Chapter 33: How to Tell Who's Close and Who's Not
After dinner, Bruce and Ross followed Joey and Chandler back to their apartment.
Bruce and Ross flanked Chandler as they walked into the living room; Joey headed to the kitchen for a snack.
The moment Chandler sat on the couch, he turned to Bruce and Ross, who were about to sit down. "Hey, why are you two still here? It's getting late. We don't have spare beds for you guys."
Bruce and Ross abandoned sitting and stood on either side of Chandler's couch. Ross put his hand on Chandler's shoulder. "Chandler, Bruce needs to tell you something important."
Chandler looked at their serious expressions. "Alright, I'm listening. But if you're about to tell me someone died, make sure the funeral's on Saturday so I have an excuse to skip my mom's book signing."
Ross gave an uncomfortable laugh. "No one died. Bruce, go ahead."
Bruce took a deep breath, his hands clenched. "Chandler, during dinner, outside the restrooms... something really awkward happened. I need to tell you about it."
Chandler dropped the joking tone when he saw Bruce's face. "Okay, I'm listening. What happened?"
"It's about your mom, Nora..." Bruce started with difficulty. "She was talking to me in the hallway about writing... and then... maybe she'd had too much to drink, or we were too deep in the conversation... she... suddenly tried to kiss me."
"WHAT?!" Chandler and Joey yelled at the same time. Joey nearly dropped his cereal bowl.
Bruce rushed to explain. "I swear, Chandler, I didn't do anything! I was frozen, my back was against the wall, I had nowhere to go. She just came at me! At the last second I threw up my hand and blocked her!" He glanced at his left palm. "So she didn't actually kiss me—she kissed my hand! Ross had just come out of the restroom—he saw everything!"
Chandler's face went through shock, embarrassment, anger (whether at Nora or Bruce or both), and disbelief. He turned sharply to Ross. "Ross?! Is that true? You saw this?"
Ross nodded quickly, his expression serious. "Yes, Chandler. When I opened the door, Nora was leaning in to kiss Bruce. Bruce was frozen, then he jerked back and threw his hand up. Nora ended up kissing his hand. The whole thing happened really fast, but I saw it clearly. Bruce didn't start it, and she didn't actually kiss him." He emphasized the last part.
Joey stood there with his mouth open, looking from Bruce to Ross to Chandler, processing this bombshell.
Chandler closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly, trying to control his emotions. When he opened them, he looked at Bruce with a complicated expression. "Okay, Bruce... first, thank you for telling me. This is really..." He couldn't find the words. "Second, I'm sorry about my mom's behavior. That was completely inappropriate and unprofessional. She's so... Nora!" Frustration and anger filled his voice.
Bruce said quickly, "Chandler, you don't need to apologize! I told you because I didn't want this to become a secret between us. I know your mom is... pretty forward. I just feel terrible that you had to hear this."
Chandler held up a hand. "Thank you for using your hand to block her! Seriously! Otherwise... I don't even know what I'd do." He met Bruce's eyes with a mix of relief and gratitude. "I appreciate you telling me directly. And thanks for... not letting it get worse."
The weight on Bruce's chest finally lifted. "Thanks for understanding, Chandler. Really."
Chandler nodded, then turned to Ross. "And thanks for being there to witness it, Ross."
Ross shrugged. "I just happened to walk out at the wrong time."
Joey finally spoke up. "Wow! That's the most Nora thing I've ever heard!"
Chandler shot Joey a warning look. Joey immediately backed off.
As the atmosphere lightened slightly, Bruce couldn't help asking, "Chandler... can I ask you something? Hypothetically—and this is purely hypothetical—if your mom had tried to kiss Ross instead of me tonight, would you still be taking this so calmly? Or would you be even more upset?"
Ross immediately protested, "Bruce! Why are you dragging me into this? This is a pointless question!"
Chandler went silent. His jaw tightened and his eyebrows drew together. He imagined the scene—Nora trying to kiss Ross—and felt a surge of anger so intense he almost started cursing.
"See!" Bruce pointed at Chandler's suddenly dark expression. "Your face says it all! Just imagining it makes you way angrier than you are now!"
Chandler snapped, "Fine! Yes! If my mom had tried that with Ross, I'd be furious—like, want-to-punch-a-wall furious! Happy now? What's your point? That I don't consider you a real friend?"
Bruce shook his head seriously. "No, Chandler. It's precisely because you see me as a friend that you apologized for what happened. If I were a stranger, you'd probably just think, 'Oh, another guy my mom hit on,' laugh it off, and feel no need to apologize.
Your anger and apology come from feeling like your family hurt your friend—that's what friendship means. And you'd react even more strongly about Ross because you've known him longer—the sense of violation would be deeper. I get it. I'm not questioning our friendship... I'm just pointing out how interesting these relationship dynamics are."
Chandler looked stunned. He clearly hadn't expected that interpretation. The anger on his face faded, replaced by something more complex.
He looked at Bruce, then at Ross, and finally sighed heavily. "Bruce... sometimes the way your brain works is just... never mind."
He waved dismissively. "Anyway, this ends here. You two..." He pointed at Bruce and Ross. "Can you leave now? I need to be alone and process tonight."
Joey jumped in, trying to lighten the mood. "Hey, Chandler, didn't you say you didn't want to go to your mom's book signing on Saturday? Maybe Bruce should go instead—he just had a 'professional discussion' with her..."
"Joey!" Chandler slammed his hand on the coffee table. "Listen up, everyone! From now on, whenever I'm not around, none of you—especially Bruce—can get within ten feet of Nora Bing! For your own safety and sanity! Got it?"
"Got it!" Bruce, Ross, and Joey answered in unison, nodding quickly.
CRACK!
The instant they responded, the coffee table Chandler had hit made a sharp cracking sound and tilted sideways—crash!—the entire top collapsed to the floor, one leg completely broken off.
The room went silent. All four stared at the destroyed table.
"Oh my God, Chandler," Ross was the first to react. "How hard did you hit that?"
Joey crouched down to examine the broken leg. "We're screwed! Our coffee table! We'll have to buy a new one!"
Chandler stared at the broken leg, then covered his face and let out a long, helpless groan: "Oh... my... God..."
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