I woke to the sound of applause, laughter, shouting, and a massive pain in my stomach.
When I opened my eyes, I found myself in what appeared to be a cage covered by… a cloth?
And it stank like hell.
That damn Raven woman.
I hadn't even recovered from the airship crash when this mountain lunatic beat me senseless and dragged me here. For what?
A festival?
I grabbed the cloth and tried to lift it to get my bearings.
The light streamed through the opening, too bright and hot, blurring everything for a moment. The sounds outside exploded in my ears—shouts, laughter, something that sounded like music but could just as easily be a form of sonic torture.
I slowly lifted the cloth a little higher, trying not to draw attention—just enough to see where the hell I was.
With my two eyes, I saw… two… three… ten… fifteen…
A whole bunch of people.
Tents, campfires, weapons hanging from trees, children running around, and adults drinking something that definitely wasn't grape juice.
The whole scene looked like a documentary about a cannibal tribe—if not for their clothes.
I shifted slightly inside the cage, trying to adjust my position… and that was all it took.
One of the children—small, with a face covered in dirt—stopped running and turned her head toward me. Her eyes narrowed with curiosity, gleaming as if she'd just discovered a rare creature.
She took two cautious steps toward my cage.
And that was it. I'd been noticed.
"Hello?"
The child blinked. Once. Twice. Then she tilted her head like a dog trying to understand a new trick.
She glanced around to make sure no adults were watching, then took another step closer, almost pressing her face against the bars of my cage.
"Are you… a monkey?" she whispered, hopeful.
Strange child.
"No… but—"
"Oh, bye."
She turned her back instantly and hurried back to her friends.
The child was already almost out of earshot when, driven by desperation, I did the only sensible thing a human trapped in a cage could do.
"I'M A MONKEY!"
She stopped walking and slowly turned her head, her eyes sparkling with delight.
"You… are?" she asked, as if she'd just discovered a magical treasure.
"Yes!" I replied too quickly.
"I'm a monkey. A Great Ape. Very rare. One of those… exotic ones."
"Exotic…" she repeated, moving closer.
"I've never seen an exotic monkey before."
Neither had I.
"It's because we hide," I replied, trying to sound mysterious rather than desperate.
"We live in hiding. Deep in hiding. Like… top-secret, maximum-level hideouts."
The child's mouth dropped open in astonishment, completely awestruck.
"Wow… so you're like… special?"
"Extremely," I said, because it didn't hurt to dream.
She leaned in a little closer—another centimeter and she'd be through the fabric.
"What do you look like? Do you have fur? A lot of fur? A little fur? Are you big? Are you small? Do you… eat people?"
"No!" I answered quickly. Too quickly. "I mean, no. I don't eat people. Varied diet. Healthy. Fruits. Things like that."
She frowned, as if trying to assemble an invisible puzzle.
"You look like a cool monkey."
"Thanks. I try."
Anyway, I needed information.
"Little girl, do you know where we are?"
She blinked, as if the question were utterly bizarre.
"Of course I do," she replied proudly. "You're in our tribe's camp."
It was a start.
I took a deep breath.
"And… what tribe would that be?"
She tilted her head, confused.
"The Branwen tribe."
Her eyes widened. "Ah! You don't know because you're a rare monkey, right?"
"Exactly," I replied, accepting my fate. "My… people don't venture far from the forest."
She leaned closer, lowering her voice.
"We're the tribe of Lady Raven."
Raven?
"Red hair, a grumpy face, and a sword?"
"That's her!" she grinned.
I shot her.
I shot the leader of a tribe of lunatics who believed in talking monkeys.
"She found you in the forest and said the White Fang might like you. I don't know what that means, but I think it's grown-up stuff."
Fuck.
If she was going to sell me, she should at least sell me to the SDC.
I'd offered her a very good deal.
Maybe it was because I shot her.
"Do you know where she is?"
The girl thought for a moment.
"Hmm… Chief Raven? I think she's with the other adults. They're doing that usual thing."
"Usual thing…?" I repeated.
"Yeah! Yelling, breaking things, drinking some really stinky bottles, and then fighting each other to see who's left standing."
She smiled innocently.
Perfect.
She hadn't let any of the guards think I was just some small piece of shit.
Oh, how wrong she was.
I was a whole mountain.
"Alright... what's your name, girl?"
"I'm ANDY!" she shouts, puffing out her chest with pride as if announcing the name of a legendary warrior.
"Andy... Andy, could you do a favor for this poor monkey who hasn't seen sunlight in years?" I make a fake sobbing noise, half-choked, sounding like a sick cat.
Her eyes widen in alarm.
"ARE YOU DYING?!"
"No! No, no. Just... emotionally." I take a deep breath, hamming it up. "You see... I'm trapped here. Monkeys don't handle cages well. It's cultural."
She brings her hand to her mouth.
"Cultural..."
"Yes. It's a long story. Very tragic. Several bananas were involved."
I shake my head as if recalling a dark and traumatic past.
"My people have suffered greatly, Andy."
She looks like she's about to cry for me. Perfect.
"But you can help me."
"Me?" She points to herself, her expression that of someone just chosen as the heroine of an epic tale.
"You. Andy... the brave."
She straightens up, clearly won over.
"What do I have to do?"
The moment has come.
"I need you to do something for me..."
I pause dramatically.
"Get me out of here."
"I... I can't!" she says, shrugging. "The tribe chief said I can't get too close to your cage. She said if I open anything again without permission... I'll be grounded from dessert for a whole month!"
I fall silent for two seconds.
Two seconds.
"Andy... you realize you're standing extremely close to the cage right now, right?"
She looks down at her feet, then at the bars, then back at me.
"...ah."
She hops back as if she's just remembered something. "Now I'm far enough away!"
"Yes. A safe distance," I say, stretching my arm between the bars. "Far enough to help me without disobeying anyone."
She frowns.
"But helping me open the cage... isn't that against the rules?"
"Andy."
I say with all the seriousness a prisoner reeking of old cloth can muster.
"You're not going to open the cage."
She blinks.
"No?"
"No. I'll open it myself." I point to myself.
"You're just going to... get something. Something that's already out there. Something that obviously doesn't violate any rules."
She tilts her head.
"What thing?"
"A tool."
"A tool... like a hammer?"
"Maybe. It could be anything that can strike metal."
"Like a rock?"
I took a deep breath.
"That works too."
She thought for a moment longer.
"Like a knife?"
"That's... even better." I tried not to sound too enthusiastic. "But only if it's small. Discreet. A large knife would be problematic."
"So a small knife..." she repeated, as if memorizing a sacred mission.
"Yes. And do you know where you can find one?"
A huge smile spread across her face.
"AT UNCLE SHAY'S PLACE!"
Yeah, maybe.
"That's right, Andy. Exactly. You're not going to open the cage. You're just going to grab a little thing. Then you'll hand it to me without looking. That way, you won't even know what I'm going to do with it. So... you won't be breaking any rules."
She takes a second to process. Then another.
And then...
"That makes PERFECT sense!"
It makes zero sense.
But it's fine.
"So... can you grab it for me?"
She's already running.
"I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!"
And she disappears between the stalls.
I close my eyes.
Monkeys are much better than crows.
I sit there, trying to ignore the smell of the cloth and the sound of two adults arguing about who won a fight they both clearly lost, when I hear small footsteps returning toward me.
Hurried footsteps. Uncertain.
And carrying... something.
The cloth shifts, and a small hand emerges from beneath, pushing it up just enough to reveal two little eyes and a triumphant grin.
"I DID IT!"
My heart skips a beat.
"Andy... what exactly did you do?"
She reaches under the cloth and starts pushing out a pile of things as if she were unloading groceries.
First, a small leather pouch.
Then, something metallic.
Then... more metal.
Then... ammunition?
"Andy!" I whisper urgently. "What have you done?!"
She grins proudly.
"I took Uncle Shay's things!"
I freeze.
"You took... all of Uncle Shay's things?"
"Not all of them," she corrected. "Just the ones on the table. And the chair. And the floor. And in his jacket pocket. But he was asleep! So it doesn't count!"
I stared at the childishly stolen arsenal laid out before me:
A small knife. A small holster. A Glock that is much lighter than the revolver from before. A Fire Dust cartridge with six bullets.
I carefully held the weapon, keeping it low so no one would see.
Ohhh... I like it!
But...
"Andy... you just committed a crime."
She grinned from ear to ear.
"I DID!!"
"That's not a good thing!" I whispered. "It's a bad crime! A really bad one! Adult-level crime!"
She shrugged, her lips forming a thoughtful pout.
"It's... kind of normal. We call it 'borrowing forever.' Mom says it teaches responsibility."
She pauses.
"I still don't really get it, but it seems important."
I run a hand over my face.
"So... did I do it wrong?" she asks, shrugging her shoulders, her voice small, as if bracing for a scolding.
I sigh.
"...You did it perfectly."
At that moment, she lit up like a living lantern.
"UAAAAA!"
I quickly stuffed everything into the pouch and hid it behind me before any adults passed by.
"Andy, listen carefully now. This is the important part."
She leaned forward, as if about to receive a prophecy.
"You didn't see anything. You didn't take anything. You didn't talk to anyone about anything. What were you doing?"
She thinks. She thinks harder. She raises a finger.
"I was playing... collecting rocks!"
"Exactly. Lots of pebbles. Extremely important rocks."
"SACRED ROCKS!" she declares.
"That's right."
She nods solemnly, as if she's received a divine mission.
Then she runs back to the camp, shouting for everyone to hear:
"I'M GOING TO PLAY WITH ROCKS!"
Efficient.