"Nothing in this world is harder than speaking the truth, nothing easier than flattery."- Fyodor Dostoevsky
A day later after the events, the girl's mind was racing with all sort of thoughts.
What if everything she was working on was pointless because her future would unfold terribly anyways? What if she didn't watch the blood moon that day? What would happen in the future? What will happen? When will everything bad occur?
She started to feel short of breath and her chest was hurting.
Her heart was almost beating out of her chest, so she simply closed her eyes and tried to let the feeling go away while hearing the fast beats of her heart.
The strategy would calm her down for a bit, but after a while, she would be so exhausted from all the thoughts of impending doom that she'd want to go to sleep immediately.
She had an upset stomach after all the racing thoughts, her hands were trembling and her legs felt like they wouldn't be able to keep her up if she was to get out of bed.
But there she was, managing to get out of bed slowly while her shortness of breath just didn't seem to subside, but only get worse when standing up.
Vivien looked in the mirror at her soft features. Her eyes followed over her wavy brunette hair and looked at her fair skin.
A small mole was present just under her right eye. It is said that having a mole under your eye makes you sensitive, though Vivien didn't believe in all the superstitions.
She looked once again at herself. Her cheeks were bright red.
She let a few tears drip from her cheeks as to try and let the feeling of impending doom go away.
It was all too much, everything hurt and the tiredness and nausea added on top of her terrible chest pain and back pain wanted to simply make her give up on it all.
Her hands were cold and she just couldn't get warmed up.
In the house, the temperature was quite normal, so why did it feel like she was living in Siberia?
The air at minus 60 degrees Celcius is difficult to breathe, and she had difficulty breathing then. It was the most appropriate comparison.
She clutched her chest tightly, perhaps that would help her get over the feeling that something terrifying was going to happen to her, or to Sylas. But no, it didn't help. Nothing helped. She didn't want to keep feeling that way.
Her chest felt tight and stung, like something was snapping at it and poking needles all the while making her unable to breathe properly.
She just wanted all the suffering and pain to go away.
All she needed was someone to reassure her she'll be okay, that she's loved. Because she oftentimes felt nobody around her cared about her. Nobody around her would bat an eye if she felt sick or was dying. That's why she hid it all away from people.
Vivien was too quiet, she didn't participate much in conversations, barely anyone looked her way. And who eventually looked her way, she always tried pushing away in order not to meet her true self in fear of getting rejected and abandoned again.
In her mind, she would recall some of the moments she went through in her life.
Vivien used to be much more sociable and relaxed when she was younger. She was a carefree child who always made people laugh and didn't have a single worry in the world.
The little girl she used to be was extremely loud, spoke to attract attention all the time and was basically fearless. She wanted to be included in everything and would never stop speaking, constantly finding something new to talk about with everyone she met.
From a young age, the girl was pushed forward by her parents to learn. That would venture itself to fruition, through blood, sweat, and tears. Vivien was accepted into the best middle school in Tallis at the time.
In middle school, Vivien had a best friend. They would do absolutely everything together, from going to eachother's houses to play videogames to meeting at the mall. Vivien was a completely different person back then.
Once, the girl asked her best friend if they would have eachother's backs and if their friendship would last forever. Of course, her best friend answered „yes!" without a doubt to all her questions.
Vivien was a lot more extroverted back then from what she used to be like in the present, but something changed in her life that had an effect on her personality shift.
The girl became very closed off after her best friend replaced her with somebody else.
She didn't understand why her best friend had stopped talking to her and avoiding her, saying that it'd be weird to talk to her ever again after having abandoned her.
Vivien was left all alone for two years. From 6th grade to 8th grade, she had no friends and people would call her fat.
Perhaps that's what she was missing to get a friend. Better looks!
She was scared to step into class, fearing her classmates would look at her weirdly and laugh about her being chubby and a crybaby once again.
Vivien decided to skip meals in order to lose weight. That would bring her to terms with her own understanding of human nature better.
She eventually lost 15 kilos (33 pounds), becoming almost unrecognizable. But that didn't seem enough to her. The classmates from middle school would finally ask her if she was okay, but Vivien always answered she was doing fine.
Because of her loneliness, she developed panic attacks. She had them every night, making her unable to sleep.
Her fear of stepping into class or speaking in front of the class subsided, though it took a while.
Vivien feared that if she didn't act a certain way, people would always avoid her and that she'd be alone forever. She thought of herself as cringe and too boring for others to like her.
Her usual spark from years ago was nowhere to be found, no matter how hard she tried to picture her old self again.
She spoke way too quietly all of a sudden. Nobody could understand her, people wouldn't pay attention to her as much as they used to because of her shyness.
Vivien developed a fear of speaking to people. She thought voicing her opinions would make herself look fragile, too upset, too awkward or too boring to be liked.
She was invisible everywhere she went, nothing she did mattered to anybody, as well as to herself.
All she wanted was to have a group of people she could engage in fun conversation with. To have people to hold close. Everybody else around her spoke freely and had friends, why couldn't she also receive that?
She eventually made friends in 9th grade, though their friendship didn't last long. After Vivien shared her feelings to one of her friends in highschool that she didn't think she was cared for in the group, they kicked her out of it.
She didn't have anymore friends again, and she felt worse than she had ever before. Vivien made a vow to herself after that event to never share her feelings to people ever again, be it sickness, be it anything. Perhaps hiding her true feelings and thoughts would make her gain friends again.
All she wanted was to be normal, included in every activity and listened to like everybody else was.
In 10th grade, she decided to move to Elton High, pursuing her love for literature. She had always dreamt of becoming an actress or a journalist.
People at Elton were nicer, more welcoming, but more prone to gossip. All the words Vivien heard about herself upset her, but she kept moving forward.
She found Grace and Rachel, her companions that would never bring harm to her or let her down.
She placed her full trust in them, and Vivien knew it was silly, but she was glad to leave all of her pain behind. Her panic attacks weren't occurent anymore.
Little did she know she would experience the same terrifying feelings again in 12th grade. From all the stress to be good enough and to achieve something, she felt there was no way forward.
There were a couple of thoughts trapping her. She didn't know how to calm them down.
The girl stepped away from the mirror and she wiped her tears. This couldn't be happening again, she wouldn't let her own mind be the cause of her horrible state.
Vivien wiped her tears with a determined look. She had to find Sylas.
...
A while later, the girl put on her jacket. She was still extremely tired from the state of panic she was in, but she pushed forward.
She left the house and called Sylas. A low voice answered in a fake-shy manner.
„Hello, who's there?"
„Vivien."
„You want to confess your undying love and gratitude for me by asking me out?"
„I express quite the opposite of that for you. I'll meet you at the library from school in ten. Don't be late.", Vivien hanged up on the call after hearing the boy try to say something more, though she didn't give him the chance.
She waited for him to arrive at Elton while still reminiscing on what Leonard had told them the other day.
The time was around 6 p.m., and Vivien just couldn't wait to discover more about their future.
The girl waited there, looking around to notice if his familiar face would show anytime soon. She knew he lived close to Elton since he had spoken about it before during classes.
She eventually turned her head to the left and noticed him. The boy walked towards her, still wearing that yellow bolo tie and still having that awful smirk plastered on his face.
„You don't think calling me all of a sudden can excuse the fact that you've ignored me the entire day, huh? Just asking. I'm supposed to be your partner in crime, the one to help you through this whole crazy time traveling thing. You're hurting my fweelings, dopeeey!"
„Nope."
„Soooo, where are we going?"
„To 2028. Follow my lead."
„Bossy as always."