Jack Sparrow was drunk.
The world felt pleasantly tilted, like it might fall over if he leaned on it the wrong way. He trotted toward the docks with a bottle of rum swinging from his fingers, humming a tune that might once have been Binks' Sake but had since become something else entirely.
That was when a body came flying out of a tavern.
It hit the ground, rolled twice, and groaned.
Jack blinked. He leaned closer, squinting. "Ragetti?"
Ragetti looked up, one eye already swelling. "Captain!"
Jack smiled in relief. "Ah good. It is you. For a moment I thought it was someone I didn't know, which would've been awkward."
Ragetti scrambled to his feet, grabbed Jack by the sleeve. "Captain, you need to help! It's Gibbs!"
Jack frowned slowly, the word help taking its time to arrive. "Help… Gibbs?"
"Yes!" Ragetti hissed. "It's turned into a full pirate brawl!"
Jack tilted his head. "What?"
"They tore his shirt off!"
Jack paused.
"…They what?"
Ragetti swallowed. "Captain Morgan says he's going to cut off Gibbs' nipples."
Jack's eyes widened.
"Oh," he said softly, impressed. "That's… specific."
He looked down at his own chest, lifted his shirt slightly, patted himself, and sighed in visible relief. "Still there."
Ragetti stared. "Captain, this is serious!"
Jack nodded gravely. "Yes. Very serious. One should never make threats involving nipples lightly."
He took another gulp of rum, wiped his mouth, and unsheathed his sword.
"Lead the way."
—
Inside the tavern, chaos had reached a celebratory peak.
Tables were overturned. Chairs were broken. Someone was playing music on a stolen violin for no reason at all. Pirates crowded around the center of the room, cheering loudly.
"CUT IT! CUT IT!"
Gibbs was tied to a table.
His shirt had indeed been torn off, revealing a chest that no one should have been examining this closely. He struggled uselessly against the ropes, face red with fury and panic.
"Have mercy!" Gibbs shouted. "We can talk about this like civilized criminals!"
Captain Morgan stood over him, knife in hand, beard wild, eyes gleaming with vindictive delight.
"Mercy?" Morgan sneered. "You humiliated me! In front of my crew!"
"I grabbed your nipple in self-defense!" Gibbs yelled.
"That makes it worse!"
The crowd roared with laughter.
Jack stepped into the doorway.
"Oh my," he said loudly. "I leave you alone for one evening."
No one noticed him yet.
Morgan leaned closer to Gibbs. "I'm going to take what you took from me."
Gibbs screamed. "CAPTAIN!"
Jack winced. "Bit late now."
Morgan raised the knife.
"WAIT!" Gibbs shouted. "Please! I beg you!"
Morgan grinned. "Begging is nice."
Jack cleared his throat.
Gibbs saw him and nearly cried. "CAPTAIN! PLEASE SAVE ME!"
Every head in the tavern turned.
Dozens of eyes locked onto Jack Sparrow.
Jack froze.
He felt the weight of the moment. The expectation. The silence.
He smiled awkwardly.
"…Captain?"
He laughed nervously and waved a hand. "No no no. Common mistake. I get that a lot. I'm not the captain."
He gestured toward Gibbs. "By all means, carry on."
Gibbs' jaw dropped. "WHAT?!"
The crowd murmured in confusion.
Ragetti chose that moment to burst in, pointing dramatically. "CAPTAIN JACK! PLEASE SAVE GIBBS!"
Jack closed his eyes.
Morgan's grin returned. "Ah. So we get two more nipples."
Jack opened one eye. "You see, now this is where I start having concerns."
He stepped forward, sword resting casually on his shoulder. "Captain Morgan, was it?"
Morgan puffed up. "That's right! Twenty million bounty! Fear me!"
Jack nodded thoughtfully. "Quick question."
"What?"
Jack tilted his head. "Why are you so obsessed with men's chests?"
The tavern went quiet.
Morgan blinked. "What?"
Jack gestured broadly. "I mean, ears I get. Fingers, sure. But nipples? That's… personal."
Morgan bristled. "I'll have you know I'm a normal man!"
Jack raised his hands. "Oh, I'm not judging. At all. Love who you love. Nipples who you nipple."
The crowd began to murmur.
Jack turned to them. "We're not judging him, are we?"
Pirates looked at each other.
One shrugged. "I don't judge."
Another nodded. "As long as he doesn't take my nipples."
A third gave Morgan a thumbs up. "Live your true self."
Morgan's face turned red. "THIS IS NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING!"
Gibbs shouted, "NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS!"
Morgan snarled. "Kill him!"
The tavern exploded again.
Pirates rushed Jack.
Jack sighed. "Every damn time."
He moved.
The first attacker swung wildly. Jack sidestepped and knocked him out with the flat of his blade. Another came from behind—Jack ducked, spun, and sent him crashing into a table.
Ragetti scrambled to untie Gibbs, fumbling with the knots. "Hold still!"
"I AM HOLDING STILL!"
Morgan charged.
Jack met him head-on.
Steel flashed. Morgan's knife clattered to the floor. Jack disarmed him in two clean movements, then kicked him backward into his own cheering crew.
The fight collapsed into chaos again—pirates slipping, punching, screaming. Someone tried to throw a chair and missed everyone.
Jack cut the ropes around Gibbs.
Gibbs grabbed a spare shirt from somewhere and yanked it on furiously. "I HATE THIS ISLAND."
Jack clapped him on the shoulder. "You survived. With nipples intact."
Morgan staggered upright, trembling with rage and humiliation. "You… you made me a joke."
Jack smiled sympathetically. "We all have our talents. And maybe yours lie with men's chests."
Morgan opened his mouth to scream—
—and promptly fainted.
He hit the floor, twitched once, and did not move.
Silence followed.
Someone poked him.
"He's dead," a pirate whispered.
Jack winced. "Ah. Bit dramatic."
He sheathed his sword and tipped his hat. "Captain Morgan. Died as he lived. Passionately confused. Let this be a lesson. Be your true self. Love who you love."
Somebody clapped. Someone sniffed.
Jack, Gibbs, and Ragetti left the tavern without being stopped.
Outside, Gibbs tugged his new shirt straight and glared at Jack. "You're buying me a new wardrobe."
Jack grinned. "I saved your nipples."
Gibbs muttered curses as they headed back toward the Black Pearl, the sounds of the port swallowing them whole.
And somewhere behind them, a tavern quietly closed its doors for repairs.