite, non-Euclidean hotel outside of the Omniverse.You are smart people.You can figure out the rest."
All four researchers stare.
Clef mutters:
"This thing is a comedian."
Alex:
"No. I am an hotel."
Iceberg pinches the bridge of his nose.
Gears simply writes:
"Answers consistent with self-definition. No evidence of dishonesty."
Rule Cataloging: Controlled ExperimentsExperiment 1: Rule 1 — No Fighting
Clef, being Clef, suggests the test.
He steps 1 meter from Dr. Iceberg, raises a fist, and says:
"For science."
Alex snaps a finger.
Clef teleports into a wooden high chair, strapped in with soft padded restraints, wearing a bib labeled:
"NO FIGHTING."
Clef blinks once.
Clef: "…okay, that's on me."
Gears writes:
Rule 1 is absolute.
Punishment appears humorous but efficient.
No physical harm inflicted.
Experiment 2: Rule 2 — Weapon Confiscation
Iceberg holds a standard sidearm.
He steps inside.
The gun vanishes.
He steps outside.
The gun reappears neatly at his holster.
Iceberg tries again.
Gone.
Outside again.
Back.
Light tests with:
a taser
a tranquilizer
a baton
a pencil (not a weapon—was not confiscated)
a spoon (confiscated, returned outside)
Clef tests by pulling a gun made of folded paper.
It vanishes too.
Clef:
"Okay, that's just personal."
Alex:
"Yes."
Gears notes:
Confiscation applies to all items judged as weapons.
Hotel's judgment appears context-driven.
Paper gun should not qualify → entity displays selective logic.
Experiment 3: Rule 3 — Censoring in Presence of Children
Dr. Light asks:
"Do you censor profanity?"
Alex nods.
He snaps.
A Hive staff member appears — designed to look like a child.(Still faceless, but clearly "child-coded.")
Clef clears his throat dramatically.
Clef: "F—"
BEEP.
Clef: "Sh—"
BEEP.
Clef: "Son of a b—"
BEEP.
Dr. Light asks the child-coded Hive member:
"Do you swear?"
Hive-child: "Yes." (Monotone, perfect English)
Clef screams:
"F—"
The censorship does not activate.
Clef looks delighted.
Gears scribbles furiously:
Rule 3 depends entirely on contextual detection.
Children who swear remove restriction.
Entity enforces this without error.
Experiment 4: Rule 4 — Healing
Iceberg volunteers.Iceberg always volunteers.
He slices his palm with a scalpel.
Blood forms—
—and instantly vanishes.
The wound closes.
Clef mutters:
"This thing is SCP-500 with room service."
Gears tests with an aging injury.
A Hive member taps his shoulder.
His chronic stiffness disappears instantly.
Aizawa's reaction echoes in the back of Alex's mind.
Light tests with mild dehydration.
Instant recovery.
Gears notes:
Healing is automatic, non-invasive, instantaneous, non-harmful.
Hotel likely detects injury pathways at metaphysical level.
Experiment 5: Rule 5 — Payment Conversion
Light hands over:
USD
Yen
Euros
Bartering tokens
D-Class coupons
A candy wrapper (rejected)
A rock (rejected)
A gold-plated brick (accepted)
Everything immediately converts into SCP Foundation currency equivalents and appears in an accounting ledger that materializes beside Alex.
Alex hands Light a receipt:
(Infinite Hotel™)Transaction Complete.Thank you, Customer #000042.
Clef whispers:
"Did this building just financially integrate us?"
Alex:
"Yes."
The Dining Hall Test
Gears asks the big question:
"May we test the dining facilities?"
Alex nods.
Alex: "Follow me.Please do not eat the walls.Someone always tries to eat the walls."
Clef:
"Why would someone try—"
Alex turns his head slowly.
Alex: "Someone always tries."
Clef mutters:
"I hate that I believe you."
Into the Dining Hall
The doors slide open.
Inside is the Infinite Dining Hall:
White marble floor
Gold chandeliers
Window showing a swirling nebula
Hive-chefs preparing Toriko-world food
Tables stretching into infinity
The entire Foundation group stops.
Clef whispers:
"I think I'm hallucinating."
Alex:
"You're not."
Gears tries to calculate the spatial geometry.
He fails.
Light takes photos.
Iceberg breathes in the aroma and says:
"This is… ominously good."
Clef attempts picking up a fork.
A Hive member politely hands him a napkin and says:
"No violence with utensils. Thank you."
Clef sighs.
"I can't even threaten my mashed potatoes."
Alex smiles.
"Welcome to the Infinite Dining Hall."
36.5 — Conclusion of Chapter 36
The Foundation sits down.
Their food arrives.
Dr. Iceberg takes a bite.
He freezes.
He whispers:
"This taste… should not be legal."
Clef takes a bite.
He falls off his chair.
Light takes a bite.
She tears up.
Gears takes a bite.
He says "Interesting," which is the Gears equivalent of screaming and fainting.
Alex stands with hands folded.
Alex: "Any questions?"
The entire Foundation team speaks at once.