Chapter 18: Only Ross Has to Keep the Deal
That evening, Bruce got a call back from Grace. "Hi, Bruce, it's Grace!"
"Hi! Did you just get off work?"
"Yes, just walked in. I got your message, so I'm calling back. Did you apologize to everyone else too?"
"No, just you. Why do you ask?"
"Because there were more than two people at dinner last night. If you think falling asleep was rude, why didn't you apologize to everyone who was there? Why only me?"
Bruce was about to answer when he paused. "Are you messing with me again?"
Grace laughed. "Alright, you caught me. Actually, you don't have to apologize to anyone. It's no big deal. I just didn't expect you to take it so seriously!"
"Well, thanks for saying that. But even though your question was a joke, I can still answer it. My mom really likes you. The whole point of Christmas dinner was to set us up. When I fell asleep at the table, I basically ruined what she'd worked so hard to arrange."
"So that's what this is about. You only mentioned your mom likes me—what do you think of me?"
"I think you're great! That's why I called. What about you?"
Grace laughed. "I think you're as goofy as when we were kids. I can't help wanting to tease you!"
"If you want to tease me, you'll have to see me first. How about dinner again? I promise I absolutely won't fall asleep this time."
"Sure. When?"
"How about six o'clock this Saturday?"
"Wow, that's New Year's Eve—so this will be a real date! Are you planning to kiss me at midnight?"
"Well, if I said no, I'd be denying your beauty, wouldn't I?"
"I'll take that as a yes. Let's see what happens when the clock strikes twelve!"
"Right, Monica's throwing a New Year's party at her place. We'll be there for the countdown. Is that okay?"
"Of course. See you Saturday!"
Bruce hung up and headed downstairs. Nobody was in Monica's apartment, so he went down to Central Perk.
Sure enough, Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross were on the couch while Rachel worked behind the counter. Ross spotted him first. "Hi, Bruce!" He slid over to make room.
The moment Bruce sat down, he announced, "Guys, about our no-dates-on-New-Year's pact... I'm out. Grace agreed to have dinner with me and come to the party."
Monica immediately said, "Wait, didn't you say you'd spend three weeks calling a girl before asking her out? What happened to that?"
Bruce shrugged. "Plans change."
Phoebe jumped in. "I can't believe it—Bruce, you're the first to bail on us." She dropped her accusing finger and switched tones. "Well, I'm seeing David that night."
"Who's David?" Bruce asked.
Chandler answered, "The scientist she met here the other day while you were gone. Oh, whatever—I'm getting back together with Janice!"
Ross's eyes widened. "Janice? Your ex? Are you sure about that?"
"Yes, I'm scared, okay? I don't want to be alone when the ball drops!"
Ross looked around. "Alright, full disclosure—who else has a date for New Year's?"
Bruce offered, "I'm guessing Joey will bring someone. This afternoon he took a girl out in the limo."
Monica raised her hand. "Since Bruce, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey all have dates, I'm inviting someone too."
"Who?" Ross asked.
"Fun Bobby!"
"Fun Bobby? Your ex?"
Monica nodded.
Ross sighed. "Chandler, Monica—grabbing an ex because you're scared of being alone at midnight is a terrible idea."
Chandler shot back, "Easy for you to say. You don't have an ex to call—Carol's with Susan now!"
Ross opened his mouth, closed it, and finally muttered, "Shut up, Chandler."
Rachel finished her shift, took off her apron, and joined them. "What are we talking about?"
"Apparently everyone broke the no-date pact and turned New Year's into date night," Ross said.
Thinking Ross meant her, Rachel defended herself. "Paolo suddenly told me he's flying back to New York! I thought he'd be in Italy for New Year's!"
Ross groaned. "My God, even you have a date? Am I going to be the only one alone at midnight?"
Rachel patted his shoulder. "Looks like you'd better find someone before the countdown, Ross."
Ross stood. "No. I won't. As the only person keeping the 'no dates on New Year's' rule, I say: shame on all of you!"
Bruce raised a hand. "Hey, don't blame me. I only said 'maybe' back then, and maybe means maybe!"
"Especially you—you started this whole thing!" Ross headed for the door.
As he reached it, Joey walked in. Joey started to greet him, but Ross barked, "Shame on you!" and stormed past, leaving Joey confused.
Joey slid onto the couch. "What's with Ross? What did I do?"
Chandler grinned. "Don't feel bad—he just called all of us shameful."
"What exactly happened?"
Bruce explained, "We all agreed not to bring dates to the New Year's Eve party, but Ross just found out that everyone except him broke that promise."
Joey frowned. "Wait, I wasn't even here—how'd he know I'm bringing someone?"
"I told him. You've been out with a girl all day. Did you really think you wouldn't bring her to the party?"
"Uh... you got me there. But you should've left me out of it and let Ross have at least one lonely teammate. Now he thinks we all betrayed him!"
"Joey, Ross isn't blind. If you bring a girl on New Year's Eve, he'll see her. By the way, you returned the car, right?"
"Of course. Even filled the tank. The guy said the hold on your card will be released tomorrow."
Monica laughed. "Joey, you took that limo out with a girl tonight—anything happen in the back seat? We all know how roomy those things are."
Joey answered carefully, "Let's just say something happened, but I'm not giving details."
Chandler smirked. "Joey, as long as you weren't doing calculus back there, we already know the details."
Phoebe asked, "When did you meet a new girl? I haven't seen you with anyone lately."
"Do I have to say?"
"Why not? We'll find out on New Year's Eve anyway."
Joey thought for a moment, then looked at Bruce. "Bruce, if I tell them, promise you won't be upset."
Phoebe blurted, "Oh my God—don't tell me it's Bruce's mom!"
Bruce and Joey both stared at her.
Phoebe realized how that sounded. "Sorry, no idea where that came from. But Joey's been with us most of the time lately. Aside from us, the woman he sees most is Bruce's mom..."
Bruce cut in, "There's also Grace and her roommate Audrey..." Then it clicked. "Joey, you're dating Audrey. Tonight's dinner was with her, wasn't it?"
"Yes, I'm seeing Audrey. Bruce, do you mind?"
"Of course not. Why would I? I've known Audrey exactly as long as you have."
"Because Audrey's Grace's roommate, and Grace... I don't know what's going on between you two. If you start dating her, you'll be around Audrey a lot. If Audrey and I break up, you'd be stuck in the middle and it could get awkward."
Instead of answering, Bruce turned to Chandler. "Sounds like he's speaking from experience. As his roommate, has this happened before?"
Chandler nodded emphatically. "Bruce, you nailed it. First, don't expect Joey to commit long-term. Second, never set him up with someone from your circle who wants something serious—she'll end up hating you. But Audrey doesn't count. You both met her at the same time."
Bruce told Joey, "Alright, just... try to be decent about this. Don't dump her the second you get bored."
Before Joey could respond, Monica said, "Bruce, I didn't know you were so thoughtful."
"That's because I've got countless invisible antennae sensing everyone's deepest feelings—basic skill for any writer."
Just then Bruce noticed someone outside waving at him through the window. It was Ruby, his old agent.
Ruby came in. "Bruce, I waited at your apartment forever. I was about to leave when I saw you here."
"Hey, Ruby. Since you're here, have some coffee. My treat."
Bruce ordered and introduced her. "This is Ruby, my agent back when I was writing adult films."
He turned to Ruby. "We already covered everything on the phone—what else is there?"
"It's important. After we talked, I called Wildcat and told them you'd turned down Crazy Clerk #69. Know what they said?"
"I'm not remotely interested in what they said."
Ruby continued anyway. "They said they've seen your type before: first movie's a hit, studio asks for a sequel, you refuse so you can demand more money."
"Tell them to find someone else."
"Hey, relax. Anyway, after complaining about you, they caved. Bumped the fee from twenty thousand to forty, and you still get your royalty. Forty grand, Bruce—that used to take you five scripts."
Bruce remained unmoved. "Sorry, Ruby. I already said no. Money won't change that."
Seeing Bruce so firm, Ruby grabbed the coffee the server brought, gulped it down, then yelped and slammed it back on the table—it was too hot.
Ruby took a breath. "Bruce, I know you have principles, but I'm not asking as your agent. I'm asking as your friend. I need that commission." His voice dropped. "Do you consider me a friend? Say no and I'll walk out right now."
Bruce answered immediately. "Of course I do. When I'd just graduated and nobody wanted my scripts, you got me my first job. I'll never forget that."
He paused. "But with you putting it like that, I'd feel like a real jerk if I didn't help."
Ruby lunged forward and hugged him. "Thank you, Bruce!"
Bruce freed himself. "I really can't stand it when people play the sentiment card, Ruby. This is the last time—my friends here are witnesses. Next time, no matter what you say, don't ask me to write adult films. If you want to hang out, great. If it's about scripts, don't come."
Ruby grinned. "Bruce, I swear—this is the last time."
With that, Ruby went outside, grabbed something from the car parked at the curb, and came back in.
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